I think it sort of depends on how long he will be there. Short-term, I'd go with DH and ignore. If it is more long-term (more than a month), I would probably say something. It is your house and your DH's, too, so it would be good to figure it out together and then, since it is his brother, I would ask DH to take the lead when it comes to explaining that. I wouldn't even bring religion into it. These are YOUR things and it is not his place to rearrange them.

That is strange he would change the common areas of the house. All I can say is that he must feel very strongly about it for some reason to do that. I would think he'd have said something and asked first if they make him uncomfortable rather than just change things. I would probably ask what the problem is and try to work with it.

That's just rude! It's your house. If he objects to your choice of "art" then maybe he should find other accommodations.

Whoa, This would be a big big deal to me! This type of disrespect from a GUEST would be unacceptable in my home. You need to not give him an excuse but simply tell him that you know what he is doing and you insist that it stop. If he tries to give you his reasons, interrupt him, tell him that it doesn't matter - DON'T DO IT ANYMORE. Then smile.

" but I think he's being rude by imposing his belief by disprespecting our beliefs"

It may not have anything to do with religion. I know someone who had to remove all the family pictures from the bedroom when she remarried because it gave her the creeps to have them all looking at her. Some people are uncomfortable about portraits that way too. That's how covering their heads or turning them away strikes me. He may have meant to put them back when he was done in that area but forgot.

You know him and your relationships with him, whether or not he would intentionally be rude, disrespectful or aggressive with you or dh or your spiritual beliefs.

I wouldn't stew over it. Just ask him what the problem is. It's kind of hard to ignore (unless he's just eccentric and won't be staying very long).

You could offer a small compromise - tell him you noticed what he's done and that you don't want him removing or covering anything in the public rooms but that you will remove the ones from his bedroom while he's staying with you.

I'm amazed that any guest - even a relative- would do something like that on his own. I can't even imagine what religion would require him to cover them up. It doesn't matter whether they had a religious significance to you or not he shouldn't touch them.

I think what BIL is doing is incredibly rude. He is bulldozing over your beliefs to push his own....in your home....as a guest! However, it is up to your DH to take on this fight. For you to do it will cause too many hard feelings, and possible future in-law problems, and maybe even resentment from your DH. If your DH is unwilling to do it, I would probably swallow my feelings and tell myself it's only short-term and he's hurting.
Dee

If he is offended by your taste in statuary and accessories, whether you've chosen them for religious or just decorative reasons, he should stay somewhere else. Maybe this is a taste of some of the behaviors that are causing difficulty in his marriage. He may also be mentally ill and truly believe the Buddhas have some kind of evil powers. Religious delusions are a common problem for schizoprenics. Even if it's just a touch of superstition, it's your house, your rules, and if he can't respect them maybe you can steer him towards an inexpensive hotel or another relative's house. Where is his own family? I wonder how your sister in law feel about your letting him stay? Does it seem like you're taking side with him? Just a few thoughts. Good luck, and good for you for trying to help.

I would ask why he is doing it, in a loving way.
I don't know how long he will be with you, but if he is truly bothered by them, I would cover them up or put them away until he leaves. I would do that out of love, nothing else. He is going through a hard time, he is acting strange in your home, but help him with his idiosyncrasies.

And Judithn, I am quite sure I am not schizophrenic or mentally ill, however, I do believe objects of worship other than Jesus Christ are demonic strongholds. This is a common belief for many Christians.
I respect Pesky's right to do whatever she wants in her home and as for her brothers reasons, well, who knows until she asks. He should, of course, respect her home, but I would be forgiving in this as divorce is difficult for most people and might make his behaviors different than normal for a while. Then again, maybe he is normally rude!

DH just told me that some people think Yoga is anti-Christian. Oh boy . . .

Bumblebeez, you've pretty much hit it on the head. He is fundamentalist Christian and he knows DH and I have different views. I did a compromise and put the pieces that were in his room in my formal living room for the time being. The one in the bathroom I might move to our master bath for now.

I realize his beliefs might be bringing him comfort, so I don't think I'll make a big deal about it. If he were just visiting I probably would, but since he is going thru this difficult time, I will be a bigger person. As long as he doesn't start objecting to what DH and I watch on TV!!

I don't know how his wife feels about him being here...but we welcomed him in as he's got no where else to go. He's virtually penniless...hands her his paychecks and she's not paid their rent in the last few months, so he's going to be homeless. But I know that it's not going to be a long term thing...perhaps a few more weeks, but not months. I just can't see that...my DH would go nuts by then!

I do love my BIL very much, he's a great person and we've always gotten along very well. It's just his wife...ugh...cannot stand that woman. Never have, never will.

Thanks all for your advice. I just needed to bounce my concerns off some others. This group is always so insightfull!

Kelly, you hit the nail on the head! I am the Queen Bee when it comes to what Christians think of any 'new age' religion. (I confess: I'm agnostic.) I deal with this same kind of situation for $$. It's my job.

Pesky, I think you should be sympathetic while addressing it. If you collect religious deities because you think they are calming and you like the look, your BIL may not see them this way AT ALL! I'd find out what they represent to him and then decide what to do. I have a feeling they do not represent decorations to him. You need to pretend you are a journalist and find out.

Kelly, when I told my mom I was taking yoga classes a decade ago she brought up the "cult" word. ;)

Pesky, I think you are doing the right thing. He will be out of your house soon, dont make a big deal out of it, life is too short, you want to keep the otherwise good relationship you have with him. You are a good SIL.

Somehow I sincerely doubt that a statue of the head of the Buddha is going to be packed with evil spirits that are going to leap out and snatch him. No Buddhist actually worships the statue. It's not an icon.

But if you want to be nice, you could take them out of his room. While quoting John 14:2.

John 14:6 is better :-) but for his situation, 1 John 4:4 might help him some.

ideefix, it isn't whether they are filled with evil spirits or not, it's what he thinks they represent. He is obviously having some sort of reaction or he wouldn't be acting like this. I'd ask him.

Pesky, I too might ask why he's doing it; it's possible as you say it's due to his religion. Obviously he feels comfortable enough to turn them around and/or cover them.. some relatives/people are like that. I never would do anything like that; if something really bothered me I would talk to my host about it; hoping the host would remove the offensive/bothersome object, whether it be a photo or what ever. Hopefully this is all that bothers him.. Having guests can be really hard depending on who the person is.

You say he's not staying long. If his wife has not paid anything even with him handing his checks over; where is he getting money to move out? I've seen enough of this to know it usually takes a few months before things get evened out in situations like this. One guy I met at another forum was court ordered to pay so much of the expenses while he did not live there; his wife did not pay the mortgage so he had to take matters into his own hands to protect himself. He ended up paying the mortgage & bills directly while his name was on it, went back to court to have the judge make her put utilities in her own name. I'm not sure what he did with the house - but once she put the utilities in her name he started paying her directly again.

Are their kids involved? If so I can give you some tips so that he's protected & it can be written into any agreements they have.

Good luck. Hopefully this will be a temporary thing. It's really nice of you guys to help him out. Divorce is not easy.

I had wanted to add the same thing that roselvr said which I think is worth repeating, that it's nice he feels that comfortable with you and dh. And especially nice during a difficult time for him.

Fortunately there are no young children, the youngest is almost 20 and had already moved out. Last I heard, his wife was supposed to be getting some psychological help...but I'm taking that with a grain of salt. I heard it from someone other than BIL.

He's hoping to go stay with an Uncle, but I'm not sure what his long term plan is going to be. We haven't sat down and talked to him about it, and I'll talk to DH tonight in bed about it.

It's kind of nice having him around as he's motivating DH to be more active; he's trying to get DH to go to a gym. And he's doing things around the house that I need done, like cleaning the gutters. I can get him to do the honeydo things DH never seems to get around to doing!

Pesky if I were your house guest I would be very appreciative of the fact that you are doing the things to make me feel comfortable that you are doing w/ your BIL in his room.

I feel the same way about religuous stautues other than the religion that I practice.

While I admire the statues and representations of other religions in varied decor, I have never been able to bring them into my own home due to their representation.

As a guest I would be so grateful at your understanding to remove them from the sleeping and private area that you would provide for me. Beyond words.

Remove them from your public area though? Just as you would be so gracious to me in the private area, so would I be as gracious to your hospitality and preferences in your public area.

Wow, if all you have to do is give him room and board, you might want to keep him. A good handyman is hard to find.

Your BIL is fortunate to have your and your husband. I think you are handling things exactly the right way. Hope it all works out - for all of you.

tina

I hear the rates at Motel Hell are really cheap this time of year, it being halloween and all. (JK!)

Hopefully he won't stay long and start to get more weird as time goes by.

I realized last night just how vast our differences are. I got him talking about the divorce situation and asked if they'd been to marital counseling. He noted he'd talked to their pastor, which is ok, it's good for comforting, I guess...but the pastors answer was to let Gods will come forth.

I was discomfited, from what BIL says, their issues are communication based, and could benefit from a marriage counselor who specializes in that field, not someone who just preaches their faith and has no backround in this type of thing. I don't care if it'd be religious based, but something that at least had some sort of therapist backround; I hate the idea of a family splitting up because he didn't pray hard enough.

And tonight, I was watching a program on PBS about God in America and he didn't like the topics, since it was exploring other religions, so he went to bed early. It's so odd for DH and I...we are very curious about religions and schools of thought, but he's closed minded to anything but his belief. He's not been preaching to us, and we definitely appreciate that, but I think we may be too progressive for him and he'll be leaving sooner than later simply because of that.

On a slightly different note...do you decorate for Halloween and will he have difficulty with that? When I worked in the library at our local grade school we had two fundamentalist Christian families who kept their children home on Halloween rather than participate in the Halloween parade and party.

pesky, I just wanted you to commend you on how you are handling your BIL. WAY LONG ago, I have been in his shoes, and when you are a Christian, and major trauma happens in your life, your religion can become a VERY important thing to hold on to and in his point of view, God is his strenghth right now, and could be the only thing keeping him sane. So, anything that he sees as being non-christian, at this time in his life, really hurts him. I am sure you are such a gracious host, and he probably really feels comfortable with you, except for the statues, but, I'm sure he is desperate for a place to live, and will put up with the statues because of that. I hope that didn't come off mean, because I think you are really taking the high road on this issue, just wanted to maybe shed some light on his feelings during the awful time for him. You are a great SIL, and on the other hand, he is so lucky to have you!

when you are a Christian, and major trauma happens in your life, your religion can become a VERY important thing to hold on to

That would hold true for all religions ... not just Christian.

We're allowed religious freedom in this country, even though some would choose to deny that.

Really, Natal?? Not sure I was aware of that-HA! My post was specifically about pesky's BIL, and it sounds like he is a Christian, and going through a really rough time.

I personally like Buddah's and don't get worked up about them, I find them calming also.

Pesky - Not sure what his religious background is, but I thought I would mention a Catholic based program that helped save my marriage ten years ago - the religious aspect of it, for me, wasn't central, or even important, but for us, it was a great addition to marriage counseling. Since you mention Pastor, I know he isn't Catholic - but the program was truly amazing. www.retrouvaille.com (perhaps there is something similar with his religious focus) Of course, you mention that his wife is a beast, so maybe you don't even want to share this info with him. :-

Whoa, I see potential drama... please allow me to cut it off right away.

Olliesmom- I honestly, and I mean honestly, interpreted her comment as simply a comment and nothing more. As I read it my interpretation caused me to shake my head in agreement. She was simply reminding us how no matter what your beliefs are, any, our beliefs help us. I can see how easily words read can be interpreted many ways. I honestly think she was being kind, and I also think your response can only be interpreted as defensive because you may have thought she was being mean. Hope that makes sense.

Anyhoo, not to get onto ANY religious argument here, but I do have two comments to make.

1) my sis belongs to a wonderful church. Her dh has left her because her breath is bad, she is a horrible housekeeper and she is fat (his exact words). They of course decided to seek counseling and thought to take advantage of the services of their church. My sis was basically told to be a good wife and fix things. Yet when my sis approached HIS family for advice they all told her that she is wonderful and he has NEVER deserved her. They have kicked him to the curb and are doing everything they can to assist her with moving on with her life without him.

2) my other sis lost her dh of 17yrs very, and I mean very tragically. They belonged to same congregation for 20yrs together. These folks who raised their own kids with her basically abandoned her in her hours, months and years of need. When she started looking into dating 5yrs later, she was only 38 when he died, she was literally told by both men and women members of the congregation that she was horrible for dating. She was dishonoring her deceased husband. It broke her heart. All but maybe 3 families from that tight knit congregation still associate with my sis. She stopped going to church regularly and when she does it is no longer even in the same town where she used to go.

Beliefs of any kind can be so interesting. I personally love to hear of others ideas, even the totally wacko ones. I ask lots of questions so I can get total understanding, even when I totally disagree. Most times the other person is telling me how my beliefs are stupid and how theirs are right. I always, and I mean always, bite my tongue.

Pesky, your BIL is handling things properly it seems. He politely dismisses himself rather than demand or argue about changing the channel. He respects your home, your right to view what you want in it, and simply excuses himself. He sounds like a very thoughful man. As for the counseling issue. If you truly want to give advise you could kindly suggest that he seek both spiritual counseling and an outside opinion. The combination might be good for him. If he says no, simply wish him luck.

I just wanted to comment about Shannon's two stories.

I don't agree with how things were handled in either situation from the church standpoint. (Assuming #1 where you say "My sis was basically told to be a good wife and fix things." They didn't say anything to him?)Of course we all know nobody or no church is perfect but what my Bible says doesn't line up with how those situations were handled and it's things like that, that help turn people off.

I agree counseling can be a good thing.

Pesky I think it's very kind of you and your DH to be taking him in at this time in his life.

And as soon as I hit submit I wish I would've kept my mouth shut. Nobody really needs my two cents about that anyhow.

Shannon, I know you didn't say you agreed with how it was handled either. I'm sorry your sisters had the experiences they did.

Not all churches are the same, the world runs the gamut of stupid, intellectual, kind, mean people, etc. and the churches get their fair share of all regardless of what religion it is.

I think you handled it well pesky.

On a personal note, I really dislike personal displays of faith in public areas specifically because we have acquaintances of many faiths in our inner circle and I don't want anyone to feel that we're pushing one over another. One dear family friend is SDA (I think that's it...no holidays). The children aren't allowed to celebrate things we take for granted, and even take to the tenth degree (halloween, christmas etc). She's a lovely and committed woman...I know she loves her god deeply, yet she does not have signs of her religious convictions in her main rooms. Their bedroom on the other hand, and the girls rooms do have things associated with their faith. When they come to visit we always discuss if there is a holiday in the works so we can plan around that. She's very open about her views, but only in a positive manner (ie she'll come next week because we have a tree up etc). It's very refreshing.

If bumble were coming to my house and I knew of her conviction, I would remove anything that would cause her discomfort from the private areas she would be in, (bathroom, bedroom etc). And again, I don't like things like that in a public room so she wouldn't feel any discomfort in being in a room with a budda etc. But as a guest in my home, I just wouldn't ever want to cause her any discomfort. I learned this odd preference from an early pastor, who told me that all faiths are welcome through his door to exchange and learn from each other. I am not committed to any relious middle men (ok organized religion) and carry my faith in my heart...but should I choose to align myself with something I'd keep those displays in my private area, ie bedroom, sitting room, master bath etc. I just feel it's more inclusive.

Mind you I'm the girl that set a minora (I'm spelling that wrong aren't I?) on my desk at work because the branch manager put up a manger and I didn't think it was right (again, public areas shouldn't have displays of a specific religious type IMO). I certainly didn't tell anyone I was Jewish, but I did learn a lot about Jewish clients that year. It was an eye opener to see how many people were appreciative of a contrast to the manger.

The manger and the manager are both gone now.

Igloo- my SIL's best girlfriend is Jewish. It is really cool that during Christmas/Hannikah they exchange gifts. She gives her friend a gift wrapped in Jewish holiday paper and her friend gives her a gift wrapped in Christmas paper. Both their boys exchange gifts the same way and have learned a lot being friends. I think that is soooo cool.

You also bring up a good point about offices. Years ago my office has a lot of J Witness. When we had a holiday party they of course would not attend. It made me mad that they were forced to stay at office and work instead. That just seemed wrong to me. They should have been able to just go home.

Sheesharee- I hope I understood your post so hopefully I am responding correctly. You are right, I do not agree with how either my sister's churches handled their matters. I was actually saddened and surprised about both experiences. And I agree with you that it is situations like my sister's that gives churches/religion such a bad rap. My mentioning the situations kinda fell along the lines of my suggesting to Pesky BIL that it might be good to get advice from BOTH his religion and outside.

For myself, the best pre-marital counseling I received was through my church. We met with several couples and were not impressed with any of their lectures, we thought of not going anymore. Then we were sent to an older hippie couple. They were so great, had so much great advice. We were both glad we did not let the first couples deter us from continuing to meet with the others. Like Sheesharee said, bad experiences can put a real bitter taste in ones mouth.

***disclaimer***
No comment written by the author is meant to imply any support or non-support of any religious or non-religious group. All comments should be taken as sincere and not intented to cause any harm. Author feels this thread is going in a very great direction and shows tremendous support to the OP.

Sorry, I just had to do that. lol. Someone told me I had a case of the "Being too nice" or something like that the other day when I did not want to offend the furniture salesperson. I think this all just validates her diagnosis.

*****Ok, the ipod things and the cords/wires that are scrolling randomly all over the posts is really annoying. Though my computer was wigging out or something.

Shannon - You understood me right and sad/surprised was what came to my mind too.

Yep that ipod thing woke me up a bit more this morning.

I knew you would be a good hostess igloo!
But really, they wouldn't bother me at all. I think it would bother me a whole lot more to know you had gone out of your way for me than to see what is in your house.

I am not threatened, disturbed, intimidated, tormented, oppressed...you get the gist, by others religious choices.
In my beliefs, I am comfortable with the power of my God. However, I don't really like looking at some of the uglier religious statues including obese half nekkid old men (buddhas), African uhhh, male enhancements or creepy snaky women.
We eat at Chinese buffets all the and while I find the buddhas gross, they don't plague me!
In the bible satan is an angel of light, and very beautiful.
So ugly, beautiful, if it's in your home, that's fine! It's not my home.
And actually, I have no religious decorations of any kind and don't wear crosses. They're just too Holy for me to associate with my decorating accessories and costume jewelry. But that's me only.

"Igloo- my SIL's best girlfriend is Jewish. It is really cool that during Christmas/Hannikah they exchange gifts. She gives her friend a gift wrapped in Jewish holiday paper and her friend gives her a gift wrapped in Christmas paper. Both their boys exchange gifts the same way and have learned a lot being friends. I think that is soooo cool."

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone could see things that way? If we could just be tolerant of everyone's choices. I work with a muslim woman who does not celebrate Christmas. She has 3 lovely children and when they visit the office, they love asking me questions about holidays, etc. We're different in our beliefs, but we enjoy hearing the differences!

And Shee, I understood also what you meant. I AGREE WITH YOU. I do not push my beliefs or my church on anyone. That said, we love our small baptist church. They are so supportive and caring. Even if people within a church disagree with what someone is doing, they can still be supportive. Isn't that what it's all about? Our church is so giving to the community, whether they attend the church or not. That is one thing that so impressed me when we first visited there.

We have an interim pastor at the moment, but our previous pastor was trained in counseling in addition to being a pastor. I agree with Shannon that either or both types of counseling might be of help.

tina

Not all churches are the same, the world runs the gamut of stupid, intellectual, kind, mean people, etc. and the churches get their fair share of all regardless of what religion it is.

Bumblebeez, wiser words were never spoke. Now, if you could just get this made into bumper stickers in every language . . .

Ahhhhh! Hit the send button prematurely. Meant to say: Wiser words have never been spoken.

I don't really like looking at some of the uglier religious statues including obese half nekkid old men (buddhas), African uhhh, male enhancements or creepy snaky women.

Beauty and its opposite are in the eyes of the beholder. It's very easy to find things distasteful and make disparaging remarks as long as the objects aren't one's own cherished symbols. When stripped of its religious/spiritual symbolism, as in the list above, that most recognizable of Christian symbols, the crucifix, can be seen as a depiction of a particularly gruesome form of state sanctioned torture/capital punishment.

I prefer to see the positive things (abundance, enlightenment, fertility, wisdom, and self-sacrifice) all humans can choose to see in those symbols, whether or not a specific symbol and its tradition resonates with me.

I was not speaking of the meaning behind symbols but what they are to look at. Of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder but the American culture does not consider fat old half naked men beautiful.
But my Daddy before he lost weight, sitting on the sofa watching football was beautiful to me. I understand the beauty in things.
Though as I think, I don't know if they can always be separated. A magnificent painting, however gorgeous, of a swastika, will always be repugnant to me.

Oh, I noticed your typo immediately graywings! Not!
I love being quoted, hehe but only the positive stuff.

Shannon that was me - I think I said you have nice person disease or something - and you do! Your disclaimer is perfect and should be something that we all c/p into threads that generate a lot of emotion - substituting whatever is appropriate in that thread for the religious/non-religious words.

***disclaimer***
No comment written by the author is meant to imply any support or non-support of any religious or non-religious group. All comments should be taken as sincere and not intented to cause any harm. Author feels this thread is going in a very great direction and shows tremendous support to the OP.

Late to the party but pesky you are not only a thoughtful host but a supportive and understanding SIL.

Thanks everyone. My graciousness is getting a little thin lately. Not anything to do with the religious aspect, more of the 'guest who stays and interrupts your routine' aspect. It's getting a touch cloying, but this weekend DH and I are planning an outing with our kids and before BIL staying here, DH would have tried to get out of it.

Oh, and for the record, Buddha is not the fat, bald guy...that is Hotei. Hotei is a Japanese God; almost like the Japanese Santa Claus. He's fat and jolly because he represents abundance and joy. He's traditionally the symbol for restaurants & bars, so that is why you'll see him in Chinese restaurants. Buddha is usually represented by a slender being (sometimes Buddha is in female form) in a gown, usually seated in the lotus position. Buddha means 'enlightened one'.

I'm sorry, what was the question?

Pesky- thanks for setting the record straight. I actually can picture the female one right now. I think I have always thougth they were all Buddah. I feel kinda bad about being that ignorant when if one looks at the two statues it is clear that they are not the same. I truly appreciate your mentioning/discribing this.

I must say that Bumblebeez did make me laugh, in a good way, when I read her comment "creepy snaky women". It just made me think of really creepy gargoyles for some reason. I know they can be really neat, but creepy gargoyles freak me out a little.

Yogacat- you mention something that I have always noticed. Not only is the cross a symbol of Christianity, but often times I have looked at it and thought of the punishment itself and been horrified. To think that humanity could do that to a person, it just was horrible. I would love to have some sort of cross in my home but I do think the actual crucifixion would bother me. I am always drawn toward thinking of how horrible event must have been, for any being.

So bumble, I totally agree with you that some things freak me out too. Even my own religion's.

Personally, I think there are lots of things I find soothing in many religions. And some freak me out. Freaky is freaky and soothing is soothing. Doesn't mean I like or dislike, just think they are freaky or soothing.