My husband, 2-year old daughter, and I, were sitting behind this guy at a religious meeting, so after the final prayer, I introduced myself and welcomed him. He was with some friends of ours and it turned out that he had just met them the week before. He had been traveling with his wife and small daughter to move to another state, when a drunk driver hit them head on in the desert fog. His truck was totalled. The baby was in a car seat and was fine. His wife suffered many serious injuries and was taken to our local hospital. That's how he came to meet my friend, who had been called when people of our same religion had requested help at the hospital. Well, anyway....he was thin and stressed and trying to figure out what to do. There was no instant connection--no attraction. I invited him to dinner with us, but he declined. As it worked out eventually, the wife was air-lifted to a hospital in the city where her parents lived, where my (DH) was moving. Because of the wreck, the ensuing lawsuit against the drunken woman who had just chalked up her 4th accident while DUI, and both vehicles totalled, DH lost the job transfer to the new state. A few months later, he was back at my meeting. He had to return to fight the legal battle in person, so got a job in my town. His wife, on finding out that she was getting a nice sum as a settlement for her injuries, decided to stay with her parents, keep their daughter, and divorce him. Within another year or so, I found myself divorced about the same time his divorce was finalizing. I moved into a room for rent as a temporary measure while saving to move to California. He was renting another room in the same house. Somehow...some way.....without ANY prior notice of each other in the preceding 2 years, we became friends. A few months later.....we both moved out of the house...and into our own place as husband and wife! One of the things we both thought was funny as we began dating, was finding out that he thought I was nice to show a concern for him but he never gave me another thought. I felt bad for his situation, but he seemed to have no real personality. Until we started to really talk while living with the family that owned the house, neither had much opinion of the other. Red

Don't give him cold shoulder. Lay it all out. Specifically. I don't like it when you _____________ because I feel _____________ when that happens. Then tell him what you will do. Example. My 7 year old (yep, because that's how old your dh is acting!!) keeps not appreciating what I do for her. Not only that, but acting like a little brat prior to us doing fun stuff. I finally told her today that I am tired of feeling like this. I told her I cannot control what she does, but I can control how I react to it. So the next time she doesn't listen to me about eating in the living room or whatever, I'm not going to get all upset. We're just not going to do the fun stuff we had planned. Then I won't feel that she's taking advantage and martyr myself. End game. I think she got it. So, what will you do when DH does something like that? DH: I think your tattoos are hideous. You: I apologize for my husband. That was innappropriate to say to you, a guest in our home. Would you like to come with me to the patio for some tea? DH: Rush Limbaugh is an idiot, I don't see how any smart person could listen to him. You must be an idiot. You: It's obvious we have different opinions on this subject. Aren't politics a heated subject!! By the way, Aunt Jen, this is a lovely coffee cake. How did you make it so fluffy and light? By doing that, it takes the attention from him, lets him and everyone know that you won't stand for it, and lets him off without the humility of being kicked or told off. Just smile, and cut him off at the chase. Diffuse while in the heat of it, then when you get him alone have specific things to tell him, without anger or blame.

iamamommy, are you perhaps my other personality posting without my knowledge? Honestly, I have almost ALL of the same issues but in my case there are much less important than other issues that I face...And here is how I deal with them. Fake tattoos... All of my kids think these are cool. They come home with these all the time. But I have 4 boys and only one girl. Not a big deal when a boy comes home with something on his wrist, for example. SD gets fake tattoos also...on her belly. I didn't think it was cute or nice but in this case I just decided to let it go. Far more important things to deal with... Piercings: A lot of SD14's friends were getting their belly buttons pierced. I know because whenever we went to an event or practice their friends were pulling up their shirts to show everyone their belly rings or were wearing cropped off shirts so they would be seen automatically. Our stance is that SD is NOT to be wearing clothing that shows her belly and we don't think she should be pulling her shirt up either. BM had her belly button pierced twice and once wore cut off shorts and a tube top with a belly button ring that had a chain attached to it to pick up the kids...I'll add this was in January (it was snowing outside AND BM was coughing and hacking all over the place.) The chain ran down her belly through her shorts and hung out below her shorts. Freaking sleezy. DH says NO belly ring. I do too. A 14 year old girl shouldn't be showing off her body. Hair: This was annoying for awhile but there was a simple fix. SD had wanted streaks in her hair since before I knew her at 8 years old. For her 12th birthday we let her get 6 very small blond streaks in her hair. At the time she got them, BM hadn't seen the kids in 2 1/2 years. She saw her for the first time about a month later. BM hated her hair and complained about it for months. Then when SD was 13 the BIG thing happened. We have a rule in our house. If you want to make a BIG change appearance wise you have to wait 6 months...if you still want it 6 months later we'll do it. SD wanted to be a blond...totally. She talked to BM about it first who didn't like the idea but said if that's what SD wanted she would say okay. So we did it and she looked great. It wasn't cheap either...SD goes to visit BM the next weekend and I go down to pick her up on Sunday...Out of BM's van walks a brunette. BM had dyed SD's hair back to it's original color. Of course I wasn't very happy about that but then again neither was SD. A few weeks later I took the kids for hair cuts. SS11 wanted a spiky cut and SD wanted something simple. I feel that a child doesn't have a whole lot of options to express themselves so their choice of hair was fine with me...Haircuts aren't cheap though so imagine how upset I was when they came back from Mom's after the next visit with a different cut. BM actually took the shears to them herself. This is when DH and I made a decision...If BM is going to redo everything we try to do, she can pay for haircuts...end of story. Especially with SD. At times I have taken a kid or two to get their hair cut and SD has said "I want to get mine cut too." I tell her that we made the decision to let BM handle her hair. End of story. No fussing about it. I have to admit to being very lenient on hair choices. SS9 wanted a mohawk at 7. He got one. DS15's hair is longer than mine. DS15's original color hair color is red...He has been dying his hair black for 2 years now and swears that it changed his whole "social life." I miss his red hair but it's his head...he has to walk around with it all day..and as long as his pants are hanging down below his butt I'll go with the whole hair thing. In my situation I found it was much easier to pick my battles...and to let go of things that were beyond my control (like BM redoing every hair style...Just let her take on the expense and the requests for dye jobs and mohawks. Saves me a lot of stress!)

It sounds to me like someone checked off the names they wanted in Outlook or a similar contact manager and paid no attention at all to how the names were said or if there would be a question as to whether it meant plus spouses, plus children, etc. Not so much lacking in etiquette as utterly clueless about how to make a guest list in the first place. Anne, good for you for sticking with the notion that these are good friends even when feelings were being hurt. There are a heck of a lot of clueless people in the world and it would be a lonely place if we dumped all of them just for one thoughtless gaff. As to gifts, thinking along the lines of Littlebug's joke, how about a home organizer kit? If they're combining two households, plus wedding gifts, they probably have a lot of stuff, some of it valuable. A home organizer kit, with one of those engraving pens for marking electronics, ledgers (spreadsheets) for insureables, pouches for receipts, a binder for insurance policies, bank documents, trust papers, etc., a file box for instruction manuals, plus things like note paper to write the stories of heirlooms on, colorful stickers, maybe even a garage sale kit, could also help them learn to be organized. :) Or you can get them something as random as the invitation. Go to a china shop or department store with a good return policy for bridal and get the most interesting looking random thing in your price range. Maybe a glass and silver pickle jar or a strange art glass vase.