"If he stays independent and continues as a consultant will we ever get over the feeling of when does the next job come through?" To me, this sounds like you guys are just looking for some security and certainty. It is a very unsettling feeling to not have a clear picture of how your life is unfolding - especially if you thought you had it all planned. :) So, my advice would be to put a plan back in place based on your current circumstances. eg both of you are independent contractors and need to structure your financial plans accordingly. When your husband does land a permanent job, then it will just be gravy - not a necessity. So, if your biggest concern is benefits, make a plan for how you will address that after cobra. Have you been looking at your options? Remember, when you are 50+, you really aren't looking at a long window until you move onto medicare. If you can have a higher deductible plan for 10 years, that isn't the end of the world. Just find out how much it is going to cost (probably not more then cobra monthly) and then start saving up deductible money. If you had an account with 10 years of deductible money set aside and a good idea of premium costs, I bet you'd feel a lot more secure about healthcare. Honestly, you guys are still on a pretty good trajectory. In 12 years, you'll have no mortgage payments, no debt and nearing or at eligibility for all the social programs (if you need them.) It isn't like you are "starting over" from scratch. You just need a plan for the gap that keeps you on this general path.

Thanks everyone. I feel exactly as you do ibensg, that inside I'm just a little girl that still needs my mom's reassurance. I feel badly too though because so many of my mom's last birthdays we spent apart because I moved far away with my family. Besides losing her and Dad, that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. We were always close though, we talked on the phone every day and I was able to move just a few hours away 2 years ago. I can honestly say she is the best friend I ever had. I miss her terribly. I always will I just know it. On her birthday, my husband and I went out to dinner without kids. He's leaving on another business trip soon and we needed some time together. We toasted my mom and I cried in the restaurant, but it was good to speak of her outloud. Later that night we went through her old high school year book. She was the prettiest one in her whole class. Joanie

I deleted some stuff that doesn't apply to your situation. ............................................................ A couple in my church adopted a little boy whose parents' rights had been severed because of sexual abuse. The first year of life with Daniel was traumatic for all three: Daniel's kindergarten called the new mom to come pick him up because he was approaching children and adults sexually. Daniel went to a few birthday parties & was quickly blacklisted because of his sexual overtures to guests & parents. Daniel & his new parents went to intensive counselling, & the new mom quit her job to take care of Daniel... not only did he need full-time mothering, but he kept getting thrown out of day care. The parents learned that children who have been abused sexually almost always approach others sexually; it's what the children have learned to do for attention, approval, companionship...love, or a cheap facimile thereof. Yet their abusers have also shamed them into keeping the big secret; Daniel never said one word about previous sexual "activity". Based on what you *know* of sexual activity at her mother's house, I'd bet that this young girl has seen, *& been involved in*, a lot more than you know. She'll keep approaching people, girls, boys, grown men, whoever, sexually because *that's what she knows how to do*. ............................................................ Please get some help for this little girl, & keep her safe. If you 'give her back' to someone who's led her a chaotic existence & allowed her to be sexually abused, I think the day will come when you will find it impossible to forgive yourself. I wish you the best.

(((((SadieSadie))))) How hard it is to sit with someone that we've loved almost more than anyone else in the world, and know that they are going, and that it really is for the best, and that there's nothing that we can do about it. I hope that you can take some deep breaths, several times a day, and as you gently exhale, let some of the pain slip away with the breath as it departs. God grant to each in your family the strength and peace in their hearts that will let them take their leave of our Mom with thankfulness and joy. May your Mom go to her new life with peace in her heart, as well. (((((SadieSadie, her Mom, and family))))) ole joyful