I thought I would post here as the other side. I am a daughter who seven months ago decided I had had enough and cut off my parents. Now from my point of view their controlling behavior was beyond discussion and I can't take it anymore. I have heard all the "we did the best we could." statements about my childhood but did the "best" have to include put downs and beatings with a belt? Also did the "best" also have to include forgotten birthdays (I wasn't looking for anything big just a nice dinner of my favorite stuff and a cake with some small trinket to remember my day), and complaints about my activites. If I had me for a daughter I would have been proud. My parents complained about my school involvement and made me late by refusing me rides after they had promised them earlier in the day. My activites they complained about were theater, chorus and band. Well they apporved of band but not the rest. As an adult when I met and became engaged my mother quickly made the entire event about her and complained constantly about his parents and refused to allow any more guests even if we or his parents would pay for the additional people. You know when you have control flaunt it. we came in below one hundred people and my mother still complained a year later about how much it costs. The head waiter that treated me so nicely she still complains about. She made my having children about her. She wanted say so over who the God parents were/are. She even stopped talking to me once over a Christianing Gown being provided by the God mother. (she wanted to make it and stated so after the gown was purchased). She complained about holidays even though we make an effort to rotate them. My parents refuse to share holidays with in-laws if their daughters are the hostest. I have been told about my children's names. I have had babysitting used as a power play-If I do not get my way I will not watch the children for you while you go for surgery. Yes this did happen and I had to find babysitting two days before surgery. I have spent my entire life dealing with favorites and don't think the favorite didn't come first on my wedding day because I took a back seat that day also. If your son or daughter has chosen to seperate themselves from you maybe you need to go over your life since they were born. Ask yourself some tough questions: Did I ever beat/hit my child with either my hand or a belt or spoon etc? Did I show favortism to one child while ignoring the needs of another child? Did my favortism cloud my judgement when dealing with conflicts between the children. Do I still have favorites and is it apparent to those outside the family? For this you might have to count the number of times you bring a certain child's name into the conversation. Or how many times you make excuses for a certain child's rude behavior. Do I demand too much from my adult children. For examply do you expect every holiday to be with you? Are you willing to share holidays with the in-laws? Do you feel you should have a say in the choosing of grand children's names, God parents, why they are raised? Do you openly critises your children and how they raise their children? These are just a few things my parents did to me as an adult. These actions will send adult children running for the hills.

Your sister's first responsibility is to her children. IMO she should not allow them to be exposed to such a hateful person and refuse to associate with the MIL. If her hubby doesn't like it, he'll have to decide whose feelings are more important, his mother's or his wife's. If he choose mommy over his wife, she and her kids would probably be better off without the whole clan. I'm sorry for being very cynical but I would not allow such treatment of my own kids either. Life's too short and our children are too important.

Everyone, Thank you for your kindness. I talked to my best friend about thirty minutes ago and I decided to let it go. I have concluded that this young woman is a reflection of her upbringing and her parents. My DH's side of the family isn't very formal, and while my MIL (and FIL for that matter) is polite and mannered, she was a single mom with two rowdy boys. I think that my DH wasn't paying much attention when my MIL was trying to instill any type of social etiquette. The BM of my SD's is on par with some of the worst BM's described on this forum. She is all about her and she acts as though everyone should bow down to her, as she is doing all of us a favor by gracing us with her presence. Sounds harsh, but any MOM who tells their cute and well-developed daughter that she doesn't want her around her BF while she isn't around isn't going to be a stellar example of anything but self-centeredness. She either thinks her own daughter is a threat to her or she thinks her BF is a pervert and chooses him over her own flesh anyway. SD isn't the type to be uncomfortable with emotion and I have been in her life since she was in 6th grade. I think she is who she is. I believe that she was probably sorry for that brief moment when she heard the news and now it is back to more important things like her. She is like this with everyone. I guess what ticked me off the most is the fact that her dad told her that she didn't have to worry about attending the service. She's not a child and doesn't need to be given "a way out" by daddy - that's just my thought. I am also irritated that he would think forwarding her message is appropriate. The saddest part is that one day she is not going to know how to behave socially and it will make her look badly or perhaps cost her an opportunity.

Sectsteve I appreciate your input. no she really isn't getting any help. She has the very active twins and was finding it very hard to deal with them so she asked her family doctor for an anti anxiety medication. The reality is there are people for whom motherhood is more difficult than normal and she is one of those and then to have twins it has just been too much. All the care of the children is turned over to my son the minute he walks in the door from work. We volunteered to pay for all day preschool at a lab school connected to the university where they live to help her out. They discussed it and called us and said they would take us up on the offer. We thought that would help her, but what happened is that she turned inward even more. She drinks at home . she posts on facebook that after meeting her friends at the bar for a few drinks, when her friends leaves, she stays behind for just one more drink by herself. And last year and this the girls are in school all day. It should be getting better and it is not. For 3 of their 6 years, these girls have been in all day school. I took the opportunity at the time Whitney Houston died to discuss it with my son that she shouldn't be drinking and the other night I mentioned it to her. She says her doc says it is okay. perhaps he thinks she is drinking an occasional glass of wine when she goes out to dinner. Thanks to all of you have been supportive. I did not intend to get into a discussion of all the back issues. And for all the others I hope your posts brought you great pleasure. You're right, there is a lot more to this story. I could get into the failure to thrive issue because mom didn't have enough breast milk and refused to supplement them even when the pediatrician told her to. Finally at 6 months when they were so far behind, not sitting up, not doing anything normal 6 month old babies do she agreed to supplement them. Yup there sure is a lot more to this story..