I'm sorry they are having to go through infertility treatments. We did, also...about 25 years ago but I still remember the pain. Three of the couples closest to us ALL were having their 2nd babies at the same time. Now, that was awful :(

The best advice is to listen if they want to talk. Hugs would be nice, too! Asking questions on occasion should be acceptable, but I would NOT ask if she's pregnant. I'd ask how the treatment is coming along, or if there would be anything you could do to help. Sometimes the treatments may make it necessary for her to not be too physical, so maybe you could offer to run a vacuum cleaner or go to the grocery store.

If they still have not conceived by the time your DD#1 gives birth, give your DIL an extra big hug and just let her know how difficult this is for her.

There are infertility support groups you can find online, and maybe that is something they'd be interested in.

I was on clomid, as was my dh .. and DS was conceived by artificial insemination, we were lucky that it worked the first time. However, we tried again for a full year, and sadly it didn't work again. We couldn't afford the treatments that Steph and her DH were fortunate to have. But we are blessed to have an only son!

Now, I CAN tell you to NOT say what MY mom said...
"Gee, all your dad had to do was hang his pants on the footbard and I was pregnant!" LOL THAT is not helpful.

Just tell they you want to support them in any way possible and ask them what you can do or say!

I HATED it when people said relax. I WAS relaxed for the first year and a half. No luck. Relaxing certainly doesn't hurt but for us it wasn't the reason for not conceiving. So saying relax only causes MORE stress!! If it didn't work before, there is an issue that hasn't been resolved. After two children I was able to conceive naturally and the last one was free. Time and cash are big concerns when it comes to infertillity. Our insurance didn't cover most of the treatments.

On top of being a stressful time, Clomid does effect women for the worst. Tempature changes, emotional as well as the big physical changes. Bear with the mom wanna to be. When it works it's well worth the stuggle.

The best thing to say is what my mom said when I told her what we were going through -- "I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this!" and she left it at that.

You already know all of the stuff that you shouldn't say (see above! :)) "Just relax...are you pregnant yet...did you know that cousin Cynthia's 14-year-old is pregnant?...have you thought about adoption?...maybe it's all for the best...blah blah blah!"

All of the above and btw chances of you getting pregnant after adoption are the same as before.

Here's a group that might help. Just keep in mind Mother's Days are rough.
Kristi

Here is a link that might be useful: Resolve

Our son and daughter-in-law went through this same thing. It took them a couple years with the invitro but finally had a baby girl. Tried again and had no luck. Finally a friend told them about a new thing and it worked the first time. It was a male hormone of some type. I will try to find out more for you. She stopped the invitro for 90 days and took the hormore. Wham, she was pregnant. Had twins.... She knows several people that did this and got pregnant..

I know how hard this is for everyone.. They didn't tell anyone they were trying. She is a school teacher and several teachers were having babies during all of this.. To make it even harder our daughter-in-law's mom died when their first baby was just 2 months old. She came up for Mother's day and went on a trip the next week. Died unexpectly out of state 2 weeks later......

Just be there for them all you can... It will mean alot to them...

Susie

Both my oldest dtr and oldest son tried for years, went through treatments at the same time, spent thousands of dollars. Eventually dtr conceived through ICSI, but son's wife never did, never will. It's been sad for son. He is the best (and favorite!) uncle to our gkids.

The less said the better. Your kids know you love and support them, that you are anxious to know. They'll tell you the second they know for sure. I think it's very wise not to tell anyone else what they're going through. People asked us all the time, "When is so and so going to have a baby?" "Is so and so trying to have a baby yet?" We just said we'd be sure to let them know when there was something to report. Eight years later, people continue to ask things like, "Doesn't your son want kids?" to which we say, "I've never asked." It is nobody else's business.

Sherry

You've gotten some great advice. I'll second (or third or fourth) what was said about not asking if she's pregnant. Also, don't ever tell her to relax, it will happen. As much truth as there is to that statement, it's not what someone going through infertility treatments wants to hear.

I think it's perfectly ok to occasionally ask how the treatments are going and if there's anything you can do (there really isn't much you can do but by saying that shows your support).

If your DIL ever wants to talk about it, listen to her and just lend an ear, and shoulder (because infertility hormones can make a person very emotional). If she expresses sadness or frustration over the process or her situation in general, tell her it's perfectly ok to feel that way. She needs her feelings validified. Tell her its ok to be angry. I felt better hearing that than I did about hearing "it will all work out".

Ultimately though, anyone that said anything to me, even though it may not have been what I wanted or needed to hear at the time, I appreciated them because I knew they were just trying to help and be supportive. But I truly believe that unless you go through something like this, you have no idea the toll it takes on someone.

Just be supportive. The fact that you are asking because you want to say and do the right things speaks volumes about you.

I wish them the best of luck. I did 2 cycles of Clomid with IUI (artificial insemination) and moved on to IVF after my tubal pregnancy. If she ever want/needs to talk to someone that's been there, I'm more than willing to lend an ear.