Marleah, since you go to the rose forum, perhaps you know my story? I posted on the conversations side of the rose forum about my dad and his fight against leukemia, which was lost Feb 6 last year. I know how you feel. I was with my dad almost every day for almost 9 months, and before that, it was at least once a week. Talking on the phone many times a day was something we also did. Breaking that habit was hard. You can't turn back time, nor can I. The day my dad died, I had a doctor appt which took me away a "good" 3 hours. I kick myslef regularly for leaving because when I got back, he wasn't able to speak much or long. He managed to say I love you before never being able to speak again. I can't imagine what we could have talked about in the few hours I was gone. I like you, were there for our dad's. I have 2 sisters; one living on the West coast that came out a few times when he was mostly in the hospital and weak; the other, she didn't return his calls and spent his last day going through insurance paperwork. They both have to live with their decisions; as I do mine. I put my own family on hold during those 9 months; but there were days when I had to deal with my family and not go to the hospital to see dad. One day was counseling for my daughter; she'd lost her uncle when my dad was 1st diagnosed, then right after Halloween my ex sister in law (her godmother) died suddenly at 41; so she lost both her aunt & uncle who were married. This particular day dad was at death's door & I didn't find out until later that night. The doctor called to tell me that he didn't think he;d try to save him next time :( By the time I got there the next day, my dad was sitting up eating pancakes lol When you have kids life is hectic. Since you work in a hospital, you know most people having that proceedure do fine. You couldnt see into the future, and know that he wouldn't. You did manage to spend time with him. My dad even though he was sleeping / resting knew I was with him at the hospital; I'm sure your dad did too. You're a good daughter. You found time in your busy life to sit with him. You really should have no regrets; I don't think your dad would want you to. I know my dad thought the world of the care I gave him those months; he told everyone how proud he was of me; and how much I knew about his cancer. Stop being so hard on yourself. Try to focus on the positive. Since you work at the hospital, you probably know that a lot of the patients don't have visitors all of the time. The doctors used to tell me about the difference my visits made; and how some people don't have visitors regularly. You have to grieve, it's going to take time. The other day i found a pic of dad and lost it. I keep 2 photos of us on my desk and made a memory frame for this room; also one for each kid - their's holds a few of his momentos, my son has a watch, his lighter, my daughter has a little plastic frog he had in his car. I have no clue why this pic made me cry when I see these others daily. Did your dad garden? Little things remind me of him. I'll be working in the garden and see a worm from his old house (they are visibly different then the worms down here - I collected them when we moved him down here) or I've been pulling up lilies & daffs getting ready to sell my house. Of course I'm digging blind & from memory. I'll talk to my dad while digging, asking if the sale is going to happen and if I'm doing this for nothing. Next thing I know, I find a jackpot of bulbs. Christmas was especially hard here also. My dad used to buy my kids Hess trucks. I couldn't make up my mind whether I'd continue the tradition - especially since my 21 yr old son is very sensative & also had a close bond to dad - my dad helped me raise him. Since he never had a son, he was the apple of his eye. Anyway, my son couldn't decide on the trucks, so the Sunday before Christmas I asked hubby to pick them up. I decided not to wrap them, nor to make a "big deal" about them. I slid them pretty far under the tree. I was an emotional wreak. I went to the couch crying. All of a sudden I smelled my dad's breakfast - scrambled eggs with Hungarian yellow peppers. It's not a common smell. I realized he was there with me, he was telling me "don't cry". I got through the day knowing I wasn't alone. The next morning, Christmas; I put the CD player on. I have 5 CD's on shuffle, and even though it's on shuffle, it pretty much plays the same every time. This time it started with a song I associate with my dad; Blue Christmas by Anne & Nancy Wilson. There's 2 versions of the song on theses CD's but this song was the 1st to play. I knew dad was again in the house; and I managed to get through the day. Of course I cried like hell when the song came on; but after a good cry I was ready to face the day and try to have a decent holiday. I think that once you slow down and allow yourself to see these little things; you will realize your dad is visiting you too. It's not easy, trust me; but we have to go on for our kids. I don't know how long it's going to take; I don't see it easing any time soon for myself; but I don't think my dad would want me to be down all of the time, especially in front of other people.

I lost my Dad to Cancer 11 months ago he would have been 67,Since he left I feel scared lost and so alone,it seems like no pain in the world could compare to the pain I go through when im alone in my room and suddenly I have these bursts of images of him in my head.We didnt have the greatest relationship I was always trying to prove myself and always seemed to fail He would create new opportunities for me and no matter how badly i fell flat on my Face he always seemed to say dont worry My boy we will try again.Though he never showed it i knew he wanted something special for me ........... Im so confused now because my patterns haven't changed and im a grown man still but I feel like a little boy lost and all alone and not knowing where to turn because his dad is gone and now facing the world without him is the scariest thought in the world.You know i have had relationship issues and problems in the past and even though he wasnt able to solve them He was my Dad and he was there for me and it comforting, because I was his son and now his gone I dont know where i belong :( my hearts so sore as im writing this the tears are streaming down my cheeks sometimes the pain is so much i feel in my chest ............ i am 37 years old and im a man but you know what I was Allans Son for me that stood for something special I was proud of my Dad though i never always told him We made peace before his quick passing He was so worried about me when he learnt he had cancer How selfless is that I guess in life sometimes our hardest lessons are being learned when The Living arent Here to say its ok My Boy dont worry we will try again

I have loved reading all the posts and gives me comfort that there are a lot of people who are experiencing the same thing as me. I too miss both my parents, still. My mom died 9 years ago from ovarian cancer and my Dad died 6 years ago after a long battle with renal failure and being on dialysis as a result. I cared for both my parents for years while they were ill. We had always been close and saw each other almost every day of my life. The last few years we all lived together while I was working full time, married and raising two boys. I was so busy with everything that I did not have time to stop and think about what was going to happen when they were gone. I miss them terribly every day and wish I would have just stopped and talked for hours on end to them while they were ill instead of doing the laundry, cleaning the house or grocery shopping or cooking. I am thankful I was able to provide them a safe home to live in and never had to place either one in a nursing home. Both boys are now grown and away from home, my husband works out of town a lot and recently my Uncle (my Mom's brother) has moved in with us after having several mini strokes and can no longer live alone. This has brought back the memories of caring for my Mom and Dad and makes me miss them more and more. I still work full time and this was a huge adjustment as my husband & I were just getting used to being empty nesters and had begun taking trips. We have adjusted accordingly and I am thankful once again that I am able to give my Uncle the care he needs without going to a nursing home. Grief can only be dealt on a day to day basis. Sometimes I can handle it and sometimes I just need a good cry. I think about all the great times we had and that makes me happy, but then the grief creeps back in because I can no longer talk to, smile at, laugh with, cry with or hug my parents ever again. My only comfort is knowing I will see them again one day in Heaven and that is what keeps me going day to day.

Thanks everyone for your support. I know I need to leave but I suppose I've always been a sucker to help people. Amber - Thank you for your words. You are right, the only person I can save is myself. I suppose the battle is really working up the courage to say enough is enough. I struggle because I hate hurting people or feeling like I am letting them down but in the same regard I suppose by me doing things for my partner, he will never do anything to help himself or his son. Colleenoz - thank you for your kind words. I never thought about it like the way you put it. Seeing that he could turn like that if something bad happened to me is some what alarming. Because when I think of the answer to something happening to me and would he be there, I can't answer that. And if I can't answer that, then there is a real big problem. LaVerne - Thank you for your comment. Do I want to change? Yes i really do, so I guess I know what I have to do. Reading Lady - Sadly this situation is real, it would be nice if I was making it up but unfortunately I am not. I know everyone on his mother's side has bi-polar and basically have lived their lives in and out of either jails or foster homes. Sometimes I think the cycle can be broken but in the same regards, it's not my responsibility to have hero complex (i.e. trying to save everyone). Let me just say this, I know that none of you know me from a bar of soap, which in turn makes you more truthful. I appreciate your honesty and i thank you for your wisdom. I know everyone goes through hard stages in life, but you are right. If I am not happy with the situation, then only I can change it. I think it's time for me to worry about myself and get back what I want. If I succeed (and I truly hope I do) than please know every little word by each of you contributed to giving me strength. You all really have no idea how much you have put my mind, heart and bank balance at rest.