The Dreading of Each Special Day


Leogirl had asked if we ever get past the dreading. I can only speak from my experiences. My daughter, Christin has been gone for over 6 years. For the first couple of years, all of the special days were dreaded. After we saw that we could survive them and find ways to spend them that were appropriate for us, then they were no longer dreaded.

Since Mom has only been gone for 6 months, this holiday was our first without her. We all missed her terribly, but survived without any major meltdowns.

Today is Mom's birthday. I struggled wondering what I should do for her. For Christin's birthdays, we bought expensive sprays of flowers, sent up helium balloons with cards, had a memorial service, and other things. I don't know if I am burnt out from doing all of that for the past 6 years or what, but I kinda felt like the only ones who were benefitting from our beautiful sprays etc. is the florists. She already has beautiful Christmas flowers and a little Christmas tree.

It hit me that the best thing that I could do for Mom today was to go to the church, light a candle for her and pray. I then left and went to our church adoration chapel and said a rosary for her and then visited her at her grave and then visited my dad who was alone. I think that those things made her happy from heaven.

I certainly wouldn't have had to do anything at all today. If you don't feel the pull to do certain things, then just don't do it. You shouldn't feel that you HAVE to do anything special. Just remembering them in your heart in your own way, is enough. Try not to dread the day. It always has unfolded just as it should for us.

I have to get through New Year's now and then my Mom and Dad's anniversary on January 11. If I let myself, I could develop fear for those days and let it overcome me, but I will not. Those days will pass and we will fill them with Mom in our hearts as always.


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Lu, Thanks for your message. I think New Year's Eve just caught me off guard because I had been focusing on getting through Christmas then after it was over BAM! the realization hit me. I went in a store a few days ago and saw the Valentine's Day cards. At least I'll have 6 weeks before that one hits! Bob and I were so close it was hard for me to tell where I ended and he began. I guess it's getting clearer now because it seems a big part of me left with him. But, back to the dreading: I think that each first should be symbolic, even if it's just me. I think I need to say hello to each first, in a way that is appropriate for what it meant to us, then kiss it goodbye. I know I'll only have one first Christmas without Bob, one first New Year's Eve without him, and so on. I guess the others that come later won't be easy, either, but surely they will be easier than the first. I almost always had one of my cameras with me so at least I have lots of pictures from all of our special times. I'm going to do a separate post to see if everyone did ok on New Year's Eve. Take care -

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Aaron's birthday is March 7th. Since the day before is a Sunday I asked if we could provide some special flowers for the church on that date. I want to continue to celebrate his life even as we mourn his death. I asked for bright spring flowers that would look happy and not sad.

It was hard to wrap Christmas presents with none for Aaron. I hadn't even bought him anything because he usually wants tools and my husband checks the sales. My oldest son printed a small picture of Aaron for each family member and put them in tiny picture frames that go on the tree. It felt good to see his thoughtfulness.


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