Dear nsf798, You don't know me, soforgive me for putting in my two cents. I don't have the problem you are having, I've got two girls who are 9 and 7 and they are very good friends and though they have their struggles they play together very well. I will say that they have very different personalities and that though the elder gets/deserves many perks for her maturity the younger one is more forward and agressive and often gets what she wants by being so pushy. I really agreed with paigct's comment that enlisting your son to help your younger daughter is one way to handle this, but I also kind of agree with whoever posted that what appears to be a problem from your point of view might not be from the little sisters point of view. That being said, I want to recommend two fantastic books by Nancy Samalin (don't know her and am not connected to her). At least I think they are both by her but on reflection I think one isn't. The first one is How to talk so children will listen and how to listen so children will talk. I found taht really invalable (more so as my children got older) in helping me think through the dynamics of an interaction before I got started, and also in helping me think about modeling solutions rather than talking about problems. Another great book, and I'm sure this is by samalin, is "loving each one best" a book about siblings. And the last great book is called "raising the optimistic child" or "raising an optimistic child." This is a great book for working with children on problem solving rather than blaming. It makes a good read along with "how to talk..." I guess what I'm trying to say is that 1) your son sounds like he is having a burgeoning problem with kids his age; 2) he may or may not have a problem with his little sister but you certainly have one with the way he is treating her; 3) some of these problems could be addressed by working with him on common courtesy. I have had the intersting experience of driving someone else's kids to summer camp for a week. What amazed me is that things that seemed to come naturally to my daughters simply had never even occured to the two little girls I'm now driving. Sharing a snack? forget it. Both of them stuffed their mouths for the entire drive without ever offering my girls a taste--even as my daughters instantly and courteously offered their snacks for sharing. Saying hello and goodbye to us in the morning and afternoon? forget it, it simply never occured to them. Thanking me for driving? apparently that was also inconceivable. The difference in age between me and these girls is considerable (some 40 years) but I'm as courteous to them as I would be to another adult. Which is by way of saying that I think the excuse that your son is 4 years older than his sister so he naturally gets to boss her around is, well, not right. You want him to have good manners whatever the age or station of the person he's with. Perhaps helping him see that close relations (whether family or friend) don't excuse bad behavior is the way to go. just my two cents abfab

thank you all for your comments. You are all right of course, I haven't helped my son at all by doing everything for him and not expecting anything from him and I so want to change all that. When my b/f was living here as a lodger I was so caught up in the conflict that I couldnt see which way to turn, my son wasnt going to college or working just lazing in bed all day and my b/f works nights so would get up midday and phone me at work and complain that son had his friends in so I would phone son and tell him no friends in the house whilst you're not working as all they do is watch TV, he would react with why is b/f telling on me, it just went round and round in circles with no end in sight. I tried to talk to my b/f and ask him to try a different tactic with my son such as 'shall we paint the hallway for your mum' so when she gets home from work she has something to be pleased about? Or one of them cooking the dinner would have been nice! But no just row after row. Some days I would get my son up in the morning and some days it was easier to leave him in bed he just got himself in a whole cycle of doing nothing which is so hard to break if you dont have anything to get up for. I couldnt work out how to help him. My b/f has now moved into his own place and things are better between my son and I because I am not so on edge and there is no conflict here. My son does seem happier when b/f isnt around and thats probably because my b/f was a lodger, there was never any discussion with my son as to whether he was happy to have him living here and he must have felt like his opinion didnt matter. I do feel like I have been a rubbish mother but then again even tho my son is going thro a lazy stage he still has lots of good qualities just a shame b/f never bothers to mention them. and I have allowed my guilt over his father dying to cloud my judgement. I know now that I need to toughen up, he is now collecting unemployment and has agreed to give me money from that towards housekeeping. He is looking for a job and hopefully he will soon realise he cant live on unemployment benefit and have nice things, that will give him the motivation to take any job as at the moment he seems a but choosy about what job he takes (not that there are lots on offer!). In some strange way I feel as though its my fault and as though I havent been in control of my life and I want to ake back that control. I almost feel like my b/f was justified in his critisism of my son why I dont know, maybe at the moment Im just feeling so down and low that I thought b/f was right, he kept telling me I wasnt doing the right thing, I was being too soft, letting my son get away with everything and that he was lazy etc etc. He kept telling my son he wasnt helping me and he should be doing this should be doing that. I just got fed up with hearing it all the time even tho I knew he was right, it was like he was living in my house just telling me what I was doing wrong with no suggestion of how to right it. I do need to do a lot of soul searching. I probably need to get rid of my b/f as its draining all my energy, he knows how much it would mean to me for him to get divorced but because his wife wont sign the papers he now has to wait a few more months, but actually he could do it now, only he wont because he doesnt have the money at the moment. So I cant be that important to him. I know Im looking for advice and even so far as Im looking for someone to tell me the right thing to do, but I know in my heart I have to make that decision and I have to look into the future and its not going to be much of a future if b/f and son cant get on, and Ive probably been swayed a lot by b/f telling me he loves me so much and sending me lovely text messages to that effect, but really actions speak louder than words.

Thank you to bnicebekind, outinthecld, and amberjul for your response and insights. I want to say that first of all, I am protective of my son. I also worry sometimes that my son takes advantage of things and can be a bit manipulative. The day that I wrote my original post, my husband had gotten into one of his moods and there were a bad scene. This past weekend, however, while my husband was gone, I asked my son to do something (move some wood behind the garage) and he refused to do so. I should tell you that my son was in the store with me shopping one evening and he went to look at the baseball cards while I was in the grocery dept. When I went to look for him, I was paged. Going to find him, thinking he paged me, I found that he had been stopped for shoplifting--which was pretty confusing since neither of us had left the store and he had over $30 in his pocket that I had given him earlier. Anyway, the store made me pay $200.00 to them as they can charge the parent 10x what the kid is allegedly stealing. My husband and I agreed that he had to work it off. Actually, I was quite humiliated and upset and couldn't even speak. My husband actually surprised me and was the calm one and talked to my son. Since that time, even though it was agreed that my son had to work off the $200 with chores, he refuses to do them (usually when it is just me around) and this weekend when my husband was not home, my son got very angry with me, called me names, threw my kitchen chairs around, hit things, slammed the doors, etc. My son is getting to be a good size guy and truthfully, I am not sure I could live with him alone any more. AS for protecting my son, I do. When my husband went after my son once like he was going to hit him, I stopped him and I told him that he or anyone would ever put a hand to my son. I stood my ground and looked him in his face and he knows that I am dead serious about that. Yes, I do feel that some sort of counseling is needed so we can set some guidelines as to what our rights and responsibilities are. Such as, I would never spank one of stepgrandchildren and I don't expect my husband to spank mine...he sees it differently. I have again talked with my husband and I have taken the advice of a counselor in that if my husband loves me, I should be able to get him to see my reasoning. I think he does love me because I did stand up to him and say to him that I do not want to "castrate" him in our home and make him feel like he is not the man of the house, however; I cannot raise my son in fear. I told him that I do not like his temper; I cannot deal with people with bad tempers and if he did not learn to control his temper and learn to think a bit differently, that I would have to let this relationship go. I told him that I did love being married to him and I love the large family that we have together and I love the grandkids, but if that was the way that he raised his kids (I suspect it was and I suspect that was how he was raised, also), that he needed to think differently. I also came up with some compromises for my son and our rules, which he agreed to and I did let him know firmly that we needed to work on this and that I did think counseling was needed. His daughter told me that he had tried counseling before and it failed. I have been to counseling quite a long time for the depression, etc. of my first divorce, the relationship, tragedies, etc., so I do have insight into what needs to be done. I was a very self-sufficient, independent woman, yet now at my husband's request have lowered my income and work at home. This is all right as now I am here for my son when he gets home and I am here when he goes to school, too. I wonder if my husband doesn't have a hormone or chemical or sugar imbalance that brings on his moods as he gets very upset with himself when he gets upset. I am working on the rules and have talked with my son and asked him to work with me. My son knows I love him and I will try to look after his best interests. So, I do appreciate your comments and I wanted to let you know that I will not stick my head in the sand, I am workikng to resolve the issues, I am looking into counseling, and yes, I do protect my son. But, I simply needed to know if I was being one-sided towards my son as a mom and a stepchild myself, was I being unfair to my husband? The thing is, when you talk to someone, it can get you thinking...sometimes my son is in the wrong and sometimes my husband does overreact to things and goes way out of proportion. These are the issues that need to be worked on...now, just to find the right counselor to help with that. Thanks again

Well, hope it turns out okay, but keep in mind what Sweeby has been trying to tell you, don't judge this little boy too quickly. If there is a medical reason for this child's behavior, punishment is not the goal, but a involved team (parent/school officals) working with the child would be. Seeing that the child gets the help and guidance that he needs to function in his learning environment would be a more suitable solution for both the other children and the boy. When I called the police it was not because there was a child with special requirements involved, it was because a bratty kid without any kind of medical disorders sprayed a can of mace in my kids face after school as kids were exiting building...kid got the can out of his mom's purse and thought it was the thing to do to the new kid in class he didn't like who was getting too much attention (in the kids opinion). I'm ignorant on the disorder Sweeby refered to so I just did a quick glance at the medical condition...if that is what is going on with this boy, he needs help, not punishment... he's not a 'bad' kid. The longer the school/parent denies a problem the harder it will be for the child and for the kids he goes to school with. My DD10 goes to with a boy who has some disorder (no clue what, it's none of my business) and this boy attends partial classes in the regular classroom and partial in the special ed classrooms. He does not have a learning disablity, kid is smart as can be and gets great grades, he just has trouble being in the regular classroom. He's been known to strike the other kids, be extremely disruptive during lessons and has on a time or two 'mooned' the class. Some days boy does realy well and spends the whole morning with class and other times daughter will say '_____ had a rough day today and took his spelling and science test with his other teacher' (he spends mornings in regular classroom unless there is a problem). He takes art and music with the other kids all the time (he's very talented, the regular class teacher always has the boy's artwork displayed with honors)and it depends day to day on whether boy has lunch with the other kids in lunch room or if he eats 'with his other teacher and her students' as my daughter calls it. There is only an odd rotten kid or two that tease this little boy, the rest accept him as their classmate 'who has a rough day now and then'. I truly hope things can be worked out for the little boy in your case, Mom2. I think it sounds like your son is doing the best he can with something he really does not understand the whys and hows of.