my friend hanged himself

marina_ic

He had a birthday last week... he turned 29. He had a wife who is 5 months pregnant and he was the only son to his parents.

He came to our house as my dad's student, but fast enough he became much more than that. My parents grew to love him and even thought of him as their own.

He had a great job, a wife who adored him and family that was proud of him.

In the past few months he became depressed - he thought he was a hassle for everyone. None of us realized how serious it was... we all thought he was freaking out because of the baby. None of us realized how deeply he was disturbed. None of us even considered the possibility of him taking his life.

He hanged himself at my Dad's house. He was preparing for it for few days. He was hanging very low - unbending his knees would of saved him.

He was extremely smart, talented and funny - this is the way i choose to remember him. Nevertheless, i can't get over my anger at him for leaving his wife and his family like this. For abandoning his unborn child. For hurting my dad this way. Looking back at it now, I see that there were signs that started making sense only now. No one interpreted as a potential danger. I know that there is no one to blame, I can't stop thinking what if?

My parents really loved him... I can see it because I've never seen my dad so angry or my mom so scared... I didnt know him the way all of them did and im the only one who more or less understands why he did it and therefore I have to be there for my parents right now, but i don't know how.

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mrkwork1

Dear Marina:

I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through right now. Truly. I am a survivor of a loved one's suicide (spouse) and the emotional pain and fallout from such a horrible event can be, and often is, life changing. In my case, I suffered from PTSD and nightmares for some time.

The hardest part for me was the anger. I remember expressing it in such a way that people had no comeback. I'd say, "I need this like my husband needs another hole in his head." (He shot himself.) People would just gasp in disbelief. But I needed to vent that anger and I did, even at work when appropriate. Your dad's anger is ok as long as he is able to express it and not internalize it.

Another thing to consider: In the case of suicide, the victim and the perpetrator are one and the same. Consequently, there is a huge storm of emotions which can turn an ordinary day into an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. And I remember saying, "If I could just see my husband one more time, I'd hug him, slap him, and then shoot him myself for all he put me through."

There is nothing that you, your parents, or anyone else could do. If you had intervened and been able to save him at this point, he probably would have found another time, another opportunity to take his life. That was another hard lesson I had to learn; let go of the guilt.

The best thing you can do for your parents is to be there for them. Let them talk. Show them your support just by holding hands and letting one or both of them cry. Be available to them when they are able to open up.

Unfortunately, there are many people who will shy away from supporting your family since there is still such a stigma attached to suicide. Your family's life may change. Mine did. Some people may go by the wayside, not wishing to face their discomfort with the situation. Whatever the case, you have your family and I hope this tragic situation can bring you closer as you realize how tenuous and precious life is.

There is a support group on the Web called SOLOS (Survivors of a Loved One's Suicide). You might try to find a local support group in your area and/or get professional help to deal with the emotional issues. I did all three which did seem to help me.

I am very sorry for the loss of a fine young man who was your friend and so close to your family.

Mary Ruff-King

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chisue

Did he leave a note? Was this truly suicide or did he loose consiousness while masturbating (and your parents have not revealed this?) I ask because of the way you describe the position in which he was found.

He's still gone, but perhaps this wasn't an intentional suicide. (Only a guess.)

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mariend

The family and friends may never know why. He might have some issues at work, not confident of being a father, as an only child, thought his parents love would be transfered to the baby, so many reasons. The only thing I can think of is write down those reasons, read over them, pray and destroy the paper. My prayers are for the families.

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asolo

If you woke up tomorrow morning absolutely KNOWING for certain -- via dream-message from God, or whatever -- why he did what he did.......what would you have? What good would the knowledge do you or anyone you know?

With respect and sympathy...he's dead. Don't pretend you're going to be the one to figure it out. And even if you were "the one"....he'd still be dead, wouldn't he? Don't waste your time with this. Life is for the living. Move on.

You've had your sadness. Move on.

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jomuir

Asolo, have you ever considered becoming a motivational speaker?
Just sayin.....you would suck at it.

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asolo

No, I haven't. Have you even considered being anything other than a jerkwad?

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Ninapearl

this is NOT the place for petty bickering. the OP came here for comfort. you two need to back off and stop acting like 2 year olds on the playground.

marina, i think i can speak for the majority of the people who frequent this forum...i am sorry for your loss and i hope in time your heart will heal and that happy memories will overtake the sad ones. (((hugs))) to you in your sorrow.

nina

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