I too have siblings with dependency issues and unfortunately am also unable to trust that sobriety is forever. However, I have in the last few years tried to trust that maybe today will be ok. That helps not to destroy the present with the fear of a possible relapse. I hope your holiday together becomes a special memory untainted by the sadness addiction does often bring. Try to relax and trust that maybe this holiday, if not forever, will be filled with love, laughter and sobriety.

My brother came to my house for Thanksgiving. He's been sober for a few months now.

I've spent so much time agonizing and angry with him and dealing with his drunken path of destruction that having him at my house, completely sober and laughing and having good conversation --- there are no words.

My DH has been sober for three and a half years. I agree with roarah and kelly...live in and treasure the moment. Laugh. Be flexible if he needs to attend a meeting-those have kept my DH sober. He still attends meetings every day. Don't ask questions. If he wants to share, he will. Don't have any alcohol in the house or drink in front of him, but don't make a big deal of it. It hasn't been that long for him. Just be his sister. I hope it is a marvelous nine days, full of joy and laughter.

I hope your visit goes well. I know this is after the fact but, why nine days? This is a long visit for even relatives without sobriety concerns.

Kelly, I'm glad that you had a good visit with your brother.

Cyn, congrats to you and your Dh for three and a half years and counting!

How nice for your brother to have you to come visit for the holiday! He is really lucky. I hope that you can really enjoy being together.

I share your skepticism about the ability of alcoholics to recover. I have two relatives with drinking issues. I have come to believe it is not their fault; I mean it's not as though it takes any effort on my part to drink lightly. It just doesn't matter to me the way it does to an alcoholic. That is not to my credit, nor is it to their shame, IMHO.

There was a recent article about drug and alcohol addiction in the NYT and the gist of it was that many now believe that the treatment should aim not for perfection, but for lapses that are fewer, shorter, and less destructive over time. I'm not sure if that's true but maybe it is realistic for some.

Anyway, I would make sure there is no alcohol of any kind available to him, just to make it easier. I would also not put him in a situation conducive to drinking (dinners out, parties). Some people may think that is overdoing it, but I say why not make it as easy as possible for him.

Maybe you can get advice from an Al-anon group or site?

PS Congrats to you and DH, Cyn.

I've been sober for 17 yrs. Sobriety isn't forever. All that matters is today.

And 17 years worth of todays have added up.

"Anyway, I would make sure there is no alcohol of any kind available to him, just to make it easier. I would also not put him in a situation conducive to drinking (dinners out, parties). Some people may think that is overdoing it, but I say why not make it as easy as possible for him."

That's not overdoing it. That's flat out insulting and demeaning.

Unless your brother has regressed to being 2 yrs old, show him the respect that you would show any adult. And I hope you have a great visit!

Obviously, it makes a lot more sense to listen to JMC then to me, even if JMC is a tad ... vitriolic.

And I have not had the occasion to have had an avowed recovering alcoholic in my home, so I have simply served whatever I would normally serve.

But, since JMC's advice seemed counterintuitive, I will post this, which was one of the first hits I got just now when I googled the subject of recovering alcoholic visitors. See item 2.

Maybe it's a passage of time thing ... or maybe you should just ask your brother what he'd find most helpful?

Here is a link that might be useful: FWIW, see item 2

I hope you have a wonderful time. Please keep in mind that nothing you do in anyway, can change him or influence his behavior. He is responsible for his own actions.
While I wouldn't drink in front of him, I certainly wouldn't avoid going out out to dinner. Al-anon literature can be very helpful.

Thought the article was refreshingly honest. I think your days with him depends upon his personality. Just treat him as your brother. Whether conversations are brought up by him regarding the travel through addiction, is up to him. I think we all have had someone with one and there seems to be a personal fear involved. They are our friends, relatives, associates. Respect the moment. If something gets out of hand regarding the addiction, you have the right to confront them. But be sure it is significant and not something one "thinks" is supposed to be. No one knows what emotions they have or are going through unless you have too.

I would celebrate his coming home to you. Perhaps it is his celebration of a new life and wanting/ready to share.

Nine days with anyone as a houseguest is about 6 days too long....

Good luck!

ML

Thanks for the words of wisdom. After reading everyone's thoughts I'm thinking it will probably turn out to be a good thing. Having a house guest that long unnerves me as much or more than the visit by the prodigal brother.

I don't drink so I won't be imbibing around him but there's no way DH is emptying the house of alcohol and refraining from having cocktails in his home over the holidays. I've talked to my brother about the presence of alcohol and other drinkers in his own home and it isn't prohibited there so I'm not too concerned about it at my house. He doesn't seem to think that will make or break his abstinence.

Having dealt with alcoholics my whole life, I'm just not going to turn my world upside down for this visit. And I'm beyond spending any time on al-anon and the like. Right or wrong, I'm just not into spending any more of my life focused on alcoholics. If he really wants to quit he will. If he doesn't he won't. It's up to him. I will just plan to have some quality bro/sis time while we still can. I really don't think he'd plan to spend the time with me if he didn't expect to be able to do that. He would be avoiding me altogether.

I agree with Maddie -- nine days is too long and would drive anyone to drink. I hope you both stay sober for the duration.

My friend's daughter was addicted to heroin and alcohol. Today she is clean as a whistle and has been that way for years. She is a very successful businesswoman, happily married with a child. Going to meetings is what has made the difference for her. It can be done and we have to have faith in those who are trying.

Good luck.

So far so good - we're having a nice time.

I'm glad to hear it!

Gibby, hope your visit continues to be a good one.

Just one more note-17 years of sobriety is very different than 6 months of sobriety. Even though it is always just one day at a time, it takes one month of sobriety for every year of drinking for the brain to get back to "normal." I agree that you should take your cues from your brother, but I also would do everything possible to create a supportive environment that does not rely on alcohol to create a festive mood. We serve sparkling fruit juices in our wine glasses now!
On a personal note, I did not find Al-Anon helpful, although many do it seems.

Glad all is going well and I hope you have an absolutely marvelous nine days!

Oh, and thank you ellendi and mtn for your kind thoughts. No credit to me other than finally saying I was done if he didn't go to rehab. Credits go do DH and Father Martin's Ashley.

All continues to go well. My brother is a pretty low maintenance house guest though I'm always thinking about meals and him being bored. We have had some very good talks about what his adult life has been like - stuff I never would have imagined. He's very open about his experience with drugs, alcohol, treatment, thoughts on staying sober, etc. He seems committed to it but knows it will be hard.

Probably one of the good things that's come up so far is that I helped him understand that the muscle wasting he's experienced is chronic alcoholic myopathy and not due to some neuro pathology in his neck which some quack doctor told him. He thought it was a hopeless situation but it seems improvement is possible if one abstains from alcohol and gets out of the state of malnutrition.

Anyway all good so far. I appreciate all your thoughts on the situation. Cyn, since I don't drink I'm pretty good at festivity not revolving around alcohol.

Thanks for checking in. So, six more days?
Sending positive thoughts!

Actually only five as he came a day later than originally planned.