If he knows all about your medical problems and he's a nice guy, I say invite him to your town and tell him to stay at a hotel. That way you can take it slow and get reacquainted. You might like it!

I second the above comment.

I hope you at least reconnect with a supportive friend. Goodness knows, we all need those people in our lives.

I say RUN AWAY. This reeks of rebound to me. Seriously, I always say there is a reason an Ex is an Ex. If he was the leaver, then why put your heart on the line again? If you were the leaver, there is usually a good reason why.

Sorry if I sound like a bubble burster, but I just don't believe in reruns when it comes to ex's. Was Mr. Ex there in the past before your medical problems? If so, and he was supportive then, then maybe it's ok to continue the friendship, but if not...think long and hard about what he was like before he married someone else. Was he compassionalte or self centered? Also ask why he married someone else...and what was the reason their marriage dind't work out?

I really think that retreads are not so good. We look back at the past with rose colored glasses. Especially when we're alone and a bit vulnerable. But good luck to you Eileen...I hope only for the best for you.

pesky, I am also thinking what you are saying. I dated him off and on for 12 years before 1st marriage, during divorce, and before 2nd marriage. The 2nd wife was someone who was cheating on her husband with this ex of mine. He says he did not marry me because I could no longer conceive children but this 2nd wife did not really do that either. They spent thousands on donor eggs and implantations before a baby daughter was made. I could have done that. But God had other plans for me. He is still going through divorce #2 and I don't think I would want to live in LA anyway. Plus we did have issues between us as he has lots of other issues. You know, thanks. I have enough to deal with on my own. I used to take care of a lot of his problems. I need to just concentrate on me, on God, on my pets, and jobs.

Thanks.

Amen Eileen, you have a clear head about this situation.

You know, thanks. I have enough to deal with on my own. I used to take care of a lot of his problems. I need to just concentrate on me, on God, on my pets, and jobs.

You do have a lot to deal with and that last sentence says it all. Love yourself, treat yourself well, and a friend/companion/significant other will come along that is meant for you. Probably when you lease expect it and aren't even looking. He will see how much you value yourself and match or surpass it, by giving you the love and respect you deserve. Might sound corny, but I do believe that. (It's putting it into practice, and loving ourselves first, that's sometimes the tricky part. ;) I hope that makes sense, I've been shoveling snow all afternoon and am bone tired, lol.

He is still going through divorce #2 ...

In other words, he's looking to his past to provide comfort in his unstable present. Gee, thanks.

If you weren't already too busy with your own life, I'd suggest that you get that way fast.

I agree that he's probably not someone to spend a lot of time or thought on right now.

And because you asked about happily-ever-afters-- I have a friend who's now married to a girl he dated in high school. They each dated other people in college and each got married and then divorced. After their respective divorces, they'd each moved back to their hometown, happened to meet up, and have now been married for several years. They seem pretty happy to me, and I have good hopes for their ever-after.

So even if this particular guy isn't the one for you to be happy-ever-after with, it can happen.

Eileen; my 2 cents is that right now for long term; no. You have a lot on your plate with your cancer. I'm sure that most of us don't have a clue as to what your life is like. I've read blogs with your type of cancer & am sure that even though you've shared; there's stuff in your every day life that no one knows. I honestly do not know how you do it on your own. It's been rough with hubby & I with not much help from anyone else. Then there are the emotions; for both of us.

This guy had issues with you not being able to have babies; I can imagine how insensitive he'd be if he was in your life every day. Could he handle it? You should have a good idea of how he'd be.

It's one thing to invite him to your state and have him stay in a hotel for say a weekend to get a feel for how he'd be; but my guess is that if he was around you enough; he may not be able to handle it. Would you be comfortable allowing him into your world right now? You would not believe one person that comes to my house that I almost kicked out the other day due to what they think is a "joke" about why my hubby has a "sore" throat. This person has said the same thing the last 7 times they've been here. Some people say the stupidest, most insensitive things.

I'm sure you need companionship; and if this guy could give you some with no strings; I'd say ok for small amounts of time but until you are more sure of how your life will be; are you ready to let someone in for long periods to break your heart later on?

You know, I have my dog and cats for companionship. I also think he wants me to take back a cat he thinks he is allergic to. He has had the cat for 8 1/2 years (I have 2 of her kittens). Somehow he is not allergic to the long haired Persians.
I have heard some of the criticisms he has made of this present wife and I know he would be doing the same to me. Plus he is not doing well financially. I can be poor by myself, no offense to anyone.
Thanks again for helping me out all!!!!

Trust your instincts-and note that he is still a married man when he is "going through" a divorce which seems to signal that he is pretty much a cheater and has been all along!

Take care of yourself. Truth be told, I think dogs and cats can often be far superior companions to many humans! I am sending every good thought your way.

Follow that little voice!

I agree with others who have said to follow that inner voice and do what you inherently feel is right.

I don't agree that someone who is going through the legal process of divorce and chooses to see others should be labeled as a "cheater" (nor can it be ascertained from this fact that he always was a "cheater"). There are so many varying shades of gray when one is going through the legal process - and sometimes it takes a long time before things are finalized (I know someone who is still trying to get the process wrapped up almost a year after filing).

"I don't agree that someone who is going through the legal process of divorce and chooses to see others should be labeled as a "cheater"..."

Dr. Joy Brown gives some very good advice which, IMHO, should be followed because it just makes sense. She recommends that anyone who is going through a separation and/or divorce not date until they have been divorced for at least one year. This much needed time allows the person to have a very good sense of who they are, where they are, where they are going and the common sense to be at a point in their lives to make a sound decision.

I don't think that anyone who is still legally married should be "dating" (how on earth can you "date" someone when you're married? WTH?). To me, it just isn't smart or healthy. Waaay too much baggage to make a good decision. And that's strictly my opinion and one that I have followed.

I second that mrsmarv! One happily ever after I do know of had to do with one of my parents' friends when I was in high school in the 60s. She was divorced or widowed (can't remember which now) and was approached by another of their friends who was "going through the legal process of divorce." He asked her out and she told him to come back when he had the papers in hand. He showed up at her door more than a year later---with papers in hand. Long story short, they were married for the rest of their lives and quite happily.

To each their own. I don't know who Dr. Joy Brown is, but I think that it's entirely a personal decision, and only the person going through the process can truly know what is "right" for him or her. I was objecting to calling someone who chooses to see others while still legally married a "cheater." I just don't think that's right, nor a judgment call that someone on the outside looking in is qualified to make.

Just wanted to expand and add that I personally strongly feel that a marriage is something sanctioned by the heart and doesn't necessarily have to be sanctioned by the state. That's why I believe as I do about it being a very personal thing as to when one starts seeing other people in the process of going through a divorce. As to the guidelines stated above that a person shouldn't date for a full year following the entry of a divorce decree, I don't think that's something that could - or should - be applied "across the board." If that works for you, fine. It doesn't mean that others are stupid or unhealthy if they follow a different path.

But if it's meant to be then there's no need to rush it either and time can often (usually) reveal things that both should know.

But maybe it's meant to be sooner rather than later.
;-D

Seriously, we could go back and forth all day with this - but the point I'm trying to make most is that what's right occurs on an individual basis. There's no "one size fits all" mandate. Everyone must do that which they feel in their hearts is right for them. We can't say with certainty what is right for someone else. Live and let live is the best motto, IMHO.

OK. I think I'm done trying to express myself now. (Aren't you glad? ;-))

"But maybe it's meant to be sooner rather than later."

I've usually found that when one feels that way ("one" being applied to generalize, not specifically single one out) it's because they've been in that particular circumstance and have chosen the "sooner" path rather than the "later" path. Justification and all. Just saying.

Mrsmarv, can you explain why it should matter? I understand that what worked for you worked for you, but it seems you don't respect others who don't follow your guidelines (or heed the advice of your radio-talk-show doctor).

I think you are well aware that I chose a "sooner rather than later" path myself, and while I certainly don't feel the need to "justify" my actions to you or anyone else, I remain baffled as to why you or anyone else should give a flying fig about the very personal choices of others. What was right for you was right for you. What's wrong with extending that allowance to others?

no fighting please.

Generally, it is good advice not to date someone going through a divorce. I do agree with that. You do not want to be in the middle of all the possible fighting, etc. that may be going on.
Marriage is a legal contract but also, in my case, I would want a Catholic Church marriage which is more challenging to accomplish with someone who has been married twice before.
I am just glad he lives in a different state.

Okay, since you asked ;o) It doesn't matter to me personally what anyone does, but what does matter is the sanctity of marriage and the responsibility that those who enter into it should have. One word. Respect. If you can't have respect for marriage then don't get married. Okay, so someone has respect for marriage and gets married and then finds out that their mate is not who they thought he or she was. Now it's time to make a very important decision and that is whether to stay or go. If they choose to go, in order to give marriage the props it deserves there should still be no "dating" or sexual dalliances until they are no longer legally married. I'm having a hard time understanding what's so darn difficult about that very sound concept. When a person is still married while choosing to carry on an affair ( and maybe that partner is a no good so-and-so), that doesn't make it the right thing to do. Whatever the circumstances are, whether that person has wronged, it really doesn't matter (here's that "matter" again)because the person who is cheating isn't holding the institution of marriage in high esteem. You can slice and dice it however you like, but "dating" while still legally married is cheating. The cheating isn't only happening to the person, but the cheating is also happening to the institution.

And Dr. Browne is not only a "talk show psycholigist", but she has had her own practice, is involved in many charitable organizations, has written numerous books and papers, lectured, and is sought out by her peers in matters involving various situations where a well respected psychologist and family counselor is needed.

"I think you are well aware that I chose a "sooner rather than later" path myself."

I really had no idea that you did. Maybe I can surmise, but I certainly wouldn't query you about it (or anyone else for that matter). I (personally) wouldn't advertise that was the path I'd chosen. That's just me.

Speaking as one who had a loooong protracted divorce, and shacked up with her TRUE LOVE (for the last 20 years) while still legally married to her first husband...I respectfully disagree with you Mrs. Marv.

My mother, widowed less than a year, met her beloved mate, who was still legally married, but seperated. Apparently his first marriage had been miserable for years, and he'd finally left his wife only a month before he met my mom, but their divorce went on for over a year. The day after the divorce was finalized, he and my mother married. They've been married 10 blissfully happy years.

Marriage may be a sanctified union, but to end the union LEGALLY can take a long time, and in some cases, the heart can't wait.

However, in Eileens situation, it seems to me that this fellow was in complete rebound. And what better definition of rebound than returning to an ex? NEVER retread an ex I say!

Thanks Pesky. I guess that was my real question - does it ever work out with an ex? More often than not, no. The ex is an ex for more than one reason.

My wonderful DH was an ex. During round 1, we were both different people. Me more so than him. I confused stable with boring. After dumping him, I spent several years beating myself up with alcohol/drug addicted multiply-pierced, tattooed freaks.(Nothing against piercings or tattoos - I have some myself, but these were not guys you bring home to mom.)

We found each other again after I grew up a bit and left an abusive alcoholic and he broke off an engagement with a ball-buster. We've been together for a dozen years, blissfully married for nearly the last decade. I couldn't imagine my life without him.

An ex is an ex for a reason, but if the reason no longer exists than you should leave the gate open. None of this is to say that your ex is Mr. Right. Just that you shouldn't have to follow strict rules for your heart, including papers-in-hand rules.

threedgrad, I would just say, don't sell yourself short. You may be surprised when you decide you are just fine exactly the way you are and you really like yourself and your situation that someone special will find you! That's what happened to me-divorced for many years, dated a lot of toads, met up with someone I knew from childhood when my son was 11, and the rest is, as they say, history.

Not to beat a dead horse, but when I called him a cheater, it was because it sounded as if he was dating threedgrad as he was dating, marrying, leaving, dating, remarrying other women. She deserves better than that! Everyone does. I still think he sounds like a cad. On a personal level, I really don't care if people get married or not. If they want to do so, they should be able to and that includes anyone and everyone. If they want not to marry, that works, too. No worries. I don't like it, though, if people insist (I know-my word not yours) on going through the legality of getting married, but then decide the legal aspect shouldn't count when the marriage doesn't work. Seems to be a bit of a double standard-when it is convenient, fine; when it isn't, nevermind. Also, it isn't necessarily "love" that won't wait, if you know what I mean...

Mrsmarv, thank you for responding to my request and expanding on your thoughts.

I don't necessarily agree with you, but appreciate you taking the time to share your point of view.

If more women (or men for that matter) would listen to that "little voice" in their head, there wouldn't be as many unhappy marriages and divorces as there are. Always listen to that "gut feeling". As for reconnecting with an old flame, the success or failure would depend a lot on the original reasons for breaking up. Those reasons are probably still true today as they were then. If there was cheating then there will be cheating now or if their personal habits were irritating then then they will still be irritating. People don't really change as much as we would hope they would.