Hi Susan, I read just a little about the study this morning, as follows: The negative emotions of grief -- yearning, depression, and anger -- following the death of a family member from natural causes usually peak within six months. Grief that lingers for longer than six months "suggests the need for further evaluation of the bereaved survivor and potential referral for treatment," said Paul K. Maciejewski, Ph.D., of Yale, and colleagues. In a bereavement study of 233 mourners, reported in the Feb. 21 issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association, the Yale investigators also debunked the stage-theory of grief, (my emphasis) which is widely accepted and taught in medical schools. That's as far as I got, but it sounds contrary to what you read, doesn't it? My info came from MedPage Today. I'll have to look into it further, but at first glace I have to say I was surprised at the six-month figure and irritated at the quote. I'm thinking a couple of terms need to be defined. "Natural causes," for instance. Also "family member" (there's a big difference between losing an elderly parent and losing a child) and "grief" itself. I don't expect to ever stop grieving for my daughter, although I function pretty well and no longer cry every day. Susan

Vickey, You have my sympathies on the loss of your mother. I think you'll find that you'll experience a wide variety of emotions during your period of grief. It's difficult to predict what they might be, how long they last or how intense they might be. Just be assured that most are within the realm of what is considered "normal". Lack of concentration is something I had to deal with after my Dad died. In my case it was primarily because I felt that mundane tasks were unimportant and I couldn't muster the will or the ambition to care much about them for some time. Eventually it passes. As far as feeling down "for no real reason", you will experience more of that. You may not think you have a reason, but just the absence of your Mom in your life and the void that leaves behind is enough reason to feel down. These feelings will come and go, without warning, and will vary in intensity. It's been 6 months since Dad died and I still have those days. Some will probably tell you that they still experience them years later. Don't worry about feeling down for no reason, just don't let it get the best of you. As for the whole jewelery thing, that's a tough one. I can certainly understand your feelings of resentment and anger. They are justified. By your description, your SIL's acted very inappropriately. Discuss it with your siblings to make sure your Mom didn't make any arrangements to dispose of these things that maybe you weren't aware of. Beyond that, I guess it depends on how strongly you feel about their actions. Confrontation at this time, over such issues can divide a family for a long time, but then again, keeping your anger and resentment inside isn't healthy either. Hopefully someone else will have good advice for you on how to deal with that. Good luck and may God's peace be with you.

Thanks for the input. It can be difficult at times to decide if your are being a codependent enabler or not, and if a boundary needs to be set. Concerning the situation at the hospital with my SIL, she had been making 'snippy' comments to me even before her mother got ill. I was choosing to ignore it, but maybe I shouldn't have. She does the same thing with her oldest daugher - whom she feels isn't living up to her (SIL) high expectations. So...in the hospital my SIL decided she was going to let it fly and her middle daughter (whom she is very close with) followed suit. Just to clear things up, my voice is on the answering machine. We talked to the kids, and we asked them as a "gift" to please include me in the salutation. They didn't really understand why, but they did agree after we spoke further about it. They commented that maybe they were 'subliminally' leaving me out of the greeting because they still had some anger towards their dad for divorcing their mother. During the discussion, they commented on the fact that they wished they could see their father more, and I told them that I would be glad to step back and give them space to see their father alone (without me) more often - if this would help. I told them it was my "gift" to them. So, we are exchanging "gifts". ;)

I'm a stepmom of 2 kids... an 11-year old boy and a 14-year old girl... who live with my husband and I about 80% of the time. I have to say that I'm blessed - they are kind, loving and very respectful kids who have always treated me well. Even given that, I have to admit that I STILL find being a stepmom very challenging. I think like most stepmoms, I came into this situation with the desire to create a happy, harmonious environment for me and the man I married and his children. I still do. I care about these kids, and I want them to be happy and set up to have a successful life, emotionally and in every other way. But over time... again, even though my stepkids are such good kids... I have STILL found myself surprised at the amount of resentment (and sometimes even anger) that has built up in me. It's the result of a few factors I think. A big one for me is that I resent the fact that their own mother doesn't do more. I shared with my husband a few months back that he and his ex need to split the driving duties and other parenting responsibilities 50/50, while I only help out occasionally, versus me doing 70% of all of the pickups and drop offs for school and other activities. (Just because I work from home and have a flexible work schedule doesn't mean that I'm an on-call chauffeur for the kids.) Another big one is that my husband is happy to have his kids around all the time (of course, he's their dad!) while I really need time away from them where it's just the two of us. No matter how nicely I may share with my lovely husband that I need more time with him (i.e. on the third week in a row that their mom wants us to take them during the weekend when she is supposed to have them) on some level he'll always hear it like I am rejecting his children. This has caused major friction in our marriage. His children, their mom's lack of care for them and him making me feel like I need to fill the gap (or I'm not being supportive) is really the only thing we fight about. Before you call me evil, let me explain: So much of being a stepmom is holding your tongue. I really care about the emotional well being of my stepkids, and I don't ever want to say or do anything that may cause them pain or make them feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in my home. I'm not a jerk or anything, I'm a pretty kind person I think. But the amount of stuff that you may want to say out loud that you don't... about the kids, their mom, whatever... it's a lot. On some level, I feel like I'm always monitoring what I do and say. It's tiring. I have to admit that it's nice when they go to their moms, so that I can "turn off" so to speak and just BE in my own home. So I look forward to that time. It also gives me a chance to miss them and appreciate them even more when they come back! I see so many comments attacking stepmoms, and I'm sure there are some majorly s***ty ones out there, but there's also a lot of well-meaning ladies that really do care for the kids in their care. But guys, I'd just ask you to remember that these ARE NOT our kids. Everything we do for them, we do out of love for you. And it can be very draining. A mom gets fed by the unconditional love that flows effortlessly between her and her biological child. A stepmom does not. She gives a lot and really doesn't get a lot back. Overtime, you can start to feel like the hired help, a guest in your own home, and the lowest person on the totem pole. My advice for the original poster? If you're not willing to change the kids' schedule, then offer an alternative that she can work with - hiring a nanny. Seriously. I don't say that to be an a-hole, but really, it sounds like your wife is stuck in what's called a "double bind." She wants to support you by helping you with your kids (she LOVES you, after all) but at the same time, she really doesn't want to be doing most of what she is doing... but by not doing it, she feels she would be letting you down. It's a lose lose. Add on top of that the pain of losing the baby, and she is growing to resent the lot of you. Take the burden off of her. Look into hiring a nanny to carry most of the load. Yes, it will cost you some money, but hiring a nanny is much less expensive than paying for a divorce. Also consider setting a date night for just the two of you once per week that you don't break (and when you do go out, don't talk about your kids!). Much love to you and your situation x