Sorry, Pam. This is all too common these days. More girls getting pregnant outside of a secure loving relationship and with no help. It leads to frustration.
It's hard to watch and harder still to impact someone who has no real idea how to be a mom. Or a dad. You tried.

Red

It's called no one to teach them what needs to be done..

She's probably so frustrated. I remember being that age with one so young; I had no clue. No clue about staying up all night with teething, which is probably what that baby was doing. He's starting to get his teeth, she is so wiped out with being up all night. If it's anything like my son, he had one ear infection after the other.

What to expect baby then toddler would have been good to point her to.

I hate to see people being so harsh with their kids, too. Screaming at them for everything, complaining about them with everything. It's very sad for the children.

Oh, this really gets my goat. I was raised to think 'shut up' was a swear word, not to be uttered to anyone. Pam, you were great to try and defuse the situation. Do you think parents like her had the same kind of parents?

Dreaming about all parents having to attend parenting classes. Young, old, rich, poor. Pipe dreams...

Actually I think the problem is that people have completely unrealistic expectations of what babies need and what they are capable of. I'm an older new mom (33 when I had my now 13 month old) and I have to tell you that as soon as I decided to listen to my instinct about meeting my child's needs and stop feeling mortified that my child didn't fit the mold of a "good baby" (a baby that was happy to be held by anyone, never cried, slept through the night at 3 months etc), I was a much happier momma with a much happier baby.

I'm all for a parenting class but who's methods do you teach? I admit to being a lot happier since taking a big old swig of the AP kool-aid but it's not for everyone ;).

It does happen way too often, and it's so frustrating to see how some mothers will treat their dogs better than they do their kids. Basically, a stupid book was more important to her then her child! I don't think there is really any excuse for that kind of selfishness. Let's face it, she wouldn't dare treat someone who was old enough to speak up to her that way. I had my daughter at 17 and even though I wasn't the perfect mother, I still understood that bringing her into the world meant her needs came before my own. And I DIDN'T have any family support to help me. So having a break away from her wasn't an option. I think people like that are selfish. I have a family member like that who constantly yells at her kids. I can't be around her without saying something which usually doesn't turn out well. You were brave to step up.

LOL Lisa. I completely agree, and pass the kool-aid, youngin. :)

What that mother needs is a baby sling. (And maybe a whack on the head.) No, really, she probably just needs a good mother, herself. But, I guess its too late for that. :(

I admit to being a lot happier since taking a big old swig of the AP kool-aid but it's not for everyone ;).

Count me in on that. Not sure why anyone would do anything else. Guess I've had too much kool-aid, too!

That is so sad-- for everyone. Generally, people are left to parent in isolation nowadays in the US. It's not natural and it's not healthy. Like lukkiirish said, there ARE people who have no support (and to boot, are younger than average) who somehow manage to parent amazingly.

IME, it is a very tough job for anyone, but some people do have even more obstacles to being able to care for their children gently and thoughtfully. Even at 6 mos, she could have PPD and who would diagnose it? Or, she may have little time with the child, so maybe the bonding period has been threatened. Hard to say, but Pam, you did the right thing. I bet you really helped that day!

(PS, I've had the AP kool-aid, too . . .)

What is AP kool-aid? Not alcohol?

I give up what is AP kool-aid?

It makes me sad too, Pam. I think we've all heard (first) and seen some very bad parenting in stores. It's always hard to know what to do, especially if the parent is very angry. You're not alone. Bless your heart for trying. I hope that young mother can get help before it's too late.

Thanks for the comments, everyone. I felt like I needed to share that story because it bothered me so much. I told my DH about it, but if it's something or someone that he doesn't know personally, he just doesn't feel the same level of emotion that I do. When I went to bed that night, I said a prayer for the baby (and the mother).

It doesn't help that I have baby cravings either, but I'm just too darn old and tired to have another. Technically, I could probably still have another (44 yrs old), but I worry enough about the three I already have!

You are all so much more empathetic than I am or could ever be towards that mother or other mothers like her. Sorry for the rant, but I believe that while we can always use our past and lack of training as an excuse, a problem can't be solved until it's acknowledged and help is sought. I was married two days after turning 17, had my baby 11 mos later and then divorced with in the year because my husband was a "severe" wife beater. To say it wasn't easy is an understatement and like I mentioned before, I was alone in the process. However, I honestly believe that the only reason I was able to survive and bring my daughter up to be a strong independent & responsible woman (she's 32 now) is because I loved her enough to make the sacrifices needed to do it. I realize everyone handles problems differently but at the same time at 21 she is an adult and at some time we have to take responsibility for our actions. That mother and any other mother who publically or privately abuses their children is wrong regardless of their situation. Ultimately, they have choices that can make a difference in their lives but those sweet children don't. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just speaking what is a reality to me, from my own personal experiences.

I'm so glad you said something - that took a lot of guts and courage! Congratulations to you!

I remember one time when our 1st kid was young and I was shopping in Target when I heard another mom babbling away to her baby. Just a real heartfelt conversation. So positive that I had to stop and tell her how refreshing it was to hear someone speaking so kindly to their child and so intent on them. Then I thought 'Wow, that's a real shame that someone being positive is what sticks out like a sore thumb!'.

Like Lisa I was 33 when we had our 1st. I am sooooo glad I waited because I would never have been able to cope if it ever happened earlier! I too was better off when I just started listening to my mom and not everything/one else. Then I read The Happiest Baby on the Block and it reaffirmed everything that my mom was telling me, what I remembered growing up and what every grandmother whose brain I picked told me. Suddenly life was much more relaxed!

One time my elderly neighbor asked me how I do it w/ 3 kids 5yrs and younger. I freely admitted to having a little nip and a nap! She gave me a thumbs up and said "Atta girl!".

I think the reason I might be empathetic is because I have a 13 month old baby. Already the memory of some of the harder times when he was younger has started to fade and I expect that by the time he is 30, the worst of the worst will be long gone from memory. My little guy has an awful dairy intolerance and had horrible reflux when he was first born until I cut all dairy out of my diet (he is breastfed) - I mean hardcore - no processed foods because 95% of them have some kind of dairy in them... he was THAT sensitive. It took about 6 weeks of no dairy for all of his symptoms to go away completely and we had about 2 nights of decent sleep before the teething kicked in at 2 months. Yes, 2 months. Do you know how hard it is to deal with a baby who is teething at 2 months? All they do is scream and there is not much you can do for them - and yes, we tried everything. Now he can chew on something, hold something cold in his mouth where it hurts etc. At 2 months all they know is pain and even tylenol only did the job for 2 out of every 4 hours and he'd spend the other 2 out of every 4 hours crying.

And yes, he wanted to be held constantly. And for over a year I NEVER got more than 3 hours of sleep in a row. He's breastfed and has always refused a bottle and is extremely stubborn about what he wants and when he wants to nurse, nothing else will do. He has never taken a pacifier either. Straight from the tap only and the only pacifier he has ever wanted was me.

And yes, there were days when I didn't even get the 2 3 hour stretches of sleep at night. Hell there were WEEKS when I didn't even get that. There was the 2 weeks after we tried to transition to him to his crib when he woke up crying for me every half hour even after we brought him back into our bed - I finally stopped beating myself up for being a horrible mom who couldn't make her kid sleep by himself and embraced the cosleeping thing. There are the weeks he is actually CUTTING his teeth - it takes about 2 weeks from the time it starts to poke through to the time it actually pokes through where he is up every half hour wanting some comfort.

And yeah, I can see that there might have been times when knowing that he doesn't understand the words I am saying anyway I might have said something less than nice to him. I remember one time going somewhere with hubby and baby in the car and he was crying in the car seat after crying all day and I JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT anymore... after months and months of no sleep and no break and no way to take a break, I just felt trapped and I snapped.

I jumped out of a moving car without my jacket and walked home 5 miles along the side of the road in 22 degree weather with thin pants and a sweater. I think on my way out I said something like "I don't care what happens to either of you, just go away!!!" Nice, huh? I arrived home thoroughly frozen with a thick layer of ice caked on my face from the tears and then the sub freezing wind to hubby (who had been following me around for over an hour to make sure nothing bad happened to me) just pulling in the driveway. The baby fell asleep and had a short nap and woke up in a much better mood and I felt like the WORST mother in the world.

But you know what? I forgave myself. I left the boy with his father, they were both fine, I was fine, the walk in the cold was therapeutic. 99% of the time I go out with my son and all I hear is how gorgeous he is, how good he is, how happy he looks, how he's got the best ride ever (I still wear him even though he is 23+ lbs and almost 32" tall), what a big smile he has, how well behaved he is. But catch me in a dark moment and who knows what they would think. Prolonged sleep deprivation does horrible things to even the most pulled together person. I've learned to not judge people based on a 5 minute contact (I never really did before, this has just been reinforced in spades).

Maybe in 30 years I'll forget it all and I will end up like my MIL, who swears her kids never cried when they were little, loved everyone who wanted to hold them and were just all around easygoing little people who never gave her a bit of trouble. I hope not because I think empathy is a good thing to have, especially in a society where we are more and more distant from each other every day.

I just had to share something I saw recently. We were out to eat, and behind us was a father and son. I couldn't see them, but from the way I heard the little boy talk, I assumed he could not be older than our 2 yo daughter, as his speech was not as developed as hers.

Anyway, the way the dad interacted with his son-- I could not believe. He seemed to not only love his son, but to be IN love with his son. Everything his son did, he got a huge kick out of and went along with. I kept thinking, wow, does that dad have more of a playful spirit than I will ever have . . . what a lucky family.

At one point, the boy got up and started running around the restaurant. He was much older than I would have thought. I think he had some form of autism. The dad went after him-- with a smile (not a fake smile, either, just playful) and eventually got him to sit back down. No big deal, no annoyance, no apparent frustration.

It was a beautiful thing, to see a father and son deeply enjoy each other's company and accept each other so unconditionally. I learned a lot from that family that evening.

Amen!

I had a mom in the office the other day. Her 6yr old son has Cerebal Palsey (sp?) and comes for physical therapy. The parents are divorced and the son lives w/ her during the summer.

So one day she asked the boy what he likes most about being w/ her in the Summer and he said 'You don't yell'. She said she almost fell over as somedays she thinks she can only speak in Yell (there's also a 9yr old brother). I told her it just goes to show that she provides so many little happy moments that mean alot to her kids that she never even realizes and that's what they remeber and waht counts.

kgwlisa, thank you for your reminder that we all go through rough spots. You shared what I had been thinking-- but felt I shouldn't/couldn't post because I am not a mother. I think all too often we judge people or construct a scenario based on partial information. I sure don't want people thinking they know me based on a few overheard words, what's in my shopping cart, or how I look at the end of a long day.

Anele, your story just made me smile. I have a nephew with disabilities and he does require patience-- but what kids don't. They can bring us joy and laughter if we are open to it.

kgwlisa, it sounds like that little guy is giving you a run for your money! There are some things like what you have been experiencing lately that stay in memory even 30 years later! My daughter's plague was ear infections & colic (spelling?). She was 4 mos old, I was 18. MY ex was violent & I was trying to separate from him. We had just moved into a little apartment 2 weeks prior and the entire situation was taking it's toll. After being up for several days with her crying I noticed puss in her right ear. Being so young I didn't understand what was happening and quickly took her to the doctor for help. She had a severe ear infection and because of my lack of experience she ended up with scar tissue. The guilt of not understanding the signs during those long hours of crying (ear pulling)and knowing the pain she endured was over whelming. To say I wasn't going out of my mind because of the lack of sleep & stress would be a lie. Of course I was! Add hormone changes we go through for months after child birth and it's impossible to avoid.

I honestly feel though that what you're describing doesn't compare to what we see so many Mom's doing in public. You had a moment, even if it was your first, it probably won't be your last! And I don't think moments are a reflection of poor mothering. Being a mom is the greatest and hardest job you'll ever have and loosing it once in a while is something we're all entitled to do. However, it's obvious by your post you love your kids and are very good to them. My frustration comes from personal observance. Maybe it's the area we live in, I don't know. Usually at least once while doing my weekly shopping I see a Mother treating her kid(s) less than kindly so Pam's post, the fact that she had the guts to speak up and the kind way she went about it just really hit home.