It sounds to me like you ahve been very sensitive to her feelings. She still will have her own room in your home.

I can understand her feelings. It is a big change going off to college and she will still want to feel that she has her home. At the same time, it is not reasonable that her younger sibling, still at home should not get more space. This is how it often works. It's part of growing up.

You are a good mom.

We went through this when older DS went off to college, and younger DS got to flip to the larger room. Six years later and they still banter about it, and for a short minute older DS thought he should reclaim the larger room when he moved home after grad school. Sorry, kiddo, I told him. You got the larger room for almost 19 years, it belongs to your brother. :-)

Younger DS also left for college, but had problems being so far away, and it being so far to come home easily. He is home now, attending a local college, so all that much better that he has the large room these days.

Now older DS has gotten a orchestra teaching job 550 miles away, and will be moving out completely. The smaller bedroom will now be decorated to my taste, though I am not repainting his blue walls. In education, there are so many layoffs, and first year teachers are at greatest risk. So, just in case he has to move back, it will be easy to change it back to his space.

I think you have accommodated her well. Remember that part of what she may be feeling is fear, facing the whole college thing, and needs the assurance that while her world is changing and is so uncertain, home is the same safe, secure place she is leaving behind.

I think Dawn said it well - it's part of growing up. This is a transitional time for all of you. Perhaps your DD is just feeling a little anxious about heading off to college and losing her bedroom is adding to her insecurity. Have you spoken with her about this? I'm assuming that somehow she's showing that she's angry about the change.

Maybe it would help if you reassure her. It isn't unusual for the first born to have a sense of entitlement but honestly it's time for her to accept this switch. You've been more than fair by allowing her to redecorate her new room - I hope she accepts this soon and graciously.

I moved my younger son into his older brother's larger bedroom when #1 moved out for good. When the older one first goes off to school, sometimes it's good for them to feel like not everything in their life is changing at once and the comfort of their old room is still there. I didn't move #2 into the larger room right away. My kids are six years apart in age, so even waiting a year still gave #2 a number of years to enjoy the larger room before he flew the coop.

Now I have the whole house to myself. Small bedroom is my home office and middle size bedroom is a guest room. It's nice.

When my DD started college, I just cleaned her room. Left it basically the way it was they day she left for school. That is how she found it upon her return home for fall break. I've read an awful lot about leaving your college student's BR intact for at least the freshman and better yet, sophmore year. They are going thru an enormous adjustment and coming home to their familiar bedroom is a good thing. Nothing was mentioned about "flipping" rooms with a sibling, more along the lines that parents should keep the "bedroom" as the college student's bedroom until they are completely adjusted to college life and being away from home.

We joked about giving DS #1's room (a very nice attic bedroom so he has his own 'floor') to DS #2 when he went to college and he got so upset over the idea -- plus, younger DS didn't even want to move -- we dropped the idea. Ahem, good thing, because he dropped out of college 5 months later and will be living at home for at least the next year!

I agree with everyone who says you're handling this really well. And I'm sure her feelings about the room are wrapped up with some of her feelings about leaving for school, too.

Thanks everyone who has responded. I feel more confident about our decision after reading your comments.

To Work in Progress, I did think about letting her keep her room to avoid upsetting her, if both kids had rooms that were similar in size I could have done that. But my son's room is about 9 x 11-ish w/a tiny closet (he was a baby when we moved here and it was fine for a crib but he's now a 6 footer!). Her room is about 13 x 16 -- palatial, in comparison and With a much bigger closet that's got nice closet organizers to boot.

Now that he's in high school he's asked for a desk for doing homework and it's impossible to get one in his own room because it barely holds a dresser, a book shelf, and a bed. In hers, he can have all that plus the chair and the desk he needs. I think it'll help him keep his school work organized if he has a place dedicated to doing it.

To Maire Cate, my DD definitely has that first born's sense of entitlement! She doesn't see why she can't be away at school and still "own" the best kid's room! So as much as I understand way she wants the room "reserved" when she gets back it also seems like a slap in the face to the younger child whose been "making do" with a small room all this time and who has some real space needs. She has not said anything to suggest she's sympathetic to this in the least. Some of it is definitely fear over the displacement that moving to a dorm room means, fear over losing her dominant place in the home -- as symbolized by the "best" bedroom real estate but it's also seems a little bratty to me. She'll always have a home here of course, and I'm doing everything possible to make her new room appealing and customized.

When I went to college I barely was out the door when my younger sister took my room and no one thought twice about where I stayed when I came home, i spent most of my time during breaks and vacations sleeping a in a spare room where my mother stashed boxes and broken household appliances, etc, no one gave a hoot about the message this might send or how I felt which is partly why I'm trying so hard to make sure she feels she has a place of her own here that's been tailor made with everything she needs and likes even if it's a smaller size.

My husband's room was also commandeered by his next youngest sibling immediately so it's not an entirely uncommon experience...

judithn - I find it reassuring to read your last response. I was a little hesitant in my earlier reply for fear I'd come off like I was attacking your DD unfairly. But I can see clearly that you know your DD all too well and my reluctance was unfounded.

I have to agree with your assessment that it does seem bratty. Unfortunately I've seen that behavior at times in my own home and it's awfully unbecoming. I often feel we've given our children too much - too much attention and too much in the way of material things and they now expect life will always be that way. In their eyes they are 'first'.

Switching rooms just might be a good experience for your DD. We've coddled them too long. If a student is mature enough to head off to college then I think saving their bedroom for them for the first year or two is completely unnecessary. Especially since your son really needs the space now.

Oh no - I just thought of something. Will your DD have a room mate? ...gulp...will she have to share a room?

I agree that your DS needs an upgrade in his real estate, and since there will be a vacancy, it makes total sense that he move in to expanded digs.

But I am wondering if spending the month before she leaves for college cleaning out her room is just intensifying any feelings of separation anxiety and ambivalence your DD is having about saying goodbye to her childhood and taking her first major step at independence.

I know you gave her a choice and she said she would clean out her room with you, but she may not have been prepared for the emotions that doing so would dredge up for her. And these feelings may be what is coming across as resentment and entitlement to you.

I would be tempted to just let her enjoy her last month at home with the family and then cleaning out the room and moving DS in after DD makes her move to college.

I have 3 boys. One bedroom was the nursery and once the youngest was out of the crib, my two younger boys shared a room until the oldest went off to college. Personality wise, it worked for them (and us.) But, THE DAY the oldest went to college, the middle brother moved into the room. THE DAY the second one went to college, the youngest moved into the room. Everything that the other had left on the walls, etc. came down and became the other's room. The other brother understood that it was just the younger brother's room now. It was only fair. On school vacations there has been no problem. The youngest and last occupant keeps the room. They have all survived and thrived. Sometimes, I just think we worry too much. Your daughter will be fine.

Les - congrats to your son on his new job!! If you posted this before, I missed it. Best of luck to him.

tina

Barb5, I think you are right -- cleaning out the room is dredging up feelings that she did not expect.

Compounding the issue is that none of her friends have to deal with this. They have larger homes, no younger siblings w/space needs, and are financially better off which makes this even more "unfair." I keep reassuring her that the rest of the house is exactly the same and will still feel and BE home, even if she's moved down the hall. I also said I will pay for her transportation home and she can come home any time she wants, no questions asked (within reason of course) so she knows we're here for her and this is her home.

As for the timing, well we have talked about it for weeks and she didn't want to be surprised by any changes. She thought it would be harder on her to be uninvolved. Now that we're in the middle of it, I can see there'd be problems no matter how we approached it.

From a practical standpoint, Sooner was better because DH is a hoarder. Every wall covered with magazine clippings, posters, etc, piles of books, notebooks, art supplies, dishes, etc. everywhere. I didn't know how I was going to get her organized and packed if we didn't strip it down. There's also a scheduling issue -- she's due at school Aug. 19, and since we're on vacation the first week of August and packing her up the second week the last two weeks of July are the best time (given my schedule and vacation schedules) to get it done.

I've tried coming up with a compromise to ease her worries but my husband takes a firm line: it's not fair to keep the younger child crammed into his room once she's gone. She's had the bigger nicer room for 15 years (we lived elsewhere until she was 3) and it's now our son's turn. We've always repurposed space as the family's needs change, and that's what this is, in DHs opinion. He doesn't want to coddle her at our son's expense.

Maybe I'm the coddler -- I'm feeling very torn here...

oops, DD is the hoarder, not DH.

What you're feeling is natural. As a Mom we don't want our children to be hurt and the last thing we'd want is to be the reason for it. It seems that your DD would feel this way no matter when the move happened. However by switching now she's also involved in decorating her new room and this also allow DS to move in and arrange his new room to suit his needs. The timing makes sense to me.

Is is possible that you're also feeling torn because your DD is leaving?

Luckily I won't have to deal with this! DS1 ended up with a slightly smaller room than DS2, but the room has its own bath and a nice walk-in closet.

The ideal situation would be to leave you daughter's room the same way for her first year away, but reality is that life doesn't always follow an ideal path. You've done the best you could to include her and consider her feelings.

I'm wondering how things have settled out in your home. My daughter has been away at college for almost two quarters and will be coming home over Spring Break to find she now has the smaller room. We talked about it before she left for college and left "her" room for her when she was home for Thanksgiving and the three weeks of Winter Break. I told my youngest daughter she would get the bigger room for her 13th birthday after all the holidays were done. But, here we are, just a month away from the big reveal. I know my oldest is not going to be happy and she is pretty much a bully around the house, having kicked a hole in the wall with temper tantrums even over Winter Break. I really appreciate the need for her to feel like she is coming home, but the day to day need for the youngest to have the space to use more efficiently than the smaller bedroom makes more sense. Anyway... back to the original question - How have things settled out in your home? Thanks.

Funny. Through the years, my kids always switched up bedrooms. There isn't one bedroom in the house ( except our bedroom) that hasn't belonged to them at some time or another.

Moving 'Mom' into the house and setting up a guest room in the outbuilding phased no one. Lol. They laugh about switching up rooms, combing rooms, even sleeping in the mezzanine for parts of their lives, depending on how scared or confident they were at different ages. Our big house created lots of possibilities. Derek even moved to the basement for awhile.

It's certainly difficult for a kid to lose the comfort and security of his or her own bedroom during that first year of college. My DD is almost four years out of college and I just cleaned and redecorated it six months ago. She had been at boarding school before college so she'd been out of the house for practical purposes for years, but still felt strongly about "her" room. It's just a tricky situation all around and I think most families try to deal as sensitively with this issue as they can, taking into account the personalities involved, relative bedroom sizes, etc. It seems we all have to play Soloman at some point in our children's lives, doesn't it?

CWandel, I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that if your daughter is in such a foul temper she's kicking holes in walls, a room switch is the least of your worries!

CWandel, Just saw this thread was resurrected. My daughter is finishing her sophomore year now. She had adapted to her new smaller room with only a few moments of wistful nostalgia for the bigger one. She's a realistic person. Of course I did make up her "new" room just for her. At this point, her college dorm is more "her" room than the bedroom at home. Not that she doesn't like coming home, she loves coming but as time goes on school and their friends become more important to them. Anyway, she was home for the summer between her freshman and sophomore year but landed a very nice summer job in another state for this coming summer and we travel an awful lot on her school vacations so I'm not kidding when I say she's hardly home. So overall no, it's not a big deal and after that initial shock and upset there has been very little residual upset for her.

I suspect that part of it's simply the timing...

If she had already gone off to college and loved it, she would feel better about giving up her space to her brother and not feeling that it left her rootless. But the fact that she's giving up her safe space *before* heading off to college and settling in happily makes the whole leaving home transition scarier.

I remember when my parents sold their house -- the family home. Even though I was married and had long moved away, I still felt like my only real 'home' was just plain gone.

Can you complete the bedroom shuffle a few weeks before she leaves for college? So that way, maybe her new room will also feel like home?