It was perhaps comforting for them to see you cared so much. I'd rather a blithering, weepy neighbor than someone composed but detached. This is indeed very sad. Saying prayers for them.

Oh, and yes, I embarrassed myself at a going away party for my beloved neighbor who was moving cross country. The attendees were taking turns saying how much they valued her friendship & relating funny anecdotes (the others were her best pals). When it came to my turn, I broke down & wept. She had lots of great friends in her social circle, but she was one of only two close friends in mine. I don't think she realized how much I liked her. I can still see the others sitting there, mouths agape, slightly shocked & not knowing what to say.

Yes, I've done this. My former boss, lost his daughter to a brain embolism. She was just 18, and a freshman at college. She was an incredibly beautiful, talented young woman and I was close with her parents.

I stopped by their house with a miniature rose bush and a card and when his wife answered the door, I just burst into tears. She had been crying too, so we both stood there crying and hugging one another. I wasn't sure she recognized me (I'd moved out of town a couple years before and was visiting my mom that weekend) but I later learned that she knew who I was and was very touched by my outburst.

I was very embarrassed at the time, but when I heard that she'd been comforted, in a weird way, by my tears, I felt better.

So sorry to hear of your neighbors tragedy. Sending virtual hugs their way.

Jen,

I don't normally post but I just wanted to respond on one aspect of your grief.

Please be gentle on yourself and realize that the deep grief you are feeling for this child and family tie in directly to the grieving you are still doing for your family members. It is one of the things most people do not talk about or even realize. When you come in contact with a situation which brings you back to that depth of pain, it is unsettling to say the least.

I am unable to advise you as to attending the funeral however, please know that there will be plenty of opportunities to show your support to the family at later dates. It is after the funeral when everyone has gone back home and on with their lives that is the hardest for most parents - and for anyone who has lost a loved one as you are now experiencing.

Please know that by healing yourself, you heal others.

Oh, (((((Stinky)))))! What a heartbreaking event. I am so very sorry. I think that everything you've done is absolutely lovely, even though you might have found your crying embarrassing. I agree with awm03 that it demonstrated to the parents how deeply you felt their loss. You have such a sweet heart.

You don't have to be a "tower of strength" you just have to be there for them to know of your support. It is sad, and nothing will change that. But your sharing in their grief is supportive.

Yes, the grief you feel and expressed is deeply appreciated by the family although they may never show it. But expressing your emotions isn't wrong, that's a part of our culture gone haywire that says hold it in.
We are created as emotional creatures,
they may never appreciate the cookies either, the effort you went to or the depth of feeling behind them. But it was also cathartic for you and for whatever you have experienced that needs expressing.

Yes Stinky, I have done the same. I agree with Suero. It shows you share their grief. I don't have an answer for attending the funeral either. If you feel you can't "hold yourself together" you might do as others suggested and show your support at another time. You could even go by the funeral parlor and sign the book, to let them know you are with them in spirit. Attending a child's funeral is heart-breaking. I have only been to one, but the sight of that tiny casket is enough to cause the strongest to break into tears.

I am so sorry for your neighbors and sorry for the grief you all are feeling. Honestly, how could anyone NOT mourn the loss of a child?!

tina

I have to agree with what's been said, you are very considerate to worry about how they reacted to you but don't be so hard on yourself. Grieving a life that's been lost isn't just for the family experiencing that loss. I'm sure it's comforting for his family to see the way he touched others so dearly as well. It's just so so sad.

Although you are embarrassed, you did nothing wrong or inappropriate or even hurtful. You expressed a deep emotion. Go to the funeral and honor this child and his parents. If you are again overcome with emotion at the funeral, I doubt you will be the only one.

Jen,

I don't normally post but I just wanted to respond on one aspect of your grief.

Please be gentle on yourself and realize that the deep grief you are feeling for this child and family tie in directly to the grieving you are still doing for your family members. It is one of the things most people do not talk about or even realize. When you come in contact with a situation which brings you back to that depth of pain, it is unsettling to say the least.

I am unable to advise you as to attending the funeral however, please know that there will be plenty of opportunities to show your support to the family at later dates. It is after the funeral when everyone has gone back home and on with their lives that is the hardest for most parents - and for anyone who has lost a loved one as you are now experiencing.

Please know that by healing yourself, you heal others.

I so appreciate the insight and support. Thanks too, for kindly sending all the good thoughts, prayers and hugs for my neighbors!

Awm03- Thanks for your kind words, your personal story and your prayers.

Pesky- Thanks for sharing your experience and sensitive feedback, and for sending hugs!

Cth- I have no doubt that you are correct. Our losses come back up for us, even if only subconsciously, when we see others in the painful grip of loss. Thanks for your post.

Sunny- Thank you for your sweet words! I (always) appreciate your warmth and insight.

Suero- No "tower" here! Thanks, I find comfort in that.

Bumblebeez- So well said. You have such a sensitive soul and spirit. Thank you for sharing it.

Tina- Thank you for your support, sweetie! Thank you for sharing your sympathy for my neighbors too.

Lukki- I appreciate your thoughtful reply. You are right...SO sad!

Sinky, you are such a caring person.
They WILL remember and appreciate that you brought cookies and fruit.
They WILL remember that you grieved.
They WILL remember that you cared.

They are in such a state of shock and grief at the present, but when they reach the healing stage, these acts of kindness will mean so much to them.

My DD had a 20-week stillbirth last November due to a chromosomal disorder. She did not miscarry, but had to be induced and give birth. When friends and co-workers showed up at the door with food, flowers, and other acts of kindness, she knew, even if sometimes she could not acknowledge it. Remembering and acknowledging the acts of kindness was helpful to her later, when we she was able to get into the healing stage.

And I know for a fact, that young mother appreciates that someone cried for her baby.

Tuesday

I haven't read any of the replies but what I think you did was completely normal. We never know when we'll break down.

The same thing surprisingly happened to me but under different circumstances. My BFF just had her baby, her second one, and when I walked into her hospital room I started bawling because I was so happy for her. She told me months later how moved she was by my reaction. I felt like an idiot after I left.

After time goes by, your neighbor will feel the same way about you. How concerned and grieved you were for HER. Trust me, she appreciated it, but she's too frozen to say anything.

As far as the funeral goes, unless you know the family really well, I would just send flowers and not attend. Maybe next week bring them dinner and let them know you're there for them. That's when it gets lonely.

But you reacted naturally, so don'r worry about it. :)

I'm sure the neighbors just think of you as an exceptional caring person. I think it much better to come across as you did then one who appears emotionless. Since a small child I was always expected to be the strength and not show such emotion, trust me that comes across as much stranger. It's not good to bottle it up. I think every one who knows you are very lucky to. Don't hide your wonderful self, go to the funeral.

Graywings- Thank you. Yes, I do WANT to go to the funeral...very much. Another neighbor who is friendly with the couple asked me if I'd ride to the funeral with her. Maybe that would help us both-having someone along for the journey rather than going it alone.

Oh dear, Tuesday...I'm so sorry! Thank you for sharing your story, and for offering your insights. That was very generous of you.

Oakley, thank you for your words of encouragement!

Jterrilynn, that's incredibly sweet of you to say. Thank you so much.

IMO, the emotions you espress at such a time of grief are normal and somewhat expected. Yes, attend the funeral, give your condolences, and leave soon afterward. Seeing others grieve will only overwhelm you, causing you to break down.

I agree with patty cakes. You meant well, but you are a neighbor, not a close friend, not a relative, and although this is overwhelming for you, your place in all of this is to have composure and be supportive.
I am looking at this from the point of view of the parents and their family.
If you don't attend, I don't think they will think any less of you. I have a friend who can't go to visit anyone friend in the hospital. She gets too emotional.
I think when things calm down and all the family and relatives so back to their own lives, this is when your neighbor can use your support.
I went to a funeral of a friend who's husband died suddenly. At the wake, we asked if there was anything we could do. She said to call her in a few weeks because she knew she would need support then.

I'm so sorry this happened. I think your reaction shows what a kind, sensitive, and caring person you are (and we already knew that).

I agree with Tuesday that the young mother appreciates that someone cried for her baby.

your place in all of this is to have composure and be supportive.

I disagree. If you can't weep openly when a baby has died - when can you? I believe Stinky's display of emotion was supportive. I can tell you that those who sobbed at my grandmother's funeral - and I'm not talking about family - I'm talking about a couple of my coworkers! - instilled themselves in my heart as among the most compassionate people I have ever known.

I had to respond to this post. Our sweet baby boy was stillborn at 23 weeks. I was hospitalized for a week prior trying to save him. He has a heartbeat before birth, and not after. It REALLY shook us up.
They WILL appreciate that you cried for your baby. I was so sad and angry and people's stupid questions about the whole thing. What was so important to me was having others remember that we had a son who lived and a member of our family is no longer with us. They will be immersed in their own grief. It will mean a lot to them that you cared so much, especially later when it all really sinks in. My best to you and that family of the baby.

Thanks, Patty. Yes, I think the lady I would be going with would want to leave soon after. We will not attend the burial, reserving that moment for family.

Ellendi, I agree. You define my role in this well as "composed support." If I really don't think I can muster that, I will refrain from attending the funeral. I also do very much want to "be there" for the couple down the road. I told them in my note, "I'm here if you need me." (Of course, thus far I haven't exactly come across as a rock someone could lean on in crisis!) Thank you for your post. You make good points.

It's hard to believe I engaged in two intensive years of chaplaincy training at a hospital! I was paged to deaths, traumas, codes, all manner of crisis situations. I actually baptized babies in the NICU! Also visited patients throughout the hospital who were in various states of illness. This wasn't part-time work either...I was there 90 hours as week when on-call! My supervisor used to say though: "If a patient appears on one of your floors who is family or a friend, transfer them to one of your peers. You can not be a chaplain to them, you can only be a friend or family member."

Hi Nance! Nice to see you. Thank you for your kind words.

Sunny, I guess it's a little of both. I was typing when you posted, and elaborated more on that. (Thank you.)

Joanie, I am so sorry. It's hard to imagine a loss more excrutiating. Thank you for sharing your painful ordeal and your thoughts. Thank you for your good wishes for the family...so thoughtful of you. Another neighbor said to me, "They are young, they can have more children." Yes, and they do have a 2.5 year old son. But, THIS baby will always be missed. THIS baby had a soul and a spirit and for a month, he was watched over and looked after and hoped for and dreamed about. He will always be in the couple's heart, and his life will be sorely missed, no matter how many more children they have.

(He died the day after he turned a month old.)

Yes, I have had a similar reaction under somewhat different circumstances. My mother died when I was 29 and my father remarried several years later. I never had a good relationship with his wife, though we were friendly enough in spite of some rocky moments. She died unexpectedly two years ago. This woman had driven me nuts for almost 10 years but when my dad called to tell me she had died, I was practically hysterical. I totally surprised myself! I guess you never can tell how you're going to react to any sort of loss. For me, I think it was mainly feeling so sorry for my dad, who had lost not one but two wives in the span of about 15 years.

Did I miss something?
"and realize that the deep grief you are feeling for this child and family tie in directly to the grieving you are still doing for your family members."

Not to be argumentative but that doesn't have to be the case. Some people are just wired more sensitive/emotional.

You're such a caring person Stinky.

My prayers go out to the family.

Oh stinky. I am so sorry. And to you too joanie38 and Tuesday.

I like to believe grief that is shown and shared with others (no matter how it is expressed) helps mitigate the pain for those closest to the pain.

Hugs to you all.

SG -- Deep heartfelt grief and empathy for the young parents will be remembered ....

Hugs to you and your caring loving heart!

We have a one month old granddaughter and I can't imagine this happening;
I think your reaction is natural, it's so sad.

joanie, thanks for sharing, indeed your baby boy must be remembered,
this must be so hard for you.

Sue, thanks for sharing. Yes, your poor dad! Two wives lost in 15 years. That's tough. Surely your heart just ached for him.

Awww...thank you Sheesharee. (Keep us posted on baby Hee! I know he's becoming aware of so much around him and getting bigger every day! I'm sure he's precious.)

Deedee99, nice of you to send hugs and your kind thoughts. Indeed, Tuesday and Joanie & their sweet babies will be in my prayers forever, along with the people across the street and their little one. Maybe all these little people are in heaven playing together and watching over their loved ones. They are truly guardian angels! Surely they will be reunited one day with those here on earth who miss them so very much.

Teacats, hi sweetie. I got your hug. Thank you so much!

Mitch, enjoy that dear grandbaby! I know you do. You delight in and savor every second you spend with her. As I've said before, she's a lucky little girl to have you as a grandma! Thanks for sharing your kindness here.

We never know how we're going to react. If you go to the real estate board; you may remember the post by a member who lost their baby girl to SIDS. The post he made ripped my heart out; he had pictures & videos of their little girl. It was one of those mornings where my pain was bad; I sat & looked at photos; watched the videos.. you could see how much these 2 1st time parents loved this beautiful little joy. All I could think of was how I'd feel if my child was taken from me like that.

What's sad is that most will stop talking about it; the parents could feel like their child never mattered. The 1st few years after losing my dad were horrible; I can't imagine the rip your heart out pain from losing your baby.

Hi Rose. You always speak very eloquently about the emotions underneath loss. Obviously you've experienced the pain deeply and your compassion and empathy for others who are in that place has flourished as a result. That's the the gift...

My son's best friend was 12 when he was killed by a drunk driver. I took a cake to the house and started bawling .... left feeling so embarrassed and hoped I hadn't caused more stress/pain/anxiety for the parents.

I had to go to the funeral so went to my doctor first and got something to help since I did not want to be a basket case in the church. I think it was Ativan. I still cried but probably not as bad as I would have without anything.

((Stinky))

Stinky; certain people just click for me; this couple was one of them. I had tears in my eyes while typing that this morning.

It's sad when their own families never speak of the child that was lost; I can't imagine if anyone did that with my dad who was loved by a lot of people.

Try to follow your neighbors lead with their baby. Hopefully you'll know when it's a sore subject or when speaking about the baby will matter to them so they know that someone does remember. I try to treat people the way I'd like to be treated; it's backfired once when I didn't ask a friend for a certain cancer help because she'd just lost her husband from that cancer. She still is not speaking to me even after I explained why I did it. I could not make her relive anything so soon.

Dawn, thank you so much for sharing that! (We sound like kindred spirits!)

Rose, thanks for your advice. I have to say...I think you should work as a volunteer at a hospital or as a paid patient advocate (even better!) You have a LOT of medical knowledge and you have insight and compassion and a real interest in being of help to others. I see this as an important and special gift that you have that is meant to be shared (which you do quite often here...but you should also do so with people in the flesh too!) If you already do work like this...super, you've found your calling!

Stinky, I have to just tell you . . .you are just an amazing person. I am continually inspired by you and your positivity. This is off-topic, but now that I am finally remembering to tell you this, you said something on some thread: "We can imagine the best as easily as we can imagine the worst, so why not imagine the best?" I quote you all the time with that.

Back to the topic . . .horrible and devastating. You have incredible empathy so it is no wonder at all that you reacted that way. If I were the mom, I would have been touched forever. Truly.

I think, in death, we feel so alone. I had a dream a few months ago that my husband had been killed in front of me. I have had people die . . .my father when I was 13, my dear friend when I was 12 (she was 10), a cousin when I was 20, etc. What I forgot, however, is how PHYSICALLY painful it is. I felt ill, as though someone just punched me. It was a reminder, too, of how even though I've experienced losing people, it does not compare to the actual time in which it's happening (time does fade the pain) . . .and, of course, losing a child must be the most horrible, horrible, horrible loss ever.

I would go to the funeral-- make an appearance-- and stay as long as you can.

This all reminds me of Sense and Sensibility, Marianne who expressed everything felt and Elinor, who still felt everything but rarely expressed them!

There is no wrong or right in exactly how people feel and express their emotions, too many complicated situations, but in an area of grief as this, how could crying ever be considered unappreciated or a sign of weakness ( mental instability implied).
There are extreme behaviors that might be unstable, but tears are not one of them!

I have tears for all those who post about deceased pets. I usually don't post, it's too painful. I futuristically empathize, my fur babies are 12+ but still with me.

My goodness, Anele, thank you for your very sweet words...so nice of you!

Thanks for sharing your dream and what you took from it. Dreams can be so powerful and feel so real and teach us so much. This one really reached out and touched you.

I agree that time does not make the pain of the loss go away, but eventually I think pain can be channeled into service to and care and empathy for, others.

This mom is a pediatric nurse practioner. She has her master's degree in nursing and is a VERY busy professional. She works with babies all day or teaches classes to other nurses about their care. Her life is pretty "baby-centered!" I have of course, wondered how all this will effect her work and how her work will effect her. At first I think it will be excrutiating, but down the road my hope is that she will discover there is even more depth and caring in her efforts for the patients and families she serves. My hope is that her work will ultimately be healing for her as well as for her patients.

We have two choices as we emerge from grief: We can become bitter or we can become better. I have faith that this smart, sensitive, caring young woman will become even better. But yes, she will carry this wound within her entire life.

There are so many walking wounded among us. There are so many hidden scars, so much private anguish. We so often have no idea what has gone on in someone else's life, which is one more reason why we need to be tender and gentle and kind to one another. This very sad event serves as a reminder to me of that truth.

I do plan to go the funeral today and will leave with my neighbor at 10:15. The funeral is at 11:00. I ask that you say a prayer then, Anele...if you have the chance.

Bumblebeez, again your sensitive heart and gentle spirit are evident in your post. Oh yes...the tears I've cried when reading the pet threads here! I so relate to your anguish. Animals truly can be such treasured parts of our families. I think the loss of a pet can be as painful as losing a human family member.

Thank you, BB!

We were just at the viewing and funeral of one of the two girls killed in the train derailment here on the East Coast. The family was composed and gracious, but the hundreds of mourners--many of them young people--were shattered and sobbing. The family did not feel that those expressions of sorrow were a burden; to them, it was an expression of how much their daughter/sister was loved, and would be missed. I would not worry about being emotional or coherent. I think showing up and expressing your support and sorrow however you might is the important message.

Oh my goodness . . .a pediatric nurse practioner? That seems like it would really complicate matters.

I met a phlebotomist when I was getting my blood drawn during pregnancy. She told me that she had had a serious GI condition, requiring extensive surgery. She and her partner really wanted a child, so she got pregnant . . .her doctor never told her that it would be life-threatening until after the fact. She had to have an abortion or she would die. People at the clinic were protesting. She said it was the worst thing she experienced, and she mourned the loss of her baby daily. She told no one at her work about it-- and it was very hard to see so many pregnant people at through her work. One of her friends told her she should be over it by that point! No-- you never "get over" the loss of your child. Like you said, we have no idea what people have been through and the wounds they carry.

Just an idea . . .maybe for the baby's "angelversary" --I had this done for a toddler. I did not know her, but her story touched my heart. I will post it someday, but it is too sad to share right now. A woman in Australia will write the name of the child who passed away in the sand and photograph it for you. It's free, but then you pay $25 if you want a photo. They e-mail you the file so that you can print it out however you like. It's really beautiful. I am going to get another one done for my friend who died when she was 10. You can also get designs.

I will definitely be thinking and praying-- I am crying thinking about this family now. The funeral is so hard, but I think the worst is when it's done . . .then everything is so final.

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/healing/how-family-and-friends-can-help

Here is a link that might be useful: Names in the Sand

Roselvr - I remember that! Oh, my goodness ... how my heart ached for that family. I know that nobody ever "gets over" such a loss, but I hope that they have experienced profound healing.

You, dear stinky, are so very compassionate and empathetic, you could never , even unintentionally, hurt another.
In a dispassionate vein, I expect you helped this family at this awful time. They were likely taken aback.by someone outside the family circle demonstrating so much grief . It just may have given them a few moments to better collect themselves. You may have actually taken their grief from them for awhile, Giving them back some control , and perhaps, helping them heal all the faster. Not sure this makes sense, but I can see this. Bless you!

Stinky - Although this doesn't relate to the death of a child, I (and a small group of friends) had a similar reaction when the young husband of a dear friend died in a freak accident. Even though we weren't particularly close to him, our closeness to his wife made the funeral very difficult - many people, and not just those closest to him, were openly sobbing. I know for a fact that his young widow appreciated that people cared so much that they grieved so strongly. In a weird way, it brought her comfort.

Of course, I'm sure that part of our reaction was from imagining ourselves in her situation. But I think there's a difference between people who are simply wired to be sensitive/empathetic, and those who have unresolved personal issues causing them to overreact. I know one person who I used to think of as extremely caring because she would flock to people in need (e.g. dealing with any kind of personal difficulty). Over time, I (and others) realized that she did so inappropriately, to the point of involving herself where she really didn't belong. A mutual friend who's a psychologist explained it to me as the "moth to the flame" syndrome.

I think your reaction was totally normal.

Stinky-

I am sorry I am late to this conversation. Your reaction was perfectly normal and acceptable.

I have worked in NICU as a PA for the last 14 years. When I first started working here and a baby would die, I could not control my emotions and I would try and hide it and run out of the room. A few years into my career, we cared for a baby with a lethal chromosomal anomaly and she was a DNR. In the middle of the night on my shift, she started to go downhill. I first called the parents and then I called my attending. Most of the docs I work with would come in, this particular one felt that since it was a DNR he didn't need to be here. I simply could not run from this one. At the time I was about 20 weeks pregnant with my first baby. As we waited for the parents it became clear they wouldn't be there in time. I just could not let this baby pass on a warmer bed. I scooped her in my arms and sat in the rocker and held her as she passed, and I sobbed. I sobbed so hard, I could barely see. When her parents came in they saw me before I saw them and they knew she was already gone. I felt so foolish that I was sobbing over their loss, when I had a baby in my womb that was healthy. A few months later they sent me a letter thanking me. They said that they were eternally greatful for my compassion and they would never forget me and what I did for their daughter. They said they knew it had to be hard on me, but it made all the difference in the world to them. A year later they came back to the NICU to visit us with a perfect little bundle. She thanked me again in person.

After that I never hid again. I realized that I am who I am and a baby dying is never easy and it's ok to cry. It shows the grieving person how you care. I have cried and hugged almost every parent of the babies that have died while at work.

And then totally unrelated to my experiences in NICU, 10 years ago on the day we moved into our house, our next door neighbor's 2 year old was killed in a furniture tip over accident in his bedroom. We had just met them 1 hour before. The next morning, my husband and I brought them bagels and a card. I was crying as the husband answered the door. I later became very good friends with them, and they have always told me how they will never forget that gesture of 2 strangers, and how some people who were close to them seemed cold and never called.

A few weeks ago after the sudden passing of my Dad, I learned this myself. So many people came up to me at the funeral and just couldn't get words out they simply sobbed. I sobbed as well, and embraced each and every one of them. It just showed me how much these people (friends, family and strangers) cared for me and how they cared for my Dad.

Don't ever feel foolish. Trust me, it just showed them you care. Many hugs to you and prayers being sent to your neighbor.

stinky - Late to the thread as usual, but agree that you are a very compassionate and caring person. Compassion, and emotion, are more times felt by others, but not communicated in person to a friend who is grieving. It is so hard to visit someone who has suffered a loss as is the case with your neighbors.

Many people aren't comfortable with displaing emotions, and I think it is very telling of your capacity for just reacting in a "real" expression of sympathy upon seeing your friends whose baby passed. I encourage you to attend the funeral if you are able. Not sure about the meds, but if you need them, and your PCP will prescribe an rx, it may help.

The one thing that shook my tree when attending the childbirth classes during my pregnancy was that the facilitator used a chalkboard to write everything all of the couples were expecting when their baby-to-be arrived. Not one couple had any expectation of anything other than a great result, babe in arms, nursing, losing sleep, etc. It wasn't until the facilitator brought the loss of the impending child as an outcome, that a palpable hush came over that room.

Well, when my own DD was born she was very, very ill. It took about 24 hrs. to pinpoint the problem, and another month to actually put a severity diagnosis on it. I can't tell you how much I appreciated all of my family, friends, collegues, etc. who stood with me, holding my hand, praying, sitting with me, while we awaited her prognosis. Thankfully, the form of her disease is less of an immediate death sentence. However, it is so difficult as a new mom & dad to deal with a health issue in your newborn. It is painful, but to lose a child that you've grown inside your body, given birth to, ugh, I cannot even fathom.

I can't imagine what your friends are going through, but I do believe that your honest reaction to the death of their cherished baby upon visiting them was very much appreciated. Have to say it took extreme sympathy for you to take them the tray and see them in person. You could have easily just sent an order to be delivered by a delivery person with no interaction or any connection at all with the grieving parents.

No, I don't think you should be at all embarassed by your emotion. This young couple WILL always remember your compassion in a positive way.

polly - you are amazing. The hospital staff that cared for my DD as a newborn was wonderful and I did write the team a note of appreciation. It takes special people to work in a NICU, and you are so well suited. Your actions in the situation of holding that baby while she left this world, speak volumes at to why you should be doing just what you are as your profession. As you well know, when a newborn is ill and transported to a major children's hospital for specialized care, it is tough for the first time new mom to be at the hospital 24/7 immediately after giving birth. We moms who face that are comforted by caregivers in those hospitals who, like you, care deeply for your littlest patients.

Fortunately, many parents never need to rely on the care of a NICU physician, nurse, or other member of the NICU teams who care for our babies while we are showering and trying our best to get back to the hospital to be with our sick babies.

Prayers for your friends and hugs to you stinky.

Polly-- beautiful. THANK YOU for caring for that little girl, and holding her as she passed. The change you made for everyone . . .to imagine the difference between a child leaving this world alone, vs. being in the warm embrace of someone so loving? Now the parents will have that as their image, of her being surrounded by love, and NOT alone. Those moments are crucial. When someone dies, we replay what happened again and again, you changed a "tape" for the better, permanently. How horrible about the little boy. I know you remind us all to bolt furniture, and that cannot be stated enough!

work, I did not know about your daughter. I am so glad you have had support. I will think about her and your family!

Hello everyone! A million things have kept me from being able to sit down at the computer this week, (save for quick checks of my e-mail!). I'm so touched to find further words of encouragement, compassion and wisdom since I was here last. Thank you all so very much!

Kkay,what a horrific tragedy, and how kind and generous of you to offer your support and attend the service for the girl. Thank you for your kindness.

Anele, how sweet of you to share the wonderful idea for an "angleversary" gift! I love that. Thank you. I'm going to coin the phrase, "angelversary" too. It's just perfect!

Martinca, thank you for your incredibly supportive, kind, affirming words!

Goldgirl, that's SO sad! Ugh! You make excellent points. Thank you for sharing your story and your keen insights.

Polly, oh dear! Thank you for all your tender stories of heartfelt pain at times of loss. I knew you worked in the NICU, and I knew you worked with compassion and deep caring. Your care and love really makes a difference in this world. The story of your neighbor was so touching as well. How tragic, and how wonderful that you were there, and didn't hesitate to reach out, asap!

Workinprogress, your experience with your daughter sounds so difficult and gut wrenching. Thank you for sharing your story and your perspective, your sympathy and compassion.

Anele-I so agree...it is beautiful that the baby was in Polly's warm embrace and the parents will always know their little one was not alone.

I did attend the funeral and the short service at the cemetary. I also spent a couple of hours with the family at their house that afternoon. There were plenty of tears; really not a dry eye to be found. But at the house, tears mingled with laughter and hugs and hand-holding.

The service was very well done...really quite beautiful.

I told the pastor afterwards what an excellent job I thought he did...pitch perfect. He was not scripted or canned at all, but very genuine and warm and he shared his OWN struggles with how difficult he found preparing for this baby's funeral was. While I am sure he's done such a thing a thousand other times, you wouldn't have known it.

He really was present to this family, to the entire crowd, to the sadness and pain of the loss. I am so glad the couple had this sensitively conducted ritual. It was a meaningful and gracious way to say goodbye, acknowledge the painful loss in community, and honor this baby's short but precious life.