I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult it is to lose a child. I can understand your sense of loss though, as I just lost my beautiful mother and friend 5 months ago at the age of 50 to a horrible auto-immune disease. At times I feel like I can get through my loss just fine and I am still the same person, then other times the loss hits me like a ton of bricks. Sad to say but I know we will be dealing with our feelings of grief for the rest of our earthly lives. If theres one thing I learned from the passing of my mom, it's that each day is a gift from God. None of us are gauranteed a tomorrow, and we need to live in the moment and live for each day. Make your life and your actions count, and be a person your son would be proud of. I know it's probably hard for you to think about the future without your son, because it's so hard for me to think about my future without my mom. I cannot imagine not having her at my wedding, seeing me have children and all the other milestones I have before me. All I know is this- take things one day at a time. One day you will be reunited with your son. He is not gone forever, just as you will not be in this earthly life forever, so the pain and sorrow can only last so long. I know he has passed much sooner than he should have, but some day we will be with our loved ones in paradise. Until then, treasure your time here with your other son's and loved ones because as we have learned, our world can turn upside down in a heartbeat, and things rarely turn out the way you thought they would. Your son knew you loved him, and he would want you to be happy. Cry when you need to and remember him always, but always keep in mind that you WILL see him again. Right now he is in heaven with my mom and they are both thankful to be in a perfect place where they can avoid misery and grief like we are dealing with now. Hang in there, and remember you are not alone. You are here for a reason and make the most of your time on earth so you can fill your son in on everything you did here when you see him in heaven someday. That's what I want to do with my mom too. Take care, Lisa

WOW! From the bottom of my heart Thank You Thank You Thank You all! I loved and greatly appreciated the hugs and support, commiseration and encomium. I guess it's true: misery loves company! Although I am so sorry anyone has to feel stress during what should be an exciting, wonderful time. (Guess this applies to both remodeling as well as child-rearing, although it's laughable to think either could be without stress! Thats why two of my favorite parenting books are The B**ch in the House and Mothers Who Think.) You know the way the child of an alcoholic might be reluctant to ever drink for fear of turning into their parent? For me, that's the way I feel about yelling. My mother was mean as spit and her yelling was ugly, personal, belittling and usually segued into hitting. I'm sure this is why my yelling at my children rattled me so. I waited a long time to start my family (I was 34 when I had my first) so that I could go through therapy to ensure I did not turn into my mother. (I think this is common here in the States, not wanting to turn into our parents!) So more than you know, I sincerely, deeply appreciate the comments of telling me I handled it well and that I'm a good mother and haven't scarred my children for life. That's my biggest fear -- I mean, I am terrified of heights, but the fear of hurting my children paralyzes me. Yesterday (day after yelling) my 3.5 year-old and I attended a birthday party, dressed, at his urging (this was not a costume party), as Spiderman and Spidermom. He wanted everyone to know "we're superheroes together!" After we got home, my 19 month-old asked me for a "tickle-cuddle," so I guess they've both forgiven me as well as moved past it. Kids are more resilient than I give them credit for. Phew! hilltophome, I think you are right, that I need to just put the cats in the basement (where we hang out lots so they won't be without human companionship) because their long-term well-being is much more important than their short-term sun-worshiping. And with a wonderful user name like cat_mom, I bet she'll agree! kitchenkelly, thank you for the use of your morgue drawers! Even though I have a foul mouth and talk a big talk, I'm a pacifist, so I'm really hopeful I won't borrow them. But it'll make an excellent threat to the next jerk who crosses my path! (re: my foul mouth: The night of the dirty bathroom, my 3.5 year-old asked his daddy "Why's Dux [his name for me] 'so f***ing angry?'" Ahem.) Francy, thank you both for letting me know you've walked in my shoes as well as saying I handled it well! Coming from you, who has such a sweet presence here on GW, means a lot. raehelen and hilltophome, thank you for reminding me of two of my favorite self-soothers: chocolate and exercise. I really do need to just put the kiddos in the buggy and go out for a walk! Fresh air can do wonders. And if there's a chocolate treat for the three of us to have midway on our walk, all the better. (This is how I know the boys are genetically mine: they both love chocolate. One of my proudest achievements Â.) divamum, thank you for your impeccable list of daily to-dos and reminder of how hard this is supposed to be .... I'd really thought I was prepared after months of reading (hardships) here on GW, but clearly for some of it I was not. Need to renew my prescription for Perfect Pills! (note to self: first discover "Perfect Pills") plllog, thank you for telling me to forgive myself. Sometimes that can be the hardest thing for us to do, no? I remember a few years ago a casual acquaintance and I were chatting about how we never, ever heard our parents apologize to us when they were wrong, and how much it would have meant to us to have heard it. Not just because it would have made us feel appreciated but also because it would have been a great model for us in terms of how to behave. Thank you. And I loved your note about my husband relating to spa day! Now there's a brilliant idea. .... polly929, my hero! I am so sorry about the past two years -- hopefully this leap year will signal the start of something good for you. Bless your heart for working in healthcare (what you must see ...) and having no foul-language filter -- love it! socalthreems, I have loved following your kitchen and I am grateful for your nice note. I am with you on the no-smoking! And thank you for suggesting those ground rules. They are superb and have already (because of your suggestion) been passed on to the GC. Also, thank you for your perfect description of "feel[ing] the steam rising." That's it! But it seems like lots of the parents with whom I casually chat 'round here are either big-time prevaricators or Stepford Mommies; they absolutely deny getting frustrated with their kiddos (or occasionally bored with hanging out with toddlers all day long). That's when I wonder what in the hell must be wrong with me to feel this way? Many thanks to you and Francy for telling me I'm not alone. westsider40, from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry about ez (which could not be more apt a description!). I guess it's just easy for me to chalk it up to cultural differences, but I guess some people are just born that way. One silver lining for me is that living with my ez has made me so much stronger, forceful than I ever thought I could be. Because of dealing with his non-presence in many areas I've found a voice (okay, a yelling voice the other day!). I would rather he step up to bat every so often, but I do like the feeling of the empowerment I've developed while living with him. flyleft and mommycooks, thank you for your generous, unconditional support! Such kindness from people I donÂt even know. You and your notes are what should be in one of those MasterCard "Priceless" commercials! And, flyleft, the insurance with which I'm having trouble is ... United! Imagine that. I am so ticked about this, that medical insurance agencies are for-profit entities, and that now many of them are transferring their call centers off-shore, to minimize what they have to pay (US taxes, US salaries, US health care to their workers, etc.)! I guess I may be one of the stupidest people alive because for the life of me I still cannot understand why denying people legitimate, preventive / proactive healthcare is not as good as letting them get sick, suffer and / or die, or making them wait so that the treatment they will require ends up costing the insurance company even more. Seriously, what am I not getting? You all are amazing. IÂll never forget this.

i'm so sorry to read you will be losing molly. this is such a hard decision to make but in the end, we must lay our pets to rest with dignity. i commend you for seeing that it is time to send molly over the bridge. each time i have done this, i have made a special day happen. i take my pet with me everywhere i go, we go to favorite places, just the 2 of us. we walk through the woods for some quiet time, go through the drive up window for a cheeseburger, just spend the day together making memories. on the day i take my pet in or in some cases, have my vet come to the farm, i choose a special treat, one i know my pet would love but has always been forbidden to have. usually, it's a hershey bar. when i know the time is near, we go outside and sit under a shade tree or out in the sunshine and we share a hershey bar. i get one little square, my dog gets the rest. it seems to help me come to terms with it all. maybe you could make a special day for just you and molly to spend together this weekend. it can be a celebration of her life. and on monday, hold her close to you and let the love in your eyes be the last thing she sees and your soothing voice be the last thing she hears as you ease her pain. (((hugs))) i am so, so sorry.

Thanks for all the input! I had already read about the leveling method before and am glad to see it confirmed here. I probably will have to play with the mortar thickness in places, because the coping pieces are not all of uniform thickness. We dragged them into the backyard this past Saturday and layed out a couple of pieces in the most curviest part of the pool. My pool is of an odd shape but actually somewhat rectangular, if that makes any sense without drawing... Is a heavy-duty tile saw something I could use to cut the stone? I have cut both cement and tile with both a circular saw as well as a tile saw respectively before and I would love to be able to avoid dust or getting shocked or cut while trying to use the circular saw with a wet sponge ;) @renovxpt: no worries about your first response! I am both determined and foolish enough to tackle this myself and I really appreciate the feedback. You can email me at sunkid @ iminurnetz . com (no spaces, obviously) and I would be happy to post the images here. If you want to post them yourself, upload them to a free hosting service (e.g. imgur.com or Google's picasa) and then add a link to your post's text like so: <img src="url of your image">