what does he mean by "get involved in paying the bills"? Or by "wants to pay the rents and bills all by himself"? Does he want access to the money in the checking account? Does he want to be the one to decide whether you'll pay the gas bill now or make it wait while you pay the phone bill? Does he want to spare you the frustration and burden of paying the bills? Does he want to be the one with control over how much discretionary money is left, or over how much is going to savings? Or is he uncomfortable w/the idea that he pays nothing for the roof over his head? To me all these things require different reactions. If it's the last one, the answer to that is, "get a job that pays you better." And, the way to address that is to perhaps decide, as a team, that you'll invest his salary in training for him so he can get a job that pays more (don't overlook the trades; in the U.S. plumbers & electricians & reliable contractors can make a lot of money--they don't need college, but they do need training). As long as he's actively working at the training, then he IS contributing, bcs he's planning for further out. Bcs maybe he doesn't have any idea of what other job *would* pay him more--maybe he agrees w/ you that his current qualifications won't get him any better-paying job. In which case, it's time to get him some different qualifications--and training is the way to do that. If it's that he wants control, then you have other issues. If he wants access to the money, you may have some OTHER problem. One last thought: You wrote: do you think he wants me for financial support? This worries me for you. Do you suspect this? Is this suspicion coloring your marriage? If I felt it, it would certainly color mine. My DH is not earning much at ALL. He's had jobs, but they've always paid less than mine, and right now he's only doing freelance work from home.. I've never , never had that suspicion you have. I have a strong belief that we are a team, and that I am more to him than the breadwinner. He has areas he contributes which are not financial; I'm able to be the muscle in the money-earning department. But also, I know that he is married to me because he wants to always be with me in our daily life. Also, we both think of our earnings (which we have always kept separate) as "ours." I use my checking account to pay "our" rent with "our" money--that money is only "mine" in that I'm in charge of using it for our family. He pays other bills with "our" money that's in his account. If you don't feel that, I think you have a problem. Even if the problem is only your fear--it's still a problem. Maybe you need to get someone (like a marriage counselor or coach) to sit down with the two of you and help you communicate on this issue.

Scarlett, it sounds like your intuition tells you that this "counselor" isn't going to work for you. In order to be licensed as a marriage and family therapist in California (the ones with MFCC after their names), one must have extensive clinical experience, pass a standardized licensing exam, and have numerous hours of supervision. That said, though, counselors can come in a variety of specializations and schools of thought. In my line of work I frequently make referrals to therapists and psychologists, and I always suggest that people a) take the time to visit more than one counselor if they don't feel like the first one is a fit - everyone's different, and finding a good match (for both spouses) is key to success in therapy; and b) try to get personal referrals from friends - those can often be good leads. Also, reputable clinicians consider it unethical for a therapist to tell a client what he/she/they should do or what their problem is after one meeting. A quality therapist should facilitate the process of people discovering things for themselves. I hope you don't feel too discouraged after this first interchange, and I think it's great you took that step. I encourage you to keep at it until you find the one that's right for you both.

OK, I see your point about it not being fair to dump everything on my MIL. It would probably be painful for her to listen to us discuss our problems, and maybe we would tend to overshare. I wouldn't want her to feel that she has chosen sides or been unsupportive of one of us. And we would not have been discussing sex! that would definitely be awkward! But no problems there. And I wouldn't have considered it if there were any ugly secrets to be revealed (I always thought it was a mistake for dh's cousin to talk about her husband's affair. He seemed sincerely contrite, and wanted to try to work things out, but I think that everyone knowing the details made it harder for her to think of taking him back. Anyway, I digress..) We have very different parenting styles - he is the authoritative type, and I am firm, but non-confrontational. One of our children is very stubborn, emotional and passive-resistive, and it's dealing with this child that brings out dh and my differences. I love the Love and Logic parenting books by Foster Cline, but that style is the polar opposite of what dh does. Although I asked dh to read these books, which I found very helpful, he just doesn't ever get around to it. I tried to explain/summarize, but even to my ears the message didn't come across as very convincing. I copied a few pages last week, and asked him to just read that much (hoping to pique his interest) but he hasn't got around to that either. I'm not sure how to convince dh to change, but I feel like my love and respect for him slipping away every time I hear him shouting at our son. And finances - we are not in dire straits, but of course with four kids there is never enough money to buy all that we want. He has a hard time denying himself things he wants to buy, so he's working like crazy (sometimes 100+ hours per week) to make enough to keep us afloat. While I am grateful that he is not a deadbeat, I think we'd be stronger as a family with less money and more time together. And he probably does feel that he will be blamed for everything. I am so unhappy and frustrated lately, and I can't imagine that he is not unhappy, too. He says that he has no complaints about me (I must be perfect, right??) but I wonder how that can be true. When we talk, he appears to listen, but nothing ever changes, so I feel like he doesn't really value my thoughts and feelings. I think our issues have been around for awhile, but it's just recently that our finances have been tight enough, and our children challenging enough, that I'm really bothered. I was listening to a radio show on the way to work last week, and the host said that sometime it is pointless to try to change your spouse, who probably has had the same habits for years. In that case, he said, it is better to change the way you feel. I just can't imagine feeling good about our relationship the way it is now.

I know how you feel except I married a man with three kids two 8 years old and one 11 year old daughter from the moment we were married she was needy and all attention from her daddy was hers so much that her brothers were afraid to hold hands with their dad because she controlled him, had a emotional hold. My husband was married to me not his daughter. At the time I didn’t understand it was hard for her share her dad but she came between us and sometimes I wonder if that’s what happened with his first wife expect I don’t allow it to ruin our relationship. I thought she was telling the truth for along time. We started a relationship with my step daughter that I thought was honest but manipulated me in believing in her and she would lie about why she was late after school, she was going to her friends house then homework club and hanging out with a boy that I think started this mess or temptations sexual acts in order to be with boy and kiss boys all I know is because I told her couldn’t date until she 16 she disobeyed and did anyways. She was the one who didn’t want anything to do with her mentally, manipulative mother now she’s apparently been communicating with her for two and half years and has told people I abuse her and control her and cage her up. She tells people these things to get attention her mother played on me and her dad that she better and moving out into apartment and she lied she was still in metal home so her daughter has learned and since then taught her brothers steal and lie and now talk back, her brother have intellectual disabilities on top of that which puts more strain on me as step parent but what changed was when I had baby of my own my husband became a husband in since and he started a better commitment then just bending to his daughters will our baby in Since saved our marriage and my husband also had addictions that She got him started on and it changed once Elizabeth was born he became the man I married if he will. Savannah came between us and we got along but it was difficult road. Our love became stronger and My step daughter sought for attention else where by a guy she became involved with in sex texting and they since he has broken up with her twice and is trying again because I finally gave consent for her to date because she sneaking behind our backs and lying and I knew it was matter of time that she would be pregnant because she was desperate to be with him. He’s not a guy I like but I don’t like secrets and my step daughter also tells our bishop I fight with her and I do not. I used to slap her but I stopped doing that when she called the police over in hope her dad would divorce me and she would have his attention again yes I know one believes me because she’s that good at manipulating people in believing she does nothing but I since learned manipulaters know how to push your buttons to send you over edge. I was already being gaslighted by my step son and I don’t know why but I found since then I tested him and found he has a intellectual mild and a behavioral disorder and I have changed emotionally since he started messing with my mind it’s called gaslighting and now since then I had emotional breakdown and teens used that push my buttons. It’s exhausting, it got worse when I was pregnant because I was more emotional and I didn’t realize I was being gaslighted but my pregnancy changed me I was irritable and emotional and I was tired more from being sick and jaylan stealing and throwing tantrums and kicking me but know one believes me because I’m the parent it’s my fault they act this way. When I came into my marriage I was not only a step parent but I was raising kids who were emotionally abused by their mother and foster care influences and also had disabilities I knew not about our boys except one had epilepsy and the other a learning disability. It was a complete mess and I felt I was teaching them at age 3 and Savannah 5 because they never had rules, responsibility ever and making rules was horrifying to them. Jaylan was angel until third year in spring wood he went off some medication for epilepsy that I didn’t know would arise so many unexpected problems he ether had or developed because of this medication he was on for so long. Jaxson always had emotional problems from the start, things happened in foster care and also his childhood that I could tell made him crazy at times. He use to have tantrums everyday and I worried the d.s.f would take them away after their father fought so hard to keep them my step daughter I thought liked me did not because I made rules in the house. She never had rules even her dad cleaned the house when he was home and took care of the dogs and birds which now he hates animals because ex wanted them. His ex was so depressed and ocd and mentally ill he took care of his has much as he could but in since he was like a single father with three kids and his wife he had taken care of. So when I came into the picture and started changing things my step daughter didn’t want us together anymore and in her mind she believed her daddy can do better or that she liked that her daddy only raise them. If Jesse and I didn’t get married he would’ve lost full custody of his kids and it would’ve destroyed him. Jesse was abused emotionally by his ex and there was definitely manipulation going on ether his ex or his daughter. His boys started learning to lie and steal from their sister and it’s been difficult to break so now everyone my step daughter talks to believes I abuse her and control her and don’t give her privacy but she gets plenty of it and so my husband knows I don’t hurt them. He knows they manipulate me and him but we are their parents and I don’t care if they hate me someone needs to love them and teach them and hopefully later they will see. When I think she’s telling the truth I don’t believe her because she’s kept secrets I found out that make me love her but not trust her. p