DD50, I'm so sorry that you are having so much trouble finding good in-home care. I wish I had more to offer you other than sympathy. I cannot even begin to imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. Here you are, trying to do what's right; using the resources available; all so you can keep your husband at home. It sounds like the system is actually working against you. What a shame! Although my situation wasn't as difficult as yours, I went through some similar things when we had my mom living with us. We got in-home care from a reputable agency so I could have some free time and to ease the physical burden. I found, like you, that I was spending too much time training the new caregivers and monitoring what they were doing. As we added more & more hours in the hopes of alleviating my burden, the costs became even more than what we had been paying for an assisted living facility. Eventually, I moved my mother into another AL. If you go the NH route, don't become overwrought with guilt. You've done your best. Sometimes you just have to face reality. Your kids need you too. And you can't wreck your own health. If you do, who will take care of your children and your husband? Believe me, just because your loved one is in a NH or assisted living or memory care unit, does not mean you're not their caregiver. You are still looking after their well being. The only difference is that you can go back home and get some breaks. Take care of yourself and always feel free to join in on the forum discussions here. This place has many lovely members who either are going through or have gone through circumstances similar to yours. It's a great source of encouragement and help.

I'm so sorry for all the trouble you're going through -- When it comes to step-brother's squeeze, just remember that it takes two to fight, and that by even 'getting into it' with her, you are stooping to her level. Stay above it. You wouldn't 'fight' with an 8-year old brat -- you'd give the kid a look that communicated the gap between you and that he was way out of line, then walk away. Do the same to this girl. She is not worthy of your time and energy, so don't dignify her comments by engageing in a fight of any type.

I'm not sure but I don't think the house will count as an asset.When I put my dad in a nursing home he was allowed to keep the house and their vehicle.His SS check went to the nursing home for his care but Mother still got her SS check every month.Medicare pays for the nursing home for I think 60 days then Medicaid picks it up from there.I think when the house sells the money would be considered an asset and would go toward the nursing home care.You can check all that out with the SS department or even one of the local nursing homes.They should be able to tell you what you need to know.You might also consider finding an in home caregiver.If you plan to take care of them in your home yourself I strongly recommend getting outside help if only part time.

I see you need to have the last word on something you're not part of, Elmer. We are NOT with Kaiser because it's the least expensive; we stay because we like our docs and our care. I'm certainly not going to go into personal experiences here but it's not fair of you to dish an hmo you have never had any part of, and with which many, many people are very happy. I suspect you have closer to concierge care, which this is not, but Kaiser works great for hundreds of thousands of people. It is an example of how a single-payer system works, and works well. We have all heard many non-Kaiser stories of incompetent docs and very long wait times. Our wait times appear to us to be far shorter than friends on other plans, even Stanford plans. :) Chisue, I have to disagree with you on the idea that there would be more jobs if employers didn't have to help subsidize healthcare. If recent history has taught us anything, it's that big business is all about keeping as much profit as possible. (Small businesses are a different story and I'm sorry when I see news articles not make the differentiation.) I believe if large businesses thought they could get away with not helping with insurance costs, they would do it in a heartbeat. The only answer is government-sponsered health care, again, as is done in every other economically viable country. Profit must be taken out of the equation, or there will continue to be a growing chasm between those who receive healthcare, and those who do not.