{{gwi:1575008}}

As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all
for your educational e-mails over the past year. I
am totally screwed up now and have little chance
of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without
using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon
slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because
I can only imagine what has happened on it since
it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who
has been driving because the number one pastime
while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip
because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans
fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has
placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about
rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to
use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in
a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch
the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when
I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it
causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be poked with
a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will
ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because
a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause
me instant death when it bites my b.u.t.t.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend
over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by
the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room,
because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over
6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY!