Dear Joanie, I know how you feel. Hang in there... I lost my brother suddenly & unexpectedly just this past July. He was only 48. It has been such a shock. We are still trying to deal with him being gone. I never thought he would be the first to go. This is the first time I have lost someone whom I loved so much. The hardest part is watching our mom grieve. She is having such a hard time even though she is a very strong person. Thank God she is still in good health. There has not been a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I miss him so much. We were on vacation when he had the masssive heart attack. He was on life support for a couple days & held on until I was able to get home...he passed on his own about 2 hours after I got to the hospital, so I was able to talk to him & reassure him I would help take care of things. Just thinking about the sequence of events, the initial phone call & just reliving the sinking feeling when I first got the news, then when I got to the hospital & talking to him. I kept asking him to wake up, but it was not to be. (he had been brain dead since the afternoon he had the heart attack--the EMT's tried reviving him for 20 min. & then got him to the hospital.) I keep thinking of whether he was hurting or what he was thinking those final moments. Thinking of all the events, the funeral, everything. I wonder sometimes if he can see everything going on since he's been gone. Like you, I function best TRYING not thinking about this. I try to block it out, but I wonder if it's a "healthy" thing to do. I wonder if thinking it through, talking about it, & crying it out, will get the pain out of my system. There are times when I sit & start thinking & I have to stop myself...it's just too painful. I miss him terribly & can't imagine what it's going to be like without him anymore. We used to be regulars at our Sunday Masses, now, because of time constraints & having to help take care of mom, I am lucky when I can get myself to church. When I am there, the emotions let loose. I know he must be in Heaven watching over us. (I had the previledge of baptising him before he passed.) I know it's only been about 6 months, people keep saying it will take time. Everyone was great at the beginning. I had a great support system. Now, everyone has gone on with their lives. I am alone in my grieving. Even my husband has commented that it's time to move on. He commented that even though my brother is gone, our daughters & he are still here & living. I know he's been very patient, but he has not been emotionally support at all. I've been told, "Men are wired differently." I can deal with that...I know now, that no one understands what it feels like, unless they've experience a loss themselves. I have been to a couple different grief counselors...it always turns out to be a crying fest for me, so I have not gone in a couple months. I hesitate to call any of my "friends" to talk about things, I don't want them dreading our conversations, so I just don't call them. To add insult to injury, we are going through a messy & emotional probate with his wife. (Another long story, but in a nutshell, she thinks we are trying to scam her out of things & is totally paranoid, when all I have done is help her since my brother passed away. We are doing everything by law & trying to follow what his wishes were. Unfortunatly, the draft of a living trust he had can't be used because it was never finalized.The marriage had its share of problems & my brother thought they might be divorcing a couple years ago.) It has been a slap in the face that she is thinking this way, she has not once said Thanks for your help & support. Her behavior shows great disrespect for my brother. Going through the holidays was very rough for me...I am glad they are over. Thank you for listening...I don't know what the answer is to lessen the pain. I wish I knew & I could pass it on to everyone who has ever lost a loved one. For me, I hope that once the probate process is over, we can start grieving properly....take care & I send you a great big hug.... Mary

I actually facilitate two groups using the GriefShare curriculum........I know it helped me when my husband and I attended a group. And my members now tell me that it is helping them. But each person is different and what works for one, might not work for another. These groups give the members opportunity to learn about the grieving process but also to share their feelings with each other. One of the groups is specifically for those who have lost a child, the other is mainly widows and widowers. I have lost a daughter, both parents and a brother so I can relate on some level to just about everybody. I haven't lost a spouse, but I'm learning about the unique challenges that that type of grief has and feel that I am relating better to that group. Angela

How long were your parents married & did they have a good relationship? Clearing out his stuff will be hard. I did it a few days after my dad passed because his room was needed. I remember cleaning out his closet and thinking this was what his life came to - his stuff in black bags. My parents while married for 40 years, were more just living together. Something came out of my mothers mouth less than 12 hours after he passed - I swear my mouth hit the ground. I saw her 2 weeks ago for the 1st time in 9 months - she said something really cold that I had to blow off - something to the effect of - life goes on (she was telling me how all his stuff got thrown out), you have to get over it - I don't know why you're so upset - well I guess I was with my parents too - I just didn't love him like that - I felt sorry for him I'm glad you found comfort. When the plants started waking up in the spring, it also brought me peace. I also bought a rose in my dads memory called Unconditional Love. For me, it helped to plant it and see it grow & bloom. Everyone is different. Not everyone deals with death the same way. You know what is right for you, but it may not be right for your mother. Take something to remember him by. Put it in a shadow box frame so that it doesn't get ruined. If you have a scanner - grab some photos from mom, scan then print them; then get yourself a frame that has a few photo spaces. I used one like in the link below, it has 9 compartments for photos and trinkets, but mine was from Walmart. Unfortunatly they don't have it listed online. Here is a link that might be useful: frame

I am sorry you are so tired and worried. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Your question is how to deal with this without blowing up at your DIL and DS. First and most important, go get counseling yourself or with your husband. The counselor will help you figure out how to set boundaries and how much to give of yourselves. Second, take time to exercise, get plenty of sleep and eat healthy foods. That old adage about flying with children...put the oxygen mask on your own face first so you can help them with theirs.... You will be able to do more for the children in the long run if you stay healthy. Third, your grandchildren have 2 loving grandparents who live next door, a nanny, and 2 parents. They have a network of people. Their love network doesn't look like what you wish for them but they have one. They are loved, they are cared for. Stop focusing on what they don't have and start looking at what they do have. I'm not there, you are, and your concerns may be entirely or partially valid. Having said that, they are 5 and 2. Soon the 5 year old will be more and more involved in school, activities, etc. The 5 year old will go to school all day, then have music lessons, sports activities, friends over, etc. That doesn't mean she won't need you or her parents, but she will be busy. The money your DIL makes will come in very handy for college, extracurricular activities, etc. As the grandkids get older you probably won't be needed nearly as much and that time is probably closer than you think. When that time comes, if you have damaged your relationship with your DS and DIL you will wish you hadn't. Also you may find that your DIL is better with the children as they get older. The comment about DIL not allowing anyone else in the family to be a leader in the family is not germane to this discussion. Your son could still have tea parties with his kids, take them camping, build block towers, bake cookies with them, play soccer in the yard. DIL is not stopping him from that. Stop letting those leadership thoughts live rent free in your head. As you said yourself, your son could make different choices, he doesn't, and that's on him, not his wife. I don't know, only you do, so I could be very wrong. I suspect you are enabling your son. I think that because you said he was checking his phone a lot during the day. If he was at home with the grandkids, were you over there taking care of them? There is a fine line between supporting and enabling and a good counselor will help you figure out if you have strayed over into enabling territory. A counselor can help you figure out if part of this is because the family doesn't look like what you expect with your DIL running a demanding business. My husband was building a business when our children were 5 and 2. He would have went on an 11 day trip, returned and went to work the next day and no one would have thought anything about it. He worked long hours then 6 days a week, and on Sunday went to church, came home and napped. He came home every night, gave the kids a bath, ate something and went back to work. This is a tough time for a young family and sometimes that can spill over onto the grandparents. I'm not dismissing your concerns or saying you're wrong. Just one glance at my husband with his little kids and even a total stranger could tell he treasured them, enjoyed them, loved them with his every breath. It's probably not the trip that concerned you but the way your son and DIL interact with their kids when they're present. The generosity issue is a good one to bring up in counseling. I'm not sure why you would want your DS and DIL to be financially generous with you. You have stressed that material things are not your focus, that you make decent money, so not sure why you feel a loss if they don't give you expensive gifts. Perhaps because your DS and DIL give expensive gifts to people they value and you feel not valued. A counselor could help you learn to let that go. Invest in exercise, getting plenty of sleep, eating healthy and counseling. That time will be well spent, and the sooner the better. It may take time to find a good counselor who is the right match for you, so get started now. You may have to try more than one. I hope you find something that helps. Best of luck with your grandchildren.