But husbands are apparently the same everywhere! ;~)

Advocacy... Mum's health "crashed" about 3years ago and she has been with me about that long. I have been to every appointment, every test, every surgery/recovery/rehabilitation. She didn't very much like my "intrusion" but it was clear to my brother and me that she was not capable of adequately relaying information to us. So... Fairegold, I had not realized your mother died. I'm so sorry. I know that every one has their time, but it is always a shock, and a relief, and a sadness when it happens. You were good to her; being good and kind to people carries a reward we often don't fully appreciate until they're gone. :) I have two things to offer: the actual medical services available to us are simply amazing. The "before" and "after" care, however STINKS. I have dealt with more nurses and doctors than I can count. Sadly, I have to say the quality of nursing is abyssmal; I made it a point to be polite and pleasant. But when they were unwilling to make time to discuss Mum's condition with me I lost whatever faith I had in the profession. When I watched a nurse drop an exam glove on the floor and then pick it up to PUT IT ON before changing Mum's urostomy I was horrified. "Were you planning on using that one?", I asked as she was preparing to do just that. She looked nervous and was even more nervous as I supervised the urostomy change... noting that is was done improperly. (I do it on average every 5 days, and have for 2 years now; I now realize I've FORGOTTEN more about the process than most RNs ever knew). The same nurse failed to raise the rails on Mum's bed and she got out of bed, confused. She fell hard, cracking her kneecap and badly spraining her wrist... all this followed a stroke. Why didn't the nurse have the presence of mind to realize a stroke patient doens't make good decisions and is a likely candidate for injury resulting from compromised decision making? HELLO? whatever happened to "common sense"? that's how "medical professionals" operate? Doctors. They're busy. They have a lot to juggle. Most have pathetic interpersonal skills. It's the rare jewel who has warmth, a sense of humor, and willingness to be direct and honest. Here's what we did: every day either my brother or I would visit Mum. We arrived at varying times of the day, That way, we knew all the staffers and had a chance to find a sympathetic one. We brought notebooks with us, and we took notes, jotting down the nurses' names, the doctor's name, the time of the visit, etc.. We noted whether or not the urostomy pouch was full, half full, empty... whenther or not she was simply left the sit, hooked to a Foley bag. We noted her cleanliness, if her hearing aids were in, and if the batteries were dead. We brought our digital cameras and took pictures. (Those pictures were a real "hit" when the social worker at the last "rehab." place proved difficult about discharging Mum after 5 weeks... she was "approved" for 8! nothing like a creeping skin condition all over her back to give 'em a case of "the worries", lol). Each of us called the doctors and requested information. We set up times to meet with them to discuss Mum and her condition/progress. Sometimes I did it, sometimes my brother did. Other times we did it together. We were polite, direct, and ON TIME. Being an advocate requires that you be PREPARED, informed, and as polite as you can be; have your questions prepared in advance if you're able. You have to be patient with staff and understand that they DO have a lot to manage on a daily basis, but when you're faced with something unacceptable you have to be willing to be steely-eyed, icy toned, and simply refuse to accept the usual litany of excuses. Believe me, nothing gets the attention of staff faster. And when staff has really gone above and beyond, you must say thank-you and do something kind. I can still the urologist's face when he saw Mum the first time. She weighed 84 lbs., was grey, slow, and sullen. He minced around the obvious reality, using "polite" phrases to avoid saying the obvious. I finally got out the chair, put my hands on his desk and looked him in the eye, "Look, doc., I am a busy woman. I have neither time nor patience for bulls!!t, get to the point.". He met my gaze and began the medical dictation of Mum's case... it wasn't good. He scheduled the next cystoscopy... when he saw her 6 weeks later, she had put on 12 lbs., had rosey cheeks, and he didn't recognize her. After the test, he spoke with me... told me I had done an amazing job with her, that he respected and appreciated my direct manner and willingness to pay attention to small details... as those are the things that make a difference when an elderly person faces a health crisis. He told me then that he had expected to learn of her death before that appointment.

I agree with JMT. Also food for thought.... If she originally agreed in an email to 6 pm and now states that won't work for her, how is that handled? I mean... Obviously either one of you can say, this doesn't work for me, I would like to go by the court order. I don't know... I'm just thinking here. We kind of had a situation like this a long time ago. BD could 'opt' to the expanded visitation but had to do it a the time the order was rendered. He didn't opt for it because she was little and he didn't think she should spend school nights with him since she was in kindergarten. All of a sudden one day, I get an email that states I'm opting for expanded visitation and will be picking dd up from school starting today on Thursday nights. I did go through the roof. We agreed it wasn't a good plan. The drive to her school in rush hour traffic on Friday mornings from his house would take almost an hour and a half. And what hurt me the most was that I didn't send her to school thinking she would be going home with him and not returning until Monday morning. We had never been apart for longer than 2 nights for the entire 6 years that she was alive. I went straight to the school picked her up and took her home. Called BD and left him a message saying I had her in my possession and that he could not opt to change his visitation so far in to it. It had to be done at the time of the order. He called the police. They came out. I showed them my papers, of course they said 'can't get involved' but they wanted to try to talk to him and get him to understand what the order says. Apparently SM was telling him it said one thing and he didn't even READ the order or understand it. Didn't even have it on him. That eventually was changed this year (4 years later) and he does have the expanded visitation but it had to be changed by the courts, not by him. He was slapped pretty hard on his little hand by the judge who apparently didn't appreciate a parent emailing and stating OH BY THE WAY... She told him, you agreed to this, now you want to change to this... Which is fine, but you do not have the power to change the order. You don't want me telling you when you will see your child, should not have gotten a divorce. (harsh but a true reality). As soon as we got divorced we had to accept that forever (until 18) that someone else would be deciding what is in the best interest of the child, since apparently getting divorced universally means, two parents who 'agreed' at one time can no longer agree on what they think is right or best. Isn't it funny how that happens. I'm really thinking if she wants to go back on her agreement, she is going to have to take him to court to change it. But since she seems stubborn and you each have a different interpretation of what the order means or says, court might be best. As far as the police, I learned from situations like this that calling the police is a huge no no to the courts. They can not do anything for you or her except protect you if you are in real danger. So don't do the same as her and call the cops. She refuses visitation or any of that, document it, gather enough info so you have enough to show she is no longer working with you but don't involve the police unless you are in real danger. One of the problems with involving the police to work out order disputes is that their involvement is not necessary and it is unnecessary stress on the child. I remember one time, they called the police and my daughter was hysterical. The police came in and asked what was going on. I was refusing to allow DD to go with then gf/now SM to take dd because it was not BDs weekend to have her. She 'stopped' by and thought she would surprise BD with a weekend with dd because he was missing her. Well I told her, it is not his weekend, I don't know you, I have not spoken to him, if he wants her he needs to call me. Not only that but the last time I had spoken to BD he told me they had broken up... I had not heard any different. It was just such a mess and SO embarrassing. There were three cop cars at my house and the neighbors were all outside. Omg what a mess... The only one that was truely effected was dd.

I’d say yes. A gesture of solidarity. If you’re thinking in these terms, it appears family relation of extended family is good. You are lucky and any action towards preserving harmony is a good move.