Uninterested Grandparents

21 years ago

I need some advice! My husband's parents are local and they only see our children very little, maybe once a month or so, and my parents on the other hand see my children all the time! My children are 4 years old and 5 months old and I dont understand why they never want to see them! Also they never even call to see how the children are doing and I feel that they dont really care about my children and I want to go to them about this but dont really know how! Most grandparents always want to see there grandchildren and I get lucky if they even call to check on them. I need advice please!

Featured Answer

Jonesy

21 years ago

last modified: 11 years ago

Mom, I can see the other side of the coin. I had two children and that was all I wanted. I really enjoyed them, never frustrated because a baby cried, only worried about why he was crying. We did family things as they grew up, camping, hiking, church,etc.. I see grandmother's caring for the GKids and they are so wrapped up in them, their relationship with their husband deteriorates. I chose to be with my husband over cuddling babys, which was a sacrifice, but dirty diapers and crying babies I didn't want, been there done that. I wanted adult companionship. And I was a good mother, but I didn't want to take care of babies while their parents went on carefree vacations, dinner and dancing or whatever. It was my turn to do those things with my husband.

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Comments (102)

daisyinga
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I cry all the time wondering why they don't want anything to do with their grandkids.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, momoftwo22. I know it hurts your feelings.

I don't mean this to sound like callous advice, but kind and thoughtful advice from someone who has raised 2 children. There are a lot of unkind things and unfair things your children will have to deal with. You can't change that. But you can model the behaviors and attitudes you want your children to have. You want them to be resilient - to take the cards they're dealt with in life and make the best of them and not to dwell on the negatives. You want to teach them there is a better way to be - so model the kind of encompassing love you want them to know. No, they don't have loving grandparents but they have loving parents, and that is more than many kids have.

You will find that children often take their cues from their parents. Don't badmouth the grandparents to your children. Model grace and kindness when the topic of grandparents comes up. And if you don't let it upset you, then it probably won't upset them. If you get angry, they probably will see this as something to be angry over. If you are chill, they probably will be, too.

My children have a grandparent who doesn't see them or have any interest in them. It is not a failing in me or in my children, it is simply the way he is. Try not to let it hurt you. Your kids will be fine if you are.
elisa_z5
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
momoftwo -- I'm am really sorry to hear you have to deal with this. I know how it is to have something that hurts, and so you focus on it, feeling hurt even though there are many good things going on in life. What I have written below is meant to be a pep talk -- sort of a "drop those dingy old grandparents and get on with your wonderful life" kind of exhortation.

Anything you cry about will bring sadness into your home.
Anything you rejoice about will bring joy into your home.
Focus on ALL the great things in your life. Toss those unfeeling grandparents out with the recycling. They're missing something wonderful -- too bad for them.

When you feel sad about the uncaring grandparents, make yourself think a better thought -- focus on something good, like your eyesight or your kids' health. And congratulate yourself and your husband for creating a loving home despite the influence during your growing up years of people who seem to be out of touch with feelings.

It's like the uncaring grandparents don't exist in your kids' lives. But you DO exist, and if you are sad, even if you don't think you're showing it, it affects them. Don't let those people make you sad! They don't deserve that power in your life.

I wish you joy and freedom from the hurt.
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Sketcher25
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I have to say....that if your in laws in any way feel that you favor your parents seeing your children over them, this might be reason they are not putting themselves out there....

This has happened in my life...my DIL was so jealous of my relationship with her kids...she was confused I am sure...she never promoted me as a grandparent at all....she once even excluded me purposely out of a photo...telling my husband she just wanted a picture with him and her son...can you imagine the hurt I felt...

My husband must have been tickled pink that this happened to me...as he did not even acknowledge my pain.....almost as if he supports my DIL's actions .... so sad...I have lost feelings for him....

Now that my GS's are 10 and 9 .... I rarely see them .. I am just the person that flits through their life...I blame my son even more...he sees it, but feels he does not want to go against her...she must be a hellraiset...when no one is there...

So ask yourself if your husband keeps his parents informed and in the picture...does he or you call them when they do something special? Do you both make reason to take them to their house on a random afternoon? All these things keep grandparents enthusiastic over seeing the kids...if you treat them ho hum....they will feel isolated..but you know that don't you?

I bet you call your Mom every day...does your husband call his Mom even once a month? It does not mean they were bad parents...little boys become men and really no longer find time for parents...if you have a son, you will get it one day sorry to say....

Ask yourself what YOU can do to make them want to be present more often...but if they were...you might not like it...and they know this apparently or sense it...most grandparents are ecstatic to have grandchildren local to them....maybe you left something out..
Sketcher25
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I have to say....that if your in laws in any way feel that you favor your parents seeing your children over them, this might be reason they are not putting themselves out there....

This has happened in my life...my DIL was so jealous of my relationship with her kids...she was confused I am sure...she never promoted me as a grandparent at all....she once even excluded me purposely out of a photo...telling my husband she just wanted a picture with him and her son...can you imagine the hurt I felt...

My husband must have been tickled pink that this happened to me...as he did not even acknowledge my pain.....almost as if he supports my DIL's actions .... so sad...I have lost feelings for him....

Now that my GS's are 10 and 9 .... I rarely see them .. I am just the person that flits through their life...I blame my son even more...he sees it, but feels he does not want to go against her...she must be a hellraiset...when no one is there...

So ask yourself if your husband keeps his parents informed and in the picture...does he or you call them when they do something special? Do you both make reason to take them to their house on a random afternoon? All these things keep grandparents enthusiastic over seeing the kids...if you treat them ho hum....they will feel isolated..but you know that don't you?

I bet you call your Mom every day...does your husband call his Mom even once a month? It does not mean they were bad parents...little boys become men and really no longer find time for parents...if you have a son, you will get it one day sorry to say....

Ask yourself what YOU can do to make them want to be present more often...but if they were...you might not like it...and they know this apparently or sense it...most grandparents are ecstatic to have grandchildren local to them....maybe you left something out..
Sketcher25
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I have to say....that if your in laws in any way feel that you favor your parents seeing your children over them, this might be reason they are not putting themselves out there....

This has happened in my life...my DIL was so jealous of my relationship with her kids...she was confused I am sure...she never promoted me as a grandparent at all....she once even excluded me purposely out of a photo...telling my husband she just wanted a picture with him and her son...can you imagine the hurt I felt...

My husband must have been tickled pink that this happened to me...as he did not even acknowledge my pain.....almost as if he supports my DIL's actions .... so sad...I have lost feelings for him....

Now that my GS's are 10 and 9 .... I rarely see them .. I am just the person that flits through their life...I blame my son even more...he sees it, but feels he does not want to go against her...she must be a hellraiset...when no one is there...

So ask yourself if your husband keeps his parents informed and in the picture...does he or you call them when they do something special? Do you both make reason to take them to their house on a random afternoon? All these things keep grandparents enthusiastic over seeing the kids...if you treat them ho hum....they will feel isolated..but you know that don't you?

I bet you call your Mom every day...does your husband call his Mom even once a month? It does not mean they were bad parents...little boys become men and really no longer find time for parents...if you have a son, you will get it one day sorry to say....

Ask yourself what YOU can do to make them want to be present more often...but if they were...you might not like it...and they know this apparently or sense it...most grandparents are ecstatic to have grandchildren local to them....maybe you left something out..
time1865
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Oh you mothers who think you producing kids means grandparents should come running when you think are going to love me. lol

Get a grip. Your expectations are just that, yours. There are 2 sides to every story and complaining mothers here like to agree with each other. Oh poor me.
Sketcher25
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I agree Time....they want a grandparent from their parents, but many times, they will only abide the husbands parents when they can get an afternoon out or gifts...

I have seen women get MIL's to babysit and go out shopping with their moms, buy them lunch...really spend quality time with them, but not even thank the MIL when they come home...making the statement that she should be glad to see her granchildren..this happened many times to a neighbor till the DIL's comments came back to her...she shut down the daycare....and had an excuse everytime DIL and her mommy wanted time out...

She had only one son that she never had that quality time with, just like my situation....and she had to make many emotional adjustments but stuck to her stand...when I heard about how she dealt with it, it was too late for me to do any adjustments, but I felt like it was not a problem only I dealt with...

Women need to understand, their hand might rock the cradle and rule their world, but your MIL could give a %#$.... they talk about you to their hairdresser....get a clue..
SotoRon
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
To Jensor04 in response to your question ,it sounds like your husband ,it's not your mother in law' s favorite son .My mom treats me differently then my other brothers ,we are four brothers .She treats the young one and the oldest better then she treats me and anything I do it's never good enough for her ,so my children are not her favorite grandkids .When I have invited her to my kid's birthday's or special celebration, like holidays she has never gone to celebrate with us ,but if is my brothers she does. Also my wife is not her favorite daughter in law .My other brother's wives are her favorites .

This post was edited by SotoRon on Tue, Dec 31, 13 at 6:20
Randy Ritchie
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Bingo SotRon. I also was in the position of not being the favored child, and my children were not the favored grandchildren because of my mother's feelings towards me. Some parents play favorites. It's wrong, but it's the way it is. The favorite child's children become the favorite grandchildren. You can't change a person who acts this way, so don't let her get to you. Take the higher road. It's filled with less sadness and without guilt. Teach your children well, treat them fairly, and break the cycle.
Best of luck!
confusedson
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I don't understand this at all. We have 2 toddler girls, cute as can be, my parents love staying at a distance. Yes, they are elderly (70s), they are healthy, its a distance to travel (need to fly), but they refused to come last year to visit (at all), and even this year they are already saying (esp my mom) that they may not. Wife and them get along fine, no issues there. Its like they want to be grandparents from a distance. I don't get it. It's very hurtful to me, and obviously it'll p*ss off my wife if they won't come this year either. They just talk themselves out of it (ahhhh maybe next year etc etc). They give gifts and love the kids, but from a distance.
emma
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
If they are in their 70's maybe they uncomfortable traveling alone. I have traveled all over the world but always with tour companies, never alone. I have made my last road trip, no more unless I hire a driver. Do you ever go see them?
Randy Ritchie
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Confusedson, are you able to ask your parents directly if there's something preventing them visiting, or some worries or fears they have, associated with visiting? Perhaps they aren't aware they are possibly hurting their daughter-in-law's feelings (and yours as well), by their seeming ambivalence. If this is their vision of retirement, it may be a deep, life-long desire to be alone, just the two of them. I'm not saying it's right, but without being able to 'get inside their heads', you can't know.

They are missing out, I assure you. But don't let that cause problems in your family. It's their own choice.
emma
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I am not in the same situation as this one, but I have family in my city and I don't want to spend time with them and the ones out of town would be hurt if I stayed in a hotel. I like my peace and quiet. I don't want to spend time with any of my family.

For whatever reason don't put a guilt trip on them. They are in their last few years, let them live them the way they want to. I would hate to have them lose a child over something like this.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Mon, Jan 6, 14 at 21:06
colleenoz
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
confusedson, it could also be that your parents are like my late mother. She liked to be the "queen bee" and felt it was OUR duty to visit HER, not the other way around. Notwithstanding the fact that DH worked weird shifts and I worked weekends, and with DD in school there wasn't enough time left to schedule a four hour round trip to visit her often. The irony was that she was retired and could easily have come to us, with her travelling time occurring simultaneously with our work time, so that we could have been at our place at the same time and been able to spend more time together, but she never saw it that way. It was easier to complain that she never saw us and to be jealous of DH's parents, who lived much closer, visited us, and were located in a place that we would be driving past anyway when we had to go to town.
She had no problems driving distances, did it all the time, just never in our direction :-(
ElizaJane2014
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I'm a brand new grandparent (1 month old) and I would like to comment from this perspective.

I raised two beautiful children as a single parent. Had my first at age 21, and have devoted the last 33 years of my life to my kids. I have never been on a trip outside the US; never owned a new car. But my kids both graduated from college debt free. That's what I wanted for them - not to struggle as I did.

They are both the loves of my life. So, never in a million years would I have thought of myself as a person who would be an "uninterested grandparent." But my son married a woman who turned out to be much different from the lovely person that I first thought she was. She would *not allow me* to give a rehearsal dinner at their wedding. Because it was 'her special time." That was a bad start - as my intention was to throw this dinner as a *celebration* of their marriage. Apparently, my joy at their happiness was not relevant to her....

Anyway, in the time since then , it has not gotten better, although I have tried. My son has invited me over to their house, however, she has never once in three years met me at the door and said "hi thanks for coming" "can i get you a coke?" or anything of the sort. She will sleep on the couch in front of me when I am in the living room. Once, I had to wait outside for my son to get home to be let in, when she was upstairs "napping".

I am just an included accessory that comes with the package of her husband.

It is awful. My son & I tried to discuss things a few months ago. He said that he knew she had "been bad in the past" but that she has changed, and as proof of this, he said to me that "she's even hoping you'll babysit when she goes back to work."

I know he meant that to be a positive thing, because he desperately wants things to be OK. But it had the exact opposite effect on me. *Of course* she wants me to babysit so she can go back to work. *Of course, she does*. But that has nothing to do with me being loved or appreciated by her, and it has nothing to do with what is best for the child. It has to do with what is convenient and cost-saving for her.

Or worse, it's just some BS she is telling him, and she would gouge her eyeballs out with a spoon before she'd let me near her kid...

In any case, I tell this story to ask you to look at your situation and ask yourself first, if you treat your mother in law like a human being. Do you try to develop any kind of relationship with her at all? Or is she just an add-on?

If you are not showing your appreciation for her as a person to start with, she will probably be in my situation -- which is that I do not want to get attached to the grandchild, there is no point, because she will just break my heart. I learned that lesson once already - my son & barely speak because it's all just too difficult for both of us.
Randy Ritchie
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
ElizaJane, I feel so much sorrow for you, your son, and your grandchild. This goes to show that sometimes the adult child's choice in mate creates poor family dynamics. What a loss for you, and for the grandchild. I agree, seeing the babysitting offer as a negative overture would be hard to take. And if you were to do that to be in your grandchild's life, what happens when you handle the usual occasional naughty thing that children all try? More hurt and heartbreak for you, I'm afraid. I'd be taking the same stand. In fact, I once had a young daughter-in-law comment to me that she had to learn that some grandparents don't want to provide free daycare (she called it babysitting). I did not cave, went back to school and earned my accounting degree. These types don't always remain with the healthy spouse they married. Don't get suckered into an unhealthy relationship. It will hurt the grandchild, once attached to you, to suddenly be yanked out of your grandchild's life, for a real or imagined (more likely) transgression. Blessings to you!
MoChick
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
After reading thru many of these posts, I kinda get the "why" in many of these situations. For us, we have two children, we do not live in the same area as my husbands parents, my parents are dead. We get that they spend time with the grands closest to them. We get that they are the favorites, we may not like that, but we get it. There is one other set of grandkids that live five minutes from us. In the past two years, the Grandparents have come for special events for those kids, understandable, but what we-my husband and I, do not get is that the grandparents can be in town for two to three days before he(my husband) is even aware that they are here.They do not have any desire to see our children-(5 and 9) even being five minutes away, we could happily go there to visit them, but his parents are not interested. I just really want them to know that our kids are fantastic too. And I don't want my kids to feel bad when they know that Grandma is here visiting their cousins, but has no desire to visit them. How do you address it?
Thanks much
icantoosolutions
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I am not an uninterested grandparent but somehow not matter how much you do it is never enough. I have grandchildren from 21 years to 20 months. The older I get the harder it is to do. I still work. I have opted however to only work three days a week so I can help my youngest with her almost two year old. She is going to school and I want to support her and I love being with my granddaughter. I cherish the times we share. This week however I was scared to travel the hour and a half due to the threat of bad weather. I did it last week and was lucky to arrive alive. I feel guilty that I did not go, because she counts on me being there. I wish it was easier not to feel this way.
Randy Ritchie
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
MoChick,

You have more company than you probably realize. Go back and read more about favorite children and their children become the favored ones. The problem is not with the favored children and grandchildren. Assign the problem to the grandparents who do not treat all equally. Been there, and own the Tshirt.

As to how to handle this when the grandparents are coming into town, perhaps the other parents would become allied with you, and tip you off so you can plan something child friendly, that all the grandchildren could participate in. One example, though the possibilities are endless, would be take all the kids rollerskating. The parents and grandparents could visit, kiss boo-boos, and the cousins could have a wonderful time. Maybe there's some bonding you can make with the cousins and their parents, to strengthen the kids' bonds. Maybe they will someday be able to break that cycle. I feel for you!
emma
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I had grand kids living in the city near me and some living 300 miles away. I had no favorites even though I saw the ones in town a lot. Every holiday I sent gifts to the out of town kids, not always expensive gifts even though they weren't gift giving holidays. They were very young and I made a special effort for them to know me through the mail. They started calling me Grandma _____(the city I lived in). I loved that.
Randy Ritchie
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I love that idea! But, if we keep moving, they won't know who we are!
emma
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
No problem with me moving I looked for a new home last month and couldn't find any new development without HOA's. I am in that now and want out. I especially wanted to move to Ft Smith Arkansas, and I will go back when I recover from cataract removal and look for an older home.
Fatherof3
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I can really relate to this. My parents are both retired, well off financially and are awful grandparents. Admittedly my Father is disabled, though this doesnt stop them having holidays abroad, having a social life with friends and lots of other things. They only have our kids as their grandchildren and their idea of a fun day for the kids is to stick them in front of the TV. Anything that involves them leaving the house generally ends in upset as my Mum always complains and or lets us down at the last minute. When my eldest was first born she made a big fuss about what the kids would refer to her as.

In contrast to my wifes Father who still works, has many more grandchildren and is less well off financially he bends over backwards to have a good relationship with all his 7 grandkids.

Ive always had a bad relationship with my Mother and it has come to ahead as i can see her inflicting her selfish ways on my kids, the only option I can see is to take a step back, keep contact to a minumum and let them ask if they want to see their Grandchildren.
Tired_of_this
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Most people are thrilled by the idea of being grandparents, but the reality can sometimes be a real eye-opener. Maybe dealing with loud, wild kids is beyond their temperament. Maybe one on one would be better then dealing with all of them at once. It isn't fair to say a grandparent is selfish when they are at a loss as to how to entertain a bunch of young children; some people are better at it than others. Yes, maybe they are active with friends and travel, but haven't they earned that privilege? Having the 3 girls over for the afternoon absolutely exhausted me, and I'm not yet 50; someone much older, I would imagine, would have even more difficulty with all the (lovely, exuberant) chaos and noise that comes with young kids....
OKC.mom
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
! I have come to the conclusion that after trying for 12 years to initiate occasional visits and phone calls with my childrens' Grandparents, it has been fruitless and useless. I am finally done and moving on. I only have 2 tween aged children, and it is so sad when my son asks why his Grandparents do not like him. He compares himself to the kids at school who seem to always have their grandfolks around. I have never used my folks for day care,trips, babysitting, etc. The only reasoning I can think of is my parents never really wanted me in the first place, and they are now taking it out on my children. I feel awful that it has taken me this long to figure it out. At least I now know that when my children have families of their own, I will look forward to being a loving & involved part of it!
emma
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I was at the mall one day and as I was leaving a white headed woman could not hold on to a toddler struggling to get down out of her arms. He finally got free and ran right out in front of a car. Thankfully he was not hit, but she should not have had the responsibility of that child, she could not handle him.
Fatherof3
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I don't think anyone is asking for grandparents to become surrogate parents. Little things like phoning grandkids on their birthdays, or coming to watch a school or sports event would make all the difference.

My parents also pretend to be great grandparents to their friends, they've recently discovered Facebook and love to brag on it about the grandkids they never bother to contact. Last week was the final straw when they posted about going to see someone else's GKids perform in a concert just down the road from us, they never bothered to call in and we haven't heard from them in 3 months !

Like a previous poster said... I'm done with it. If you want to be a grandparent you have to act like it.
LNmom
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I do feel its not the grandchildren's fault the grandparent isn't there for them. Is it really that difficult to answer questions of a child? To sit in a chair while they play in the yard? My mother is one of the worst role models to my 7 year old daughter. She hates my 3 year old son. She threw us out of her house ( making us homeless) because the kids were too messy and loud. Yet just 6 or 7 months earlier she couldn't wait for us to move to mo and live with her. She has not ever offered to babysit and used to profess she was so excited to be a grandmother while we were living on the coast. She only got to see dd once in a blue moon but but she would buy her stuff and ask for pictures. She took out a restraining order on me (it got thrown out and judge put her nicely in her place) just so kids wouldn't be around to bug her. My kids have no one but me as their mother and she has the nerve to be selfish to innocent children. None of of our family talks to us. No one wants to be there to enjoy these kid's love.. most grandparents are selfish and need to put the children's wants and needs above their own conveniences. these children don't ask to be ignored or shunned. a card once in a while. talking to them is sometimes all a kid wants.
emma
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
None of your family will talk to you and your children????? Evidently it's not just the grandparents!
colleenoz
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Yes, when you hear it's the whole family who are "uninterested" you have to wonder what their side of the story is...
Tonks78
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
OK, I KNOW I'm going to get a lot of hateful replies; but it IS what it IS.
Let me first begin by saying that those of you parents who expect your older parents to babysit your toddler and to just call your parent's to see their grandchildren when it involves babysitting is wrong. it sounds like your parents are resenting your children's grandparents because they won't babysit whenever you need them. I'm sorry but that's wrong. you need a babysitter? Hire someone. your kids grandparents also known as your parents are human beings as well. They are part of your family. You should be calling them for dinner for BBQs for special occasions or just for the hell of it to come and visit and hang and actually have a discussion or sit and watch a movie and actually visit. no offense but it almost sounds like you're using your parents as a free babysitter.

okay that's one part.

now I personally understand those who actually do have no interest grandparents because my mother has narcissistic personality disorder as does my mother in law. they both hate the person that married their child and they show it. my mother hates my husband because he doesn't kiss her butt and because he basically took away her scapegoat, also known as me. I used to drop everything to attend church every one of her whims but as soon as I gave birth to my son and when she would ask me to do something and I couldn't because I was busy breastfeeding I would get criticized that I am feeding my child too much. I'm sorry it is not too much when my breasts are overflowing with milk and pouring out to my shirts and staining them. That basically means I have to A. feed my child or B. pump. so she would get angry at me because I was too busy pumping milk feeding my child.

My MIL hates me because I married her first born son. He's a mix between a golden child and a scapegoat because he always bailed her out when she needed things done and vice versa. Well now that I'm taking him away from her she completely resents me.

are you with me so far?

now with that in mind my husband and I have always been very often invited both moms over for any occasion. We invited him for dinner, invited them to spend the night, or for special weekend like Memorial Day or the 4th of July we invited them to every single birthday party are children of have you invited them to Christmas Thanksgiving Easter dinner, shoot we invited them for Halloween!
Tonks78
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
OK, I KNOW I'm going to get a lot of hateful replies; but it IS what it IS.
Let me first begin by saying that those of you parents who expect your older parents to babysit your toddler and to just call your parent's to see their grandchildren when it involves babysitting is wrong. it sounds like your parents are resenting your children's grandparents because they won't babysit whenever you need them. I'm sorry but that's wrong. you need a babysitter? Hire someone. your kids grandparents also known as your parents are human beings as well. They are part of your family. You should be calling them for dinner for BBQs for special occasions or just for the hell of it to come and visit and hang and actually have a discussion or sit and watch a movie and actually visit. no offense but it almost sounds like you're using your parents as a free babysitter.

okay that's one part.

now I personally understand those who actually do have no interest grandparents because my mother has narcissistic personality disorder as does my mother in law. they both hate the person that married their child and they show it. my mother hates my husband because he doesn't kiss her butt and because he basically took away her scapegoat, also known as me. I used to drop everything to attend church every one of her whims but as soon as I gave birth to my son and when she would ask me to do something and I couldn't because I was busy breastfeeding I would get criticized that I am feeding my child too much. I'm sorry it is not too much when my breasts are overflowing with milk and pouring out to my shirts and staining them. That basically means I have to A. feed my child or B. pump. so she would get angry at me because I was too busy pumping milk feeding my child.

My MIL hates me because I married her first born son. He's a mix between a golden child and a scapegoat because he always bailed her out when she needed things done and vice versa. Well now that I'm taking him away from her she completely resents me.

are you with me so far?

now with that in mind my husband and I have always been very often invited both moms over for any occasion. We invited him for dinner, invited them to spend the night, or for special weekend like Memorial Day or the 4th of July we invited them to every single birthday party are children of have you invited them to Christmas Thanksgiving Easter dinner, shoot we invited them for Halloween!
Tonks78
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I'm having problems posting messages sorry for the cutoff.

my point is that there a lot of you that have wonderful loving parents that are willing to be great grandparents and don't have narcissistic personality disorder. The ones that refuse to hang with her grandchildren according to this post sound like your parents have narcissistic personality disorder or some sort of anti- social disorder. my kids actually get more love from neighbors who are grandparent age then they do from their own grandmothers. My father in law who my husband just came into contact with years ago is crazy about his grandchildren and calls them just for the hell of it. He's coming to my sons graduation this Friday all the way from Mississippi. My mother who lives 2 blocks away and my mother in law lives 40 minutes away are not coming. of course we invited them but they're not coming and my 14 year old son is devastated! our son is old enough to know the ugly truth which is sometimes people just don't want to be with you which really sucks even if its your own family, but know this son; WE will always be there for you and we love you very much. He's finally accepted this fact and isn't happy about it but he's accepted it.

I remember one time asking my mother to babysit my son. My son was about a year old and it was our wedding anniversary. at that time we lived in the same building as my mother. I asked her if she would please watch her son while my husband I went out for dinner for couple hours. She said "NO! YOU wanted to have a baby, now you take care of that baby." Ok then; so we went out for dinner for our anniversary and brought our son with us. I never asked her to babysit my son or my daughter after that. Never! but when we moved out I constantly ask her to come over to visit, come over for dinner, come over for breakfast, come over for coffee, come over just for the hell of it, come over and watch a great movie I just got. She never comes.

when it's a situation like that you need to cut ties. You can expose your children to such hateful and meaningless energy. Your kids will think that behavior is normal which it is not. If you honestly have tried to include your parents and grandparents with your children and it has failed, move on. Don't walk run away from people like that. They are energy vampires and suck your soul out before you know it.

Aside from the children being hurt, like one poster said your parents are going to be sitting in a nursing home in their own poop wondering where their children and grandchildren are.

this is just my opinion from my own personal experience and from years of study with psych classes involving social psychiatry and anti-social disorders
Tonks78
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I'm having problems posting messages sorry for the cutoff.

my point is that there a lot of you that have wonderful loving parents that are willing to be great grandparents and don't have narcissistic personality disorder. The ones that refuse to hang with her grandchildren according to this post sound like your parents have narcissistic personality disorder or some sort of anti- social disorder. my kids actually get more love from neighbors who are grandparent age then they do from their own grandmothers. My father in law who my husband just came into contact with years ago is crazy about his grandchildren and calls them just for the hell of it. He's coming to my sons graduation this Friday all the way from Mississippi. My mother who lives 2 blocks away and my mother in law lives 40 minutes away are not coming. of course we invited them but they're not coming and my 14 year old son is devastated! our son is old enough to know the ugly truth which is sometimes people just don't want to be with you which really sucks even if its your own family, but know this son; WE will always be there for you and we love you very much. He's finally accepted this fact and isn't happy about it but he's accepted it.

I remember one time asking my mother to babysit my son. My son was about a year old and it was our wedding anniversary. at that time we lived in the same building as my mother. I asked her if she would please watch her son while my husband I went out for dinner for couple hours. She said "NO! YOU wanted to have a baby, now you take care of that baby." Ok then; so we went out for dinner for our anniversary and brought our son with us. I never asked her to babysit my son or my daughter after that. Never! but when we moved out I constantly ask her to come over to visit, come over for dinner, come over for breakfast, come over for coffee, come over just for the hell of it, come over and watch a great movie I just got. She never comes.

when it's a situation like that you need to cut ties. You can expose your children to such hateful and meaningless energy. Your kids will think that behavior is normal which it is not. If you honestly have tried to include your parents and grandparents with your children and it has failed, move on. Don't walk run away from people like that. They are energy vampires and suck your soul out before you know it.

Aside from the children being hurt, like one poster said your parents are going to be sitting in a nursing home in their own poop wondering where their children and grandchildren are.

this is just my opinion from my own personal experience and from years of study with psych classes involving social psychiatry and anti-social disorders
lisaw2015 (ME)
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
"most grandparents are selfish and need to put the children's wants and needs above their own conveniences"

Ummm, no, most Grandparents are NOT selfish!! Boy, you got some nerve lady!
lisaw2015 (ME)
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
We are the GRANDparents, NOT the parents! Wow, I really fell blessed to have such an amazing DD & SIL, THANK YOU!!
Lorri Dailey
11 years ago
Many of these post amaze me. Parents, as time passes your perspective may change, I know mine has I had 2 Boys. My mil had another son with 5 kids she kept all the time so when mine came along she didn't really want to sit much. At the time my feelings were very hurt. My mom is just a controlling nut and would take to long to even get into. Now that I am a grandparent I do see things differently. I love my grand babies. First I have a business but I have tried to be involved, when my youngest son's wife thought I wasn't doing enough she quit letting us see the baby unless she wanted something. Now my other son's wife has gotten a job and thinks I should be her sitter when her's bails but what really makes me nuts is that they they both think I do more for the other babies then their's. I try to do as I can for who needs. Would I rather spend time with one more than the other? Sometimes and it changes depending on the stage they are in.

When I needed a sitter I paid for one. I never did and still don't ask people to do things for me. Children are parents responsibility not grandparents. No one has the right to expect another to do things for them or their children. Nor do you have the right to punish those who won't do more for you to make your life easier. Be responsible, accept what people can give and as long as grandparents are willing to do as you ask when they are in their care, stop using them to get even.

That being said,, I do love them and I want to be a better grandparent then my parents were. But it's not my job to buy your kids stuff or to be your daycare. When you are at my house I expect you to mind your children and teach them to behave when around others. And I expect you to watch your toddlers and respect my furniture and things. It's not pleasant to have children over who are destructive and messy and who's parents don't bother to pick up their messes or who allows their one year old to scream every time they aren't happy that you didnt do something they wanted.

Whew.. Got that off my chest.
ryseryse_2004
11 years ago
My oldest son recently said "mom never really wanted grandchildren'. At first it was hurtful then I realized that he was absolutely right. I raised four well-adjusted kids who are all married to their first spouses. I have 18 grandchildren. The son who I quoted has 8 of those. He lives in NY and we were in IL at the time. We visited a couple of times but when the visits were never reciprocated (yes, I know they had lots of kids but also had lots of $$) we never went back. As a result, we have never met three of those kids and yes, we don't really know the ones we met.

The others lived close to us when we were in IL (2 hours away) but we rarely saw them except for holidays. They kids were all involved in sports/activities and couldn't make the time. Also, we didn't make the time to go to their sports/activities. I spent a life watching baseball/wrestling/gymnastics etc. and it isn't my idea of a good way to spend a day anymore. So, we moved to TN where we can afford to live comfortably. We are now 10 hours from most of these grandchildren. Three out of four families don't bother to set up a Skype acct. so we can talk to the kids face to face. So ---- the story has other sides. We have a life here and frankly have no regrets.
patty_cakes42
11 years ago
I am a mother of 5, and a grandmother of 6, 2 I see on a regular basis as the other 4 are out of state. When my kids were younger and we lived about about an hour away from my parents, we packed all 5 kids up in the station wagon at least every couple of weeks to visit them, always on a Sunday. Both my parents worked, and I never questioned our going there to visit, nor did my husband. It was something I personally wanted to do, and there was never a question as to why/why not. We also did not have expectations of our parents coming to any of the childrens events. They were young enough and 'still had a life', and I never felt the need for them to give up their time. They send cards for birthdays/graduations, but holidays were always spent w/them at their house. As for playing with the kids, my dad would joke around with them, but don't remember mom playing with them since they always seemed to entertain themselves with things they brought with them, or play with their cousins.

My in-laws were out of state and we never put expectations on them either. They would make the drive once a year to our house, and we would visit them during the summer when the kids were out of school. MIL was also very good at sending cards/gifts for birthdays/Christmas and the kids were always excited to get something in the mail.

If parents want to spend the money on outside activities for the kids, that's all well and good, but they shouldn't have expectations of their parents attending those events. My daughter tells me when the kids are having a school event or another activity, and asks me if I want to go, but never has the expectation that I WILL go. Grandparents need to hold their ground and not allow their grown children to bully them into feeling guilty. You've already done *your* job!
sswildflower2013
11 years ago
Hi Everyone, I'am new to this forum but would really like people's opinions or advice on my grandparent situation. My mother has not seen my son he is now 6 months old she travelled a couple of hours to the hospital when he was being born with my adult sister who also hasn't seen her nephew. I had complications giving birth and he was born 18 hours later. My mother and sister ended up leaving my older teenage daughter in tears in the waiting area at the hospital as they had decided to leave and drive back to their home. My partner offered them to go back to our home to freshen up etc but they refused. My sister had asked to come in and watch me give birth but as this had not been preorganised the midwife wasn't happy about it and I was in too much pain to argue or really be concerned nor did I see it as an issue. My mother and sister whoever have used this as the reason they are upset and haven't seen my son. I was so hurt I phoned my mother and asked her why she left why she left my daughter in tears she just said she was very tired and needed to get going home. Since then I send my mother and sister lots of photos and updates of my sons development and get very little back. My partner has phoned my mother as he cant understand why she is doing this ..she has then used every excuse her car is playing up .. So he suggested the train... Her neck is not good ... We suggest to meet her half way.. I just told my partner not to worry bout her... I have to try and do the same but it's very hurtful and I don't understand why my mother is intentionally trying to hurt me and made my sons birth experience all about her... Sick of trying have given up but I don't want a babysitter I just want my son to know the love of his grandmother... Think we all need love in our hearts for that to happen what I hear on this forum are some grandparents who sound very self centred wow yes you need to love itself before you can love others but some people don't look beyond their own noses and I find it truly disgusting.
sjmcphereson
10 years ago
I have been dealing with a similar situation as yours for 20 years. My MIL is very histronic, and my SIL is narcissistic. My advice to you is to enjoy your young family, don't spend a moment of energy on jumping thru hoops, trying to get your mom to bond with your kids. It most likely won't happen, if she isnt making the effort. I can attest to this after several years of bringing her on vacations with us, solely for the purpose of creating a very nice, experience for them to get to know one another. I have never asked her to babysit. Several years of casinos, museums, parks, boring antique shops and LONG ASS country sightseeing drives later, (all time I could have spent with my kids,at disney land or flying kites and jumping through puddles) The only time she wants to see us is if we can do a mainenance at her home, or drive her to the airport (several hours away) for her next big trip. Now, when we travel the 5 hours to visit her, the kids just go to the back rooms and never engage with her because she has never expressed an interest in them dispite the opportunities we have afforded her.

Again, I can't reiterate enough, don't spend time trying to force it. Because also having a sister who may be similar to my SIL, it will be doubly as painful. She needs/wants all the attention. And the MIL gladly gives it. What is likely to happen is: If by chance your mom does have a positive moment of with your child, and your sister gets wind of it, she will spread her disease around and it will all unravel, leaving a wake if bad memories to reflect back upon. We went through this each year, on birthdays as well as Christmas holidays. Every year about a week before either my b-day or my husbands, my SIL will call someone in the circle and stir the pot to start a 2 week long phone fight. She is a mastermind and we can predict it. Now, we are attempting to become immune. As parents, time with our kids goes SO fast, don't waste a moment of it in this disfunction.
berri1 berry
10 years ago
My mom had a ton of help with her kids. She got help from their biological father and grandparents raised some of us. She had several kids out of wedlock. We weren't even raised together for many years. Now that it is our turn, she claims that she is worn out and wants to rest and enjoy herself. She never offers to babysit and always expects us to take her out for social time. It just seems selfish, like she forgot how much help she received. At one point, she even thought that we should give her money, just out of respect for her being a parent, as a gift. She was even resentful over it for many years until one of my siblings started buying her things, then she stopped complaining so much. She'll give gifts to the grand kids or cook but only if we are in the house with her. She just refuses to babysit. The other set of grandparents never watch the grand kids either because they say that they are too old. They like spending time with the kids along as we are in the room and they don't have to lift a finger for them. They have plenty of money but rarely give gifts at all. Last birthday, they gave my son a card with seven dollars. At christmas time, they give no gifts for the past 8 yrs. How can you look in the face of your grandchild at xmas and not even give a dollar? I never knew that it was possible. I not asking for anyone to raise my children but I do think that it would be nice to volunteer to give the parents a break once a year. I thought that it took a village to raise a child, but I guess not. My husband and I are doing it on our own.
sushipup1
10 years ago
I'm agreeing with your husband. You are hurting yourself and teaching your children the same thing by expecting other people to behave the way you want them to. Take the kids to someplace fun instead of visiting the grandparents. It's their loss. It will only make you miserable. and it won't change anything.

Turn this corner and get on with your life. You are not going to change your in-laws in any way. Stop making yourself miserable.
Linda Holden
10 years ago
I am 54 years old and a grandmother of four. Right now, one of my daughters isn't talking to me and says she doesn't ever want anything to do with me. She calls me selfish and only thinking of me. She posted on fb for all to see saying what a lousy grandma I am because I do not spend enough one-on-one time with her two boys. As soon as two other family members responded, she cut them off completely also. At this point she has cut the entire family off. She says yes, I've always been there when she needed me regarding the boys, always babysat if she needed, always came to every birthday, etc, yes, I came to the house to visit off and on. We did easter eggs at my house sometimes, birthdays. But because I never reached out much to take them "one-on-one" I wasn't a good enough grandma and none of the rest mattered. I've tried to talk to her about it more than once, telling her we should work it out because family is important, but she wants nothing to do with me and says she doesn't want to work anything out. As of now, she only lets me see the kids between 10am-8pm and never overnight....just because she says so-she says I'm lucky I get to see them at all. I'm not allowed to do things with all my grandkids at once because she refused to let them see their cousins because she doesn't get along with her sister. She threatens that if she ever finds out I let them be around their cousins, she'll take them away from me for good. I feel she is being the selfish one for depriving her kids from all the family even more all because of her selfish anger. As a single mother, I've had them all live with me 3 times during her own life problems while I still had two of my own children at home.... I did it for my other daughter and kids twice also. I was there for her for every part of her life, through her divorce, their births, my grandson's autism that I found help for when she was in denial. We used to do Easters, Christmas, Thanksgiving etc. together. Then she got a boyfriend and a lot of drama started between them and the visits became fewer in between because of their problems. I used to be in a one-bd apt which made it hard to have the kids overnight without them getting restless and bored. I was getting excited because I bought a house for the first time this year and now I have lots of room for them to sleep, a safe place for them to play out front,and a backyard for them to enjoy....but then all this happened. It hurts a lot for all the awful things she has said to me and I've cried a lot, but I don't know what to do. She makes me constantly second-guess myself as a grandma, even though my other daughter and grandkids have no problem with me and love me just as I love them.
Linda Holden
10 years ago
The more I read on here, the better I feel. I grew up with no grandparents, they all died when I was little. My kids grew up with only one set of grandparents because my dad and their dad's dad were far away and didn't care too much. My mom and dad lived about 4 hours away. We saw her every Christmas and sometimes in between when I could afford to go visit her. So my kids didn't get to see them too often, but we had good times when we did. Did it bother me that my mom didn't come to visit me? Yes, but I never cut her off for not being the perfect mom or grandma. But I vowed I would do better. I have 4 daughters, and when I got my first granddaughter, I still had a 5 year old and 11 yr old, and 17 yr old. By the time I had my next two grandsons, I still had two daughters at home. It was like having more kids, especially since they all lived with me when in financial crisis, when going through a divorce, etc. I remember my daughter telling me it was my job as a grandmother to babysit the kids and I should want to, and besides, I had nothing else to do anyways. She was dating online at the time and I finally said no more. I would babysit for her, but not every weekend while she was going out with a new guy each time. Now back to the present where she has cut me out of her life......when she was throwing all the stuff about me being selfish and not spending enough time with the boys, I asked her why she never invited me over her house to visit.... bbq or play cards (I had mentioned it to her more than once) and her only excuse was she couldn't afford to bbq because her bf wasn't working enough. When I asked her why she never came over when I invited her and boys to go swimming.....well, she ignored that one. Two weeks before she posted about me on fb, I finally got them to come swimming, but she brought this new friend of hers and her kids with her and spent the whole time talking to her, so I think that was the only reason she finally came. One week before she posted the fb post about me, I had emailed her from work asking if they wanted to go to a baseball game cause my work offered me free tickets. I thought the boys would enjoy it. She refused. Two days before the post, I had emailed her because I knew her birthday was coming up and I offered to babysit the boys (including her bf's son) so they could go do something special and she said no thank you and don't ask why. I thought at the time it was cause she was mad at her bf. And then I get the post about being such a bad grandma-so I truly was it total shock. I had to stay home two day from work I was so upset. I just don't understand.....if it all really mattered to her, why doesn't she want to make it work when it's offered? Instead she says no, I don't care, I don't miss you, the boys are losing much, and I'm embarrassed to call any of you family. That was also even after two of her sisters said sorry for not visiting more (even though they live far away)
Linda Holden
10 years ago
I remember when I bought an ice cream maker and it was my grandchildren that I thought of when choosing to. I used to talk about having them over as soon as I had a backyard so I could use my firepit and toast marshmallows with them....little things-special little moments together. I did a lot of thinking after my daughter cut me off. And I did realize that when she went through all the drama with her bf, it caused visits to be less because there was so much bad stuff going on between them. There was a lot of drama that the family wasn't liking between them. So I apologized to her for letting that get in the way of me seeing the boys as often as I used to, but I reminded her that she needed to take responsibility also since she stopped coming over too, even when invited. My daughter says the only reason I am hurting from all this is because the truth hurts. She told me don't waste your time saying sorry because you're only saying because you're forced to. I wonder sometimes, if she's only doing this all because she's the one who just doesn't want anything to do with her family. If she cared, wouldn't she want things to be fixed and get better? Everyone else in the family has opened their eyes from this and is trying harder to spend more time together. But she is the one who says no, you guys aren't worth it to me. Yeah it hurts. It hurts a lot. It takes away from our Christmas and Thanksgiving since her and boys will never be there. I never know what's going on in the boys life anymore, with school, how my autistic grandson is doing because the only time she will talk to me is when I want to arrange a visit with them.Her bf's son knew me as grandma also, and because he got mad at me during all this, he refuses to ever let me see him again. How selfish is that to his son? Now he has to watch me take the other boys places and not him. Like a grandma who just walked away from him too. I wonder what reason his dad gives him.
Linda Holden
10 years ago
If anyone reads this, thanks for letting me vent and get this off my shoulder a little bit, even if I'm venting to no one, it still helped a little
San Bee
9 years ago
Two years ago, it was my dream come true when I was able to move close to my son, DIL and two granddaughters after living across the country (not by my own choice) during the previous six years of their lives. Sadly, it became obvious that after a short while, they were unhappy when they were brought over to stay for a few hours at the lovely home I share with my husband (who is not the father of my son). They seemed bored, uncommunicative and disinterested in the things we tried so hard to entertain them with. When we went to watch them participate in sports events, they barely spoke to us after the games. So it was no longer enjoyable to go. We took them out for a treat at a local cafe and they acted out and were unruly and wild to the point the manager made the comment to me "I've seen boys behave like this before, but never girls". My DIL has a mother who never remarried (or even dates) after her divorce from my DIL's father. She has been close to the grandkids from the day they were born. I try to justify their coldness to ME could be out of their sense of loyalty to HER. I cherish every moment I had with my own two kids and am so happy I got to be a stay-at-home mom most of the time they were growing up. This helps me deal with being the unappreciated grandma I am today. I am very much into enjoying activities on my own (and with my husband) so this also helps me deal with their lack of interest in me. It helps me also when I read how kids have been spoiled by their parents in the last several years, trying to be their best friend rather than their parent and kids are growing up with no sense of discipline or direction. So that is one big reason why they are unhappy and depressed and take it out on others who care about them.
epack
8 years ago
I have three girls. Twin 5 year olds and a 7 year old. My twin girls were born at 23 weeks. One stayed in the hospital for 4 mo and the other stayed for 9, as she needed a multi organ transplant. While they were in the hospital they had three living grandparents- the paternal grandfather is insane and we couldnt tell him where the girls were. My mother visited them 1 to 2 times a MONTH and my father never visited them, not even once. At the time i did all i could and tried not to think about the lack of family and visitors but now, the thought of my girls sitting on ventilators all alone when me and their dad couldnt be there makes me sick to my stomach. My dad is scum- so it wasnt a suprise when he never visited, but my mother and I were very close so her not visiting her very ill grandchildren is unexcusable and selfish, especially when you sit at home the majority of the day and talk on the phone. My daughter- who received the transplant-gets sick a lot and stays in the hospital every few months.. sometimes for a few weeks and my mom MAY come up once, but that is all. As the years pass I distance myself from her more and more. I can't face her because: number 1, I know I'll want to be mean and number 2, even if I'm nice about it she'll feel terrible and I don't want to hurt her. Keeping my distance is my best option.
colleenoz
8 years ago
I’m sorry, epack, but I think you are being unreasonable. Everyone has their limits for coping and perhaps your mother finds it distressing (maybe even for reasons you are not aware of) to visit a sick child. She may also be aware of your little one’s compromised immune system and be afraid of passing on some illness that could be disastrous. Or perhaps _her_ immune system is compromised and she is afraid of catching something herself.

Why could you and your husband not be with your children?

Uninterested Grandparents

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