My 58 year old mom died in her sleep on May 12th of last year. There's not one day that goes by when I don't think about her and feel the horendous guilt that I have over not talking to her for the two years before her death. We had a falling out over certain family issues and I, being the sutbborn girl that she raised, stopped talking to her. I never thought that it would span 2 years and especially never thought that now, for all eternity, I'll never get to speak to her, hug her, laugh with her, etc, ever again. I never got to say goodbye and and tell her that I loved her so much and that she was the best mother ever to me and sorry for that silly argument. It eats at me all of the time, but I can now cope with it. I realize now that she knew how much I loved her and that she loved me more than anything. She understood how I was feeling and why I didn't speak to her. She was my mom after all. Mom's know those things. Just remember, the few bad times we have with loved ones don't count nearly as much as the millions of wonderful times we had. When the bad thoughts come, try and replace them with happy memories. It's made me a much stronger person and has helped me cope tremendously with all of the guilt I have.

Heather, I had an experience that was so real. I wanted to share it with you in hopes that it will help you with your loss. I know how hard it is to be here without your mother. My pain is great too but I was comforted by God. Here's what happened: I loved my mother so much. I was an only daughter so she was my mom, my sister, and my best friend. One day she was in the hospital, she had emphysema and I knew that she did not have much longer to live. I remember standing in the shower and saying prayers for her to get well. I live 400 miles away from her and could not be at her side. At the very moment that my prayer ended I received a reply. The response came to me first from my heart and then to my head. It said, "Why all the prayers if you do not go see the person?" At that moment I had greater wisdom then so many in my position. I ran from the shower dripping in a towel and hugged my husband in tears. I told him I have to go, my mom is sick. I have to spend as much time with her as I can. He said go. Be with your mom. I quit my job so I could spend as much time as possible with her. From that point forward I had four wonderful years with her helping to ease her pain and fear before she passed. And my story does not end there.... My mother did finally pass and of course I was devastated and beyond grief. I cried a solid two years. My heart would not heal. At night I would dream of her. She would be sick and I would be there praying for her to make it though it but she didn't and when I awoke, I knew the dream was for real. I had a very, very hard time moving on. I could not stop crying. Hardly for a moment. My face was raw from the salt of my tears. And then again one night I was having another nightmare dream about her. I remember sobbing in the dream. But this time a young man in a suit came a placed his hand on my shoulder. At that moment I felt safe and I just knew that he was an angel. I knew it was okay to go with him and I did. We began to walk and he spoke to me. I will never forget his words, "You have no idea how fortunate you are. You are going to have the opportunity to sit down and meet with God. So many people would love to have this chance that you are going to get. God wants to speak to you about your Mother. You are suppose to share this with others and he knows that you will." Then we reached a room and he said, "This is not how it is, we have created this for your benefit. God will come in and he will look like an ordinary man." In this room was a big desk with a chair in front of it. I felt like I was in a job interview. I sat in the chair and I waited for a moment. A tall dark haired man came into the room. I could not tell you all his features just that he was wearing a very nice suit and tie and he had big loving eyes. He knew my name reached across the desk to shake my hand and said, "Hello Nicole. How are you?" I must have squeaked a hello and a okay. Then I saw his big brown eyes. These eyes gave me a feeling of intense love. They seemed to look into my heart and shoot safe and soothing feelings at me. And he said this to me.... "Nicole, I want you to know your Mom is okay. She's not alone. She's with me and she's happy. It's okay, she's not alone." He seemed to know that a huge part of my grief was that I was separated from her and I didn't want her to be alone without the family. I knew that was a big part of my grief. He kept stressing that she was with him and not alone. Then he said, "She's happy, she's not sick anymore and she can breathe." I was sobbing at this point just sitting in that chair. I could hardly look at him. Then he asked, "Would you like to see her one more time?" "Oh, yes, please, yes, yes, yes!" was my answer. "Okay, we're going to set that up for you." and he called the angel back into the room. He told the angel, "We're going to go ahead and set it up for her to see her mom. Go ahead and take her to the room for her to see her." I was brought to a big room. It was lowly lit with chairs all the way around the room like a reception room at a doctor's office. There was a door across the room and through that door came my mom! She didn't look sick anymore. She looked like she did back in the 1970's. She was so pretty. She ran over to the chair next to mine and hugged and kissed me. I could smell her hair. I hugged her neck and kissed that favorite spot on her temple. I loved her so much. I told her that over and over. She told me she loved me too. The she spoke sharply to me, "Stop worrying about me. I'm okay. I'm not alone. You have a whole life ahead of you and a wonderful husband. Go back and be a good wife to him. Be happy again!" She was kind of mad at me. All I could say was that I knew she was right. Then she said she had to go back and I have to go back. I said okay. She got up and went back through her door and as she did, I turned and went back through my door. As soon as I passed though my door. I could see my body sleeping in the bed. I sped like a bullet to it and as soon as I hit my body I woke up. Then I went back to sleep and the whole dream came back to me the next morning. I hope this will help others with their grief. I have more to share if you think it might help. I don't know why I was chosen for this, I am an ordinary woman and not so perfect and good. I have sins too. But I do seem to have a special connection and I know that I am blessed. Respectfully submitted, Nicole

Reading all of your posts have made me realize I am not alone in how I feel about losing my Mom.. I lost my Mom Sept 10th 2010 she died of complcations of a debilitating stroke that she had a year prior.. It was my worse nightmare her dying as when she had the stroke in 2009 she didn't really know me most of the time and she had no idea where she was or what happened to her and could do nothing for herself so really i lost her twice.. I had went to visit her the night before she had her stroke and I stayed late and she walked me to the door i can remember her waving goodbye to me how did I know that would be the last time she would do that or be the same person.. I feel guilty for leaving her that night but I didn't know this was going to happen.. I always called her every morning to make sure she was up and had ate and taken her pills but she didn't answer the phone ..I wasn't concerned as she sometimes slept late so I waited a little while and called again she still didn't answer so I called her neighbor and asked if she had seen MOm and if she would go to her apt and check on her I just was not thinking anything was wrong..Her friend did and she said Mom didn't answer the door but she said it sounded like she could hear Mom's voice.. So I got myself together and went to her apt we had a hard time getting in as she had locked the screen door. When we got in I found Mom on the floor in a sort of a twisted uncomfortable position ,I said Mom what happened do you know who I am and she said yes that I was her Mom I knew something was wrong , we called the emergency squad and they came and tried to get Mom up and to stand and her legs were like rubber and she was not speaking things that made sense the apt was a mess as she had been stumbling and falling trying to stand or get some where she had bloody bruises on her arms . We got her to the hospital and they xrayed her and ran tests she had had a very bad blood clot stroke that should have killed her they said but didn't it left her paralyzed on her whole right side and plus affected her sight as she saw double it was bad.. They told me there was nothing they could do she stayed in the hospital for 4 days and then told me I had to decide something ..I knew I couldn't take care of her by myself as I had severe back problems and she was going to need 24 hr care I had no other siblings or no other family close and my Mom nor I had the money to hire someone to help me.So against all I beleived and didn't want to do i had to put her in a nursing home something I swore i would never do .. The year I had her in there was a nightmare in itself,I had to fight with them not literally but you know what I mean to get them to take care of her right I was always upset everytime I visited her as I knew things were not right I would talk to them and ask why ,they would always blame it on some one else she had MRSA twice while she was there and an infection of the colon called C-Diff both staff infections were very contagious.. I talked to people outside of the nursing home to try to get help and called the state and couldn't get anything accomplished they don't care about elderly people and maybe because Mom was on Medicaid maybe that was not good either..It just was a living nightmare I was so upset all of the time after I would leave seeing her it affected my health and I hated seeing Mom like she was as she would not want to have lived if she knew she was having to depend on someone else to do everything for her and she was totally bedfast.. I was the only one to go and visit her as all other family was far away and the nursing home knew that and i think they took advantage of it I tried to go at different times but it didn't help it was just so hard and my husband was not a supportive person for me so i was dealing by myself which was very difficult.. She very seldon knew who I was she could talk at times and sometimes she was silent I continued to talk to her..The times she knew me and was able to tell me she loved me i will cherish in my heart..I was with her the day and through the night till the next moring when she passed holding her hand and singing to her as I always did the whole time she was in there..I would try to get her to sing with me the songs she knew to try to keep her mind alert and talking.. I just have guilt of having to put her in the nursing home and how she had was taken care I understand nursing home are short staff but I think they could do better then they do ,there were a few that really cared and did a good job but most of them could have cared less and the ones that would take the time and do a good job they would let them go so sad.. I miss my Momma so much I miss her voice being able to ask her things and hugs she was my best friend and was there when no one else was always..I feel when she died a part of me went with her there is an emptiness inside of me .. We don't know how it feels to lose a parent or anyone until we experience it ourselves.. Some people can just deal and get on with it ..Lot of people don't want to hear how you feel or what you are experienceing and we need to be able to talk about our loved one it does help.. Some days are so overwheming that I don't I am ever going to be able to deal and then a few days will go by and I am ok but My Mom is always in my thoughts each day.. I know she is by my side at times or comes in my thoughts ,I really don't think it is going to get easier the pain at times is so great..It is just so lonely at times.. It is hard to keep it all in some days I will just cry alot till its all out then i will be ok ..The strangest things will set the crying in and comes on me when I least expect.. My heart goes out to each one of you that has lost a loved one and know I understand and feel your pain.. I do know that if it was not for my faith in God I would be in worse shape then i am I know that he helps and that crying and talking about your loved one is part of the grief process.

Peacewalker Hello. It sounds similiar to my situation. My dad is gone 13 months now. He was the glue of our family. After he left I moved my mom in with me. They were married 39 years. She is still not herself. Anyway, after she moved in with me, I became very angry. here i was 35 married with 2 kids and on my own for years and now all off a sudden i was reporting to my mom. It wasnt a good thing. We all miss dad very much and it seemed to me that everytime i look at her i just remember that my dad is gone and never coming back and it hurts. My mom wont even stay in a house by herself now and I told her I cant be with her 24-7. I have a life and I am still grieving too. We faught and it seemed to me that she was walking on egg shells around me. It made us both very uncomfortable. She is now living with her sister and that seems better. I realized that my mom just doesnt want to be alone and really doesnt know how to be alone. When my mom was at my house, evertime I looked at her, all I thaught about is that my dad should be here too. Its not fair. I was mad. Well anyway its never easy to re-adjust your life after something like this happens. But in reality we still have to be there for each other. I talk to my mom daily on the phone and she comes to visit 2-3 times a week. Its hard seeing her alone. I dont know what is worse....losing a parent or watching the other parent being lonely. It all sucks. Just try to do the best you can. I dont think its really reporting to them...I think we are the only good thing left in there lives and they want to cherish every conversation they can. I cant even begin to imagine myself in my moms shoes. It has to be terrifying to realize your love of a lifetime is gone and now it only you all by yourself. Very scary thaught. Parents try to give there kids the freedom they need but I think when something like death happens.. it scares them and they just want to hold onto whatever it is that gives them comfort. And as you know, the kids are the ones who offer comfort. We are the only ones they can trust and confide in. The best advice I can give you is to take time out and call your dad. Just value what ever time you can. Someday they wont be here either. Best of luck to you.