Oh my. What is a passionate rose lover like you doing in that glacial hell hole? Reading about your endeavors has exhausted me and I haven't even lifted a shovel. I admire your grit and determination, but would love to see you rewarded with thousands of blooms on your rose bushes for all your hard work. I bet they could use engineers in zones 7 to 10!

however,... -now- most of our consumers want something better (more specific than random cutting 'for health'), just can not find it, because it is not available. However, it was only through the arborists repeating that topping would kill/damage trees that the consumers finally asked for something else. Industry driven rather than consumer driven. And consumers still want trees topped. Even when consumers know better, in the vacuum of technical availability, they begin to give up, which is a usual thing, -- and the lowest activity required always wins out. had a conversation today about landscape standards, how to improve etc., and because they need to be written, quantified for testing of applicants, they will always be low so that they are achieveable by the lowest general applicant... -and that 'standards' are mostly hardscape, brickwork etc. -something easily time/standard measureable, which is product driven rather than consumer driven. ie: the paving person -> consumer has a selection of brick (patterns, NB) made available to them which is limited by what the manufacturer provides, and, based on the pavers preference, the consumer gets to choose from his favourites... --pattern NB, which then establishes the pattern for our paving areas. Now this pattern may cause anxiety due to the pattern repetitions, color, angle it is installed in, the way light reflects upon it, and so on.. and many people have come to 'not like that pattern' of brickwork, never identifying why they don't like, and, have not alternative for an area, except asphalt or gravel ... I'd have to observe that if consumers wanted to lower their blood pressure, they'd be asking for this, but industry reigns... by contrast, the Japanese gardener interviews the client, determines a pattern that would be (ie) soothing, determines the angle of visual incidence for maximizing opportunities, (example, mixing large stones, euro pavers with smaller patterns creates a more soothing environment (reducing heartbeat/blood pressure) than does the old Holland, Keystone bricks... and the only very slow response on the suppliers part has been to produce the tumbled Euro stone, -comparatively again, the Jgardener mixes the natural stones with the manufactured stone to fine tune the 'human response' to it... therefore, our producers drive the market completely, and the Japanese gardeners are bucking the system, whereas the consumers fall prey to the 'low achiever/ high turnover - $$ in pocket' landscapers, because they 'don't have to think about it', or they don't want to 'be too different', never having seen the options available. compare again, in many cases, for about the same money, walkways etc. it will cost less to put in a Japanese pattern of walkway than brick pavers. The converse is also true, depending on the application. At the end of the day, dear sus, I'd have to say that trying to educate the pre-conditioned consumer is a waste of time, whereas making more product available and educating installers, may have a hope... I wonder often if maintenance and development is the same thing, finding that consumers don't want to understand development, because they will have to think about it.. to develop into what??? ooops, can't you just maintain it??? I don't want to think about it. this would indicate the gardener should just 'maintain' and develop as he goes, which would indicate industry education is in priority to consumer education.. --which means it won't ever be successful, because there is no 'need' for it, because, both parties, would have to 'think about it' which they don't want to. (ie: "hey, ya know they don't pay me enough to think...") ? thoughts, suggestions ? edzard

So you have a real lot going on. Not just in your family, but in your own personal life. As far as making the first move with communication with your step daughters, that's not so uncommon. My father and brother had not spoken in a year. Not becuase of a fight, but because my father did not pick up the phone to call him. Now, my brother didn't either, but he's never been one to do that anyway. So, knowing that, I told my father that if he wanted a relationship, he'd have to make the effort. He's the father. I'm sure that from his point of view, my brother should have picked up the phone, and I understand that, but a year went by, and it didn't happen. My brother did email him, but his wife deleted the emails. Actually, my fathers wife actually fed this problem, but telling my father that he should be mad, that my brother should call him, etc. I spoke with them, and told that the phone works both ways. Sometimes as a parent, you have to be the bigger person. I know it's long winded, but you get what I'm saying. Like any other relationship, you may have to give to them (calling, emailing) more than you get. That would be a good first step. Disengaging on certain things is fine, but overall, it can leave a hole in your relationship with your DH and his children. His children are a huge part of his life. To have that open hole will create issues. To answer your question: So do I just suck it up, get involved where he wants me to and go ahead and make contact with them? The answer is yes. (in my opinion) I think you have nothing to lose here. They are not drug abusers or addicts, they are just self centered children who have some growing up to do. If you play on their team, and with their Dad, you can have that family that you want. It will take some time, but since they are just really immature and sound as though they are rude, that can change over time. You also wrote: I guess my insecurities from my prior marriage and being left raising a seven month old by myself is the basis for all of this. I'm not sure how it ties in. Are you afraid that you will lose your DH to his children? If you think that ties in, then I would suggest you keep that in the front of your mind when you are having a moment of insecurity. His daughters are not a threat to you at all. You are his wife, and they are his children. Keep reminding yourself of that. This is something that you will have to work on yourself. If you don't, his children will pick up on that, and resent you. It will become a tug of war between you and his girls, and that's not a fair fight. They need their Dad in their life, and over time, if you can foster that relationship, you will all be much happier. I can tell you first hand that if you show hostility or insecurity toward his girls, they will feel it, and end up resenting you. I went through that with my own father and his wife. His wife just doesn't want any of his children around. It makes her feel threatened for some reason. In the end, it really hurt the relationship with my father and I, and caused a lot of pain. That is something that I'll never get back. Have you ever heard the phrase "fake it til you make it"? That's a good place to start. If you can put it into words, I'd be curious to know what it is about his relationship with his daughters makes you feel insecure. I think that may be the key to you having more harmony in your life.

@ mom 2_4- I am right there with you... my SD acts the same way, maybe a little more independent (in her defense). But the whiny, cutesy, babyish, mouth-breathing behavior and lack of common sense are the qualities she shares with your SD. I feel terrible for how I HONESTLY feel about my youngest SD (7). But I can't lie to myself and pretend everything is perfect when, in fact. it is the complete opposite. All she has to do is walk into the room and I'm instantly annoyed!!! It's not fair to my son or her older sister, who doesn't have that effect on me :( I know that has to sound terrible and selfish. I too clam up so I don't snap. Sometimes I just wish she lived with her mom instead of with us so I could have my sanity (secretly). But their girls would grow up to be just like their BM, which wouldn't be a good thing at all:( SD has the same effect on some of my other family members, where they can only handle her in small doses... that's about the only comfort I have at this point, knowing that others share that feeling... only they don't have to live with her 99.5% of the time like I do ARRRRRG :*( I feel like such a fake!!! I also have a deep-seated issue where I find myself fantasizing about enjoying my son's first accomplishments as if he were the only child in my life. I feel like because I married her father, I am obligated to LOVE her... pretty hard if I can't stand her :( I feel as a Christian, I have to love everyone despite whether I like them or not. My moral compass is stuck on a daily basis, as I struggle with those feelings from the time I get out of bed to the time I get back into bed... I wouldn't wish these feelings on anybody, except her once in a while... you know, "The Mother's Curse" ;) Somedays I feel like I'm going to snap!