Stop focusing on the other grandparents and focus on the grandchildren. No matter what or who the other grandmother is, you have to develop your own relationship with the girls. They will love you for you if you are loveable and fun no matter how much they love the other grandmother. It's not a competition and it's useless to compare. You are making yourself miserable. The other grandmother is not getting in the way of your relationship with your grandchildren. If she gets 10 hours a week and you get 2 every other week, make those 2 pleasant so everyone has a great time and great memories. Even if the girls enjoy being with the other grandmother, that doesn't mean they can't enjoy the time with you. People, children included, are drawn to what makes them happy and avoid what makes them unhappy. It really REALLY has NOTHING to do with her. Relationships have nothing to do with who buys children clothing, or spoons cereal in their mouths or what inane things are said on the phone. You are wasting your time criticizing this woman for what she gushes to toddlers on the phone or how she indulges them. Let their parents deal with grandmom, if she needs dealing with, and do your own thing. Eventually she'll stop doing that, and if she doesn't, the girls will eventually find her annoying and tedious. Overbearing, needy people (if indeed she is really as you describe her) always wear out their welcome. You certainly do not need to talk to grandmom on the phone if you don't enjoy it. I can see it would be annoying that she calls while the girls are with you, but it is only for a bit. There's only so much you can say on a phone to a 3 year old. Who cares if she is worried the girls will get 'too close' to you. That's her problem not yours. The girls will be close to you, and that's that. Just make sure you aren't doing the same. Think of her as McDonalds and yourselves as a 5 star restaurant. Maybe you don't go as often, but the experience is better. It's tempting to think you are entitled to your version of 'fair', as in more or less equal time, or equal babysitting, or equal clothes buying, or whatever. But that's not how life works. And grandmom doesn't love the girls less because she has other grandchildren, and you don't love them more because they are your only grandchildren. As for the hitting: toddler do that sometimes, if their parents are conscientious, they will teach the children how to do better. It's not the other grandmother's fault, it's just how kids are sometimes. Don't take it personally. Focus on your own relationship with them and less on grandmom. You'll be happier and there will be less resentment and stress on the relationship with your son, DIL and her family. The girls won't always be little; as they grown they will develop affection based on personality and experience.

Is there a question in there? Perhaps children's protective services?

Everyone, Thank you for your kindness. I talked to my best friend about thirty minutes ago and I decided to let it go. I have concluded that this young woman is a reflection of her upbringing and her parents. My DH's side of the family isn't very formal, and while my MIL (and FIL for that matter) is polite and mannered, she was a single mom with two rowdy boys. I think that my DH wasn't paying much attention when my MIL was trying to instill any type of social etiquette. The BM of my SD's is on par with some of the worst BM's described on this forum. She is all about her and she acts as though everyone should bow down to her, as she is doing all of us a favor by gracing us with her presence. Sounds harsh, but any MOM who tells their cute and well-developed daughter that she doesn't want her around her BF while she isn't around isn't going to be a stellar example of anything but self-centeredness. She either thinks her own daughter is a threat to her or she thinks her BF is a pervert and chooses him over her own flesh anyway. SD isn't the type to be uncomfortable with emotion and I have been in her life since she was in 6th grade. I think she is who she is. I believe that she was probably sorry for that brief moment when she heard the news and now it is back to more important things like her. She is like this with everyone. I guess what ticked me off the most is the fact that her dad told her that she didn't have to worry about attending the service. She's not a child and doesn't need to be given "a way out" by daddy - that's just my thought. I am also irritated that he would think forwarding her message is appropriate. The saddest part is that one day she is not going to know how to behave socially and it will make her look badly or perhaps cost her an opportunity.

Sectsteve I appreciate your input. no she really isn't getting any help. She has the very active twins and was finding it very hard to deal with them so she asked her family doctor for an anti anxiety medication. The reality is there are people for whom motherhood is more difficult than normal and she is one of those and then to have twins it has just been too much. All the care of the children is turned over to my son the minute he walks in the door from work. We volunteered to pay for all day preschool at a lab school connected to the university where they live to help her out. They discussed it and called us and said they would take us up on the offer. We thought that would help her, but what happened is that she turned inward even more. She drinks at home . she posts on facebook that after meeting her friends at the bar for a few drinks, when her friends leaves, she stays behind for just one more drink by herself. And last year and this the girls are in school all day. It should be getting better and it is not. For 3 of their 6 years, these girls have been in all day school. I took the opportunity at the time Whitney Houston died to discuss it with my son that she shouldn't be drinking and the other night I mentioned it to her. She says her doc says it is okay. perhaps he thinks she is drinking an occasional glass of wine when she goes out to dinner. Thanks to all of you have been supportive. I did not intend to get into a discussion of all the back issues. And for all the others I hope your posts brought you great pleasure. You're right, there is a lot more to this story. I could get into the failure to thrive issue because mom didn't have enough breast milk and refused to supplement them even when the pediatrician told her to. Finally at 6 months when they were so far behind, not sitting up, not doing anything normal 6 month old babies do she agreed to supplement them. Yup there sure is a lot more to this story..