Hey guys. Thanks so much for missing me. I have been too busy to grieve. God provided a job for me to help my mother pay rent, as the financial situation is precarious. Those of you who read my other post may have picked up on the way my father has treated us since Dan's death. He was the one saying to stop grieving after 3 weeks, that "the Evil One" is getting ahold of you if you cry hard or question. (Which is some kind of defense; he's a workaholic, and his son meant everything to him). Well, we moved here to help him, the business he and Dan had was (is) out of control. We made this decision in the height of our grief, when my mom's important corporate job tried to make her go back after only 2 business days off - even before the funeral! >( So we come here to grieve with him, he offers us both jobs. He needs us, or so we thought, because without Dan.... Yet, after about 2 weeks we began to realize that... this is horrible, the way he's used the tragedy to ... control us. He offered her a comparable salary and cut it in half, she can't even work efficiently because of what a DISFUNCTIONAL working environment it is, and his lecturing, and here's the kicker: my father, who is worth $500,000 but lives in what can only be called voluntary poverty, inherited and absorbed my brother's $37,00+ tuition money and assets, that the young man had earned and worked for since he was 10 or 12. Now, Dan would be rolling in his grave if he knew that Dad was making mom work 60+ hours for less than $500 when he knows that her rent is $1,000. He fired me and I, having no car, immediately landed a lucrative job in a smoky den of sin and immorality (I'm a cocktail waitress/bartender in a busy casino). So I just graduated college with a liberal arts degree and I knew I would have to do something like this to get through graduate school, and I must say: I'm making 3 times the wage my father paid me, which was minumum. I'm also proud to say I stood up to him, as he doesn't seem to think holding me hostage while enraged and telling me I could go jump in front of a bus was that bad of a thing to do. He wants to blame me and continue to fight. "No", I said. "We're not talking this one out. Please, try to live a long life because I need space from you. You set me so far back in the healing process that for my own well being I must say No. What I have to say about the way you've behaved since Dan's death will not sit well with you". "Just say it" *sneer* "No. Everyone deserves the choice to live free of conflict. I know this is hurts you...I love you, goodbye. " and what I wanted to say was that he deserves the pain, ain't no way I can stand for how he's controlling my mom, but I cant say that or he'll fire her. Then again, he's a 50 year old man, he's not going to change. I'm still so confused - I just know that the injustice and his tyranny steams me, and I cannot bear it any longer. We keep praying that she will find a new job too, and fast. We don't know how much longer she can bite her mutilated tongue - she's been doing a great job of eggshell walking - he could fire her on a whim. It's hard for her to find a job when he requires her presence, her position which he initially called "operations manager" went to "executive assistant" and is now "secretary". I am not exaggerating. She runs for his breakfast and lunch, because his rotten refridgerator had to be thrown out when my brother died. And still he thinks he was the perfect father. "I always gave you everything I thought you should have". When I needed him, the one time, to loan me money to get away from my abusive boyfriend, who is one of his best friends and who he gets along with better than me, he refused. He stressed I needed to to it on my own or I would never be a ... worthwhile woman. So I failed at that, seeing as hwo I was dedicated to maintaining my high GPA and minimum wage don't pay the bills part-time. Ever since I chose a roof over my head (I moved back in with said ex 3 days before the tragedy) my father has ... sort of freaked out, about making sure I get nothing I didn't earn. To the extent he's selling my brother's cars, won't even keep them around for me to have the time to earn. To the extreme extent that he keeps talking about writing a will - since I'm his only child there's only one reason he would do that. And finally, finally after all that bull**** we come to Danny. I miss him so much the pain still comes in crushing waves. On a spiritual level I don't think we were misguided by coming here - putting our family back together and healing would glorify Him. Dan would have wanted his father to change over this, to stop pushing us away. Dan loved him despite the abuse. That is so hard for me to work through right now. I'm so mad that Dan had to put up with that crap. I think it should stop. I don't know why I'm being forced to punish my father, as it were, a scary thing, but I fear I am. I keep praying and talking to Dan. And writing. But now I am starting to find things, remember things, and I feel so guilty. Over small things I can't change, that he knew were superficial. Ignoring him when Derek was being mean and sort of turning on him. I just remember his innocent hurt look... "Jeez, Cari". Hurt sooooooooo bad. Like you can't breathe. I wonder why God allows suffering. I wish I could hug him again. I miss him so much. I want to go to church... we just found the perfect one, that I think we were led to, for my mom to network, to worship in the way we feel comfortable. But now I have to work every Sunday morning in that far from holy atmosphere. When I pray as I just did, when it gets too hard to want to live without him I ask to be relieved... and sometimes I am lifted from that low place. I want to see my brothers again so badly, that I must give myself to God, because without the assurance that there is more I am certain I will go crazy. I can't bear it alone, I just can't. This has been a life changing experience for me. I am turning into a different person, sharpened by my burden. I was partying, even partying with my kid brother just over a month ago, settling for the SOS. Giving in, throwing in the towel again at 22. Now.... now I am truly on my own, in a peaceful home with my mom and best friend, where we two support eachother as best we can, as only we can. After a month I the situation has changed - perhaps the fight for survival is good for the soul. I want to reply to the thread about time but ironically, I haven't the time. Going back to work what feels like SO SOON to me and putting it out of my mind for 8-12 hours a day is hard... but I'm amazed to find how strong I am, for the first time without Derek. I don't like this "moving on" feeling. I feel compelled to get something done, to honor his memory. Help someone. Reach out. Make a Dan website.

Yes. Your site definitely inspired us to build one for my brother, so that people can get to know him too. I found his binder from school in his trash can... well school had gotten out so I guess he just threw it away, ha... But inside were some things he had written for his English class that were quite staggering... he used him mother who he loved and missed for a subject. She (mom) knows how to write web pages so when she feels up to it, I'm sure she will. If you didn't see my comments, please check out my "Im new here" post, as I had some thoughts on the similarities between the tragedies. How long after her death did it take to get the memorial website up and running?

I haven't read all of these messages. But I have to tell you that I grew up in a home where my step father treated us like DIRT! Kids were to be seen and not heard! That was his favorite line! At 16 I was ready to move out on my own. Life was horrible. I got NOTHING- yelled at, told I was lazy- you name it. I had to buy my own school clothes my own everything. He controlled the whole household. I never got a kind word spoken to me, never a praise, never a pat on the back. No help for college. NOTHING.... He had his own two kids, to this day he still supports them. They are both lossers. But those two kids got anything they every wanted. I didn't want much REALLY As hoaky as it sounds, I just wanted a dad! Someone I could call dad again- not Phil. I was about 12- had lost my dad two years previous. I missed my dad- I missed my family- we moved out of state. It was a sad childhood. My mom was the calming force. She kept the peace. But it wasn't enough. The constant stress from the day to day living with this man. I stayed out of the house as much as possible. I had a horse. I rode for hours. When that wasn't enough I found a boyfriend. At a very young age I became more 'involved' with my boyfriend then I should have. I worked, anything not to be home. I HATED it! As an adult I would wait for the man I was dating to turn into Phil. See, he wasn't always like he was when my mom married him. He was actually one of the nicest men I had ever met. Until the vows were exchanged. We weren't bad kids. We accepted him. He never could or would for us. I can't stress enough what your doing to your daughter. SHE WILL NEVER forget this. You are destroying her piece by piece. My advice is to leave this man. You will get over the loss- she just might never get over what he is doing to her! I know this man your married! Not in the literal sense, but I LIVED THIS...... I still think about my 'lost' childhood from time to time. But you know what, I BEAT him.... I'm succesfull! I'm happily married with two kids. I have a wonderfull relationship with my mom and brother. And my husband is NOTHING LIKE HIM! My mom left him about 6 years ago. Sad it took that long. My brother who was younger then me, lived with him from a small boy up. I see the horrible traits of Phil in my brother. My brother grew up thinking he was dumb. He drifted from job to job. NEVER a harder worker, but he had trouble reading and writing. So he'd drop the job as soon as more responsiblity was sent his way. It was sad.... He's just recently regained some of his self esteem. He's 29 years old! Took him all this time. He's found his place in life. So have I! Guess what! I can even eat food in my living room LOL.... So can my kids.. I'm sorry if this is harsh and I'm sorry it most likely didn't make sense. If it helps your 16 year old daughter then I'll sleep better at night.... HUGS to you and your daughter. Kristi

"Meticulously" enjoy it. Would it matter if it was worth two dollars? Two hundred? We all exit the world empty handed. Enjoy it while you're here, or make a lifetime search for exactly where it came from or what it is. It's a tea pot. You bought it because you liked it. Whatever you paid was commensurate with the degree of that affection, yes? Make some tea and relax ? Unless you're the curator for a museum, it's safe to say most folks die with no clue as to everything they "have : ) ( You can skip Replacements> After 27 pages.....no images. Yes, at five am I tried that , which makes me a little nuts. Or avoiding the work /invoicing.......I didn't feel like doing !" )