I could pick out endless scenes from my childhood and young adulthood I would love to go back and re-live and they're all burnt in my memory somewhere. Sometimes they're layered so deeply it takes a smell or the light hitting a certain way to bring them back......and when they bubble up to the surface, butterflies go off in my stomach and I get to taste them again in my mind. However, I think I'd rather talk about something I find for the most part missing in today's lives, and that's the delicious anticipation we don't have anymore. Christmas season didn't start until after Thanksgiving and that month to a child was endless. By that time the weather had turned and it was cold and dreary with the yellow blur of old electric lights and remnants of decor in most houses from the thirties. There were no artificial trees that anyone I know of had, so a Christmas tree didn't go up until right before the big day. The stores didn't have their seasonal merchandise out until the snows flew, either. Christmas shopping was a two week blur of excitement and gift wrapping usually happened the night before. If you had a phone, long distance was something saved for emergencies. You corresponded with friends and family by mail and even if the person to whom you wrote answered immediately, there was a two week hiatus before you got a return letter. I don't ever remember there being a carton of ice cream in our ice box, or a carbonated beverage when I was growing up. They were treats and you got them at an ice cream shop or a soda at the cinema. Speaking of cinemas they were one of the few places you could see a 'movie'. So a film was also a treat. I don't know of anyone personally who had an air conditioner in their homes, either. Summer was summer and nights were hot. Winter was winter and mornings were cold until my Mama would rise and stoke up the coal furnace and I miss the smell of wood and coal smoke on the air in winter. I never even heard of an answering machine until I was an adult, and nobody had heard of a cell phone either. So, if you were away from a phone, somehow you got along until a message got to you. LOL. I miss the privacy of being unreachable when I wish to be. And if you lived in a town, there was never a school so far away you couldn't walk to it or a corner grocery so far you couldn't walk to it either for emergency supplies like a quarter's worth of lunch meat and a loaf of bread. The only people who worked through the night or on weekends were emergency personnel, and everyone was home on a Sunday evening. You waited until early afternoon to see a television program if you were lucky enough to have a set and the test pattern came on again at eleven p.m. Everyone had slamming screen doors their parents told them not to slam, and front porches where you sat and watched the world go by. Not much of anything was instant.

Yes, feeling a little low tonight as I think of my brother Michael. Taken away from us many years ago now, but still very present. He was hit by a drunken driver on his way home after work. The driver ran away immediately afterwards. Saw an old picture a couple of days ago and it only just dawned on me the impact this had on the whole family. In the picture, I felt we were a whole family that had never experienced any major grief. Life was good in our middle class lives. The person that fatally hit my brother was taken to court and we were award a small amount of money. He laughed when he was aloud to go free. He was the top tax man in the South West of Avon in the UK. Free mason and so they do take care of their own there. I knew nothing about this organisation when my father spoke of it, but being a Policeman my father and his colleagues knew who they were. My father was so disillusioned with this experience he retired early and moved to NZ where we still are. The happiness of family life never returned. My father stayed out working for most of the time and we the family felt abandoned in a new country actually living in a isolated spot with no transport. From being surrounded with family and friends from childhood security was always there. The locals seemed quite hostile to us being from the mother country, this is almost no existent now due to the number of Poms now living here. When I was older, I returned to the homeland to meet some of the Police who convinced me of the strength of Freemasons and their influence. I have been offered a couple of times here, but politely refused. Going back to the picture, the loss of my brother, the grief feels so overwhelming. I ask for prayer to help me to sleep, I will indeed pray. My brother was training to join the Household Cavalry. He was officer material the Sargent had said and we were all so proud of him. The man that killed him had gone back to the pub that night and created a cover story in case the police found him. Apologies for jumping like this, just not feeling too happy, and this feels like a good outlet. It has been a long time since anyone wrote on here, but just releasing some of the pain into cyber space just may be a good outlet for me right now. It is 1am in the morning and I must go to bed soon. The horror and grief this person has put us through. Never an apology, even by letter ;o(. Little things the number of my brothers private gun 19, his number 24499694. Memorised since the age of 12 years, I am now 46. The picture has him wearing his favourite jumper and the watch received on Christmas day - he was wearing both of these on the day he was taken from us. They obviously looked very different following this incident. My father once told me, that my brother apparently made a lot of noise - maybe not the best thing to know. We were not there for him, we were warm tucked away in our beds, whilst he suffered in agony. Can you hear my pain? My father has now passed away, my mother becoming more frail and the memories shared.............................. I miss you Michael. Thank you Ian

Starduster, I'm sorry for your loss. You had a very special relationship with your brother and I can imagine that your pain is doubly felt. The first days and weeks are certainly the worst, but it does get better. I think you need to open up a little to your family and friends. I know it's tough, you just want to hide from the pain, but soon you will see others moving on with normal life and you will still be feeling the grief. Get as much of it out as you can now. Talk, reminisce, laugh and cry with others who can share you loss now, because it will be more difficult and awkward to do it later. One of the things I did after Dad died was start a list of all the positive things that happened in the days after he passed. I made note of every little thing I could think of, every random act of kindness, condolensces from strangers, every reunion with family and friends that I hadn't seen in years, even things like the competance and compassion of the funeral director and the preacher at the funeral. I did this because I wanted something positive to grasp onto, to prevent being overwhelmed by the darkness of those days. As I was recording these events and moments, I was amazed at just how much that was good could be found in what was the worst experience of my life. I know that it helped me. Maybe give it a try, before those memories fade or are swallowed up in your grief.

Wonderous, It makes me sad that you and your brother were so close and in the end had to live apart, not to see each other for 2 years. I am much older than you and have lost a lot of people in my life, my only grandmother, aunts, uncles, my sister and my son. I feel lost without my son, and I know you must feel lost without your brother. Please understand that you will never know exactly what he was thinking when his life ended. The hows and whys will be a mystery forever unless he left you a letter detailing why it had to happen. Please do not think that you have to take the same route. You can honor your brother by becoming the best young man you possibly can. Do things in his name that would make him proud of you. Live your life for both of you and keep his name and memory alive. You are very young and have a long time to live so you have plenty of time to figure your life out and to plot where you are going from here. Just always move forward and never stay stagnant or go backwards. Stay strong and remember the good times you and your brother had when you were together. Promise yourself to finish school, become a successful man, get married, have a family and pass along your brother's memory to your children. Put your anguish of missing your brother into positive actions and you will find that you will be a much happier person. I am trying to follow these same things I am telling you as I learn to live without my son. Good luck...take care of yourself.