please accept my sympathy to you and your family. i think it doesn't matter when you have lot someone that feeling never goes away. in afew weeks i will have been a widow for 4 years. everyday i think of my husband. i remember what we had for supper the night before (roast and veggies) and i haven't made or eaten it since. i still wear my 3 diamond ring he gave me for our 25th anniv. still proudly with my wedding band on my left hand. i also rec'd a diamond tennis bracelet for my 50th bd (all ths jewellery within 2 months of his passing) along with a puppy gracie joy devine (i swore we would never have another pet) i live in northern ontario so i know about cold and snow today it was minus 43! i walk 21/2 miles one way everyday to visit him at the cemetery. i hate him for leaving me. my husband was just loved by everyone, he had that kind of personality. our son hAS taken over some of his dads traits like volunteering etc. and i don't think our daughter will ever get over losing her date, she was home when the firetrucks and ambulance came to the house, but she has learned to be a nicer person. life is so funny those mean people we all know seem to live forever and ever. it took me about a year to mention Al's name but now i make sure that the kids (well 22 and 27) hear atleast one story about their dad. again i'm sorry for your loss

Hello all... thanks for all the kind words. I am still trying to struggle through the day. Somedays I am ok, but others not that great. It was her birthday on October 20th. She would have been 64 or "39" as she would have said. We went to the park and fed the ducks... she always liked to do that. I also brought daisys and popped the tops off and placed them in the water. I miss the way that I would call her and she would be willing to go with me on what ever adventure I wanted to go on that day. She was always there for me. I know I am lucky to have a person like that and that it was my Mom, but it hurts no less. I am trying to build a new "normal". It is rough though because everything I do reminds me of her. I started to move around furniture in our house and I was thinking that everything I touched we bought together. She was a great decorator and I have no decorating sense at all. I just wonder when the feeling that I am completly lost and alone will go away. The holidays are coming and I hate it. I think we are going to plan a vacation at Christmas so I don't have to think about it. I don't know about Thanksgiving. Mom used to make the best mashed potatoes. This is so freaking hard. I think I am going to check into counseling again. It is so hard because I put on a strong face when I am out, but crumble when I get to my car or at home. I talk to my husband, but I don't think he really understands. What do you all do for the holidays?? Any ideas on how to get through them?

Dear Sadie, There is nothing so painful, in my experience, as losing a child. Nothing. My heart is with you. My precious 32 year old son, Ben, died suddenly while on a business trip to England this past June 28 (2009) and so, I can identify with your pain, as can other bereaved mothers. He left behind a beautiful wife and (then) 6 month old baby; a brother; parents: step-parents and beloved friends. We have all been shattered by our loss of him. One thing that helps me is to tell the truth when people ask how I'm doing (an almost impossible question to answer, isn't it?) -- I thank them for asking and, depending on who is asking, say anything from, "It's very painful and I'm moving through it" to " I am completely and utterly devastated." .. I don't say "Fine, thanks". If anyone says something heartless, I say "That was heartless" and leave. If someone says something "stupid", I say, "That was not helpful" and if it makes any sense, I'll suggest a more helpful thing to say. Or not. I am respecting my grief by slowing down but still participating in life as I'm able. I don't make myself wrong for this. Each morning since my son Ben's death, miraculously, I get out of bed, shower and move as gently as possible through my day. Many of those days have included fury; I'm gentle with myself about that too. I can now cook and do light cleaning and other household tasks. I am unable to work (the nature of my work requires me to be present to other's suffering; I simply cannot do that right now. Recently, I have been able to thank my husband for his continued support .. before that, I just leaned on him, which was fine)I go to supportive groups - religious and therapeutic, spend time with family (those family members who can be supportive, not others) and sometimes lunch with understanding friends. I cry a lot, I pray and I stay in touch w/my son in this way. By evening time, I'm really ready to just be very quiet and so, I'm quiet. My family of origin has hardly been in touch with me, which is very painful. It does not help me to reach out to people who cause me pain, so I don't do that. The most surprising people have been kind and comforting. Four months after Ben's death, I can say that my relationship to the terrible pain my son's death is changing. It's not that it doesn't hurt, it does (and sometimes the pain is utterly overwhelming) - it's that as my acceptance (of what I can never want) grows, my relationship to the reality of his death changes. I choose to believe that I will continue to have a relationship with my son. I believe this is possible due to the eternal nature of love. This is a mystery we all need to grapple with within ourselves, but I can say for me, that having experienced the loving place my son is in now as real is helping me move into my life in a new way. Taking the time I need, one day - one moment at a time - has helped me continue to do the impossible. Bless you on your journey and stay in touch w/other bereaved parents who understand.

Family couseling. Run, don't walk. I agree that your partner does not need to be the one disciplining your children at this stage. You all need some coping mechanisms and to hear from a 3rd party what is and isn't OK to do. Your DD has issues, no question. I am glad to see that you are trying to keep her in line and show respect. Sadly, most likely due to her upbringing up til now, she is lacking boundaries and some basic manners. You don't want either woman resenting the other, so get some outside help from someone schooled in these issues. My DH and I never really saw a therapist and I have MANY issues and resent him for lots of things - the least of which is how he never defended me when his kids were rude. Now, he resents me, I think, because I want his 24 y.o. DD to move out of my house and be independent. She was to be here 3-4 m. but we're now at 6...and she's working, etc, but passing all her bills onto dad. Regardless of whether or not you do seek counseling, perhaps a family discussion of what is and is not appropriate would be in line. "If you do this_____ then you will lose the privilege of ____________." That way, your DD knows the boundaries and can choose to conform or if she doesn't, suffer the consequences. I think your gf needs to have a talk here, too, and reassure the girl that she's not trying to displace her mother. Kids often have illusions of mom returning and being the picture perfect mother. I don't know if I'd close the door on that dream, but maybe say that biomom and you will not be getting back together, though there is a special place in your heart for her as she is the mother of the kids. That being said, state that you would like to have a longterm relationship w/ your gf and want all sides to coexist nicely. Ask what would help each side and work on it. Good luck, keep posting, Dana