I'd look under the Women's Abuse Center for a number. Or if all else fails, call the Hot Line for Abused Women, and they can tell you who to call.
Continued prayers for your GD and GK's.
Leslie

I agree with Leslie. This is the national toll free number. When it was originally published it would connect you with the closest shelter to the number where you are calling from- not sure if it still does that but they can connect you with a close group.

800-799-SAFE
800-799-7233

Be prepared for her to have second, and third, etc thoughts about leaving- it is normal. Speak with your local phone company about automatically blocking the usual phone numbers he might use. It used to cost a few dollars a month but may save all of you sanity of having him call all hours of the night and day. If he is the father of the children, you may not be able to do this (court stuff asnd all) unless he has a cell number to use- then you could just leave that ringer off.

Not sure how old the kids are but get them enrolled in school ASAP and make sure the school knows the circumstances of them arriving in the middle of the school year. Some schools will have divorce/family stres support groups for the kids. Or they may be able to meet with the school counsoler/social worker on a regular basis. Will also help the teachers understand if there some adjustment issues.

Does he know where she is moving? If not, work with a shelter in her old town to get the school records without the school knowing where she moves. It is best if she could have hand-picked them up before leaving but that isn't an option now. When she enrolls the kids- don't let the school deny the kids enrollment just because they do not have their school records or their immunization records (incase she forgot to get them). There are laws that prevent the schools for discriminating against children who are homeless and relocating for domestic violence reason (a local shelter can help you).

Keep in mind that it will be a very stressful period for everyone involved. Issues may come up in unexpected ways- tantrums for "odd" things (from adults or kids). Everyone will be in for a big change. Keep talking and keep the hugs and tissues handy. Try to find books to read with the kids that will help them understand and talk about what tthey are feeling and what they went through.

think about having clay, playdough, and other toys around that the kids can kneed and squeeze. And gross motor skills toys to help them physicall work out any stress that they can not verbalize.

Let me know if you have any questions. I worked in a DV shelter in the mid 90's and I am sure there are more resources out there than when I have mentioned here, Janie

Kathi, I know you are just thrilled, and I'm thrilled for you, her, and the children. Wondering if he resisted or put up a fuss over her leaving. Did he know, or is he soon to find out she's gone?

I don't know nuttin from nuttin, but please let me offer some suggestions I might have picked up from listening to others. One thing to keep in mind is the transition this is going to be, not only for her, but for you. You have your way of doing things and used to having your home to yourself. Now, you will have her and the kids. Almost like intruders, as it will cause major interruption to your daily routine and the way you run your household. Please try to deal with that with as little frustration as possible. Of course you want to lay down some rules and not allow them to run over you. I'm just saying try not to complain too much. What I'm thinking is, the more you complain and become exasperated, the more uncomfortable and unwelcomed she will feel. She'll easily end up feeling she was better off and had more freedom where she was, and it can make her think of going back. You also are not to be uncomfortable in your own home, so try to keep conflicts to a minimum.

Try to be compassionate and understanding and always without judgment. Don't ask questions like, "How could you put up with him?" or "Why did you stay?" and stuff like that. She will take it as you judging her also.

Don't bad mouth him to her and the kids. Instead, work to build her self esteem back up. That's more important. Tell her she's pretty and comment on things you observe, like how well she takes care of her children, how nicely she washed the dishes, how smart she is by the things she says. If she wants to berate him, allow her and listen intently, but don't contribute to bashing him. He's out of her life now, so make him as incidental and unimportant as you can.

I know you'll be as supportive as you possibly can, but think about yourself, too. Don't let them wear you out or bleed you dry. And, don't let the kids tear your house down. Sometimes, young mothers have to learn how to raise their children.

My very best to all of you and much success to your granddaughter.

Here is the link to the hotline. A pop-up will appear before sending you to their site. The pop-up just reminds visitors that their computer use can be monitored (possibly by their abuser).

Here is a link that might be useful: National Domestic Violence Hotline

Ok ladies,let me see if i can answer some questions.

Yes the kids are his.but he shows less and less interest in them with each passing day.More interested in his friends and pot!!

The kids are soon to be 3 on March 21 and 4 mos this month,so no school problems yet.

They both lived here for a few months before she had the baby,so she knows our rules,and we don't have many.The beds must be made,and do up any dishes you use and kitchen kept presentable.

When they were here b4,he had the same not working and providing for his family problems that he has now.

Of course we're from the old school,if you're old enough and able,then you work and take care of your family.He has anger mgmt problems as well,can we say he's like a jeckyl and hyde!!He just wanted to lay on the bed all day and play video games,sorry,not in my house.He tries to act big and bad,but we called his bluff on that as well.

They had signed a contract with us that he was to get and keep a job,no laying around playing videos all day,no drugs and/or drinking in our house.We also told him there would be a warning if the rules weren't followed,and the 2nd time they were broken,he/they were gonna be out of here.
He broke the rules twice,lost the job and didn't look for another,so i talked to him about it,he got mouthy,big time,so i told him to go pack his crap and be out by sunset.Then DH and i went and bought new door locks while he packed and he left.Slept in the car the first night,then called his MOM and she sent him money for a hotel and then GD went with them.His mom financed their trip up to N.Calif,cheaper up there,than here,and he hasn't worked but a couple of days since.So now his mom is done also.

Thankfully GD and us have always had a very good relationship,and still do.She knows that she is doing the right thing,and she has told me as much,it just hurts her,as she thought he would be changed because of the kids.But he's shown her his true colors by not getting the baby's formula this last week,and told her he really didn't care about the kids.That i think was the final clincher for her,as she was holding on for their sake.

Yes he knew she was leaving,and was there when my DIL and she packed the truck.He made no scene,he did enough of that earlier in the week,one of his friends was there as well.

I've already told everyone to keep their comments about him to themselves.If she wants to talk about it,listen,and don't judge.Just be there for her and the kids,to lift them up.

I've told her to journal to get her feelings out so that she can make some sense of them,and better understand what it is she wants,and wants to do.She said she was.I hsd her doing that while she was in school and it helped.

She is and always has been a very good mom,and loves them more than life itself.

She does listen and asks me about how to do certain things.potty training,bedtime etc,and respects what i tell her.

She just made a mistake getting caught up with him,and i've noticed that a lot today,how these young gals get caught up in situations with these low life type of guys.WHY????

I'll put these phone #'s in the back of my book.

Thank you all again for your help and support and especially Janie and bestlawn,and Leslie for the references.

I'm sure we'll have both good and bad days,but am believing the good will outweigh the bad!!

Kathi

Great start. She needs something LEGAL regarding visitation and guardianship ASAP. Probably before she finds work or starts school. If he decides to be an SOB, he can really cause problems by trying to take the kids from your house or childcare while she isn't there. He may say he isn't interested in the kids but he may use them to "punish her for leaving". If he shows up at childcare with a birth certificate and the police, the center may have a hard time preventing him from taking the kids if she doesn't provide them with a legal document prohibiting his access to the kids. Not sure if she has to show a birth certificate when enrolling them, if not- maybe she can leave "father" blank on all the enrollment forms.

When she enrolls in school, she can require that her information be kept confidential. Then the school has to take extra precausions when releasing infromation. Many of the students at GSU have their records marked as confidential. It can be a hassle for her to get her own info but it will reduce the likelihood of him or someone else getting it. Same thing with the kids in childcare, if possible.

Not to scare you but please keep in mind that the most dangerous time for a women is when she LEAVES the abuser. It may seem like he is going to fade into the woodwork but don't count on it. It may take a few months or even longer before he realizes she is gone, and he gets really mad. Also, despite the support for your GD from his mother, she needs to be VERY careful on what she tells his family and what type of contact she/the kids have with them outside legally documented guidelines. He is still her son and she may decide to side with him. Start looking for a family law attorny in your area ASAP. Some states give grandparents legal visitation rights, others don't. I would recommend NOT leaving the kids with anyone outside your immediate family until you have some legal protection.

janie