FIL has passed

14 years ago

It was a very, very tough day. We waited until DH's uncle arrived, but he didn't get there till around 5pm. We'd gotten to the hospital around 9 am.

We had the ventilator removed around 8:30 and FIL passed a few, painful (for us) minutes later. However, the hospital was wonderful. They've got fantastic comfort care...great staff, they brought in a woman who played the harp in the room with us...just wonderful staff.

So, tomorrow the whole family is going to come to our house for a gathering. We're not going to be able to get to FIL's place till Thursday or Friday. I've made the arrangements with a funeral home, and found out a lot of information on what to do (thanks for the link!!). Eventually we're going to have a memorial service, and we want a Native medicine man or woman to say a prayer for us. My FIL has some native blood, and he's always been fascinated with the Native people and nature. So we'll celebrate & honor his life and scatter his ashes in a forest. None of us is up to that yet. I'm just too exhausted and DH is numb.

I've learned to know my limits, so I did accept my mom's offer to come and help out tomorrow. Just will have another very busy day...and then tackle FIL's home. He was basically indigent, and there are no assets to speak of. Just tons and tons of junk. However, there are some gems in the mess...it'll be a treasure hunt. We're going to sell off whatever is saleable, and give the proceeds to his daughter, so she has something to live on. DH just wants a couple of keepsake things from his dad, BIL hasn't specifically noted anything he'd like.

So we're not expecting to find $20 bills in between the pages of magazines. He only had SSI, and no life insurance, savings accounts...not even any car insurance premium refunds, since he cancelled his car insurance when his car quit running. But he does have some trinkets he's gathered up over the years that will bring in a couple thousand dollars from an estate sale.

Again, I can't thank you all enough for your kind thoughts, prayers and words. DH also thanks 'those computer decorator ladies'.

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Comments (18)

mitchdesj
14 years ago
My condoleances to you and your family; what a trying time.
Do take care of yourself through this to sustain your health and strength.
theroselvr
14 years ago
Sorry for your loss.
With the ashes, make sure everyone agrees on spreading them.

When you clean out the house, make sure you look before tossing things. You would not believe some of the places my dad used to hide cash. He had cash stashed in his car; where if you took off the back inside trim, it would be shoved almost into the wheel well.
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Hi, I know this comes a little “after the fact”, but please don’t blame yourself at all for not grieving for your FIL. You love and loved your husband, which is lots more than I can say. I THOUGHT I loved my husband before we were married, but by the time we got married, I didn’t want to marry him anymore. You’re probably wondering “Why in the world would she get married, anyhow?” Well, the truth is, my husband was a very violent person (which I found out before the marriage) and I was AFRAID to not marry him. He controlled people with fear. I actually feared for my life, and I did so many times while we were married. My mother even saw how bad it was (God rest her soul) and offered to pay for a divorce for me (and she was a “tightwad”). Of course, I refused. What would I tell my husband if he asked me where I got the money for a lawyer, “My mother gave it to me”? He would have outright killed her or threatened her fiercely with profane language. I could go on and on about this—there were so many terrifying incidents. But when he passed away last July, I felt like “the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders” and we were married nearly 50 years. I could not cry at his funeral because of all the HORRID things he did to me. But he was like a “Jeckll and Hyde”, a split personality, as he had many friends who thought he was GREAT. He did always help them and fixed things for them (he was unusually handy), so it is to be expected. In his fits of rage, he broke everything that was important to ME. I made stained glass pieces (I did very well at that) and he broke the two lamps that I had in the house. I also had two organs (I loved to play them but I wasn’t that good) and he broke keys on both by flinging objects at them. He didn’t break my stained glass windows because it would have been too obvious to other people. So please hang in there, I’m sure things with your husband will get better over time. Wishing for a quick passing is one of the kindest things he could do.
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tinam61
14 years ago
I am sorry to hear this. What a hard (and exhausting!) few days you had! I'm glad your mom is coming to help. My thoughts are with you these next few days. Try to get some rest when you can and take care of you - and hubby.

tina
User
14 years ago
I'm so, so sorry.
pammyfay
14 years ago
What an interesting way to help comfort the family--the harp playing--and what a wonderful way to bid farewell to your FIL--borrowing from the Native American culture. There's a lot of love cradling you. Also, my deepest sympathies to everyone.
teacats
14 years ago
More wishes for comfort and care to you and all of your family. Very nice idea for the harp to be playing.

Jan
User
14 years ago
Pesky, I am so very sorry for the loss of your FIL. My thoughts and prayers are with your family. (((((Hugs)))))
mahatmacat1
14 years ago
pesky and family...so sorry to hear your news. I had an odd thought--I remember reading that your FIL wasn't under any medical care toward the end of his life and thinking "like the (at least mythical, not current image of) native americans (or pioneers sometimes) when they knew they were dying...they refused help and went off by themselves." I really got that feeling that he was going to do his life and his end of life his way, more naturally. So I wasn't surprised at all to read your post above. It all fits together, sadly but beautifully.

Sending energies for peace and comfort...
johnmari
14 years ago
The expected is no less painful. *hug* As I said to another grieving daughter a few days ago, may your memories ease your grief, eventually bringing smiles and even chuckles through your tears.

More and more hospitals are becoming aware of the need for gentle transitions out of this life, with music and Reiki and whatever the family needs past just the standard chaplain-in-the-room (not that there's anything wrong with that, if that's what works for the family in question) and it's wonderful that the hospital where your FIL was could offer those services to the family. I think we can thank the hospice movement for such improvements in end-of-life care, for everyone involved.

A practical note... An option for the ashes when there are differences of opinion on their, um, handling - consider dividing them between the family members who have different needs. If one family member feels very strongly that the ashes should be interred somewhere or even kept in an urn on the mantelpiece, s/he could have a portion of the ashes with which to do so, and the other other portion could be taken to the forest. My father had always spoken out very strongly about having his ashes scattered (when he was feeling serious, he asked that it be over the Atlantic Ocean, when he was feeling goofy it was "tilled into the tomato patch" *chuckle*) but when he died his parents were adamant that the ashes must be interred in the family plot despite his wishes. The best compromise was dividing them up.
squirrelheaven
14 years ago
So sorry to hear he didn't survive the heart attack, Pesky. I hope it wasn't painful for him. It sounds as if he only has the one daughter at home? That will be so very hard for her. I hope you're close.

How nice for the harp during his passing. Music is a wonder.

Thoughts, prayers, and peace to all of you during such trying times. Remember to take care of yourself (and you won't be able to help others if you don't).
pbrisjar
14 years ago
As someone who has just dealt with and is still dealing with the loss of a parent, please accept my condolences.

Please, accept all the help that is offered to you and do not be hesitant to ask for more. You will need it and then some.
User
14 years ago
That's very sad news Pesky, I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. -- Lukki
pam14
14 years ago
I'm sorry to hear this news. Sending comforting thoughts your way.
golddust
14 years ago
I'm so sorry. Sending hugs and strength so your family can get through the upcoming weeks. Tell Mr Pesky your home decorating friends are so sorry.

Accept all the help you can get - great advice, pbris. It sounds like you are going to need it. Beautiful funeral plans, BTW.

Do not get ripped off at the funeral home!
ttodd
14 years ago
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Please take care.
susan209
14 years ago
Sending many blessings to you and yours at this time. Keep your energy level up as much as possible, at this time it is so easily depleated....all of you need your rest and meals, take care!
With sympathies to all.
newdawn1895
14 years ago
God bless you and your family at this time.

....Jane
lynninnewmexico
14 years ago
My heartfelt sympathy to you, your DH and family. May the warm memories of your FIL strengthen and comfort you all.
Lynn

FIL has passed

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mitchdesj

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