I wrote a post about losing the love of my life on saturday and I thank God for allowing me to find this forum...

Writing all that out helped me so much (I've been talking my friends heads off but writing it out helps sooo much)

While I am still having an EXTREMELY hard time dealing with this I am slowly but surely figuring out the answer to the question that I'm sure we all asked which is "why?"

"Why did this have to happen to me?"

"Why did this have to happen to his/her family?"

"Why did this have to happen to him/her?"

"Why couldn't I have had just a lil bit more time so that I couldve said goodbye, told him/her how much I loved them and thanked them for being in my life?"

"Why didn't u give him/her more time so he/she/we couldve done all we planned?"

Because those "why's" are really what cause us so much pain I think...

Well I started by creating a alter for my "boo" as I called him lol

And I put up pictures of us...flowers he had sent me ages ago that had let dry up and objects that represented things that he loved

And I lit a white candle and just prayed really hard and talked to him and explained to him why I chose each object and asked that he stay with me and his family and let me kno that he was there every so often and then I just laid down and went to sleep...and for once I finally just slept so peaceful

I had turned my phone off before I went to sleep and when I awoke it was on and there was a message from his sister...I've been talking to her constantly since he passed and even though I have never met her its like we were put here for each other during this rough time...

I read her words and just really thought about all my "boo" had taught me and vice versa (which I had learned via talking to his sister" and at that moment the "why's" started to make a lil more sense...and at that moment I really did realize that God does work in mysterious ways...

Of course I would give EVERYTHING to see or touch him again...but I just found so much strength in understanding that he was able accomplish everything that he always wanted/was supposed before he died.

And learning that I played a big part in that helped me sooo much.

And its like I'm hurt but I know what I need to do with my life now and understand why he came into my life...

Now when a memory pops into my head that makes me cry I try to turn it into something positive and transform those tears into tears of joy somehow which really helps...

Yesterday I went out to eat with my best friend and it was extremely hard seeing all those family and friends enjoying their life and I just thought about how u never kno what somebody is goin through...

I got so mad with a friend yesterday because she was being extremely insensitive and I just removed her from the situation and kept on moving and thanked him because I know it was him telling me to do so...

This whole thing is such a roller coaster and I get so mad when I find myself getting sad all over again...but I'm slowly starting to see that people re right when they say it gets better with time

I was at dinner with my two close friends and I found myself laughing so hard...harder than ove laughed in awhile and the moment before I had just came back from the restroom where I was crying my eyes out...but that moment let me know that I was still me and life was still here (I LOVE to laugh and make jokes)

I know this process isn't the same for everyone but I just ask that all of you that are mourning and don't know what to do to just try to think of all the positive things that that person/animal/etc brought to your life and what you brought to theirs...

Them leaving us will never make sense...but I feel that its so much deeper than a body being here on earth (even tho that's what we all want at the end of the day) and moreso about that persons purpose for being here

Try to think of lil things they did that will let u knop that they fulfilled that purpose because there are there waiting on you to find...talked to people that loved them and be happy about those things together...

Because just like the loved one we lost we all have a purpose too and our loved one wouldn't leave is before giving us the tools they were meant to give us to find and complete our own journey in life...find that one thing u were alwayas lacking that that person/animal brought out of you and let it thrive!!

I wish u all peace and joy in your lives and will keep you all in my prayers...

I really feel like we all will be ok.