Good Morning ...long time no post BUT I am reading when I have time. Christmas Exchange - I'm in! French Lick - I'm out. I will be in San Diego for my oldest DS's Police Academy graduation. Diet - I am doing very well on WW. I actually really love the program and it is working for me. I needed accountability and I was not good at all. I love food and as much as I loved some of the low carb diets...I cheated too easily because I missed some on the things that I loved to eat. On WW, I can have a potato, banana, popcorn...etc. I am not putting down low carb, it works for some but I don't remember the last time I lost 10 pounds so easily. I am doing their Core plan and I don't count points unless it is a treat like a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich, fat free chips or something like that. I have to pay each week to get weighed and I find the meetings pretty good. I am doing with the SO and he is losing too. He needed to lose weight and I really was not into making different meals for each of us so I said I would do WW with him. He is losing too and being as competitive as I am...I think it keeps me on task. Work - BUSY and I lost my assistant so I have twice as much work again to do. Working out - I work in an office full of IT geeks. I was talking to one of them the other day and he was telling me about this program for the XBox. ( Video Game Machine ) It is called Yourself Fitness. It is like having a personal trainer. It creates different work outs for you according to your fitness level. It keeps you interested because the workouts change all the time. They even ask you what kinds of other workout items you have and incorporate that into the workout. ( weights, fitness ball, step ) I am seriously considering this because I really want to get back into shape. My car accident in 03 has really messed up my back. I haven't worked out since then because it seems like any little thing give me sciatica. I put on 10 pounds on top of what I needed to lose and that only added to having low self esteem about myself. I have one of the momentus birthdays next year and I really really want to look good for it. Kids -They are all well and happy! I cannot ask for more. I really feel blessed each day because they are so good and well adjusted. Alright - I wrote more than I thought I would have time for! Hello to all and prayers for those who need them! Gretchen

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here. I was incredibly relieved to find this discussion, as while my friends and family are very supportive and attempt to be helpful, none have any experience whatsoever with being in a relationship with someone with children. Okay, here it goes: I am a 30-year-old woman who is in a 4 and a half year relationship with a wonderful, brilliant, kind, successful 42-year-old man who I connect with in more ways than I can count. I met him when I was 25, and his two daughters were 11 and 16. He has sole custody of them, and went through a long and painful court battle to win custody (this was prior to our meeting). Their mother is abusive, manipulative, and completely insane, and they don't have much contact with her. I have been fortunate enough to not have had contact with her because of her minimal contact with the kids and the fact that she and my boyfriend completely ignore one another (he has made several attempts to stay on good terms with her, but she only seems interested in using the kids to hurt him. They themselves have even asserted this. I try to remain neutral when they tell me such things). The extra-complicated part in all of this is that their relationship began when he was just 15 years old, and she was 27. He came from an abusive home and ended up in a relationship with this sick person (who is obviously also a pedophile). Fortunately, he had the sense to get out, but not before he had two children with her. I met the kids almost immediately when we started dating (big mistake), and even though they liked me and I liked them and we got along quite well, we absolutely should've spent more time developing a strong foundation between us beforehand. I tried my hardest to be considerate, kind, and caring without being overbearing or attempting to assume a parental role (as I am just 9 years older than his eldest). We did most things together, and after awhile, I found myself feeling quite stressed out about the lack of adult time with my boyfriend. We made more of an effort to do that, and things seemed to be going well for awhile, but he then began to ask about my moving in with him. I explained that while I loved him, I didn't think I was yet ready to, a), move in with someone, and b), move in with someone and their children (he is also my first long-term relationship, and I have never lived with anyone). In addition to the marriage to the mother of his children, he had a brief (6-month) marriage that ended about 6 months before we met, so he is quite comfortable with the idea of living with someone. A few years ago, he began having some major issues with his youngest(who is now 16). Since then, she's been hospitalized for cutting and suicidal thoughts, has abused heroine and been involved in prostitution, has spread malicious lies about my boyfriend, and is now dating an equally disturbed young man whom she was forbidden to see when my boyfriend found out that this boy was emotionally abusive. The boy then threatened my boyfriend's life for cutting off his contact with the daughter, and she still wanted to be with him. She then went to her mother's (who she never sees and never wants to see), who allows her to see the abusive boyfriend, and who we found out tried to lure her to live with her by telling her that she and the abusive boyfriend can move in with her when they're 18, and has completely turned her back on my boyfriend, who is the most kind, loving father I've ever known. This was about 2 months ago, and she refuses to receive phone calls from him or see him, and her mother doesn't encourage her to repair her relationship with her father (and I assume she is actually enjoying knowing he's in pain because of how sick she is). My mind is absolutely blown by this (even as I write this, I am in utter shock and disbelief as to how crazy things have become with her and can't imagine how any of this would look to an outsider), and I am utterly brokenhearted to see my boyfriend in all of this pain over this very sick child. Her sister, the 21-year-old, has completely written her off, and has told me that she thinks there has always been something deeply wrong with her sister, but that she was always afraid to tell her father for fear of him being upset with her. Because it was always just the three of them, she worried that telling her father about her sister's behavior when he wasn't around would disrupt the family unit. Their mother was diagnosed by several court-appointed counselors as schizophrenic with borderline personality disorder, and we fear that this is what's happening with the youngest. I have tried my very hardest to be supportive and loving during this incredibly challenging time. My boyfriend cannot sleep, is having a hard time focusing at his clinic, and is completely depressed. As he has been pushing the idea of us living together for awhile now, this incident made me realize how important it is that I be there living with him (I am currently there 3-4 days/week), and I told him that I am seriously thinking about moving in together. His response was that he thinks that I am just happy that his daughter is gone, and that that is what prompted my desire to move in, which is not the case at all--I would much rather see her home and healthy, but I also pointed out to him that all she has caused him is pain for the past 3 years, and that maybe he does need a break from all this and maybe she needs to sort things out on her own, as he has done all he can to support and love her. He also pointed out that his 21-year-old is planning on moving out soon and thinks that I only want to move in because of that coupled with the youngest being gone. I will admit that I have expressed concern about the 21-year-old, mainly because she still doesn't have a license and still wants to spend every living, breathing moment with her father and has never dated, and even has to be right at his side at all times when in public (both kids reacted differently to their mother's abuse--one rebelled, the other hides from the world). Still, I like her very much and enjoy spending time with her, but do think it would benefit both of them for her to get out on her own and begin to form a separate identity. This brings me back to the living together situation; my boyfriend also lives in a wealthy suburb that was a court-mandated part of the custody arrangement because the judge thought it best that the students remain in the prestigious school system there, so he is living where he is for the 16 year old. I currently live in the artsy part of the city, and am reluctant to move into the suburbs with him to wait for his rebellious daughter to return. He asked how I would feel if I moved in with him and she moved back in. I said it would be hard, but that I would support his decision. I also told him that it has been incredibly hard to see her hurt him like this over and over, and that I think it might be best for her to learn things the hard way right now. He was incredibly hurt by that, and said that what I was saying was because I never fully bonded with the kids (I've done my best!). So I am at a crossroads. I can give up my fantastic apartment in a thriving art community (I am an artist) to move to the suburbs to wait for this terrible child to decide to move back in with him, or I might lose him (he is pushing me to make a decision). On one hand, I realize that it's just an apartment and a location and that my lifestyle would change. On the other hand, I worry about completely losing myself and becoming more and more steeped in the complete chaos of his relationship with his extraordinarily damaged daughter who keeps hurting him. I love him more than I ever thought possible, and don't want to lose him, but know I must make a decision. If you got this far, thank you for reading, and if you feel so inclined, please, I need some advice, and don't hold back.

"And they should feel fortunate that they were able to explain to her that it wasn't that she wasn't wanted, it was the day and age, it was the age of the mother, etc. and they were trying to do what they thought was best." I wanted to add on this note, too, who it is exactly that FD thinks should have stepped forward for Jane? Her birthmother ( my mom's first cousin) was 14! This was back in an era when single moms just didn't exist. Having a baby and raising her wasn't an option for the birthmom, as she was just a child herself! The birthfather was also young, 15 when Jane was born. (I might add, he and Jane have almost no relationship today because they just didn't have much of a connection. It IS fortunate and extremely rare that Jane and her birthmom were able to forge such a strong bond. I know it is the rare exception in these situations!) Anyway, so we have ruled out Jane's birthmom having been able to keep her and raise her. Jane's birthmom's mom was a single mom herself---her husband had walked out on the family years earlier, leaving her to go to work and struggle to support her 3 girls. She couldn't have raised Jane's baby, either. She was struggling as it was to take care of her 3 girls, and as it was, my grandparents actually wound up setting up college funds for all three of them. Let's see....my grandparents were around, but at that time, my grandpa was still working; he made a lot of money in his stock options after his retirment, so at that point, while they were well-off, they did not have the assets they do now. They certainly could have afforded to raise Jane, and like I said, I know my grandma really wanted to, but everyone felt it best for ALL involved if Jane went to a family with typical-age parents. They also felt that it would be too awkward and uncomfortable for everyone, including Jane, for her to be raised within the family, but not by her birthmother. They worried about the emotional pain and turmoil that would have caused the birthmom and Jane herself. And really---was it even my grandparents' responsibility???? Why is it FD that you think family members are RESPONSIBLE for someone giving their child up for adoption? If my teenage cousin had a baby today and wanted to give the baby up for adoption, never in a million years would I think I would be obligated to raise that baby. Actually, I would think it kind of presumptuous of me to even SUGGEST the notion. I am thinking of my sweet little 19 year old cousin right now...if she had a baby, and wanted to give the child up for adoption because she felt it was the right choice, I would not FAULT her for that, nor would I even think it was REMOTELY my business! I would offer my love and support in whatever was best, but I would never think that I should step in. I might consider it if she ASKED me to raise her child but I would not bring it up. Who else would there have been that you think "wronged" Jane by not raising her? My mom? My mom was 23 and in grad school, not even married to my dad yet. My uncle? He was in college. Jane's birthmom's sisters? One was in highschool and one was in grade school! I am not sure who these fictional people are who you think should have "wanted" and raised Jane?

Briley, this post was written a while back but I hope you still read the comments. I can so relate to you. My dads wife came into the picture and acted nice as pie at first..then she slowly drove a wedge between my dad and I. Her jealousy of your relationship with him and concern for $$ after he dies I believe are her motivating factors -as are my dads wife's motivations and concerns. I truly feel that if they don't care about the adult children -they really don't care about their spouse. Caring for your spouse is being cordial and welcoming at the very least to your husbands children-no matter what age. My dads wife has wrapped such a web around him-he cannot even see what she's done to us and our father daughter bond. ): and the grandchildren. My advice to you is to make plans often (3x) week to see your dad outside the house without her-quick coffee, dinner, breakfast, a walk on his lunch break -keep your bond strong before he retires. Once retired, the talons get even stronger. I am so very sorry and I can relate more then you even know. It's really really important to not let her keep you from having one on one time with your dad. My dads wife would call and talk to my dad for 20 mins when I was out having a special lunch with him. She would tell me as they left my house"they were going home to have some fun". It makes me want to throw up. She would exhibit naked statues around the house when we came to visit with young children saying it was art. She's highly jealous and suspicious if I am talking alone with my dad like I am the other woman. Some people are really mental. I wish every day that my dad had never married her and ruined our family.