oh tango, i am so very sorry for your loss. i nursed my husband through cancer for 2 years before i lost him. as bad as my pain was and always will be, i know it cannot even begin to compare to yours.

i tried counseling but found that it didn't work for me, probably because the woman i saw was pretty new to her profession and more often than not, i had HER in tears.

i finally saw my primary care physician and started taking an anti-depressant. it helped SO SO much! after a couple of weeks, i really could see light at the end of the tunnel. i took it for a little over one year and only recently weaned myself off of it. i was hesitant to do it but i thought i was ready. so far, so good. it's been a little over 3 months since i stopped.

i still do have, and always will have, my moments when i melt down but it's been 3.5 years since gary's death. your grief is so fresh, you have many stages to go through. right after gary died, i was told by someone that i could not "go around" grief, i had to "go through it".

something else someone said to me that has always stuck in my brain is this...death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

my heart breaks for you. some day, the good memories will take over the bad and one day, you will wake up and feel like you have finally made it. grief never goes away, it just gets "different".

(((hugs))) to your and your husband. i am so sorry.

nina

Dear Tango

please accept my sympathy to you and your family. i lost my husband a little over 4 years ago, and you can see by my posts that this is a bad night. i too cared for my husband at home instead of putting him in long term care, i cared for him for about 10 years and i would never change this for anything. i still cry and apparently this is good for you, but not in a grocery store. i am on cymbalta, but i was taking these before losing Al, i get migraines and these are supposed to help them so i don't know what would happen if i wasn't on them and then was. i live in a small city in the middle of canada, there are no counsellors here, so i only see my md., his philosophy in life and for everything is go for a walk, so now i walk 10 miles a day, and i walk to the cemetery to visit Al and tell him what is going on then i continue on my walk. everyone is so different (like some people like toshop at walmart and some at sears) so try out individual then a group session, see what you feel more confortable with. you cant expect not to break down look how long it's only been, then look at me 4 years and i'm still a wreck.

Dear Tango,

I'm truly sorry for your loss, nothing can prepare a parent for the loss of a child. Grief is said to be a necessary part of the healing process and of learning to adapt to the new situation. There is an empty space where before there was a living human. We need to adjust to life without that person. Grief may provide a necessary emotional release. Of course, not everyone grieves in exactly the same way. One thing, though, seems to hold true: Repressing your grief can be harmful mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Many bereaved ones have found that talking can be a helpful release. Notice, for example, the words of the Bible character Job, who suffered the loss of all ten of his children and endured other tragedies. He said: "My soul certainly feels a loathing toward my life. I will give vent to my concern about myself. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul!" (Job 1:2, 18, 19; 10:1) Notice that Job needed to "give vent" to his concerns. How would he do so? "I will speak," he explained.

Not only does the Bible mention Job who lost his ten children but also the example of Jacob who lost his son Joseph, and Naomi who lost her two grown sons.

Writing can also be a helpful release. Some who find it difficult to talk about their feelings may find it easier to express themselves in writing. Working through grief takes patience, for you may feel that you are on an emotional roller coaster.

The Bible also tells us to: "Draw close to God, and he will draw close to you." (James 4:8) One of the principal ways to draw close to God is through prayer. Do not underestimate its value!

The Bible makes this comforting promise: "Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves." (Psalm 34:18) It also assures us: "Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you." (Psalm 55:22)

Many have found it helpful to talk about their feelings with a trusted friend. Would it not be even more helpful to pour out your feelings to the God who promises to comfort our hearts?

The Bible doesn't only acknowledge the grief that parents experience but it also indicates how God gives comfort to those who mourn.

My thoughts are with you Tango. *Hugs*

Heartfelt condolences to you and your husband. Your horrible emotional anguish will ease, but it takes time. I am so very sorry.
Susan

I just lost my mom and best friend on the 2nd of June. I know where you are coming from, but believe me the deep darkness eases after a while.
You know your son wouldn't want you grieving, but would understand when you do.
I know many people say allow yourself to grieve and that is right. Go ahead and get angry and cry. I remember being in Wal-Mart and almost breaking down in the frozen food and wondering if others there might be going through the same thing. You feel so alone. Deep deep awful despair and you just wish you could have gone along with them.
I played the Alison Krause song In the Palm of Your Hand for many, many days after she passed every single time I would get in the car and sometimes over and over.
I have faith that mom is somewhere just waiting on me to get there. I kept in touch with her minister and told him the other day - I know she is fine and with her family - but I sure wish they had cell phones.
Grief does get lighter with time. Sometimes you will break down bawl like a baby and think you can't cope, but it will pass. The sun will come out.
Hugs, Kathy

Thank you all for replying to the loss of our son Greg...tomorrow I'm going to see an RN that specializes in grieving mothers....I know that there is nothing anyone can say that will take the pain away....but I need guidance and didn't know where to turn...I will post after I've talked to this lady. Her organization is called Mourning Mothers and is in Surrey, BC.
Thanks once again for your posts.

Barbara

Tango,
I suddenly lost my son on July 18. He choked to death after work. I am devastated. He was sick as a baby and beat the odds to live to be 30. I cry all the time, but the tears are different. Sometimes they are soft and easily stopped, at other times I am wailing like I don't know what. After talking to a physician's assistant at the doctors office she told me that what I am feeling is normal and I will never "get over" losing my child. She put me on anti-anxiety meds to see if they will help me get through the day so I can get back to work and if they don't then I will go on an anti-depressant. I intend to speak with grief counselors but have been told by several that it is too soon and I have not grieved enough on my own. I think there are levels of grief and we must go through some by ourselves. I have been in denial telling myself that it was okay. Burt was put on this earth for a reason and lived far beyond what the doctors thought for a purpose. I think I was in shock for the first 3 weeks because this is what I told myself to get through. Then one day I woke up and said it's not okay that I will never see, smell, touch or talk to my son again. Compassionate Friends has sent me information and there are chapters everywhere so you could check with them. I figure I will do both group and individual therapy. And even with and without my husband. We not only lost a son, we lost a friend. Now I want to know why my son had to leave me so soon when he was a good person, and had so many plans, while there are so many bad people who could easily have been taken and not be missed instead of my son.
Taking care of a sick child builds a bond between parent and child that most people never experience. I hope you are able to find guidance. We are all in the same boat and I am sorry we have to be here at all.