I cry for her every day.

13 years ago

I lost my mom on the partially partially partially partially partially October, and can count on less than one hand my good days since.

Mom was fighting lung cancer, and it had begun to metastasized to her brain, apparently further than first thought. Mom slipped with her walker and fell, but her nurse was here in less than 1/2 hour and check her over really well and assured me she wasn't hurt. (that was before 9 am). mom then got her assessment and I got a short list of things to go pick up to help her to get stronger to keep fighting. My brother came over to stay with mom while I ran to the couple stores I needed to go to for the items, right when I was finishing up my brother called and said mom was complaining of a headache. I told him where to find the aspirin, tylenol, advil etc. and said it would be home in a few more mins. when I got there she was listing slightly to the left and said her head hurt. I called 911 who asked if she may be having a stroke, I know the signs to look for so I asked her to smile and immediately saw only one side of her face respond. The paramedics were on the way.

Mom was rushed with me in the ambulance to the nearest hospital, after a quick assessment the attending ordered a CT, and when they returned she showed me a massive bleed in one lobe of her brain and assured me that the neurologist was on the way. She did tell me not to get my hopes up too high as it was a very large bleed and I was asked about a DNR because mom was fighting lung cancer and on a LOT of meds. I had power of attorney to make any and all choices, but still struggled with the idea. After speaking with her sister I summoned up the strength to sign the DNR and see the neurologist. He showed me the CT and the bleed also explaining that it could have started at any point in the day as it appeared to origin on a tumor metastasize. Because of the meds she had been on while fighting cancer, many being blood thinners she was in operable. The hospital promised to keep her comfortable and moved us all to a private room to stay as long as we wanted. I planned to stay the night. But right after my daughter walked in at aprox 1AM my mom's heart stopped and it was over. Thankfully she had slipped into a coma before they even got her to the room and did not require any pain meds at all.

But I ate xanax like candy - I couldn't believe it was gonna to end NOW. I still don't know to live with out her and I am 49yrs old, married with 2 children (22 and 20). I cry daily, I feel completely lost and alone. I don't care about much for myself or what is going on around me. I already have been identified with depression and anxiety, adhd, menapause -which leaves me almost unable to sleep without a sleeping pill. I have a thyroid issue, and now there is a liver enzime out of whack.... I am so over whelmed and feel so alone I find myself hoping something will just end it for me. I don't think I am suicidal as i can't imagine taking my own life, but I feel like I am particially dead already.

I wish I knew what to do because I am terrified and lost each day, some a lot worse than others.

Help suggestions are appreciated!

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Comments (3)

mariend
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My compassion is with you. Please ask your Dr. about a rehab center. There are many services avaiable if you only ask. We have a great one near me and I personally know several people who have gone thru the program. It really makes a difference.
Ninapearl
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
i'm so sorry for your loss. what you are experiencing is completely normal in the grieving process. your loss is so fresh and this is about the time you will be coming out of a fog and coming to the realization that she is really gone.

if you aren't comfortable with one-on-one bereavement support, there is a wonderful online place (groww.com) where you will find a LOT of support. they have a live chat where there are people visiting pretty much 24/7. i could not have gotten along without them when i lost my husband 3 years ago.

all of us grieve at our own pace and in very different ways. believe me, after 3 years, i STILL have nights when i wish i could go to sleep and not wake up. it's a long process but it's doable. your momma would want you to go on, live your life and remember her with the wonderful memories you have. it isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination but you can do it!

(((hugs))) to you in your sorrow.

nina
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brendadaughter
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Trust me, I understand exactly how you feel! I just lost my mom and I`m only 27. I thought we`d have more time togther! I am on several depression meds myself, with xnax being one of them. I was actually taking this before my mom passed because I have OCD, Bulimia, and generalized phobias. I`m sorry that I`m in no position to give you words of comfort because my grieving is still fresh as well. I just want you to know that you are not alone. This world has thrown us so many punches and I actually regret the day I was born! I find more peace when I`m asleep versus being awake because when I`m awake, "reality" sets in. I know the feeling, and I am truly sorry! We just have to have faith in God and know that our mothers are in a much better place! They aren`t suffering like we are!
With much love, take care!

I cry for her every day.

Comments (3)

mariend

Ninapearl

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