This is a terrible situation to be in. It does sound as if your wife is deeply depressed and breaking down under the strain. Unfortunately, when people are depressed they aren't very rational and it can be extremely challenging to change fixed notions. You are lucky that it appears your in-laws are encouraging your wife to get away for a while. You might have some luck if you remind your wife that her collapse in her parents' home is adding to their pain and burden. Ironically, by pushing herself to the breaking point, she is now making their lives more difficult by adding one more point of concern. This argument might get some traction with her as it's a form of selfishness she might not have sufficiently considered. If you can talk her out of the country, then her time with you is an ideal opportunity to come up with an action plan that's more balanced and manageable before she returns. Your MIL's treatment center should be able to suggest respite resources to assist. It is crucial your wife schedule breaks in her duties. Otherwise she's no good to her parents or to herself. You have my sympathy. It must be incredibly difficult for you to be so far away, unable to offer the support you so badly want to provide.

Dear Joanie, I know how you feel. Hang in there... I lost my brother suddenly & unexpectedly just this past July. He was only 48. It has been such a shock. We are still trying to deal with him being gone. I never thought he would be the first to go. This is the first time I have lost someone whom I loved so much. The hardest part is watching our mom grieve. She is having such a hard time even though she is a very strong person. Thank God she is still in good health. There has not been a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I miss him so much. We were on vacation when he had the masssive heart attack. He was on life support for a couple days & held on until I was able to get home...he passed on his own about 2 hours after I got to the hospital, so I was able to talk to him & reassure him I would help take care of things. Just thinking about the sequence of events, the initial phone call & just reliving the sinking feeling when I first got the news, then when I got to the hospital & talking to him. I kept asking him to wake up, but it was not to be. (he had been brain dead since the afternoon he had the heart attack--the EMT's tried reviving him for 20 min. & then got him to the hospital.) I keep thinking of whether he was hurting or what he was thinking those final moments. Thinking of all the events, the funeral, everything. I wonder sometimes if he can see everything going on since he's been gone. Like you, I function best TRYING not thinking about this. I try to block it out, but I wonder if it's a "healthy" thing to do. I wonder if thinking it through, talking about it, & crying it out, will get the pain out of my system. There are times when I sit & start thinking & I have to stop myself...it's just too painful. I miss him terribly & can't imagine what it's going to be like without him anymore. We used to be regulars at our Sunday Masses, now, because of time constraints & having to help take care of mom, I am lucky when I can get myself to church. When I am there, the emotions let loose. I know he must be in Heaven watching over us. (I had the previledge of baptising him before he passed.) I know it's only been about 6 months, people keep saying it will take time. Everyone was great at the beginning. I had a great support system. Now, everyone has gone on with their lives. I am alone in my grieving. Even my husband has commented that it's time to move on. He commented that even though my brother is gone, our daughters & he are still here & living. I know he's been very patient, but he has not been emotionally support at all. I've been told, "Men are wired differently." I can deal with that...I know now, that no one understands what it feels like, unless they've experience a loss themselves. I have been to a couple different grief counselors...it always turns out to be a crying fest for me, so I have not gone in a couple months. I hesitate to call any of my "friends" to talk about things, I don't want them dreading our conversations, so I just don't call them. To add insult to injury, we are going through a messy & emotional probate with his wife. (Another long story, but in a nutshell, she thinks we are trying to scam her out of things & is totally paranoid, when all I have done is help her since my brother passed away. We are doing everything by law & trying to follow what his wishes were. Unfortunatly, the draft of a living trust he had can't be used because it was never finalized.The marriage had its share of problems & my brother thought they might be divorcing a couple years ago.) It has been a slap in the face that she is thinking this way, she has not once said Thanks for your help & support. Her behavior shows great disrespect for my brother. Going through the holidays was very rough for me...I am glad they are over. Thank you for listening...I don't know what the answer is to lessen the pain. I wish I knew & I could pass it on to everyone who has ever lost a loved one. For me, I hope that once the probate process is over, we can start grieving properly....take care & I send you a great big hug.... Mary

I'm pretty new at this cause the first very significant loss in my life is not very long ago. My Daddy. Yesterday me and DH came home from a ride and passed the cemetary which was still open. I had purchased some tasty cookies. I had to stop by and visit at the grave, left Him a cookie. I know He would have enjoyed it. I find the holidays intolerable because I feel like He is missing out on the festivities. I loved to see Him happy. It simply just hurts and I don't know how long it will go on. My biggest fear is that I might forget. That I won't be able to clearly conjure his image in my mind. I can't bear the thought of that. Also, that my Dad will be frozen in time. He will not change. I will only have the past. I may grow as old as He was when He passed. It is a very strange feeling. I can only suppose that we will grow used to it. Don't know. But, I can remember people speak of lost Loved Ones and how they miss them in their old age. We need to find Joy in Life in the here and now. That is how it is meant to be.

whatever helps for those in need...i'm glad they're going... what I missed was being able to talk about things that happen when my dad passed...but then with 4 very young kids to care for, it was my theraphy....