I don't think so. Some people are simply not interested in children. I don't mean to imply that they don't love them, it's just that they are really not interested in what they are doing, growing or whatever. I have five grands and three step-grands. I don't think there is any way that you can get them to develop a "fantastic relationship" with your children if they don't feel the need to develope it themselves.

If you feel that this is driving a wedge in your relationship with your dad, then I suggest you take a good look at yourself. It is YOU that is driving the wedge, not what you perceive as HIS disinterest. Sorry to sound blunt, but that is the way it sounds to me. Accept your father as he is.

By the way, very few people would find details about how fast your child is being potty trained or how long the other ones attention span is, very interesting. I don't think I could manage to even pretend interest.

It seems to me when divorce occurs and either the man or both parties re-marry, the man and his new wife seem to distance themselves some from his kids and grand kids. Don't know why....and can't tell you what to do....but I have seen it happen many times.
Linda C

Could be because in many divorce situations, the father suffered from "guilty father syndrome", of which the primary symptom is handing out money and expensive gifts to his kids to make up for whatever unhappiness they may have in life, and pampering them in other ways. When the new wife comes along, she points out how wrong this is, and then the constant, never-ending flow of money stops. The father didn't know any other way to express his love. And, there's no reason for the kids to call or come around any longer (since they can't get hand-outs), so *they* distance themselves from dad. Trouble is, they don't see it that way; they think Dad has abandoned them because he doesn't give them everything they want any more.

I'm not saying this is the case of the original poster... but this is the case of many divorced dads who remarry.

Hi again. Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

I will take Aileen's response to heart. It probably is my fault for driving the wedge -- but I can't imagine how I wouldn't feel hurt. You know the love and pride a mother feels for her children. But with a little more time and evaluation, I'm sure I'll be able to accept the situation and try to fix the relationship.

I hate to seem defensive, but I did want to explain one thing ... I don't talk to my parents (or others) about potty-training and attention spans. I guess I wrote those words to try to explain that my kids don't have behavior problems. If they were out-of-control or bratty, I might be able to understand the lack of interest.

The divorce question is interesting. I lived with my dad after the divorce and have been very close to both him and my stepmom. I'm also close to my step-siblings so I know that it's not just me -- grandpa and grandma seem to have little interest in her natural grandchildren either.

Thanks again for your comments. I look forward to hearing any other views out there.

A question: How long have your dad and stepmom been married? If not very long, then perhaps they are just behaving like other newlywed couples who are much younger... they're in the bonding stage in which they want to spend a lot of time alone or doing things together. Grandparents who have been married 30 or 40 years are WAY past that stage of getting to know each other. The first several years of any marriage is a big adjustment and any marriage, whether the 1st or 2nd, deserves just as much attention and commitment to each party in the marriage in order make the marriage work. Any marriage takes a lot of work and commitment to make it work, no matter how young or old they are married. The demands and expectations of children (whether young or adult) at the immediate onset of a marriage can put strain on the marriage relationship as they try to divide their attention for each other with everyone else around them. Young, childless newlyweds don't have that challenge -- unless they have parents or in-laws who can't let go of their kids or place unreasonable demands on them.

Good point, Jenn. They've been married for 14 years -- past the newlywed stage, but you're right that it still takes a lot of work. They have pulled away from all of us -- that's good and understandable since we're all grown up now. I just worry that it's going too far and that they're isolating themselves too much and missing out on being grandparents.

I know our children have busy working and daycare lives; and so, we dont like to call them on the phone..not knowing what we may interrupt. We usually E-mail them with what's new and ask how everyone is, etc. They answer pretty soon after. That seems to work for all concerned.
Sometimes, when grandparents seem uninterested, although they do love their grandchildren; they are just tired out, or have some health problem they're trying to adjust to or correct.

The comment about divorced fathers and the new step mothers distancing themselves is really wrong. Maybe that was the situation of some but not all. You can't make a sterotype out of divorced and remarried people because all couples are different.

I'm learning a lot as I get older about relationships with parents and in-laws and such. Often when someone complains about how rude the in-laws or they're parents have become and totally blame the parents, they don't stop to think and look at what they are doing. Like someone will say how they're parents never call or come to visit, however they fail to mention that they don't call they're parents or ever go see them. (I'm not saying this is the case, it's an example). Like you say that the grandfather doesn't mention or ask about the kids~do you usually just come out and tell him? Could this just be his nature? Is he a talker or a listener? who keeps the convertsation going the most? Was your father happy to know you were having kids, getting married, etc? There is something that is the reason for all this. Take a close look at things and try to figure it out. Ask your Mom if your father was interested in you as you were growing up or more later on? Some people don't like little kids and only grow closer to they're children as they get older. I hope you figure it out soon so you can feel better about the situation.

Oh, and here's something else I've learned about that really works~TALK to your Dad and get to the bottom of it. Ask why he's the way he is and get him to be totally honest. Be prepared for what may come, however. Too many people keep they're mouths shut and won't talk today about they're problems and then wonder why things are the way they are. Lots of relationships, marriages, friendships and such have broken up just because of the lack of communication. You don't want that to happen with you and your father.

~Leslie~

My husband's parents are also 'disinterested grandparents'.
They have 7 grandchildren and my son, at 16 is the eldest.
It's slightly complicated as my husband was born before they were married and HIS grandmother insisted he was adopted (this was in the 60s) Soon after they had given him up for adoption his parents married and went on to have 2 more children. My husband traced his birth parents just before our own son was born and was welcomed into the family with open arms, they were excited about the baby and we felt part of the family, everyone was welcoming.
However when my son was about 3 years old his grandparents suddenly divorced and from that point really ceased to be grandparents or parents, whether they were reliving their youths I don't know and if they were who could blame them as things must have been tough for them as young people. However I've never been able to understand how they could just 'drop' their son and grandson because of it.
There has been very little contact with them since their divorce, birthday and christmas gifts, IF they remember, have been passed on to my son through a third party, they seem to treat him more like the child of former neighbours or friends they hardly see than a grandson.
We live in the same area so it's not distance that is a factor. My husband is close to his brother, they are great friends, the brother's children are treated in almost exactly the same way so it isn't the 'adoption' factor either and there have never been any arguments or disagreements between us. My husband occaisionaly speaks to his mother on the phone to keep up contact, they chat amicably but that is all.
I suspect what they are doing is 'normal' to them, it's just how their family works, my husband and I were brought up in closer families, now all deceased so we have no other relatives than these people.
So the outcome basically is that my son had grandparents till the age of 3, nothing after that. He doesn't even know what to call them. He told me he saw his grandfather in the street recently, I asked if he had said hello, he replied that he hadn't 'because I don't really know him, I didn't know what to say'. All very sad. I had just one grandmother but we were very close so I probably miss the relationship on my son's behalf more than he actually misses it as he has never known it. There's no way you can force people to take an interest though. Just love your kids the best you can and try and be better grandparents to their children in the future.

Sarah in the UK

I have 7 grandchildren. 5 of the grandparents are totally disinterested - some have never acknowledged the kids in any way. 2 grandparents see the kids occasionally, but never to baby sit, or ever take care of the kids. Then there is me, 4 of my g.kids almost live at my house, and the others come over every week end. I like it that way. You can't get to "know" a child unless you spend time with them. I like the feeling of knowing I am making a difference in these kids lives. They all like to come to my house.
Maybe your father doesn't care for small children. A lot of people are like that. Thats his loss. The kids will never really know him.

I have two Grandsons. Not a thing could cause me to not spend time with them. I don't understand why anyone could just neglect their Grand kids. I make sure I see mine at least every couple of days or more if I can. My oldest is 2 and 1/2 years old and when I can't see him we talk on the phone together. I choose to make them a part of my life. I guess your family has to choose to do the same. When I get old and will need to live in a care home i hope they will visit me as much as I visit them.

Iarsk, I hope you can manage to not take this personally. It is true, some people are just not interested in children. I'm one of them. We had 5 children in a less than 4 year span. For 20 years our life was completely devoted to them, the farm, the family. Truth is, we're just plain tired and want to do things ourselves now. Yes, we see all the 6 (so far) grandchildren. But we both breathe a sigh of relief when they are gone, and usually just fall into bed. I'm not much of a 'hands-on' grandma. I don't want to babysit, I don't offer advise, (but will give my best guess when asked.) Well, 2 of the grandchildren are just tiny, not old enough to 'play' with yet. The other 4 are like whirling dirvishes, never slow down for a moment. Their mother doesn't seem to mind that, but it's hard on us.

I doubt your parents, neither dad nor his wife, are trying to be hurtful. Not all of us are meant to be caregivers for our entire lifespans. Some of us do the very best we can with utter attention and devotion to raise our own families, then we feel like we're done, and want to move on to other things in life. Just enjoy your babies. Appreciate every age and every stage. Maybe some day you, too, will want to be more removed from childrearing. You never know.
j

Why do you think it is your responsibility to spark an interest? Your parents will get out of their grandchildren exactly what they put into them. You cannot "make" them have the relationship that you have idealized in your mind.
Let things happen as they will and concentrate on your own relationship with YOUR children. This will only drive a wedge between you and your parents if YOU let it. Realize that your parents are just doing what comes natural to them and do not fault them for it. Take life as it comes and stop sweating it.

How do I get Grandma who is caring for my brother's two young children to pay any attention at all to my children? They miss her terribly, but she is so involved being a "Mommy" at 70 years old that she doesn't even send them cards anymore. Brother has been getting back on his feet from drug use and prison for 7 years now. How long should it take?

Grantsky - Does you mom know that your kids miss her? She may be so overwhelmed with caring for the cousins that she doesn't know. My own energy level isn't what it used to be and I overlook some stuff unintentionally. I'm trying to take a positive view but you know the actual situation .

Grantsky, I imagine your mother is totally overwhelmed, being a mother at 25 is not an easy task, I can't imagine doing it at 70, cut her some slack. Face it, your brother is never going to get back on his feet, and with that kind of history, the kids are probably much better off with their grandmother.

Maybe you can take all the kids for an outing and give her a day off every month, or every week, and then trade kids for a day, or take your kids over, and stay, and all do something together. She needs help from you, in both of your roles - as her daughter, and as a mother.

You have an amazing mother, willing to make such a sacrifice for her family, and give those kids the only chance they'll probably ever have for a decent life. You must be very proud of her.

It's their loss not yours. My grandparents were the same. Both sets of grandparents on both my mother and fathers side of the family never took an interest in me or what I did. Now their all alone and no one comes to visit them. Its not about the expensive presents or where they take them but its being there for the kids and showing that you care as their grandparetns is what counts. Don't worry some day they'll regret what they did. My grandparetns the one's that are still alive certaintly do but I don't really care about them. I don't want to come off as mean and cruel but it is what it is, you konw? Why should I care for people who didn't care about me when I was growing up.

I just wanted to provide an update in our situation to help boost the spirits of others. Things have improved with my in-laws. They said they didn't get too involved because my husband's older brother had long ago told them to stay out of their affairs, so they became a little reluctant to involve themselves in our lives out of fear of the same thing happening. They now call and FaceTime regularly, which is awesome. So, to others wishing grandparents would take more of an interest, maybe things will change! My parents on the other hand, have only gotten worse. In the last five months they have sent one email consisting of two short sentences wishing a happy birthday to my four-year old. I used to try calling and emailing, but it was just too upsetting to not get any response, so I've stopped initiating contact, and now I only respond to them when they email. Which is now twice a year - once for each of my boys' birthdays. Nice.

Well said Jerri.