Disposing of Loved Ones' Belongings

20 years ago

Going through our deceased loved ones' belongings and disposing of clothing and personal items which we cannot use, can be one of the most difficult tasks to accomplish after a death. I thought that it may be helpful to some who are having a difficult time with it, for us to share what we did.

I know from my personal experience, this has been the hardest thing for me to do. After 8 years, Christin's room has been as it was left. My husband and I haven't needed her room, so I had no reason to get rid of any particular items. I have even kept the trash that she had in her trash can.

When she first left, I gave a few things away to special friends, but not much. We have one son and two grandsons, but we are happily expecting a granddaughter in October.

I now have a reason to make Christin's room into a nursery.

I have slowly been going through Christin's clothes and video taping each item and if it was something significant to a certain event, I will tell about the item. For me, it is a way to continue holding on to the item and the memory, without having the item take up space. I have also done this with my mom's things. I am giving the items to charity when they leave my home. The things which are old and probably not usable anymore, are burned in my backyard. To me, this is also a way to keep them, and to me, it's a respectable way to dispose of them rather than dumping them in the trash. I have a little special ritual with them. I have a very long way to go with Christin's things, but I'm proud of myself that I am finally starting. With some of the very nice pieces of clothing, I am comtemplating bringing them to a consignment shop. Not sure yet.

I plan to make a beautiful nursery and then our little granddaughter will be able to grow older into our Christin's room when she stays with us. That will also be a comfort. I know that would please Christin.

I would love to hear how the rest of you managed this difficult, but necessary task. I also hope that my way may help others.

Lulie

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (14)

Cherryfizz
20 years ago
((Lulie)) My heart always aches for you when I read the loss you have suffered. I am sure Christin will be smiling down upon that new life that will sleep and play in the room that was once hers.

I am still trying to clean out my Mothers dresser drawers and she passed away in 2002. Every time I open a drawer I can smell the fabric softner that I used on her nightgowns, clothes and bedding. I just close it back up again. It is just those clothes in the drawers and other personal items that I have a problem dealing with. Everything else I already donated to charity. I guess if it wasn't for that smell of Tropical Downey it wouldn't be so hard.

My friend moved away and before she did she gave me a single bed with box spring and mattress and a tall chest of drawers and a large vanity with mirror and stool and an end table. This furniture is taking up space in my living room right now because I have been trying to clean out the room that holds all my Mom's stuff. I had a yard sale last week and I put her hardly used tiltback wheelchair out for sale thinking someone who visits a loved one at the nursing home down the street might know a person who needs one. I did offer to lend it to one person if I didn't sell it.

I can't bring myself to throw things in the garbage either and wish we were allowed to have open fires because I think that is a great idea to burn things. I really need to get that room emptied because I can't stand looking at all this furniture that surrounds me in my living room. I need that bedroom set up again so my sister can come on overnight visits. I am making progress but it is hard. Mom made quite a few things while attending day away at the Alzheimer Society over the years and I don't want to throw them out either even though to anyone else they might be junk so I just might box everything up to deal with another time. Last week going through things for the yard sale I came across the brush I used to comb my Mother's hair with. After my Mom died I gave her a last sponge bath and combed her hair up into the ponytail on top of her head like I did every day. My friends who were the undertakers from the funeral home said that is what they noticed about my Mom was her cute hairdo and fresh night clothes. So seeing that brush and her hair again brought back that horrible night she died in my arms and how much I really miss her.

Tomorrow I am going to start again in that room. I really need to move on. If it wasn't for that smell of fabric softener it would be a lot easier.

Anne
socks
20 years ago
I think it is easier (not easy!) to deal with a parent's things than your child's things, Lulie. But you have a wonderful reason to get Christin's room fixed as a nursery. Remember, your grandchild and Christin are blood relatives, so in a way part of Christin will be in the room. I commend you for the sensible yet meaningful way you are dealing with things. Here's a pat on the back...pat pat.

I have a suitcase and a box of my mother's things in the garage. Special things I just cannot get rid of. It seems so useless to save all this because when I'm gone, no one will care about it. I've gradually gotten rid of things over the past three years. I know she would not want me to be burdened with lots of her things since we have limited space. After she died, the smell of her clothing brought me to tears, but eventually the smell went away. Not sure if it was Tropical Downey or just MOM.

Take care, Lulie.
Related Discussions
How does one dispose of rose trimmings?
Q
Comments (19)
Our community does municipal compost. It gets hot enough to kill most diseases, so I put my rose clippings in the yard waste disposal bin. If something unusual or nasty comes along, I cut that up small and put it in the regular garbage. This happened when my nectarine tree got gumosis. I called the master gardener hotline and was advised not to put the wood in the compost. So I cut up the larger pieces for firewood, and cut up the smaller pieces for trash. Big job. I don't put roses in my personal compost, because I do a cool compost that does not get hot enough to kill diseases. I don't put weeds that have gone to seed in either, because it is not hot enough to sterilize seeds. Rosefolly
...See More
To garbage disposal or not garbage disposal
Q
Comments (26)
My husband and I were just discussing this the other day, if we had it to do over again, we wouldn't. I don't really cook the kind of meals that need a lot of "disposing" and my garbage is picked up twice a week. I don't think it is worth the sometimes smelly unpleasantness. It probably is more likely to smell if you hardly ever use it, as in our case. I only got it because I replaced the one that went on the fritz after 16 years. I should have just ditched it then and could have gotten a different kind of sink but that's a whole other story. I also don't like how much room it takes up under the sink.
...See More
Making SD Feel Like She Belongs
Q
Comments (134)
The only time in that stretch of time that I determined what a punishment will be was when A__ has made a sexist remark directly to me (I sent him to the bedroom until he was ready to apologize for not treating women with respect), so I'm not making his life horrible. I will uphold rules or rewards/punishments put in place by Mom or Dad, but rarely decide them on my own. Oh - and I have chair removal/replacement authority. TOS - the reason A__ gets sent to his room for things he says is that he will say horrible deliberately hurtful things at even very little things like "Please put your shoes in the closet so no one trips on them" or "No, you can't have a can of pop tonight. You had your can of pop this afternoon." When the response to a cheerful "OK kiddo, it's time to get your stuff together to go to soccer. We have to leave in 20 minutes." is a venomous "I hate you! You're the worst dad in the world! I want you to die so you can't be mean to me ever again", he goes to the other room to calm down (because screaming and throwing things often follows next if he's not sent to somewhere quiet to mellow out) and to think about why what he said was the wrong choice. Different kids have different reactions and different levels, so if your kids are angry with you, remark that they hate you and it gets left at that, then that's fine for you guys. If it's just grumbling about "You're so mean for always making me take my plate to the sink" or "I hate picking up the Xbox and you're a jerk for making me do it", then I agree with you that it's better just talk about how that wasn't nice and that everyone has to pick up after themselves. When it's malicious shouting, or sexism/racism/classism that's another story for us. FD - I'm not sure what's elaborate... Occasionally there are two parts (1- Go to the other room to calm down so you're not screaming any more or to think about why what you did was wrong and 2- The actual punishment)... The no dessert and do the dishes alone started off as just "You should be sitting at the table during the meal. I've asked you three times now to stay at the table through the meal, and if you get up again, you're not having any dessert" Then when he spit food on the table (on purpose) and refused to clean it up, doing the dishes on his own was added. Could I ask what you would have done in that situation? How would you have disciplined getting up repeatedly even though he was asked and told not to, followed by spitting food onto the table and belligerently saying "No. I won't. You do it." to his Dad when told to "Go get a dishtowel to clean that up." ? We know that no popcorn tonight for bugging the cats is a little abstract, but we can't come up with anything directly related to the cats (the only thing my BF thought of was making him clean the litter box for being mean to the cats, but thought that was too extreme) so we stick with popcorn and try to be consistent with it. Any alternate suggestions? Haha, FD - I got a good-natured chuckle out of your interpretation that his behavior isn't improving! I know it may not sound like it, but he IS getting better! Punishments for bad choices and rewards for good choices is working, believe it or not! I love him very much, but to be honest, how A__ was when I was first getting involved with my BF really made me hesitant to get serious with them. i could tell that A__ has a HUGE heart, and that made me take the chance that he and my BF were worth it! The progress I've seen in A__ over the past year has really been remarkable - my instinct that this bad behavior was remediable and would be worth it was right. Even five or six months ago, he was going to the other room about 4 times a day and was down to about 30 minutes of Warcraft, for breaking things on purpose (accidents are never punished for of course), for lying at least daily, for dumping his plate upside down onto the table when he was done eating, for screaming malicious things and swearing, for holding the cats upside down by their back legs, for throwing his clothes out the window or in the garbage because he didn't want to get dressed, and so on. The A__ of today is a peach in comparison to the A__ of six or eight months ago!! I haven't heard him swear in over two months, shouting name-calling fits are down to less than once a day from at least twice, he chases and annoys the cats but is no longer actually mean to them, he complains that he's bored at the table and tries to get up (and spit his food that one time) but his plate has remained upright for five months now, he rarely lies anymore and he'll admit it right away if he does, he'll still spend half an hour getting his socks on but he doesn't throw them out anymore... He doesn't try to sneak things into the cart or run away at the grocery store anymore because when he's good he often gets to choose dessert for that night but he always gets a high five when we get out the door for behaving so well at the store. He (usually) tells us if he has homework now instead of "forgetting" it at Mom's because he often gets to go do cool activities and always gets lots of praise for doing his homework without being asked. If he sees one of us cleaning, he often asks if we'd like his help because he knows that has gotten him 15 extra minutes of Warcraft in the past. So, yes, he's in trouble a lot, but he's rewarded a lot too! I've really made an effort with my BF about being consistent with him, asking him to do something (like put his socks on) well in advance, asking him to stop something (like using the computer mouse as a lasso) the first time he does it rather than getting angry the third time, telling him what the consequence/reward will be so he can make a better choice, etc. And now instead of more punishments than rewards, A__ gets more rewards than punishments. It used to be that the second my BF's back was turned, A__ was doing something bad, but now he's not! He's getting better about being good, even when no on is watching him. We "catch" him being good all the time, his behavior keeps improving, and he's getting better about rewarding himself! A__ being able to self-reward and self-chastise is a big struggle for everyone involved with him. His ADHD prevents him from getting a neurological boost the way that you or I do when we know we do something good and his poor decision-making skills (also a result of his ADHD) make it hard for him to see the right thing to do... But lately, he's been making better choices and telling us what he chose "I thought about ____the-bad-choice____ but instead I did ___the-good-choice___!!!" and we high five and whoop and holler and celebrate with hugs and kisses... I know this will seem ridiculous to anyone who doesn't know A__, but I almost cried this weekend when he made a good choice all on his own and self-rewarded for it!! Saturday morning, we did our usual routine (he wakes us up when he gets hungry around 8:30, I get him breakfast and go back to bed for a bit while he plays Warcraft, then BF and I get up around 10:30) and once I was up he said "Andguesswhat I got hungry again after breakfast, butguesswhat instead of having cookies that I knew I probably wasn't supposed to have, guesswhat I had the other half of my orange that you told me was in the fridge. Andguesswhat, since no one was up, I high-fived myself for doing what I was supposed to do!" OMG I was so happy I nearly cried! I think A__ was a little surprised by the extremity of my reaction: a HUGE hug and "A__ that awesome! I'm sooooo happy that you thought about what to eat and chose what you knew you were allowed to have! You did what you should even though no one was there to make you! That's such a great grown-up thing to do! Wow! I'm proud of you kiddo!" followed by more hugs and a high-five. Then when I passed this onto BF, he also came running from the bedroom, pounced on A__ with a hug and said "I'm proud of you A__! Would you like to have a wrestling match??" So I think what we're doing is working. A__'s behavior keeps getting better and he is always excited to come over, so musn't be too miserable :)
...See More
Where Do Camels Belong?
Q
Comments (56)
camps, girdling would work and trust me, I've been more than just a little bit tempted to do a lot of girdling but the tell-tale signs can be easily seen, if you get my drift. I have dreams of happily girdling every single hackberry along the property line along with dreams of strategic lightning strikes zapping mature trees into oblivion. Just call me "Mad Dog Tex the Tree Hater". We have tar treated utility poles out back and of all things the woodpeckers visit them every year regularly. I love woodpeckers. Dead Hackberry trees wouldn't hurt my feelings, I wouldn't care if corpses were left for the peckers. I'd gladly go for that. Another asset these trees have is they get aphids each year and produce black sooty mold that covers our white stucco walls and the stucco wall up front. Forget painting, it lasts less than a season. Its great on the car too, nice dirty look and its sticky. Advice is to spray the trees (yea right, on top of everything else) and to be sure not to "overlook the hackberry bushes as they can come up everywhere near a hackberry tree". Really????? Everywhere??? I have to agree 'everywhere' is no exaggeration. The thing is, we came into a bit of tiny inheritance, in other words, a bit of extra money outside of the fumes we usually get by on. Typically we are too broke to even think of seriously cutting back the neighbors trees and must be content with nips here and there and keep it under $700 or so. So now, part of this money is being laid aside to cut HIS trees & hopefully three will come out if its not too expensive. It galls me when I think of the inheritance aspect but on the other hand, after years of eyesore its a decision we made. Speaking of galls, the trees get those all over the leaves. Its part of the aphid deal. Yes Tom, they are native trees but hey, this is an urban situation and there are native plants that are pests by any definition in urban settings. A forest is a different matter or somewhere out in the country. I can name quite a number of native plants I wouldn't think of having in an urban landscape and would consider on the list of Bad Choices For Urban Landscapes. For instance, Smooth Sumac would probably take over an average sized lawn pretty quick and be an unwise idea. Some of the larger Goldenrods might make regrettable choices. When it comes to native plants, some really are better off for everyone growing "out there" somewhere outside of city limits rather than in the city under urban conditions with buildings all around. Hackberry trees hopefully would be in the natural wooded areas and not prairies, we have both situations and each needs protecting and of course as you probably gathered, I am partial to the prairies over the wooded areas but I've never denied the value or importance of the wooded areas either.
...See More
sudiepav
20 years ago
We have so very few of Dave's and Millie's things. He had lived out of state 10 years and even though my daughter-in-law knew that I wanted some of his things, she never gave us any. I, unfortunately, had given him gobs of family pictures, things from college, things he had when growing up, because I wanted them to be part of his life. We never saw any of them again. His MIL cleaned out his office; we don't know what happened to any of this stuff or any of his little girl's things. Knowing that we received nothing, his secretary happened upon some things from his desk at work when their offices were remodeled and send them to us. There were some photos, and just a few minor other things, but how blessed we felt to receive those 2 packages. We moved a couple of years ago, and I found some stuff from college in his old room, and amazingly, his album of sports pictures and articles from the time he started baseball at age 5 through high school. I had made it for him (and one for each of my other boys, too), and I really thought I'd sent it to him years before. I have a few toys Millie played with at our house and books we read to her, although most things I bought I sent home with her after she visited. The one keepsake I have is her charm bracelet. I have 2 bracelets myself, and I started one for her. She wore it at our house and I never gave it to her to take home because I knew her mother would throw it away; she threw away most things we gave Millie. Anyway, it has charms representing Florida, Michigan and Ohio, a baseball charm, one that says "Daddy's Girl" (she truly was), the witch from Wizard of Oz, which she loved, and the St. Charles street car, which she and her grandpa and I rode to the New Orleans Zoo the last visit we had with her. I'm so glad I kept it. Sometimes we wish we had had the burden of going through their things; we were left with so little but photos and memories, and some of those, sadly, are fading.
petaloid
20 years ago
Lulie_Wayne, I love your idea of videotaping items with a commentary before giving them away. They could even be photographed with written notes if one didn't have a camcorder.

It was tough to go through everything when my stepsister died, but there were four of us working together and we managed somehow. We saved some things her two girls might want and were glad to give them back when they became adults.

Sudie, some people are way too upset to do this task thoughtfully and start throwing everything away, even family photos and mementos, just to finish faster. That's why it can be better to have several people work on it together.

My cousins have asked my mom and me to travel to their parents home this summer and help them go through things now before the house is sold. (My aunt and uncle are no longer 100% sound of mind.)

We plan to scan family photos and save them onto the computer so they won't be lost and can be easily shared with the extended family.
nora8
20 years ago
Lulie, It is a wonderful idea of taping things...my heart goes out to you...it is wonderful news that you will have a grandaughter to be in Christin's room....she knows and will always be with you as you wait for your "blessing".
It will soon be a year...and we have not gone thur Mom's things....my sister and I waited for Dad to tell us it was time. We are moving...Dad will go with us...he said it is time to go thur things....Mom would want someone to have her clothes....for the last year she wore gowns and housecoats....my niece knows of a lady that lost everything in a fire..so we will give her some of mothers things. Also the nursing home will take for those that do not have much. It will so hard to go thur Mom's treasures....my sister and I are going to get 6 boxes....for her 6 grandaughters and each will get some of her treasures....Mom loved to wear scarves and pins...they each want one of each....Mom knew that something was happening with her...she had gone thur things and had marked who have given them to her....so we will be giving them back. After Mom died I would go to her closet and I would just want to smell her clothes....that smell is gone. It will be hard but the one thing that will help...is I know Mom would want others to enjoy her treasures. God Bless each of you. Nora
Laura Abbott
20 years ago
Lulie - I can't imagine how hard this must be.

One thought that comes to mind, if there are several pieces of clothing (pajamas, blouse, jeans, etc.) that Christin loved or wore often, make a keepsake quilt out of them for your new granddaughter. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or big, just simple squares sewn together. It keeps Christin close and stories can be told about pieces in the quilt. I know it may be hard to cut a piece of clothing, but it would be a good reason.

Wishing you strength during this time and happiness during the upcoming addition to your family.

Laura
tjmondragon
20 years ago
Hello Lu, Thats a big step!You are a big insperation to me and im sure many others.I have not been able to go thru leonards clothes yet and next month is bringing up a year can you believe that.I even went out and got new furniture for my clothes because I couldnt go into our closet with out crying. That is a very hard thing to do.I wear his necklace and ring everyday.My nieces and nephews want a shirt or something of his but I cant seem to let them go.Im very proud of you.I think that is a wonderful reason to redue christin's room. I think laura has a wonderful idea about the blanket you can even put a few pictures in it.That way she will always know about her aunt christin and have a piece of her.Good luck with everything.
Tracy
greeneyz
20 years ago
My son lived in a trailer in my back yard. When he left, I took his dishes and made a mosaic table top with them. I took his favorite shirt and had it framed along with photos of him, wearing the shirt. I took some pieces of his furniture (little stands,etc) and repainted them and stenciled moons and stars on them (which he liked). I encorporated his things into my house. I use his microwave, and some of his dishes and silverware. I enjoy eating from his plates and drinking my coffee from his mugs. I took some of his T-shirts and sewed the sleeves and bottoms shut, then stuffed them and made pillows. I still have all his clothes and personal things in totes in my bedroom. I think I'm going to make quilts from his clothes. These are just some of the things I've done with my son's belongings.

Iris
popi_gw
20 years ago
My Mum was an artist, painter, and I have over 200 of her paintings, in my house. At the time of her death, I was a bit annoyed that I had all the paintings and my brother and sister, did not take many at all.

But...you know....5 years down the track, I am the one who is so blessed, cause everyday I have these beautiful paintings to look at. The memories they invoke, as I was a child growing up as I used to sit in her studio and watch her paint. I remember each painting, when she painted it and what she was trying to acheive in the painting.

I realise now, that at the time of my youth, I did not put much value at all on what she did. She was just Mum, and she did paintings.

I know now, what passion she had for her art, that passion is coming into my life, as a 45 year old woman. I know what she felt, when she painted.

She also had 50 or so, art books, that are all on my shelves, the other day I found book marks in one, that she had left there, I spent ages looking at the pictures, she had marked with the bookmarks, trying to see what she would have seen.

I gain a tremendous amount of comfort from having my Mum's paintings, and art books, near me in my house, it is such a wonderful way to leave something of YOU behind in the world when you depart the physical world.
stilltaysmom
12 years ago
I lost my only child when she was 14 years old...it has now been 5 years. I had a very dear friend of mine offer to "hold" her clothes at her house. One day she presented me with the most beautiful queen sized quilt...made from all of my daughter's clothing! I cannot express to you enough how priceless and meaningful and comforting that quilt is to me now!

I still have a lot of her other things that I have temporarily stored in the attic. I am in the process of making a "hope chest" to store them in. I also want to make a scrapbook but the timing isn't right just yet.

Huge hugs to all of you who are hurting!
trudilouise
11 years ago
It is now just over 4 years I lost my son. He was to be 30 in the year he died. He had a motorbike accident. My son lived at home with my husband and myself. My daughter suggests it's time to throw away his clothes. I have kept them in boxes in a spare room. I cannot go near them without my heart sinking and my mind racing back. The week-end just pâssed my daughter sorted them out into two piles. One to throw away, another to give to a charity shop.

She says we need to do it - she needs to do it - and I'm not sure. The boxes are like a devil in the corner -reducing me to tears at the mere thought of opening them.

What to do? I don't know if photographing them will help - or burning the unwanted ones in my garden - help?

Thank you

Trudi
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
I'm so sorry.

When they have become "like a devil in the corner, I do think it's time to do *something*.

They've become more than a pile of old clothes, left behind by someone who's not coming back for them; they've become a focus for your grief, & your son wouldn't want his things to make your grief worse.

Maybe you could photograph them (or not, depending on how painful it turns out to be), & leave the house while your daughter sorts them & takes them away.

Again, I'm so sorry, & I wish you the best.
trudilouise
11 years ago
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me sylviatexas1
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
You're most welcome;

take care of yourself.

Disposing of Loved Ones' Belongings

Comments (14)

Cherryfizz

socks

Related Discussions

sudiepav

petaloid

nora8

Laura Abbott

tjmondragon

greeneyz

popi_gw

stilltaysmom

trudilouise

sylviatexas1

trudilouise

sylviatexas1

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US