I've never been involved with anything like this but,if nothing, I'd make sure you or she took pictures...And how can another friend say, she asked for it...No one asks to be beaten up, that's terrible...
You're a good friend to be there for her.....

Bestlawns post a few days ago....

Here is a link that might be useful: help for victims of domestic violence

She should report this. It's all documented by her hospital visit. She doesn't deserve this treatment. And how old are the kids? Also, I wouldn't call that other person a friend. No way.
Leslie

The issue of abuse is complex. To those of us who have never been in an abusive relationship, the choice is clear. But in many cases the abused partner (usually the woman) is addicted to her abuser and might not want to separate from him.

The roots go back a long way. Chances are he didn't start out being physically violent. He started chipping away at her self-esteem early in the relationship, and now she's at the point where she can't imagine herself as a strong person capable of living on her own and taking care of her children without him.

I used to work for a domestic violence agency. We had a hotline that was covered 24/7, and we offered free counseling to abuse victims. I suggest you do your best to put her in touch with your local agency. Have her call their hotline and speak with someone about her current situation, and encourage her to set up counseling.

Oh, and photograph her injuries.

At least the hospital will have the ER records of the abuse when this maniac kills her (or starts wailing on the kids, too) and goes to trial.

I know I'll get lambasted for this, but I have little tolerance for abused women who willingly go back for more. The stories/excuses are universal - "this is the first time; I love him; he didn't mean to do it and says he's sorry; I deserved it; I have no money, no job no place to go with my big dog and two cats" (like the last thing this person needs to is to be taking care of pets!).

You're a beautiful person for helping her out when she needs you and you're involved now whether you want to be or not. She simply cannot go back to someone who beats her and if the childen are old enough to take sides against her, the tragedy of it all is just compounded. Yes, a police report will help her, and depending on what your state laws are, it might also mean mandatory jail time for the husband for the assault.

In truth, I've never had any personal experience with this kind of thing - only what I read or see on TV. And it might be regarded as too easy for someone to tell someone else to pick up their self esteem and move on and that sometimes having no man is better than having a jerk who beats you.

Your friend is faced with some tough decisions; help her make the right ones. And if she, unfortunately, makes the wrong ones, at least you did your best.

Hopefully her kids are old enough to be out of the house. That would be my main concern at this point.... and his abuse if documented 'may' help her custody case. I'm not really sure she's gonna get a bigger split of money, though, because her husband is an abusive a-hole. I would have her get a restraining order against him if nothing else.

What shocks me is her other friend (who said she asked for it) and the fact that her kids are siding with the husband (I am guessing they are grown up). It leads me to ask the question ... Have you seen the other guy? Is it possible this was a two person fight that she really did start? Maybe "she" doesn't want to get in trouble with the police. I sincerely don't want to 'blame the victim' so to say, but what other info. do these people have that would lead them to blame her? I know sometimes abused woman often blame themselves wrongly or think they started it, but that abused victim blaming yourself perception of being the one who causesd it doesn't usually cross over into friends and adult children - well, I guess it could if her husband is very clever, evil and deceitful. Whey are they blaming her? Are we/you missing a puzzle piece or do they just not think she's actually hurt or something? Because I would be on the phone giving them a piece of my mind.

Sad story any way you look at it. I would bet she appreciates you standing by her. Gosh, if she is truly the sole victim and her other friends and family members aren't even supporting her; that must be awful.

Lydia, you can call the police. She doesn't have to be the one to call. However, she will have to assert that he caused her injuries. If she refuses to say he did it, they won't be able to do anything. But, please do call because she never will. She may just need that little push.

You are a such a good friend to help her. In Connie's link to my post, there is information to instruct you in your course as her friend. One thing that is important to remember is not to judge her. Saying things like she should have left him or asking why she puts up with him are judgmental even though they don't seem like it. The will put her off and make her feel she cannot trust you because of the way such judgemental questions and remarks make her feel. They will prompt her to go back when what she needs right now is to know someone is on her side. And remember also, she likely will go back. Let her know you are there for her and ask her to promise to tell you anything else he does and says to her. You can document them and your documentations will help her tremedously later on - when she finally decides she's had enough or, goodness forbid, the worst should happen. She is not going to keep a log, so please do it for her. And, whoever that other "friend" is, please do not permit your friend contact with this person while she is there with you. It might not do any good, but ask her not to talk to that person even when she's not with you. She is not friend by any form or fashion. No matter what your friend did (though it's likely she didn't do anything), she did not deserve this and it is not her fault. She does not need to hear that. It will make her blame herself and want to go back to him to make amends for something that cannot be amended. You are such a dear to stick by her side.

Please do not pay attention to what duluthinbloomz4 said. No flame against duluth, but those are exactly the sentiments your friend does not need and are spoken as/from someone who doesn't understand the syndrome. It simply does not matter what duluth, you, me or anyone else thinks is tolerable. The facts are sitting on your sofa in flesh and blood, and she needs help. That is all that matters.

Connie, thanx for linking that thread. I meant to keep it on the first page for a while and will bring it back up now.

How did she explain those injuries at the hospital?

Read what everyone else said. Thank you for taking her in and being such a good friend. Encourage her to seek help. And tell her she must take the kids and get them away from him. Before she ends up DEAD.

I didn't mention the reason her husband hit her because I don't think it should matter. He has no right to hit her.

The reason her kids (all who live outside of the house) and some of her other friends are siding with the husband is because my friend has been having what most of you might call a "sexless affair". They are really just very good friends and both like to talk on the phone. Everyone (including me) has told her in the past to quit the friendship with this man because it was causing problems with my friend's marriage.

I'm afraid my friend won't press charges. Her husband has already called crying, begging her to come back. We did go to the sheriff's department last night (3:30 am) and I think she would have filed a report then but they were closed. We could have called 911 and I'm sure she could have filed then.

Thanks for all the posts. I'll continue to encourage her to report him, but in the end I know it is up to her.

I did take pictures too, they are on her camera, but they are also saved on my computer.

Nikoleta, she told the workers at the hospital exactly how she got the injuries and it is all documented. I was very surprised that the police didn't show up at the hospital to take a statement, but they didn't. Maybe if she had asked the hospital staff to call the police? I don't know.

The hospital should have notified the authorities. She would have no choice in the matter.

duluthinbloomz4, as you stated, "In truth, I've never had any personal experience with this kind of thing". I am not lambasting you though. I once felt this way, too, until I became a victim. For various reasons, women often choose to stay with the abuser. Yes, the turd sometimes convinces the woman that they somehow deserve the treatment they receive, or threatens more harm if they tell anyone. But ultimately, the woman makes the choice to stay or go. I never thought I would stay with a man who even only verbally abused me, but I did, for more than a year. The first time it became physical (he pushed me and I bruised my ribs on the oven door), I believed it was a fluke and would never happen again. And I was at a time in my life (life after divorce) that I was terribly afraid to be alone. But when it happened again - it was only a slap, but a very hard slap - I knew it would never stop unless I made it stop. Yes, I called the police, but guess what? I wasn't bleeding, I had no broken bones, so there really wasn't much the police could or were willing to do. Lucky for me they were able to convince him to spend the night at a friend's house, and they patrolled that night to make sure he didn't come back home. We talked about it the next day, and he told me that it had been my fault (I was watching something in the oven and couldn't come to bed when he decided it was bedtime). I am lucky that it was not a serious injury. That slap totally woke me up and I ended the relationship.

But, I am SO much less judgmental of women who stay in horrible situations. I will tell them of my experience, but until they are ready, there really is nothing anyone can do, except be there for them.

Before I was hit, I called the police on a neighbor who was abusing his wife. We lived in a duplex and our interior stairs were mirrored by theirs on the other side of the wall. I could hear him dragging her up the stairs (I later found out it was by her hair) and yelling that he was going to drown her in the bathtub. I thought I had saved her life, but the next morning she told me to just stay out of her business. She obviously hadn't come to that point in her life that she could stop the abuse.

As Alisande said, the issue of abuse is complex. But this much is clear. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED.

Lydia, my advice to you is to be there for your friend. Beg her to seek counseling. Recommend that she report the abuse. Suggest she get out of there. But do not bad-mouth her husband. That could come back to bite you in the butt if she decides to stay. Don't say how bad he is, just say how good she is and that she doesn't deserve to be hurt.

I truly hope she escapes this relationship.

"my friend has been having what most of you might call a "sexless affair""

Well,I would say that would be reason enough for a husband to be angry ! Sorry,but whether there is physical sex or not this is obviously something more than friendship.Maybe she pushed DH just a little too far? Maybe she pushed him so he would attack her,giving her a "good" reason to leave,putting the blame on him instead of herself for being unfaithful? I'm not trying to make excuses for him,just asking some "what if's" that are a possibility.
No,she didn't deserve to be beaten up and yes,she should report it to the police and yes,it will most likely happen again if she goes back to him and isn't willing to give up her "friendship" with the other man.Maybe the reason she doesn't want to report it is because she will have to explain the "friend" and it will look like she is to blame?? Sounds like she and her DH need some counseling if they want to save the marriage.
I have never been in an abusive relationship but have been very close to one in my own family.I can see both sides and in most cases there are two sides to every story.All you can do is continue to be her friend and encourage her to do the right thing.Sooner or later everything will come out

Right or wrong. No man should ever raise his hand to a woman. Those are words from my Dad. I had several male friends over the years who were abusive. They are no longer my friends. Please ask you friend to seek counseling.

You may want to require her to get a restraining order if she plans to stay with you. At the very least, you need to speak with an attorny in your area about traspassing options you might have, even if she invites him to your house. Yes, a RO/protective order will help her in a divorce. Not necessarily to get more $ but if there are custody issues, if he didn't allow her to work, and it would be easier for her to get a permenant restraining order written intot he divorce if she already has a temp one. GOOD LUCK!

Alisande and Donna_Loomis are 100% right.

You have no idea how hard it is to leave an abusive man until you've been in that circumstance. Lack of self-esteem is one of the many reasons that women remain in these awful relationships.

Rose

Lydia...have her read all of this.
Let her know that there are others just like her,who have been thru "all of the EXACT same thing"...and I dont mean just the beating up.
Oh,he'll bawl and cry and carry on like an idiot,and he'll stalk her for a couple years,and the system will make her want to go back;for that matter,everything that she tries to do for the next couple of years will make her wish she had stayed.
Then,if she does,she'll be carried out in a body bag.
Tell her to get out...I did.

"I didn't mention the reason her husband hit her because I don't think it should matter. He has no right to hit her."
EXACTLY!!!

Many people have and many others will give their opinion. Just know for yourself, Lydia, and try to convince your friend THERE IS NO REASON, no justification whatsoever. There are no questions to be answered. There are no WHAT IFs to hypothesize. There is no scenario to understand. She is not a child to be punished, and he is not the boss of her.

I don't think people understand that the majority of women killed by their abusers, are killed while a protective order is in place. That's fact.

Abusers and abused are cyclical. He cries. She takes him back. Things are quiet for months at a time. Then, without warning, something sets him off. Usually, it has nothing to do with her.

He might have been dressed down at his job or gotten a speeding ticket. Who knows. But he comes home itching for a fight he can win. And the dance starts all over again.

Blaiming the abused is like saying it is your fault you were on the highway when that drunk driver swerved into your lane.

When a person is serious about leaving an abuser, they rent an apt., call a helpline, go to a shelter, etc. When they aren't serious, they 'stay' with a family member or friend. She should not be allowed to stay at anyone's house without calling police, shelter, or both FIRST. If she refuses to make the call, then you know she's just waiting till things quiet down, and should not be allowed to hole up at your house before returning. It's common for outsiders (including responding police) to get threatened, abused and killed just because they're trying to help. How will you feel if she goes back and gets killed or just gets badly beaten again? This jerk probably knows who and where you are. What will you do when he shows up at your place to get her? You've seen what he's capable of. Sorry, I'd be much meaner in this situation. I'm guessing that you're a very nice, sympathetic person. This person has to save her own life. Her husband beat her to a pulp and she's using her pets to make excuses. He didn't beat the animals up. He beat HER up. I would also recommend taking photos whether she likes it or not and emailing them to someone with a little description, so there's a record that can't be destroyed. These photos might also be useful in the future, in case she's returning to him. They can be a great reminder to her why she left. Linda

Let me clear up what I think some may have miss understood.I did not say that anything she may or may not have done gives him the right to hit her or "punish" her.No woman deserves to be knocked around no matter what.I was just saying that none of us,even her best friend,know what took place between the two of them because we were not there!
I agree with you Linda.

A woman should not hit a man for that matter. It works both ways.

Just be very careful how much you get involved and allow her to stay. Violence in not good, she should go to a shelter and get a good lawyer.

I agree with what has already been said. Some good advise.
But the bottom line is she has to make the first move. She
is very lucky to have you for a friend. My heart goes out
to her.

This jerk probably knows who and where you are. Yes, he knows. We've been friends with both of them for almost 20 years. The abuse is recent (they've been married about 25 years) and I imagine it will continue.

My friend asked to be taken back home to her husband. She did not file a report. If or when this happens again she will fill out a police report or she won't stay at my house. There's a battered woman shelter in my town and I will take her there. Maybe one of them can talk some sense into her.

Hi Lydia,

I don't think all states mandate that hospitals or physicians report on adult domestic abuse, but some do. I was wondering if she was truthful with the people who were trying to put her back together. Did anyone provide her with telephone numbers of helping agencies, or anything like that? Did anyone speak to her about the abuse? It's not unusual for abused women to want to "protect" their abusers, and abusive partners know how to play into that. I keep wondering how much she told them. Were you with her when she explained what happened?

Her husband seems to be following the predictable pattern of begging her to take him back ("poor me" "I just couldn't help it") and insisting it will never happen again. Truth be told, he probably has beaten her before, but she has kept it hidden. She may even think she "deserved" it.

Please be cautious as you try to help your friend. Her kids and that one "friend" sound like idiots. Nobody "deserves" to be beaten. Her husband sounds like a very violent and dangerous man who will see you as the enemy. You would be doing her a great favor by getting her lined up with a domestic abuse helpline that can guide her to the proper agencies. I would be very careful about trying to hold her hand through all of this because it puts you in danger. Domestic disputes are so dangerous for the police and everyone else who gets involved. Bless you for your compassion.

Just adding something for Lydia!
You be very careful!

Nikoleta, I was with her the entire time except when she was being x-rayed. She was very truthful..he hit me with his fist, he threw the cellphone at the back of my head, he kicked me in the tailbone. I almost felt like the hospital personal were trying to avoid the subject of abuse. The only person who said much of anything regarding the domestic violence was the man who checked her in..he encouraged her to file a report. She wanted to "think on it" first and of course the report was never filed. Nobody offered any support numbers or anything like that.

That is so true Toni! There is a situation in my family right now where that has happened several times,then she tells everyone that he hits her.Even goes to the extreme of bruising herself to make it look like something he did.And battered men react just like battered women when it comes to leaving or pressing charges or even going back because they feel sorry for her or the kids or the dog! So as I said before,there are many sides to every story.

Don't be angry with her, Lydia. The likelihood was that she would go back. I know you want her to be strong and stay away, but it's just not the way these incidents normally turn out. They almost always go back. If I recall right, one of the links says they go back as many as seven times or more. Try to be patient and understanding even though I know that is very difficult because it doesn't make sense to you and most people. You cannot put yourself in her shoes to gain understanding. That will never happen. You just have to accept this is the way it goes. I want so badly to agree with Linda's post but cannot be sure it is that cut and dry either. Nevertheless, I certainly do understand you have to do what is right to protect yourself and your own family. Just try not to be angry with her because that is judgmental also. Not at all easy, I know.

Since there doesn't appear to be an abuse pattern, I wouldn't think your friend is yet suffering from the low self esteem or even the 'I must have started it' syndrome that many abused woman feel. That's a chronic problem and almost becomes inbreed in chronically abused woman.

What it sounds like your friend is dealing with is more of a "crime of passion" type of abuse which can sometimes be even more dangerous than a chronic abuser. The violent outbursts can often act up for the first time during divorces proceedings too. Obviously, she probably did something wrong by carrying on with another man (and some could say she has even been emotionally abusing her husband by having this 'affair'), so she probably does feel some real guilt. Obviously nothing she could have done would ever give him the right to physically hurt her. But her guilt is real and NOT the same thing as a typical chronic abused woman who really doesn't do 'anything' wrong, but blames herself anyway. Your friend just has misplaced REAL guilt that needs to be directed and understood better. In other words, she needs to understand that two wrongs don't make a right.... Not think that her wrong caused his (which it probably did) so that his is jusitified. It doesn't make it justified no matter how wrong what she did was.

And this isn't about your friend's case.. but I would like to point out one thing that I don't think some here may realize, but there are abuse cases where women themselves do start the physical abuse. I know a girl who got very violent when she got drunk and would go at boyfriend's with knives and such. The guys were always the one's that got in trouble. I do understand that women should never be hit for any reason, but please understand that women are not always the only victim in abuse cases. They are capable of starting physical fights too; I think that may be what some mean when they say you may not know the whole story, or that there are always two sides. Of course there's no reason to ever hit anyone... but have you ever had to get away from someone trying to kill you? Abuse can go both ways -- and sometimes there really is another side.

I would hope that every state in America would have a domestic abuse counselling line, be it at the local, county or state level. There are other options available to the victim, but most police or counsellors don't offer them to you unless you ask or dream them up yourself. You can appear in front of a judge and ask the judge to remand him to anger counselling, substance abuse counselling, psychotherapy, etc. A good counsellor (usually free from the local hotline) is all you need to get you what you want. Deciding exactly what you want is the hard part...for you sure are gonna leave your life as you know it behind if you physically leave.
Until someone you trust and love, physically overpowers you, you have no idea what it is like. None. Even if you think you cannot stand that person and you don't care about them, the minute they put their hands on you in a mean manner, it all changes. Your heart will never be the same.

Just rembember that until she is ready to leave she will stay...she will find alllll kinds of excuses..she deserves it, she shouldn't have done this she shouldn't have done thath she should stay for the kids...as I have learned from Kasey until she herself has had enough....there is nothing you can do but be there for her....STacy