This is a continuation of britbritmay's post to bill - since it's way off the original topic, thought I would just post this one. But it's sort of in answer to some of Jennifer's comments, about whether her husband has "unresolved feelings" towards his ex just because he talks about her.

Mulling it over some more, I have decided that "unresolved feelings" and "anger" are not the right words for the feelings that lead me to vent about my ex (and everything else I have complained about on this site, for that matter) . . . it's more like I don't understand why certain things have happened and I feel the need to dissect them, whether through talking with friends and family, counseling or venting on the Internet - I have done all three. (OKAY, WARNING, LONG VENT COMING AGAIN, SO YOU MAY WANT TO STOP HERE).

For instance, I don't understand why my ex-husband did not appreciate the nice family and nice life we had together. Why he felt the need to play games just to hurt me (and he admitted that's what the cheating was all about - he left pictures for me to find on purpose - just to hurt me).

With the situation with my in-laws (another "vent" topic for me), I don't understand why my FIL judged me just based on what I do for a living. I do understand that many people don't like lawyers and it doesn't bother me in general, sort of like blonde jokes don't bother me - my dad always has a new lawyer joke for me everytime I see him - but to be visibly angry when you find out your son has decided to marry someone and start a family, JUST BECAUSE SHE IS A LAWYER? Not to give that person a chance for the sake of making your son happy, if nothing else - I don't understand that.

And I don't understand the incident with my husband's ex-girlfriend (another favorite venting topic, probably because it ties in with the issues with the family). I don't understand that, if they broke up because she was tired of supporting him, like she says, then why all the anger and bitterness? I wasn't bothering anyone by venting on the Internet, it was all anonymous until she got involved AND it had NOTHING to do with her, but for some reason, she felt the need to call me all kinds of names and insult me in every possible - my morals, whether or not I had common sense, whether I am a good mother, my decision to work rather than stay home with the kids (sorry, I have respect for people who can do it, I just can't)- all this from a person who never laid eyes on me, whom I've never spoken a word to. Then she dragged my ss's BM into it, all of you who are trying to make a "blended family" work can appreciate how helpful THAT was. How frustrating to be just trying to make a situation that is not always easy, work, to make it work for three beautiful, smart, funny, well-behaved boys (okay, maybe the "king of all bad babies", as my five year old aptly describes our 14 month old doesn't fall into the last category - he's a stinker), And all this from someone who later claimed she had no hard feelings against my husband, who hung up the phone on my husband when he tried to talk to her about it and find what her problem was - what, you just f--k with people's family lives FOR FUN? Definitely DO NOT understand that. If you have something helpful to add to a situation that is sometimes not easy, someone who maybe knows because they have been there, done that, and you have some suggestions, I would love to hear them. My husband had a lot of respect for her, gave her credit on our FIRST DATE as having to deal with a very difficult situation. I would have a lot more respect for her and her views and my husband would still have the respect he used to have for her if maybe she played her cards differently - maybe, upon recognizing me, if she offered positive, helpful solutions (and criticism, if she left out the name-calling and insults). Then she could have said she did something good, something positive, for my SS rather than make a mess out of things. I will never understand that.

And I don't understand what happened to Jennifer at her former workplace. Thank you for sharing that, because, at a time when I was feeling a bit bitter over the ton of hours I put in last quarter (today's the first day of the new quarter, so I am slacking off a bit, even though I have a ton of work, just pretty exhausted right now), it reminded me how fortunate I am to work for the firm I work for. All firms require a lot of hours out of young laywers - our time is our stock in trade and there is always the pressure to be profitable. I would have to get a government job to avoid it and I already did that and found it not challenging enough. So even though my firm expects a lot out of me, they give a lot too. My firm understands that they LOSE money big-time if people are miserable and leave, especially new associates. So other than the long hours (which would be anywhere I work), I am treated very well here. People here are very pleasant to work with, it's very much a team effort, not competitive at all. I've heard enough horror stories about other firms to know that this firm is the rare exception. As someone who hopes to be active in the management of this firm one day, can't understand why you would incur the costs of turnover and not cooperating with each other to better service clients.

I also don't understand the whole being concerned with the next's guy's possessions. I know people like that - they obsess constantly over who has what. Who cares? I am sure my secretary drives a nicer car than I do - don't know because we park on different levels of the structure and I've never thought to inquire - but she's at least twenty years older than I am (don't know her age either) and she never had kids. I know she has a bigger house than I do, so what. And about ninety percent of the support staff dress better than I do - with two kids to get out the door in the morning, "barely presentable" is about the best I can manage most days. I would love to be as polished and pulled-together as my practice group leader's secretary and often admire her outfits, jewelry, etc, but not going to happen for me anytime soon - I barely have time to pull my hair back in a pony tail and make sure my clothes match. So, I don't understand why people at your firm were bothered by the fact that you owned a nice car and dressed nicely - doesn't happen here. Nor would I even want the hassle of worrying about who drove what.

Okay, now that I have exhausted the entire list of unexplainable phenomenon, I ask myself the question: is it "healthy" to try and understand these things. I think the answer is yes, to a certain extent. If you understand things, you don't make the same mistakes twice. I will never make the mistake of being with someone who has a routine of playing the nice guy, then doing sneaky things to make me mad on purpose, only to belittle me for becoming angry. My ex-husband would pride himself on the fact that he was never angry - I rarely did see him angry, except the night he blew his top. But it's NORMAL to get angry and lose your temper sometimes. So when my husband and I have a fight, yes, I am mad about something at the time, but I totally appreciate the fact that we do occasionally fight - but we know what we have to work on and we are finding solutions together. As far as relationships go, that's the best I think you can ask for - someone willing to tough out the rough stuff with you and someone who wants to work hard towards the goals you have together. My ex-husband had his own agenda and that was it. There was no room for working together. If I didn't work to understand the difference between this relationship and the other relationship, maybe I would have fallen into another bad relationship.

So what others calling "dwelling" on things, I call trying to understand them so you don't make the same mistake twice. It may take some people longer than others to achieve this. Or, maybe some people have had the good luck to only have situations that are quite easy to find answers to. I don't think this is a male/female thing - I think this depends on events in your life and whether you are interested in learning about yourself and others. It's easy to just dismiss a problem as being not worth your time and then ignore it- I have more respect for people who try to work towards solutions.

But, there does come a point where you have exhausted all possibilities of resolving things so that any more venting, dwelling, trying to understand, whatever you want to call it, is futile. For me, it depends on whether I think the situation is worth fighting for, worth working hard for. It is worth to me to try and get along with my ex-husband as best I can under the circumstances, for my son's sake. But, I am at the point where I am trying not to fret over why he did what he did (just can't help it sometimes, my mind just wanders over to that topic still - but less and less lately).

When all the BS went down with the in-laws and the ex, for awhile I thought it was worth it to try and get to the bottom of things - who said what to who, blah, blah, blah. I think it was because I was trying to prove that my husband and I are good people who aren't out to hurt anyone - just trying the best we can and yes, we make mistakes. But that I have totally given up on - don't care who said what and who thinks what. I KNOW what kind of person my husband is. OUR SON knows what kind of daddy he is. The PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT US (and we are fortunate to be blessed with many people who care about us) know what kind of people we are. That's all that matters - everyone else is welcome to think, say, do what they want. He and I have each other, and to quote Bon Jovi, and that's a lot!

I think I am going to say my good-byes to everyone on this website - I am beginning to wonder how much I really would continue to think about the things I post on this site if I didn't visit this site. Things I read kind of remind me of things that have happened in the past and off I go on a tangent. Maybe when things are a bit less raw for me, maybe I will join back in the fun. This started as a diversion when I found myself in between conference calls or meetings with fifteen minutes to spare. It led me down all kinds of interesting roads. I am glad to have had the experience. I definitely got some wonderful advice on this site - a lot of times I would just read posts and find answers to problems without having to post anything myself. Good Luck to everyone!