Miss my dad... not doing as well as I thought...


I lost my dad at the end of October, and I thought I was doing pretty well with it, until last night. I was at work, and started out the night in a really great mood. Then a man walked up to my counter wearing a jacket embroidered "Jack" (my dad's name) and he looked so much like my dad. Suddenly I got dizzy and could barely think and had a really hard time remembering how to even do my job. It was hard to even look at the man or speak to him. I tried to call another cashier to take over so I could get away for a minute but no one came and I ended up breaking down to a group of customers.

In some ways the worst part of this was how it brought back the totally unreal feeling of the days surrounding my dad's death. I walked around for about a week feeling like I was in someone else's dream or something. For a brief second I started to question if any of it had even happened. Then I felt the weight of the necklace I wear with his ashes and it all came crashing back. I felt ridiculous having a meltdown at work, to a bunch of strangers like that.

I really, really wish I could see my dad again.

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My dad died May 2nd of last year. He was just 8 days short of his 96th birthday. Couple of weeks before he told me to look at him & said I don't want you to mourn me but it's OK to "miss me" Such comforting words that I often think about. I lost my hubby when he was 48 so that was so difficult as he was my best friend & so young. Your age may make it harder & your dad's age or sudden passing but all you felt is not unusual at all. You can see someone from behind walking & think, oh, there he is & then realize it can't be & you may flush in embarrassment. Couple of songs at church make me kind of teary & if at end of service I just say, oh, that song reminds me of my dad(or hubby) can hear it time & again & OK but then suddenly it gets to you. This will happen from time to time & best to just tell the person, "you remind me so much of my dad or that was my dad's name" the person will understand. It will get better with time your loss is very fresh & will be several months before you feel like you are even back in the world. I said it was like being thrown on a stage & told you had to go through this awful play & all you want is out of there & to go crawl in bed! I was 42 when he died at work. Nothing is real I think that is how most people feel at 1st. If your dad had a long illness then you might have an easier time as you have already been grieving. That's why my dad's was easier to take & his advanced age. I'm sure others will come on so keep checking back. It's a day by day thing & try to live as normally as you can. Lunch with a friends, movie with someone etc. Just sit & watch people shop. Better to get out than to hibernate that can get dangerous for your health as you quit eating, social engagements etc. Don't let that happen. Life does go on & it is up to you to pull yourself along & get to point where things are better & finally enjoyable. Doesn't mean you forget them. Your dad would want you to be happy!!

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Don't feel ridiculous, it isn't ridiculous, it means you are human and you miss your dad. I have had moments where I've found myself myself on the verge of tears at work and a couple of times I cried walking on the street. I couldn't answer to people who said they were sorry about my mom's death because I knew I would cry. It's normal.
I also feel like I'm living in a different world without mom and wish I could talk to her one more time and touch her face.

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