You all are the best, have I told you that? Yesterday was a trial, for sure. The minister gave a great service, and the caterer showed up on time and the church hall was set up correctly, so thank goodness the advanced planning all worked out. And I've never been so proud of my 10 yo DS. He got all dressed up in a shirt and tie and helped me dress all of the tables with tablecloths and helped the caterer set up and stuck by his mourning grandfather in a very supportive way. Everyone was commenting on how wonderful he was (even though he fidgeted in the pew through the whole service!). But there was the typical family drama. The worst thing for me happened when my grandmother's beloved girlfriends showed up at the church. I purposefully chose a church that was right near her senior citizens retirement community, so that her close circle of girl friends and neighbors could come. When "the girls" came into the church and seated themselves, I went over to talk with them. They immediately started asking me why no one ever called them to tell them where my grandmother was in the two months before she passed. I told them that back in August, when she was first hospitalized in the place close to her home, my mother went to my grandmother's house at her request to get her phone book and brought it to the hospital so my grandmother could call her friends. They acknowledged that they received her calls and visited her then, but then, after my aunt moved her to other facilities (and started isolating her from us), they couldn't find her. The only emergency number they had was my aunt's, and they left messages 2-3 times/week, begging my aunt to call them and tell them where my grandmother was. One of them even spoke with my cousin, who told them they didn't know any details (total lie) and that my aunt would call. No one ever called back. They were devastated that they didn't get to see her and say goodbye, and enraged as well. All I could do was apologize and tell them that we would have called if we had their numbers, and that there were times we weren't even able to find where she was. I felt so terrible for them and for my grandmother, and I know she wanted to see them. The last visit I had with her while she was coherent, she mentioned them and was sad that they weren't coming. Meanwhile, they were desperately trying to, but my aunt, for reasons I simply cannot understand, wouldn't call them back. I also have a very close knit circle of girlfriends. I simply can't imagine what it would be like if I was prevented from seeing one of them on in this manner, or if I was dying and they didn't come see me. It breaks my heart. Meanwhile, evil aunt spent the last three weeks telling my father that she couldn't deal with filing the will or doing anything to start settling finances, because she's grieving too much. She also told him she couldn't help at all with the service because it was too much for her, so I made all of the arrangements. My dad went by my grandmother's house yesterday morning to pick up her big band cd's to play at the reception after the service, and apparently, my aunt wasn't grieving so much that she couldn't hire a u-haul to clear out all of the best furniture. She had taken all of the valuable smaller items before my grandmother died, but this last bit happened after, while she was supposedly so deeply grieving. And she had the gall to ask my dad to help her go through my grandmother's clothing and box it up for good will. So she gets anything with any sentimental or monetary value, but he's supposed to help her get rid of everything she doesn't want? Anyway, taking things out of the house at that point is clearly not acceptable, and he will have to deal with it, but I just don't know if he has it in him. He seems to be continually surprised with her actions, although at this point nothing surprises the rest of us. At any rate, my grandmother is at rest and we have the closure we were looking for. I think these next few months will continue to be very difficult for my father, as he sorts through the shambles my aunt has made of everything.

I, too, hate going to funerals but it is a necessary thing sometimes. When my wonderful father-in-law died we had so many people tell us they could tell we were a happy family by the laughter when the came to the viewing. My father-in-in-law was a happy man. We celebrated his life. When my oldest sister died 4 years ago we had so many people tell us wonderful things about her. She lived in a very small town. She loved the library. She was cripled up with Arty and her husband picked up books for her. The ladies kept track of what she had read and picked out books they knew she would love. By the time it was all said and done people had donated almost $10,000 dollars to the library in her memory. betty would have loved this. When I sent out my thank you notes I included a letter highlighting Betty life. She was always the first one to deliver food and send out thank yous and all to so many people. She fought so hard to stay alive but her body just simply gave out. She was at home and when we knew the time was near I packed my bags and told my hubby I would not be home when it was over. I am so glad I made the decision. It was sad but a wonderful time to share with her. she talked to all of us until about the last hour.. I miss her so.. Susie

your feelings at this time really don't matter, its about them. Thank you. You're helping me narrow in on what I am talking about. It triggered my mind. At what point do I draw the line of it being about them was my original question. I've been to workmate's funerals, with whom I didn't work directly. Should I have gone? I did go because it was a suicide that other coworkers were devastated by. It's a friend who quit hanging out with or calling me, but we went to school together. I mean, those are pretty obvious that I could skip them. It's obvious you should attend when it's immediate family (everyone you know is connected to them) or a friend you talk to daily/weekly (though you're the one grieving, there are others who are in the same boat as you, and you can support each other). When the line gets grey, it's harder for me to say no. I can't think of other instances, but I'm sure one will pop into my head. Oh, I know. My mom has a group of friends who have stuck together since junior high school (they're now late 70s), and I am not sure I'd attend their funerals. Even though, they're really like family to me. Would you?

Picking up on Cyn's post - When my Father passed away he was living with us but had a cemetery plot near Pittsburgh where my Mom was buried. I contacted a funeral home near us here and they handled everything from that point on. All I did was tell him which funeral home would have the viewing in Pittsburgh and they did it all - including getting the permits to fly him back to Pittsburgh. We told our kids the same thing - cremation (or whatever might be cheaper) and then use the money that was saved and treat yourself to something. I maintain joint savings accounts with each of my kids that's seldom used but there's always enough money in there for just about any emergency and it would easily cover the expense.