Oh boy.

That one takes the cake! Miss Manners would faint over that one!

When my husband and myself moved in together many moons ago before we married, each parent came to visit us one at a time telling us we were "living in sin," "living like two dogs in heat", etc. LOL!!!

That's just ridiculous for her to have a housewarming party. Send her a cheap plant and be done with it. :)

I remember reading a trailer for a video about a couple who decide to get married just for all the gifts --
Don't remember the name, but perhaps that video would be an appropriate gift?

Any thoughts?

Oh yeah. Plenty of them. Rude, presumptuous, and tacky all leap to mind. For unnecessarily displaying poor judgment to people from her professional life, I'll add "potential career-limiting move"!

I think your original thought of a plant or cookbook is a lovely and appropriate gesture as a 'housewarming' for a new apartment. But since they've only been dating 6 weeks, I might hold off a bit before making a purchase - this one has temporary written all over it.

The part about her moving in with her BF doesn't bother/interest me, it's the thought of asking for gifts by including the store registries. Since none of you seemed to have heard of this notion for a house-warming, I'm actually relieved. Maybe our society's manners aren't going down the tubes just yet.

I agree with DLM. Get them a plant -- make it a cactus.

My gosh, some people in this world are so greedy...
Maybe get them a box of condoms so she doesn't make another stupid mistake...

It's never appropriate to mention gifts. People who want guidance for selecting gifts will ask.

The point of a housewarming party is to "warm" the new residence with friends and family, not to have them set up housekeeping for you.

Unfortunately our society has become very acquisitional. I recently found my parent's wedding gift list/ thank-you note checklist (1955), and the simplicity of the gifts would be laughed at by most brides-to-be today. Its sad how grabby everyone has become.

Um, tacky.

Pamplist - I'll bet your parents remembered who gave them which towels, dishes, linens, etc., didn't they? I know my mom will go through her china cabinet with me when she's setting the dining room table and always comments, "Auntie Betty gave us this, and my friend from work June gave us this..." Of course, she didn't have a wedding with over 250 guests, either.

I would either do a small plant or nothing.

How about a coffee table book from Miss Manners. Bookmarked on this subject, of course.

When DH and I *bought* our first place (a condo), my great- aunt gave us what she said was a traditional gift of bread (a nice artisan loaf), salt, and a penny. You might want to try that. Everybody else gifted us with their time and labor helping us paint it before we moved in. We had pizza and beer then, and after we moved in we had them over for coffee and cake.

If you don't think that gift will go over well, you could try potholders and kitchen towels (bet he doesn't own any), a welcome mat, or maybe a wreath for their front door (Boy Scouts are taking orders for them now to deliver early Dec, or you could buy/make an artificial one).

I won't get started on the whole subject of registering.

Pal - it would be lovely if you could share a few things from your parents' list with us, just to remind us of the "old days".

ganggreen that is so true about remembering the people associated with gifts and I truly think part of that comes from writing proper thank you notes. Not the "Thank you for the gift and for coming to our wedding." type. If I'd written notes like that my mother would have had my head on a platter -probably the lovely one I received from my Aunt Fan ! THere's something in the process of thinking about the gift, the giver, then putting pen to paper that embeds the information in your head - I remember most, not all - of the details of gifts I/we received at our shower and wedding, almost 28 years ago.

Probably 90% of the thank you notes I receive now (if I get one at all) are the generic-gotta-get-these-done type. If the parents don't teach it the children don't learn it. That's modern speak - my father never had anything to do with those types of lessons! When and if my boys marry, they'd BETTER be part of the thank you note writing or I'll have THEIR heads on platters!

After our wedding we split the thank-you duty and both of us wrote some. Not because we had a zillion guests & gifts, but because it was the right thing. They were gifts to him also, not just me.

His family made a big fuss about it being odd that he would do that when you're think they would have been proud that he had manners! In spite of them, I guess. I don't think writing notes helped him remember who gave us what (unless it was sports related) but I can still tell you the source of lots of things around this house (except anything sports related).

As to the co-worker in the original question, it's no wonder the young woman is so tacky. It's starting with her mother! Her mother is celebrating her moving in with someone after 6 weeks and thinks gifts are required! Yikes.

Lots of great advice above. If you really feel the need to gift her, I'd agree with them: keep it small & inexpensive.

After looking at her registries on-line (under the "wish-list" category since it apparently didn't fit under "baby" or "wedding"), I decided to get her a small cookbook and an all-purpose chopping knife. That way, I am still sticking with my original thought of what a "first apartment party" gift might be, without supporting her/her mom's idea of a gift registry. On her registry were small appliances, baking sets, griddles, towel sets, dishes....everything you'd expect from a wedding registry, with prices to match. No thanks to that idea.

These people sound socially clueless. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, they're probably not issuing the housewarming invitation/list of "suggested" stores with purely greedy motives, although, because of their stupidity that's how this is undoubtedly going to appear to most people.

If it were me, I'd conveniently have a previous engagement and skip the whole thing entirely. I wouldn't feel obligated to give a gift either.

Her mother probably told her: "I'll throw you a shower and you'll get gifts !!"

If they decide to get engaged in 6 months, will she have another shower?
then the wedding, etc..

Your idea of the gift is perfect, in scale with the occasion.
They probably have no clue that what they are doing seems grabby, some people are just like that.

I'm speechless. I'll let you know when I pick my jaw up off the floor.

However, I was thinking that after 16 years of marriage, my towels are getting kind of ratty-looking. Maybe I'll register somewhere and let all my friends and family I need some new stuff :)

Our 20th is next week, *and* we have a new house (well, we've been here 2 years but haven't had a housewarming party since I'm still working on - not ready for the "unveiling" yet). Should we get busy and register this weekend LOL? I didn't register when we eloped.

deedee, what are your co-workers saying about this?

Personally, I feel if you give her those two gifts it's saying "okay" to this new trend of tackiness and selfishness.

I wouldn't do it, not even for a family member. I'd go with Jen's idea and say you have another engagement and let it be.

If we contribute to these situations then we become part of the problem and it will only get worse.

Aside from being appalled at the idea of the gift grab, the idea of having a housewarming party after moving into your first apartment with your boyfriend is not something I've heard of before.

I mean, having a "first party together" or inviting your friends that you socialize with (as opposed to acquaintances at work) to come see your new digs, yeah, that sounds like fun.

But calling it a "housewarming" and registering for gifts... unless I considered her to be a good friend, with whom I socialize outside of work, I'd skip it.

Since she's a co-worker of yours, maybe you could help her out by asking all of the managers to give you a list of everyone's salary. Then the party girl and her delightful mother could just send an invoice with each invitation according to what each person should be able to afford. I'm just trying to make it easier for her -- parties and registering are so much work!

Sarcastic? Who, me?

DeeDee, you are far more generous than I'd be in this situation. Keep in mind, once you give them this gift for their housewarming, you'll be on the list to receive an invoice, oops, I mean invitation for every event, including First Puppy Together, Next New Apartment, Pre-Engagement, Engagement, Wedding Shower, Wedding, Divorce shower....well, you get the idea.

A cactus and condoms! Hahahahahahahaha! Don't wrap them together!

Or First Apartment with My Next BF...(assuming she needs new stuff b/c ex kept it all).

I've only spoken to 3 out of the 9 others in our tiny dept, and all three think the gift registry is tacky. However, these 3 are all my age (mid-late 40s), while 5 others in the dept are ages 22 - 28, and may have a different mindset than us "old foagies". I guess since I told her I was interested in attending (by answering the first email) BEFORE I heard her mention the gift registry at lunch, I feel sort of stuck to go. It's such a tiny dept that even one person missing seems to make a difference. I'll just go for a short while, meet the BF and leave. I do agree with those that have said it's probably lack of social skills that started this. Maybe on April Fool's Day next year I'll send an email at work asking for people to contribute to my car repair registry (PepBoys, Midas, Monroe Mufflers) or my kids' college fund registry (savings bonds, cash, or checks), LOL

LOL, deedee! What you could do is inscribe the cookbook with HER name only, that way if they split up in a few weeks, she'll take it with her. lol

However, I have to say something. My husband and I met at college. It was love at first site. I actually cried in private after I met him because I just KNEW he was the one.

We dated for three weeks, moved in together, then married two years later. Still married!

So who the heck am I to pass judgment on your co-worker? This could be The One! :)

Since you feel sort of stuck to go, I'm sure they'd understand if you couldn't make it if something occurred that would eclipse their event. I'm talking about the very important "My Cat Just Learned To Use The Litterbox Party" that a very old and dear friend of yours is having on the same day. I mean, that's definitely more pressing than your office mate's party.

You could always come down with a case of the S.W.I.N.E. flu ...

Sorry,
Wrong
Invitation -
Needless
Event!

;-)

Perfect, auntjen ;o)

I really like the traditional gifts of bread, salt and a penny that ajsmama mentioned. I had never heard of that, but it really appeals to my sentimental streak.

The cookbook also strikes the right note for me. I still have The Joy of Cooking that my next door neighbor gave me 39 years ago. I was surprised and delighted at her generosity to an aquaintance.

If I genuinely liked the woman and socialized with her outside of work, I might go to the party. If I felt that I had been invited as just another gift source, I wouldn't have a problem declining the invitation even after expressing initial interest. I also wouldn't worry about being conspicously absent from the group of coworkers. Things do come up.

I got stuck on 'dating for six weeks'. Color me gobsmacked.

I also would have something come up.
I wonder if others will too?

Very tacky.

Almost makes me wonder if she isn't knocked up yet...

Wow, I've never heard of this. Wedding, baby - yes. Moving in with new boyfriend - NO. Sorry, I would not go.

Is this their first apartment together, or is she moving in with him into his apartment? Guess it doesn't really matter, as I wouldn't go at all, nor would I send a gift.

I don't care that I'd seem to be an 'old fogie'...the mother is of our generation for cryin' out loud!! It's in very bad form.

I worked in a very small, tight-knit group and one of the support staff was pregnant with her 3rd child. Our section threw her a shower at work and invited other divisions to attend also. A few people got her nice outfits, but no one got her the new car seat, crib, stroller, bedding, etc that had been 'suggested'. In fact, the majority of the people who actually attended didn't bring anything. And fewer than a dozen people came by anyway.

It didn't make things weird around the office and she didn't act put out by the lack of gifts or attendance. She seemed to be happier that her closest co-worker threw the party more than anything else.

So, bottom line, I wouldn't attend this event, even if you did say yes at the initial email. Simply say something has come up (you have to give yourself a pedicure, that is something!!) and say have a good time. No gift, no apologies, no hard feelings. Her few brainless buddies (and mama) will attend and she'll get a few ridiculous gifts and be over it. Save your guilty conscience for the wedding. (insert sarcasm here!)

Housewarming party, fine. In my mind that is an occasion when you take a plant, a bottle of wine, or some food. Moving in together after six weeks--well, different strokes for different folks, I guess.
But to REGISTER for gifts???? That is the craziest, tackiest, most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
I was just at a cousin's bridal shower, and those of us who have been married for 10+ years were saying it would be so nice to have a shower every 10-15 years and get some new things. :) Apparently, we should go for it! And register for gifts while we're at it! Wow.

I've never registered for gifts, but I would imagine the registering store inquires what you are registering for - such as a wedding or a new baby. Do many stores have a shacking-up after six weeks registry?

I would have been tempted to actually say - "You're registering for gifts?" "I've never heard of a gift registry except for weddings and babies!"

I would have loved to hear what she said. Maybe she doesn't realize how ridiculous this is and having you all just nod your heads and say nothing may have legitimized the whole thing to her.

Problem is you can only push so far as she is a coworker/friend and you don't want to have an uncomfortable working environment.

Actually, it's her Mom who is the queen of tackiness.

If you want to go, just bring a gift you would normally bring to a housewarming. Just because she's "registered" doesn't mean you have to get a gift there.

I *love* the idea of the April Fool's Day registry, but don't know if I'd be brave enough to do that at work LOL.

Actually, I *do* believe in repeat baby showers (to a certain extent). My family doesn't, but when my mom's cousin had a surprise baby 8 years after what she thought was going to be an only child, I sent her a gift. Esp. since that child was opposite gender. I gave away DS's car seat/stroller, but still had high chair & crib when we started trying for #2 when he was 2 years old. When I finally got pg with DD and hadn't mc'd by my 8th month, we bought a new carseat/stroller. But I still would have appreciated outfits, again since I had given all of his baby things away in the previous 5 years, and new baby was opposite gender (plus I really wanted to celebrate DD after 2 mcs, corrective surgery, and 2 IVFs to have her).

Now, when people are having kids within a year or two of the previous one, they should have all the necessities. Even then, a new baby is *always* something to celebrate, so small gifts *after* the baby is born are appropriate. When my cousin and his wife had their 3rd, I sent a snowsuit to the hospital b/c even though their 2 boys were same season (March and Dec), I didn't know if they had kept a newborn snowsuit for 5 yrs (or even had one originally).

AJsmama, I totally agree with you re repeat showers. If there is one thing we should celebrate it's a newborn baby and it is surely a big expense for a young family so you know all help and gifts are appreciated.

I am not even so against wish lists-- my time is precious and I appreciate having an idea what a person needs and likes before spending my time or money on them. That said, directing coworkers to a registry is just way too brazen. Perhaps the registry was intended for family and was just extended? I'd like to believe it was more an oversight than outright greed.. but I have my doubts.

Usually people bring some sort of gift to a house warming party, knowing that, maybe the registry was just to make it easier for everybody so she didn't end up with 12 plants or cookbooks or duplicates of something she already has, but different, useful small gifts. I'm curious as to what she was registering for. A 300.00 new cooking set is one thing, but a dish towel set is reasonable I would think.

Maybe gift registry is becoming like gift cards-just another way to make the whole gift giving process a little less time consuming and personal.

"I would have been tempted to actually say - "You're registering for gifts?" "
I know that would've flew out of my mouth.

Wow, I'm still in the younger camp and don't know anyone that bold. For the occasion that it is I see no reason to register. When we moved into our house, if we'd have bothered to have a "house warming party" I seriously wouldn't of expected gifts and I know if I would've registered... well, I'm sure that would've baffled everyone to say the least. lol What in the world.
Like someone else mention, are they going to have another if they get married?

I wouldn't even be going, but if you do, I think something small like the plant is a nice gesture.