Grief and energy

22 years ago

My lawn has become a sort of barometer for my emotional state. My daughter died on Memorial Day, 2001. At the same time, her father's dementia had begun to reach the point where he could no longer accomplish his usual chores. That first summer, I let the lawn go completely; I didn't mow the grass at all. The second summer, I did the same. It looked awful, but I didn't care. And I had so many other things to deal with.

Last summer I bought a push mower with electric start because I found I could no longer pull the cord on our other one. I kept the lawn mowed, more or less, but it was a struggle. I couldn't seem to figure out the mower, and I'd let the grass get so long that the clippings would build up and stall it. This year I can almost say I have mowing down to a science. It's not a manicured lawn by any means, but it looks decent most of the time. And I keep the mower charged and ready to go. I've also begun restoring some of the old flower gardens.

I don't feel anywhere near as energetic as I used to, but the evolution of this one task makes me realize that I'm progressing. I'm not as young as I used to be, either. There's no doubt that grief, like any form of depression, saps strength big time. But we can hope to get it back.

Susan

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Comments (7)

lulie___wayne
22 years ago
So very true, Susan. I'm finding that I am starting to have more and more motivation/energy as time goes on. I am doing a lot of things now that I have put off for a long time. I'm finally really wanting to do things and not doing them just because I think they HAVE to be done.
I admire you for keeping up a yard. I wouldn't mind doing some of that kind of stuff myself, but my husband has never wanted me to. I guess I should be grateful, but I really don't think I would mind cutting the grass sometimes.
I hope that you can continue to make progress. For those of you just starting out in grief, it really does get better.
Lu
dcrowex
22 years ago
Susan, i agree that grief does sap your strength and motivation. i also think you can feel so distracted, some things just lose their importance. every single chore can take such an effort and require energy you simply dont have. i am glad you tackled this again and i am sure you feel some accomplishment to getting this under control. my husband usually cuts the grass here, but when he is out of town, or like last week, he hurt his back, i did tackle it for him. its not as easy using a push mower like you are using that has no power so my hat is off to you and your energy.

deb
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Pesky I'm so sorry all this is happening in your life and also to say that most people who are close to the person who took his own life will have the exact feelings you're husband is experiencing. It's the "what if I had " part of grief but let me say this. Years ago I watched a documentary on people who take their own lives and the summary was that, in almost all cases, trying to help wouldn't have made a difference. They interviewed people who had been found in time to get help and they all said the same thing. They would not have listened. The despair is so deep that they feel the world would be better off without them. None of us can mind read. You can live with a person and think you know how they're doing and then this happens. For a while he can beat himself up about it but, if it lasts, then he'd need some therapy as guilt can cause horrible depression. He's not guilty of anything, we all choose our own course. I'm sure his friend thought long and hard about it. God bless you and your DH.
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I never snored, but prior to having some surgery, they ordered a sleep study and it turned out that I had apnea. So I ended up with a machine. I was eligible to use the nasal cushion, not the full face mask. It did take me a while to get used to it, but now I am used to it, in fact, I had a terrible night sleep on Christmas Eve because I forgot to bring it to my DD's. During my 'fitting' they had a class on how to use the machine and I met with a tech who had it calibrated to my recommended prescription pressure. It started out at low pressure, but then worked up to the higher setting. My machine also has a water reservoir, so that is nice, as your nasal passages will get very dry. Use Ayr nasal gel, it helps keep your nostrils lubricated, and I use a saline spray each morning to lubricate my sinuses. I was worried the sound would bother DH, but it doesn't. My biggest complaint is that I tend to fiddle with it during the night and keep readjusting it. I have also found that I don't toss & turn as much. It packs easily, so i can use it travelling, Caroline, perhaps they have a battery operated one?
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Oh no, really? I've held out for all this time insisting stoves are close-enough fast and more ecologically supportable and all the rest, only to cave now and buy a MW and discover the rest of the world has come around to agreeing with my prejudices? I thought the microwaving-vegetables thing was supposed to preserve nutrients for the shortness of cooking? I have to say I have been loving it. I bought a fancy microwave cooker from an Asian market. It's an oblong plastic with raised ceramic holey device that supports the food; you put a little water in the bottom for steam. I dump veggies in and 2 minutes later they're crispy-cooked. It's a little easier than fiddling with the stupid steamer that's always tipping and never quite fits underneath the lid. Especially on a camp stove (which is thankfully back in its camping box after a year-hiatus in the hot-spot). Course, if I spent a little for a better steamer maybe everything would be comparable. blfenton - I hope you don't think this gross, but when I perform the ritual you relate, I just dump that first cup of clean warming-water right back in the pot. Or sometimes I toss it in dh's coffee maker. It's not turned on so it just sits there for a half-day until next it is. Still, I guess your point is you need to *heat* 2 cups for every one drunk, not the loss of the first cup. I guess the take-home message is, MW's aren't sensible for heating water or simple liquids like soup. They may be for more complex dishes like a casserole. And they may be comparatively poor nutrient-wise for steaming veggies. How about for reheating tea? Is it better to use a low-voltage cup-heater and leave it turned on all day or let that cup cool down and zap it when ready? (no other choices available).
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I have the want to, but I am being attacked by the dreaded yellow pollen it's literally raining down from the trees. I go out to get started in the atrium and go into an allergy frenzy. It's a mess. I hate this time of year because of the pollen clouds. My vehicles are yellow, my outdoor furniture is yellow, the RV is yellow. The big Pines and oaks are apparently feeling very sexy and spreading their pollen far and wide. Taking benadryl at night to try to breathe makes my want to level lower. Work is getting done but a lot slower pace. Congrats to those who are ready and willing to give it full charge!
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gardenbug
22 years ago
Love your analogy! You really have a lot to deal with. I wish my Mom had had a support group when my father was dealing with dementia. It was agony for all.
By the way, my riding mower is the greatest therapy!
starduster
22 years ago
I know how it is to lose interest in all your daily activities... when someone passes.. especially when that someone meant the world to you. I have not been to the pool since he passed.. I usually go 4 days a week and take a special nutrition/losing weight class as well. I have done none of these.. I have not cooked a real dinner in a while. My DH is easy to please, but, this is not like me. I'm planning on pulling myself together and going on Monday, August 30th... I want to push forward.. and deal with my tears as they come. You know how things will remind you of your loved one and you just start to cry again.. it's difficilt not to.

I need to take care of my health.. especially since I found out my brother, John, always worried about me.. I had not known that.. see, I have Lupus and he was more worried about me than himself.. why oh why.. Especially since I would have asked God to let me trade places with him.. so he could have a full life.. (I guess that's the bargaining part)... He was a good hearted Man.. I wanted him to have children some day... he wanted children...
Brycesmommy
22 years ago
Good for you Susan!!

I've tried to be active everyday but sometimes It's so hard just to get out of bed. I'm normally always on the go and have a energetic career but I just cant get myself to get out and do it. We've gone for walks and bike rides a few times but it does seem to drain me. It shouldn't because I'm only 22 years old. Before Bryce died I started on a garden and everything at our new house. But that kind of went to s***. We planned on doing so much but none of it has happened. I hope it gets easier as time goes on like everyone says. Right now I just can't imagine that it will.
gardenbug
22 years ago
There's a French addage that goes like this:
Petit a petit
L'oiseau fait son nid.

Little by little
The bird builds its nest.

So one twig at a time....things will come together!
starduster
22 years ago
Oh you are so right. Some things just do lose their importance. The dust will always be there.. enjoy your family more. I told my son and his wife to get out and enjoy each others company today. Let the dust in the house sit and do it another day.. just enjoy each other.. She, my DIL, did not get it.. my son did, because he too is grieving over the loss of my brother who is his Uncle... and was a mentor to him in his field of Business and work. How much they were alike... and yet, they quibbled so much with each other.. My son cried so hard over his loss.. too.

Grief and energy

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lulie___wayne

dcrowex

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