I had a similar problem with grand children living a couple of states away. I wanted them to know who we were and that we were thinking of them. I did like my mother did my children when we were in another state. I sent small gifts on every holiday that kids enjoy, Halloween, Valentines Day, etc., nothing expensive. I started this when they were small. I had to trust the grand parents in this case to do the right thing and I became known as Grandma Wichita to my grand kids. I sent money at Christmas because of not knowing what they wanted and because of shipping. Their grandmother who was raising them made them save most of it, gave them $3.00 each to go shopping with. I did not like that, I wanted them in the store enjoying the toy dept. At least they knew what I sent.

Well, I would stop sending any gifts. If they ask, I would reply, "Well, since I had no acknowledgement of previous gifts, I had no idea if anyone was actually receiving them so now I choose to send my gifts where they are appreciated." If you want to give gifts a la the Magi you could gift a children's charity, a women's shelter or a homeless shelter. All would appreciate whatever you cared to give.

Thank you ladies for not coming down on us with ugly accusations. We've had enough ugliness to last us several lifetimes. It lends support to our feelings about the direction we need to go (no gifts of value). I am so sorry a single other grandparent in the world has to feel this heartache, and sorry for you who responded. It hurt that the one foster mom who is having her own personal emotional crisis (obvious from what contact I've had in the last year), could contact another parent and persuade her to not allow us contact either. I guess we can't require parents to seek mental health services, now can we?

I read where some grandparents are giving one last warning that they will be revising their wills in response to these situations. I am not sure where I stand on these things as yet, as the wounds are so raw at this time. Not that we have many assets at this point in life, due to ill health...

Anyhow, blessings to you ladies and I will take your words to heart, as to how to handle Christmas gifting in future years.

I saw your other post regarding your situation. I am curious. I would have thought that there were rules regarding natural family contact with fostered children, after all the underlying idea is that when the original situation changes and the children can be cared for properly by their birth parents they will be reunited. And I would have thought that continued contact with grandparents, aunts, uncles etc would also be a good thing.
Have you contacted the child welfare authorities in your area about this? What do they say?

Colleen,
In theory you are correct. In studies reviewing the children's outcomes with or without extended family contact, you are correct. Unfortunately, there are certain areas in this country where these recommendations are not followed. The entire extended family has been in contact with the authorities, and they refuse to work with any of us. My own repeated requests to them to kindly facilitate sibling contact (based on factual studies of the outcomes with/without sibling contact), have fallen on deaf ears. The particular social worker refuses to do anything but the minimum for the children, and is not required to facilitate sibling contact by law. It's up to her how hard she wants to work. Lawyers in the area are aware of the false accusations and heresay these people have entered into the court records, making it impossible for family members to make inroads. Trust me, there are multiple people who have been trying for years, including myself, my ex, an aunt and uncle...Wish that the world you talk about existed. Not so in the county where my grandchildren's case is handled. I've been told they emphatically will not work with an out-of-state grandparent. The social workers will not return phone calls and emails. Once again, there is no law requiring them do do so, so they can make their decisions on what they want to do personally, or how much work they want to do on a case. It is an ugly system, one that most people, thankfully, have not had to witness first hand. But, your thoughts are kind, well-meaning, and logical. I wish...

Grammy

Well, that's crap. And the incomprehensible and sad thing is that ultimately it will hurt the society that created this situation. Gee I wish I could knock some sense into legislators.
You have my sympathy and hope that ultimately things will turn around for you and your grandchildren. I'd keep writing and sending cards in the hope that the children may see them. In the circumstances I would bet that all the gifts you paid for as per the wish lists were not credited to you...... :-(