Well what a great report from you, pitimpinai!! The last I heard you were still very low in energy and still on a ton of medication and little appetite, and listen to you, helping the neighbor till up a lawn! LOL What a nice neighbor you were to plant tomatoes and Dahlias. :-) I am happy to hear that you've also benefited from a shorter work day. Great that you had all that time off saved up. I bet you really needed it to get your energy back. We have gotten pretty much back to what is normal for us here. The weather has been stupendous in the past month! I have never seen the cover crop in the veggie beds so high. We've also gotten all the leaves mowed and collected in bins, ours and three neighbors. [g] We have gotten somewhat cleaned up for the year in the garden, but I keep adding to my list of what I want to get done before the weather turns. Still have a small amount of bulbs to plant and three shrubs to get in the ground, some pots to clean and put away and that will just about do it. I am actually looking forward to a break from the garden. Not that we don't get outside and enjoy it, but it's nice this time of year, to focus on other things. During the gardening season, the garden seems to push out other priorities. [g] I enjoy the winter garden and by the time spring comes, I am just itching to get back to a new growing season. Glad you are able to enjoy gardening again and hope you stay well this winter! :-)

I just read this post and wanted to respond. I was interested in the responses that you recieved V. Some were helpful. I have a few thoughts on this subject as well. I found it amazing that someone would have the guts to post that if you can't feed them don't breed them. As if by asking the question about how to prepare for the future, you are not doing your duty. It sounds like you are doing a great job feeding them, if you will, and are now looking toward the future. Good for you. I also found it interesting that the debate came down to a pick one scenario for everyone who did respond. You are crazy to pay for their college and not take care of yourself or you are selfish to take care of your retirement and not help your kids. I put forth that you have set two goals and want to know how to make both of those goals work. Without knowing more about your financial situation, no one can tell you how to do this or if it's possible. What I will tell you is about myself. I am a stay at home mother of three. My husband is ten years older than I am. He wants to retire in his early 60's (62 at the latest). Our children will just be going to college at about the time he wants to retire. I want to pay for college for my children. These are both valid goals. We gathered all of our information together and went and paid 400$ to a financial planner. It was the BEST thing we ever did. We are not rich. But we thought it was well worth the money to have someone help us look at our overall financial well being and help us draw some basic predictions (conservative predicitons) towards the future. He looked at our insurance and our finances. We found out we probably needed more disability insurance, if something were to happen to my husband, there is no way we could have held on to the house and made things work, even if I went back to work. We found out that we were doing fine with retirement and needed to think about college funds. I have the peace of mind now, knowing that if my husband were to die or get injured we could keep the house, maintain our style of living and be OK. And I won't have to go to work. That is important to us. We can retire in our 60s but it will most likely be age 65 (instead of 62) and pay most of our kids college expensis. I would strongly suggest that you think about going to a financial planner. Pick one wisely but know that they are worth the money in my book. Some things to think about- you can save for the local state university and your child will end up in Harvard. Then what? For us, we decided to save as much as we could towards helping our children get a basic four year degree. If we have enough to pay for their college, great. If they go to Harvard, Yale etc- high expensis, they will have to work and get student loans and scholarships. Or you will save for college and they won't go to college. Then what? This is one reason we have not put anything in their name that will equal a large chunk of money that will be theirs at age 18. Although they are adults at age 18, we know that they are still young and still lack the in depth decision makign skills they might need. We would hate to see our money spent on a nice car at the expense of college. The choice will be theirs at that time. What college to go to? How to help pay for it- live at home, work, not go? They will be well on their way to adult hood and able to make decisions that impact their future. Even now, our children are encouraged to save for college. (ages 4,2,5 months). We take any gift money sent to them and put it in the bank in their name. We give them a small allowance and help them split it up to tithing, spending, savings (my 2 and 5 months old don't get it yet, but they will). We are setting a policy now that any money they get in gifts at least 1/2 will go to the bank. This will be their money towards college and other expensis they may have as they grow and leave home. (Down payment on a home? Down payment on an appt? Down payment on a car? college?) The other thing we did- we took all of our money (except for a little bit) and put it in our accounts. We have not seperated out college vs retirement vs a big wedding. We figure it is all ours and if something comes up that we have to spend it, we want to be able to do so with out feeling like we are spending our childrens' money. WE earned it and we want to use it the best way we need to at any given time. You just never know what will come up (accident, job loss, etc.)... So it's in one big pot with our name on it (except for a very little bit). Closer to college time we will sit down and figure out where we stand- how much we have total, how much we can help each child out with college, how much we need for retirement etc. Then we will help our children. It is my belief that we had these children and along the lines of if you can't feed them don't breed them- we want to help them along in their adult hood the best we can. It seems a shame to force them to take on student loans when we will hopefully be in a position to help them if not pay for their college totally. I have some personal reasons for wanting to help my children through college based on my history. But there you have it. On the flip side though, we do not want to hurt our retirement or not retire to help our children. As someone posted earlier- $30,000 at age 30 is easier to pay off in the long run than the same debt at age 60 on a fixed income. I maintain that there is probably a fine line between these two goals that you can walk. I would put forth that with some research and budgeting, most families can be in the position we are now in. It's not ideal- we scrimp a bit and we don't do everything (many) of the things I'd like to do (like move to a huge house, go on more vacations, fly etc). But I feel good about where we stand. We know we can take care of ourselves and our children now and for many years to come. We know we can retire and help our kids through college. A 529 is a great option. We have one for each child. There are other options- roth iras, coverdale ira, schwab accounts, drips, etc. You get the idea. This is one reason we went to a financial planner. He helped us untangle the information and then backed off and let us make the decisions that we felt were best. Good Luck. Ginger

So happy for you judithn...took me back to when my kids were in college in our city, but living on campus. Sounds like a great conversation, and something she needed to hear, and you were able to do it in such a way that she really listened, and matured enough to apologize. You obviously have a great daughter, there, and now you have practice for when your son leaves home...heh heh!! We Moms have to support one another...our kids are in their early 40's, so a lot of this type of thing is behind us, but there are always things to work out. We do have very thoughtful children now...they just weren't so much at your daughter's age!!

One caveat, before I say anything else--I'm assuming that neither child was physically abusive to the other (and yes, abuse can go both ways, I've seen it happen). Abuse is a whole different situation. I'm going to go on the premise that they had a relationship, it didn't work for some ordinary reason and they went their separate ways--leaving, as usual, some hurt feelings (but not hurt bodies) behind. So you're saying your husband WANTS them back together, right? Okay, I know that's NOT what you're saying, but your husband must have the mentality of a 6 year old if he doesn't understand that the when you tell a 'just barely adult' NOT to do something, they'll fight tooth and nail TO do it, just to establish their independence. So if he keeps up his childish behavior, she's likely to get back with this guy--even if she isn't that thrilled with the idea--just to prove to her father than she can. And it will be on Dad's head, in that case. I don't think honorably, or dishonorably really enters into this--kids are kids--their relationships are (should be) practice ones at this point. They're not supposed to last, But they are supposed to be learning experiences. Even if she decides to get back with him, so what? She will learn more from the experience. Maybe she'll learn how mature adults manage to work through differences--that's a very good thing. Maybe she'll remember why they split up in the first place and learn that it's never wise to repeat a mistake in the future. Either way it's a step along the road to adulthood Guess your husband would be really frustrated with my dd--she has ongoing friendships with MOST of the guys she'd dated in the past. I'm very proud that she's mature enough to be able to make them work. Honestly, having been in that situation as a parent, I'm at a loss to really understand what your husband thinks he has to gain by being angry at your daughter. What should you do? Let your child manage her own social life. If we never let them make mistakes, they never learn how to fix or avoid them in the future. And you probably should have a long, long talk with your husband, reminding him how, as an older teen, when told not to do something, he no doubt rebelled and did it anyway. As the mother of a much older (29 yo) daughter, I can assure you the fastest way to get them to drop an undesireable partner is to step back and say nothing. The more you complain, the more you let them know you disapprove the more determined they are to hang onto a bad relationship, even after they've decided it was going nowhere. Your husband needs to get his act together, and soon, or he's going to alienate your daughter to the point where it may be difficult or impossible to repair the relationship. Good luck.