five months...

20 years ago

It's been five months yesterday since my husband been killed leaving me to take care of my 5 year old son and a 2 month old, he never had the chance to see. I try looking for a place to just babble, but I haven't found one. It seems we all are going through this together, but everyone's grief is different( do you know). I cried so much yesterday and to make it worse my son comes to me crying that he misses his daddy. All I can say is So Do I,mijo(son in spanish). People say time will make it better, but for me it seems like it's getting worse. If it wasn't for my new born I probably be stuck in bed. I still can't believe he's gone and I expect him to come home and that he was in a witness protection program( ha:( but he's not). I feel like you sometimes Tracy about missing your husband. When I was reading some of your postings it seems like I was writing them. I lost my everything. It would 've been 7 years of being together this halloween. I don't know how I'm going to do it during the holiday's. I hope they pass by fast. But I feel sorry for my son because he shouldn't feel sad. He's just a child he should be happy with his dad. He was a trucker so last Christmas we spent it with him on the road and my son was so excited to go with daddy. I'm just babbling that my son is asking for food... I'm sorry for everyone's loss and I wish we never had to go through all this pain. I'll never understand this grieving.......... I miss him so much. It hurts my heart everyday. I wish everyday he'll come back and God will see me crying that He will bring him back....I know it won't happen, but it doesn't hurt to wish,does it?

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Comments (9)

tjmondragon
20 years ago
Wow you do sound just like me.I am so sorry. I know how you feel.My babies break my heart there are many days I say if I didnt have my babies I would have been gone already. But ive been thinking I guess thats why god gave them to me.But it sure does stink that we have to be here without them.I know what you mean about it getting worse.Its been 15 weeks since my husband passed and it seems to get better but then I fall backwards and when that happens I fall hard.Please feel free to talk to me when you need to.we can all get thru this together.And dont worry I always blabber to, but everyone here is real understanding.when I feel really down I just come here and talk to everyone.You and your children will be in my thoughts. I would say prayers but I have not been able to pray yet im still mad.Just take it day by day thats what i tell myself. hugs tracy
ahf3m
Original Author
20 years ago
Thank you, Tracy. I'm praying for you too and everyone here so days will be better for us someday. I get angry with God sometimes too, but I don't blame Him. I don't think it was their time because of the way they died. I do belive He had His angels to be there and recieve them and comfort them if they were hurting. Atleast, I say that to myself so I won't think otherwise.

My mother in law said they should have put the head stone already, so I'll go by today and see if it's true. I wanted to put a picture of him on it and remind people the way he looked, while the rest of us grow old, but we didn't.
My son comes up to me and tells me he found some coins, a penny and one of those dollar coins. He said he found it at his grandparent's house where his daddy slept. This reminded me of one of the postings 'Penny's from Heaven'. I told him this was from your Daddy and he just got so happy that his daddy is thinking of him in heaven. Now the wierd thing is the penny is the year his dad was born and the dollar coin is the year my son was born. I believe it was meant for him to find. It made me believe alittle,too.
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junemn
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Funny you should be talking about pennies. This morning while I was walking the dog on a trail I decided to talk to my grandson. Felt funny at first but it got easier. On the way back there in the middle of the trail was a shinny penny. I just know it meant something. It made me feel better. I think I'll continue to talk to him when I'm out walking, away from people, of course.
ahf3m
Original Author
20 years ago
I HATE THIS GRIEVING. i HATE BEING ALONE. YES YES I HAVE MY CHILDREN, BUT I STILL FEEL ALONE. I WAS SUPOSE TO BE DOING THIS PARENTING WITH MY HUSBAND NOT ALONE. I HATE THE CRYING AND HAVING TO STOP BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE MY SON SEEING ME CRY. I NEED TO BE STRONG FOR HIM. THE LITTLE ONE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HE'S ONLY 2 MONTHS, BUT I DO FEEL HE'LL GROW UP TO BE A SAD CHILD. WHY? BECAUSE I DON'T DO THE BABY BABBLE A LOVING MOTHER SHOULD DO. IT'S ONLY BEEN FIVE MONTHS AND IT STILL FEEL LIKE IT JUST HAPPENED YESTERDAY. THIS SATURDAY THE HEAD STONE WAS PUT ON....
...I'M STILL PRAYING WHOEVER WAS PESPONSIBLE WILL BE PUT AWAY THEN MAYBE JUST MAYBE I CAN MOVE ON? i DOUBT IT THOUGH......
jlj48
20 years ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please hang in there. Your babies need you. Just one day, one hour at a time. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! Reach out for help. Find solace in friend, church, or grief group. I will say a prayer for your tonight.
Joanie
tjmondragon
20 years ago
Hey its me again, funny how this group works you sound exactly like me with everything you say.My son is in 1st grade and he had been a little mischeivious lately at school and thats real hard on me im trying to deal with losing my husband and at the same time im trying to go on with life like everyone expects us to.I know exactly how you feel with the baby because my daughter is only 7 months now and im not the same with her as I was my son.When I was pregnant with her I couldnt be happier I always wanted a little girl ,but now I dont do the baby stuff either all I do is feed her and wish she would go to sleep I cant handle the crying it makes me crazy its like I have no patients anymore.I went to talk to james van praag he is a medium, he made me feel better about a few things.I think alot about my husbands accident and wonder if he felt any pain or if it was not his fault there was a jeep that his motorcycle hit and I always wonder if it was them playing games and accidentally hit my husband and made him lose control. he always drove very careful thats why I wonder , but james made me feel better he said my husband spirit left his body before the accident happened so he felt no pain.I asked him if my daughter will ever know her daddy he said they already have a special relationship they play together all the time when she stares in the corner of the cieling he is playing with her. he also said that all the wierd things happening around my house is my husband trying to tell me he is ok."and there has been alot of things happen".so he took alot of my worries away now I just wish someone could take my pain away. hang in there and if you ever get a chance to go see a medium go see one they really help you feel better. if you believe.I am so sorry for all the pain you feel because I know your missing your everything but he is with you, please believe that. your always in my thoughts. xoxo...tracy
ahf3m
Original Author
20 years ago
Thank you, Joanie. I appreciate your concern. I'm trying my best everyday. Sometimes I don't feel he is with me, but than once I was down I heard a song on the radio. My husband liked rock music and even started my son liking Linkin Park a lot. Anyways, I was driving and switched to the station he used to listen and the song was from Ozzy Osbourne. I don't remember the title but the words I heard was 'Yes, I'll see you, I'll see you in the other side'. I did feel he was saying it to me, that we will meet again in heaven. A week after he died, I did dream about him a lot. One was very vivid, we were together holding each other and just stared kissing are tears from are face away. To me it felt like he was saying good-bye and he would miss me, he was the one who started the kissing the tears away first.
I haven't had a dream like that for awhile. You know those dreams that its real and even when you wake-up for just half a second you still believe its real. Then you realize its not.
Anyways, how was everyones Halloween? I took my son trick-o-treating with his cousins. He said he had fun, and it was hard for me to keep the tears in afterwards. We both said we missed his daddy....
Now comes the other two holidays...sigh...
My babe loved Thangsgiving Day.
It's going to be double sad that day, because it will be a year that my sister lost her husband in a car accident. Why so much grief in one family in less than a year???

Thank you for just letting me share my thoughts. It seems to help me alittle writing here...'til next time.....
xoxoxo to everyone.
ClintsMom
20 years ago
God bless your heart. I lost my precious 10 year old son two years ago and am still having a terrible time. One thing I have found is that I can make it through this hour, or make it through this day, one step at a time, one minute at a time.
Tessyt
20 years ago
I lost my mother 2 years ago, and I have had such a struggle. There were many days I felt I could not bear this agony, this unbearable pain. Yes, the pain was unbearable, and I don't know how I got through it.

I bought every book I could find on near death experiences and after death communications. Many people, including myself, have had extraordinary experiences regarding life after death. I know this probably won't help while you are experiencing such agony, but I believe, not based on any religion, that there is a great chance that there is life after death.

I must have purchased 75 books, and they helped me. One of them off the top of my head is, "Hello from Heaven". Reading these books also allowed me to share my grief with others and their experiences, their agony. There are many people who have had extraordinary experiences and believe, because of these, that there is a far greater place than this, and there is life after death.

I know, this doesn't help much now, but some day, I believe based on my own evidence, you will be reunited with your loved ones in a perfect world.

May the Great Spirit touch your hearts and give you hope. May he hold you tight because I know your agony.

five months...

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tjmondragon

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five months...

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tjmondragon

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