Oh my, someone should take those guys and just smack them hard--kk, i-chic are you reading this? kitchenkelly has some morgue drawers for stashing the bodies temporarily....

You poor thing. There really is no excuse for such rude and just plain insensitive behavior. We were very lucky with most of the guys working on our job, and had no qualms about leaving them here alone (with our 2 indoor cats locked up at one end of the house). DH managed to either work from home, or took days off when some of the others were working here, so that helped.

If yelling and screaming at your kids is not a normal (read daily) occurrence, and it doesn't sound like it is, I think the boys will get over it, and forget all about mommy's little blow-up fairly quickly. Kids tend to pretty resilient. You were reacting to the (inexcusable) situation around you. It happens, and it seems like you will make every effort to avoid it in the future. Please don't beat yourself up about it.

As for those jerks--you've made sure the one guy will not be working in your home again--good. Maybe your DH can talk with the others on the project and help to keep them in line so to speak. I know there were times when I made my DH bring things up with some of the guys; in order to have that guy-to-guy vibe, so that it wouldn't always be me bringing things up, or pointing out mistakes. Sometimes guys just react to or respond better to certain comments when presented by another guy (shouldn't be so, but it's a fact). This way you aren't stuck always being the "bad guy" or the picky, nagging, housewife (which is often the label we're given, justified or not).

Good luck to you. You have every right to vent and you've come to just the right place for it, too. (((hug)))

Oh, that is terrible. I don't know what to say. (Feel free to use the morgue drawers.) I was pretty lucky with my GC and subs - nothing close to your situation. Plus no children to help through all the disruption either. Hopefully your GC will try to make sure that things go better from now on. (I assume that he depends on references.)

With that said, I did have highs and lows and was confined to one bedroom for five months. Broke down a few times. I just kept telling myself it will be over soon, it will be over soon. (Which was a lie because it took forever.) I don't remember where you live but hopefully you can spend time outside and get away from the mess and breathe. Deep breaths.

Also, I think that in every project there will always be problems so remember that you are not alone. And good grief - I think you have had enough issues so maybe the worst is behind you.

Wishing you smooth sailing and hammering and drywalling and plumbing for the rest of your project. Remember those deep breaths and that your home will be beautiful when it is all said and done.

Firstly, I'm so proud of the way you handled the electrician! Excellent job! I probably would have just taken out my anger at my kids, and then cried each time I saw the electrician coming. Seriously! You did good, mom!

My boys are 6 and almost-4. They have definitely felt my remodeling frustrations over the past 2 years (husband is gone all day, until late in the evening, so I can't yell at him). Like you, I hate myself when I take it out on them. And I've done it a lot more than once! I have to make a constant effort to not take it out on them. My matra is, "just shut up." So, when I'm mad and I want to scream at them, I seal my lips shut, and tell myself "just shut up, just shut up, just shut up." Often, I will give myself a time out (harder to do with your little one scooting about). If I can lock myself in a room for 10 minutes and scream into my pillow, it really helps. Of course, they are ususally banging on the door yelling, "Mama, come out!" Whew! I feel tense just thinking about it.

My worst days have been the ones where I am home (b/c I need to supervise) with my 3 year old. I am trying to amuse him, keep him out of the workers way (we have a small house), keep him FED (without going in the kitchen). It may sound silly to someone without kids, but it is very, very stressful! It's like being home with a ticking time bomb, and trying to difuse it for hours and hours. On days like that, a "serving" of kava is helpful (kava is an herb that promostes relaxation. You can buy it in a yucky tea form, but I prefer the pills! It works almost as well as valium...).

Soooooo, my best techniques for dealing with lousy weeks:
1. Kava
2. Perspective. This one has kept me sane for 2 years. Of my group of real life friends, I am the only one with the luxury of a redone kitchen. Lots of them have 20 year old decrepit kitchens. I am so lucky! I keep reminding myself of this. I don't talk about my kitchen much with any of them. The other "perspective" comes from thinking about the "real" problems in the world. A few weeks ago, someone posted a link here to a blog for that 8 year old girl, Jaiden Tlapa who was in the snowblower accident. I have no connection to that girl. I am not a religious a person, so I cannot join the prayer groups for her. But I check her blog almost every day. When I am upset with contractors, I remind myself that Jaiden's parents just want their daughter to open her eyes again. When I am losing it with my boys, I think about Jaiden. I think about her a lot...

You sound like an amazing mother and person. You have handled house issues like a stong grownup. You aren't going to be pushed around. You feel terrible for one blowup at your kids, when most of us probably blow up frequently. Don't worry that you have permanently damaged them. Luckily, we can blow up about a hundred times before age 5. They don't remember much of it (I know--because I have asked my older son...) Instead of wallowing in the guilt, remember that guilt and bad feelings are useful tools: they teach us right from wrong, and they will remind you to do better next time. You can't take back the past, but you can learn from it. If you lose your temper with your kids, tell them and yourself: "Today I did not do so well. Tomorrow I WILL do better." That is an important lesson for them to learn as well.

And always vent here! Because we can relate!

:-)

Francy

Been there, done that...more than once! :>)

I'm not sure of the exact reason we take it out on our loved ones. Some would say because subconsciously you know it's safe. You can lose it, and they will still love you. I know we don't think of that in the moment, but maybe that's why they get the brunt of it, and not the real culprits.

My kids have grown up and left home (so part of me feels a little guilty that they won't really be able to enjoy/benefit from the renos- do us Moms EVER stop feeling guilt?), so my DH is the focus of my frustration and YES sometimes RAGE. For me, exercise is the only thing guaranteed to smooth out the hormones/nerves whatever. Even if I should be doing house stuff, if I'm on the warpath, I know I'd better head out to the pool or at least go for a vigorous walk or perhaps even gorilla house cleaning with loud energetic music to get me moving!

The blow-up seems to have really upset you, if you want to avoid getting to that point again, best advice I can offer is to learn to recognize the triggers, and when you can feel you're beginning to get upset, deal with it then. As my DD used to tell me when she was little, Mom you don't want to go all the way to the top of Anger Mountain (they learned that at school- I thought it was a really valuable life lesson).

Remember to take care of yourself as well as you can. And we're here to listen if you need to vent again. Hope you have some FUN this weekend.

I freely admit that I haven't shared the same challenges you are since my DD is at school in the day and we haven't had to deal with subs, but ... remodeling is remodeling, yanno? I adore my builders but they NEVER remember to shut the back gate - we have a dog. Even his colleague reminds him to shut the gate and he forgets! I don't know what that blind spot is, since his mom was a dog BREEDER (hmm... maybe that's the reason - Freudian resentment?!)

Anyway, I think we've all had days from hell living through this process, if only because the lack of freedom and privacy does insidious things to our equilibrium!

Things that helped us:

- I try to be there every day when they leave so we can debrief for the following day. That means that even if I'm not there when they arrive, I've already "put down a marker". It's not always possible, but it did seem to help things run smoother. Also, I was blessed in having a GC who does things by email, so I could send stuff overnight ("I noticed [X] - what's happening with that?" or whatever); you may not have that option, but if so... definitely worth using.

- if I could'nt be there first thing, I left notes in really REALLY unavoidable places. Like, they couldn't get at their toolbag without moving it, or right on top of where they were going to work, or ACROSS the door so they would have to tear it to get in. Subtlety doesn't seem to be one of the bywords of the construction industry, so I fought fire with fire ;) Hell, if need be, hide their toolbox!

- You're human. Your kids will be fine. They are clearly well-loved children and I'm sure will weather one day of Maxed Out Mommy during the remodeling. We all feel wracked with guilt when we lose our temper with them, but that's life, you know? I'm sure it will not be the last time no matter how much you want it to be (hey, you've got those teen years to get through!), and I'm sure they will encounter socccer coaches, teachers, and bosses who are far less considerate of their feelings than you are! I think it's a life skill to learn how to cope with it; we all have to learn that sometimes people get mad even if they're not mad AT US. (Note I am NOT condoning taking out one's frustrations on one's kids, just acknowledging that it happens whether we want it to or not!). Your kids are young so it's harder to "explain" to them, but because they're younger they're not that likely to remember it. It'll be fine.

- Keep the cats in the closed off bedroom or, even though you know they want the sun, downstairs in the basement where they're safe. Put yellow tape across the doors if necessary with large scary pictures of "Beware Of The Cat" or SOMETHING that will get their attention (landmines? Bowl of water balanced on the door?!?). The cats will survive a couple of snoozing-in-the-sun days better than they will if they get out and lost. Think of it as protection rather than restriction :)

- go OUT whenever you can. When your hubby gets home, hand the kids off and go sit in Barnes and Noble, or walk around a dress shop, or exercise, or have wine with a girlfriend or whatever floats your boat. An evening AWAY will do wonders for your sense of being able to cope! Also, take the kids and GO whenever you can - park, library, whatever. Get them somewhere they can hang out without worrying about dust and construction mess. Good for you, too.

Most importantly, try to keep the perspective and accept that it's going to be WORSE than you ever imagined. My husband has been amazed at how calmly I've dealt with the hiccups doing this project - part of it was because we have very easy-to-live-with builders, but also it's because everybody told me how HORRENDOUS it would be. The reality has been so much LESS bad than I imagined that I've just kind of dealt with it (more or less - there have, of course, been some days where I just wanted to sit in the middle of the floor and cry!).

Hang in there - try to keep your sense of humour as much as you can and hopefully that will make it seem less daunting! After all, it's a kitchen - not brain surgery, a death in the family or a traffic accident. Remodeling isn't fun, but at the end of it you'll have the kitchen you wanted AND your life back!

What do you do when it's the people you love most in the world who are the ones holding that final straw?

What you do is admit you're human, and flawed, and do exactly what you did, which is model for your children how to apologize, and discuss better ways to handle rough emotions, and turn your lapse into a good lesson. How are they going to cope in the world if they don't learn how to forgive people? Especially, how to forgive someone they love as much as Mommy? I bet by the end they were more interested in comforting you than they were upset by the yelling.

In all of this very difficult, very frustrating time, you've done very well for yourself. It is not your job to be telling the plumbers what to do. That's what the GC is for! But you took care of it, and the insurance, and cooked that nasty electrician and got a good result from his boss. You're doing what you need to do under huge amounts of stress and if you broke down for an instant, you handled that well too.

Now what you need to do is forgive yourself. You made a mistake, you apologized for it, you used it as a teaching example, and now you have to opportunity to model for your children that it's okay to move on from one's mistakes once one has done everything one can to repair them.

If your husband doesn't understand venting, can he relate to spa day?

rmkitchen- You poor thing - now that's a bad week! I can so relate- I just had the worst 2 years of bad luck, between selling and buying a house and mountains of other bumps in the road with renovations- I won't bore you with all the details- but I am with Francy. I head for a glass of wine (after the kids go to bed) and then I just put it all in perspective. I work in healthcare and I see tradgedies every day- it makes my renovation problems seem so small. Oh- and I have to say- you handled that contractor with a lot of class- I would have been like "are you bleeping kidding me dude?" And maybe a few other bleeps-I have no filter on my mouth :)

RMKitchen - How I can relate (to the kid part of it)! My remodel only involves the kitchen and really has gone rather smoothly, but even so, it is stressful. We "only" lost the dog once (right at the beginning - the guys learned REALLY QUICKLY to shut the gate), and the kids (3, 5 and 7) have handled it relatively well.

These contractors have thus far been pretty insensitive, and it sounds like you need to have a heart-to-heart with your GC and lay down some absolute ground rules (doors CLOSED, CALL if you or subs are going to be over 1/2 hour late, under no circumstances are you to be interrupted b/w 1 and 2, only use the porta potty, no smoking at the jobsite - okay, I may be the only one that cares about that, but it's a big deal for me, if your kids nap then have a rule about the loudness of music...)

In my situation, it seems the kids ALWAYS want to talk to me right when I am dealing with an issue with the contractors. ALWAYS. It drives me batty. I do not think I am a "yeller" - in fact my DH thinks I am too lenient with the kids (I don't agree, but that's another issue!!), but when the kids are being blatantly rude and I am trying to resolve an issue quickly and they are repeating, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy" over and over and over again so I can't even ignore it, I can feel the steam rising.

Of course stuff like this crops up even when we are not in the middle of a remodel...the 3 and 5 year old gang up on the 7 year old, or the 7 year old pesters the 2 younger girls and they start screaming (those high pitched, girl screams that can make your hair stand right up on end)...STUFF happens and there will be many days, even if you are a laid back, patient person, when things conspire to put you in a testy mood and the last straw will come at the end of the day with the kids.

It definitely seems to be worse as the kids have gotten older. Lovely and loving though they are, it is HARD being a parent. And it is HARD dealing with a remodel.

Give yourself a break. You have beaten yourself up enough about it. I think you have been way too hard on yourself. As the others have said, now that this has happened, you will do your darndest to prevent a repeat performance in the future. Your kids will learn lessons from this as well - good lessons - and you will probably be tougher on the contractors (which is a good thing).

Things hopefully will get better too, as the project progresses and the contractors and subs get to know you.

GOOD LUCK! Give your kids a huge hug and tell them that the remodel sometimes might be hard for you and every now and then you might seem upset or mad - that sometimes even Mommies and Daddies need to take a deep breath and that you are sorry in advance if you get irritated. You will try your hardest and no matter what you love them with your whole heart.

Living with the remodel may be hard, but it will be fun too - my kids (even my 3 yo) have enjoyed watching all the neat progress and seeing the cool tools - and when it is done the house will be so much better for you to use. I told my kids that I appreciated their help and cooperation during the remodel, and it seems to make them feel involved. I ask their opinions about the progress - or what I should do - and even if I don't take it, they seem to respond better feeling invested in the outcome (even at their young ages).

Again, good luck. You sound like an amazing, loving mother!!!

I am sorry that you have to always be the competent partner, the one to deal with these jerks. You handled the bathroom jerk perfectly. That smirky sob. I would have liked to have grabbed him by the sleeve and pulled him into the bathroom, handed him paper towels and spray cleaner and an empty plastic bag. After he cleaned up his mess, I would have forced him to take the dirty paper towels, now ensconced in the plastic bag and either put them in his lunch box or his truck. Oh, I would have sweetly and innocently called his work buddies into the bathroom to show them the mess the pig made. Sweetly, "advice, please, what would you fellas do if this was your house?" This pig obviously hates women. We should clean their toilet messes?
Re emotionally vacant spouses, it is not cultural. I have one and there is no cultural difference. My private nickname is 'ez' for emotional zero. It is too bad that you have to be the strong one and the bad guy. Excuse my french, but someone has to have the b-lls in the family, and, clearly, it's you. It is easier to cop out and be distant than participate, but the price for that behavior is high. No way is it cultural. Lack of character, weakness, passive-aggressive, but not inherent in any particular culture.

You're kids will be fine, absolutely. You are under incredible stress, with a lot of responsibility.
In addition to the other fine suggestions, just pretend you are a single by choice mother, and a single by choice Super Super General Contractor, put your emotions away, use your adult ego state (hush up little kid) and continue to do the fine job you have been doing.
Most of these guys are jerks. The porta-potty decider is a good guy. You are not the jerk. I did rant b/c I envisioned myself and other able women in these abusive situations.
Bev

((((rmkitchen))))) I don't even know you and I'm aching for you. I am so sorry to read your travails and hope things improve and FAST. You will deserve a HUGE time to yourself at some point very soon when you can be spared for a while.

Lock the bathroom door. The workers have no business using it. I have tons of workers in and out of my house and they NEVER ask to use the bathroom. That's what trees and fastfood restaurants are for.

Call the supervisor of anybody really crass. Money talks and you can take yours elsewhere. I had a man spit on my subfloor, and he got a talking to.

No, I wouldn't expect workers to close your door, any more than you think 2 year olds would. They're one in the same, so treat them that way. Put the cats in the basement or a locked room.

Chocolate, in large quantities and often. Then go exercise to burn it off. Yelled at the kids? Hug, apologize, and watch a movie or do something pleasant together. We all mess up. They'll bounce back and they'll see how intelligent, mature, caring adults handle their problems. You can do this! :)

Oh my heart goes out to you. You did absolutely handle the sub in the right way, and I am glad he is banned (though sorry you had to deal with it in the first place).

Hugs, screams into pillows, and escaping the house are all great strategies. If you have friends who you can visit with, with your kids, that can be a nice thing as well. We are here pulling for you!

rmkitchen, you MUST MUST MUST see today's For Better or for Worse Sunday comic strip.

Not to make light of the miserable week you've had, but it DOES help to know we're not alone and that this is terribly universal....!

In reference to one aspect of your not being alone: may I just add this morning: I *hate* the health insurance/illness exploitation industry. I don't know how they sleep at night. My DD from a young age got to know that the *one* thing that could push Mommy over the edge into ANGER was having to deal with the greed, deceit, and conniving officiousness of "United Healthcare". Thank *GOD* we don't use them anymore.

WOW!

From the bottom of my heart Thank You Thank You Thank You all! I loved and greatly appreciated the hugs and support, commiseration and encomium. I guess it's true: misery loves company! Although I am so sorry anyone has to feel stress during what should be an exciting, wonderful time. (Guess this applies to both remodeling as well as child-rearing, although it's laughable to think either could be without stress! Thats why two of my favorite parenting books are The B**ch in the House and Mothers Who Think.)

You know the way the child of an alcoholic might be reluctant to ever drink for fear of turning into their parent? For me, that's the way I feel about yelling. My mother was mean as spit and her yelling was ugly, personal, belittling and usually segued into hitting.

I'm sure this is why my yelling at my children rattled me so. I waited a long time to start my family (I was 34 when I had my first) so that I could go through therapy to ensure I did not turn into my mother. (I think this is common here in the States, not wanting to turn into our parents!)

So more than you know, I sincerely, deeply appreciate the comments of telling me I handled it well and that I'm a good mother and haven't scarred my children for life. That's my biggest fear -- I mean, I am terrified of heights, but the fear of hurting my children paralyzes me.

Yesterday (day after yelling) my 3.5 year-old and I attended a birthday party, dressed, at his urging (this was not a costume party), as Spiderman and Spidermom. He wanted everyone to know "we're superheroes together!" After we got home, my 19 month-old asked me for a "tickle-cuddle," so I guess they've both forgiven me as well as moved past it. Kids are more resilient than I give them credit for.

Phew!

hilltophome, I think you are right, that I need to just put the cats in the basement (where we hang out lots so they won't be without human companionship) because their long-term well-being is much more important than their short-term sun-worshiping. And with a wonderful user name like cat_mom, I bet she'll agree!

kitchenkelly, thank you for the use of your morgue drawers! Even though I have a foul mouth and talk a big talk, I'm a pacifist, so I'm really hopeful I won't borrow them. But it'll make an excellent threat to the next jerk who crosses my path!

(re: my foul mouth: The night of the dirty bathroom, my 3.5 year-old asked his daddy "Why's Dux [his name for me] 'so f***ing angry?'" Ahem.)

Francy, thank you both for letting me know you've walked in my shoes as well as saying I handled it well! Coming from you, who has such a sweet presence here on GW, means a lot.

raehelen and hilltophome, thank you for reminding me of two of my favorite self-soothers: chocolate and exercise. I really do need to just put the kiddos in the buggy and go out for a walk! Fresh air can do wonders. And if there's a chocolate treat for the three of us to have midway on our walk, all the better. (This is how I know the boys are genetically mine: they both love chocolate. One of my proudest achievements Â.)

divamum, thank you for your impeccable list of daily to-dos and reminder of how hard this is supposed to be .... I'd really thought I was prepared after months of reading (hardships) here on GW, but clearly for some of it I was not. Need to renew my prescription for Perfect Pills! (note to self: first discover "Perfect Pills")

plllog, thank you for telling me to forgive myself. Sometimes that can be the hardest thing for us to do, no? I remember a few years ago a casual acquaintance and I were chatting about how we never, ever heard our parents apologize to us when they were wrong, and how much it would have meant to us to have heard it. Not just because it would have made us feel appreciated but also because it would have been a great model for us in terms of how to behave. Thank you. And I loved your note about my husband relating to spa day! Now there's a brilliant idea. ....

polly929, my hero! I am so sorry about the past two years -- hopefully this leap year will signal the start of something good for you. Bless your heart for working in healthcare (what you must see ...) and having no foul-language filter -- love it!

socalthreems, I have loved following your kitchen and I am grateful for your nice note. I am with you on the no-smoking! And thank you for suggesting those ground rules. They are superb and have already (because of your suggestion) been passed on to the GC. Also, thank you for your perfect description of "feel[ing] the steam rising." That's it! But it seems like lots of the parents with whom I casually chat 'round here are either big-time prevaricators or Stepford Mommies; they absolutely deny getting frustrated with their kiddos (or occasionally bored with hanging out with toddlers all day long). That's when I wonder what in the hell must be wrong with me to feel this way? Many thanks to you and Francy for telling me I'm not alone.

westsider40, from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry about ez (which could not be more apt a description!). I guess it's just easy for me to chalk it up to cultural differences, but I guess some people are just born that way. One silver lining for me is that living with my ez has made me so much stronger, forceful than I ever thought I could be. Because of dealing with his non-presence in many areas I've found a voice (okay, a yelling voice the other day!). I would rather he step up to bat every so often, but I do like the feeling of the empowerment I've developed while living with him.

flyleft and mommycooks, thank you for your generous, unconditional support! Such kindness from people I donÂt even know. You and your notes are what should be in one of those MasterCard "Priceless" commercials! And, flyleft, the insurance with which I'm having trouble is ... United! Imagine that. I am so ticked about this, that medical insurance agencies are for-profit entities, and that now many of them are transferring their call centers off-shore, to minimize what they have to pay (US taxes, US salaries, US health care to their workers, etc.)! I guess I may be one of the stupidest people alive because for the life of me I still cannot understand why denying people legitimate, preventive / proactive healthcare is not as good as letting them get sick, suffer and / or die, or making them wait so that the treatment they will require ends up costing the insurance company even more. Seriously, what am I not getting?

You all are amazing. IÂll never forget this.

We are also in the middle of a huge remodeling project and living in it. Anytime you can microwave from the bed you know you are about at rock bottom.

Ha!!! I feel your pain, and have not even started our kitchen reno yet. We've started updating the kids bedrooms and bath so they will be comfortable during the bigger demo.

So, my cat has wandered out a rudely left-open door too!! When I have someone doing work in/ outside the house, I have to sit all day and make sure nothing is left open or disturbed. What the heck is wrong with some of these workers? They taped plastic over all of my windows and doors because we are patching the stucco after installing new ones. The guy never told us the process was going to take a flippen week!! I have two chihuahuas that need to go outside a few times a day, and 2 large dogs that live outside-- but I still need to feed them and check on them. So, when the workers left, I had to cut through the plastic. THEN, they use my trash can to put all of their debris in!! I have 3 children to cook for, and no trash can to throw the kitchen trash in? There's more, but I'm getting too fired up thinking about it. Hopefully they finish the job tomorrow!

Another guy doing work inside the house called one morning saying he was coming to do some work "today"--- he didn't show up until 7pm!!!!! On a school night. So, we had him do the work then said buh-bye and will find someone else to do the rest. I love how it seems like we have to beg people to come do work for us..... and it's not like we aren't paying them!!!!!

BTW, I have a foul mouth story too- I was driving through a parking lot and I was really frustrated with another driver. My then 3 year old yells from his car seat, "stop b*tch!". OOOPS!!!

RMKitchen - see - I knew you were a total sweetheart from the start - writing such a detailed, thoughtful response to all of us during your very rare free time from children and remodeling! Above and beyond!

As for admitting my parenting flaws, I think that comes from going to my monthly parenting class where we (4 moms) admit all the down and dirty to our parenting educator who then tries to set us straight (and so often the advice is to just laugh at yourself - or give yourself a time out!). Usually it is to (a) take yourself OUT of the equation if it is sibling tension, and (b) begin every sentence with "be that as it may..." As in "Be that as it may, you may not cut your sister's hair like the (horrible) Bratz doll you saw in the ToysRUs catalog," or "Be that as it may, WE do not play American Gladiators (that your Dad let you watch!) in the house with your 3 year old sister."

Good luck! In some ways I've found my "steam" less kid-focused during the remodel...maybe because I've found another target???? LOL! I can't wait to see progress pics!