My 98 year old mother passed away

barbarat

Today mom died in a nursing home and I don't know if I'm in disbelief or what. I feel nothing. She's been ill for so long and I just can't cry or feel any emotion. What gives? Anybody else been in this state?

SaveComment11Like
Comments (11)
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
gardenbug

Some of us do our mourning before hand. For others it may take a while to creep up on us.
My Mom is alive at 91, but no longer really my Mom. I miss the phone calls and chats, the wealth of information she shared on history, family, art, travel, current events....Dates, like her birthday and anniversary, Christmases past...all make me pensive still. I don't think she was The World's Greatest Mom, but she was the best she could be, a fascinating lady, and I miss her a greast deal.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
derryw

It will come, Barbara. Perhaps when you see her,or go to make her arrangements, or go through her things. Sometimes it just takes a while for something to "set in". Grief is a very individual thing.
Sounds like she had an illness of some sort. That is a shame. Were you able to be with her as she died?
Be patient and kind to yourself just now. I expect your Mom would want that. Shalom, Derry

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
lulie___wayne

Barbara, I don't think it matters if they are young, old or sick or what. I lost my 19 year old daughter trying to save our dog's life. I felt nothing at all for a long time. Never shed a tear in the hospital (15 hours brain dead) never cried at the wake or funeral. I think I was numb. I felt nothing either. I was in shock and I guess I couldn't really believe that this was happening.
The fact that your mom was maybe sick, may have a lot to do with it also. I just lost my mom on June 3 and she had been sick for a while. Being that I have the faith that I do, I know that she is better off now. I'm not saying that I don't think of her often and remember how wonderful she was when she was not sick. I do, and it's those times that are sad for me. You will grieve, and it may take months. Sometimes people go years, believe it or not. It will come when your body is ready to handle it. It may also come a little at a time.
Do what you have to do now and don't feel guilty about what you are not feeling. It's normal.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Lu

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
PRO
Nell Jean

It's not unusual to be left kind of numb after the loss of someone who had a long illness and you've already grieved the loss of their companionship and closeness. Grieving takes different forms. You may find that something very insignificant may trigger some emotion when you don't expect; maybe not.

There's no 'recipe' for grieving. You're okay.
We're glad you've decided to join us.

Nell

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
dcrowex

Barbara, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I think numbness is very normal duing this period and your rush of emotion will come, perhaps when you least expect it. Sometimes, the shock of losing someone, added to the things that must be done to prepare for a funeral, do not allow us to feel that surge of emotion yet, because thre are things that needs to be done.
Glad you came here and we want you to share your sorrow with us and let us help.
My deepest sympathies for the loss of your mom.

deb

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
des_arc_ya_ya

Barbara, you've already been told what I would have said. Just want to add that my dad's funeral was one of the few in my life that I did not shed tears at!! I loved him dearly and we were very close. It was just such a unreal experience that I had lost him that it never really "hit" during the whole week of it happening. I think sometimes that's "nature's" way of protecting us from some of life's worst events to us.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
starduster

Barbara, 98 is a wonderfully long life. I hope she was not ill for a long time. You may feel in your heart that you knew this would be her time and it has prepared you.

I want to extend my deepest sympathy on the loss of your Mother, no matter what age, your heart still feels and the memories are all there.. I know you will cry soon enough and you will feel the loss as the days go by... her pictures, her drawers her personal things, even her dresses in her closet.. I'm sure your time to grieve is there.. waiting for you.

Again, I am so sorry..

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
PRO
Nell Jean

Barbara, just wanted to say I continue to think of you during this time.

Nell

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
barbarat

I want to say thank you to all for your caring in helping me to understand my feelings at this time. It took me some time but now I'm grieving and I know Mom is in a far better place. Thank you again.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
joycefereira

My mom passed away on June 7th, 2014, at 98 years old. That was one year ago, and I am now feeling the panic of missing her. She had been in a nursing home for a long time, and our communication was spotty. Now it's hitting me; after all, I'm no kid any more! But I really want to go home again! Is that weird?


Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
sylviatexas1

I'm so sorry.

No, it isn't weird.

I think all of us want to go home again at some time.

Maybe it's grief, maybe it's wanting to be someone's child again...

When I was in my late 20's or early 30's, I was going through a stressful time.

I began to have a recurring dream.

In real life, my grandmother's house was a tumbledown, worn-out old house that she'd had moved onto her lot, so it wasn't very level; the floors sort of went every whichway..

It always needed paint, & the windows were never perfectly clean.

The linoleum floors were worn out, creased & buckled, the house was cold in the winter & hot in the summer, & the kitchen always smelled like dishwater.

My grandmother had been a very old lady, bent from years of childbearing & hard work, & her clothes were always faded.

Her white aprons were dingy.

In my dream, it was always a sunny, blue-sky day, & I was "going home" for Thanksgiving.

I would turn my car down the little dirt road & see, to my amazement, that the house was perfectly straight, & it was bright white with fresh paint.

The windows were crystal-clean, & I could see the cheery flames in the Dearborn heater.

Just as I arrived at the door, my grandmother would fling the door open & said, "Sylvia! Come on in this house!"

She was chipper & cheery, & she was standing up straight, wiping her hands on her snowy-white apron.

Her dress was bright & crisp.

The house smelled like coffee & bacon.

I said, "They told me you were dead!", & she laughed & said not at all, that she'd always be here for me.

I dreamed that dream because, even 8 or 9 or so years after my dear grandmother had died & her house had been torn down, I wanted to go "back home", where I'd always been safe & happy.

You & I are fortunate that we have warm memories of "home" to comfort us & maybe to make us smile.

Take care.



Save    
Browse Gardening and Landscaping Stories on Houzz See all Stories
Universal Design My Houzz: Universal Design Helps an 8-Year-Old Feel at Home
An innovative sensory room, wide doors and hallways, and other thoughtful design moves make this Canadian home work for the whole family
Full Story
Kids’ Spaces This Designer’s Client Was Her 10-Year-Old Son
What do you give a boy with a too-babyish bedroom when he’s approaching double digits? See for yourself
Full Story
Modern Homes Houzz Tour: 800-Year-Old Walls, Modern Interiors in Provence
Old architecture and new additions mix beautifully in a luxurious renovated vacation home
Full Story
Inspiration for some backyard chats
Inspiration for a warm welcome
Inspiration for dinner time under the stars
Inspiration for a little quality time
Inspiration for making that best pizza ever
Michael Nash Design, Build & Homes is a remodeling company, focusing on complete kitchen, bathroom, basement &... Read More