Son and DIL are horrible parents!

16 years ago

Only grand is 5 and lives a few blocks from me. I babysit him 6 days a week and keep him more hours than I am required to because he hates going home. They spank him and yell all the time. They are too busy playing video games and being online to play with him. They sit him in front of the TV all the time. I don't sleep from worry. I fight with them all the time about the way they parent. Neither were raised that way though the DIL was not well liked by her parents but her brothers were very bonded with them. They spend time with their son's kids but not much with their daughter's child. I love this boy more than life itself! I never spank or yell at him. I have no friends anymore because I want to be available to him all the time if he needs me. If I call over there and they kids sound grumpy I go over and play with my grandson. They don't mind at all which is a good thing. My biggest fear is what would happen if I died or something. He wouldn't have me to protect him.

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Comments (6)

oilpainter
16 years ago
Your only recourse if you want to keep him out of that situation, is to document their behavior. Then see a lawyer and sue for custody. Now I don't know what your relationship is with your son, but that would definately alienate him and I don't know if you'd want to do that. I can think of nothing else that would work for you.

I'd think long and hard about it. Right now you have no legal standing and without you he would be alone. I really feel for you.
damaged_gran
Original Author
16 years ago
Thank you but I don't think I need to take custody of the child. My son and DIL need to grow up! I talked to my DIL today and she said she hates when she has to resort to spanking. The child is not spanked daily BTW. He isn't covered in bruises either. I don't know how to explain it other than to say that my grandson is not learning the things he will need to be a parent someday. He is becoming short tempered like my son. My son was not like this as a child nor even as a teenager. He changed in his early 20's and no he does not drink, smoke or take drugs! I am certain of that thank God! I know they both want more than they have now. They has a child young so they had to give up some things. They bought a nice house but rely on us a lot for extras which we can afford but I hate to keep giving to them like that. We have other kids who we don't have to do for financially. When those children eventually have kids we know they won't need financial help from us as they are all established already!

I think if they were more respectful of us it would help. My GS emulates his parents as all kids do and they are not setting good examples. He calms down when at school and playing with other kids but when he is with his parents he is wild. When we are alone is a good boy but I see the temper though I can avert his anger before he lets loose.

Part of me misses having adults in my life to spend time with and talk to. I have resigned myself to finding a new friend once the GS is in full time school next year. Kindergarten is only part time here. If nothing else, I need a shoulder to cry on. I had a best friend for many years and we shared all our troubles as well as happiness with each other. Her husband got transferred overseas so we seldom talk anymore. The time difference is too much to try to do more than email. I guess I am lonely too. My husband travels on business a lot and honestly when he is home we seldom talk much anymore.
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The feelings you have are what many mothers of sons feel after their marriage...if that encounter made you feel outside a circle..its because you are...I also have to wonder what mothers of daughters are telling and teaching them about in laws.... They are mothers to grown children as well and have to know how a mother to an only son must feel...its really not the same as having a daughter and no one can say it is....I have seen how my DIL's look out for their mothers best interest at the risk of breaking a MIL's heart....my oldest DIL will exchange these looks with her mother as if no one is watching...like they are collluding telepathically...it is so juvenile... They have done this around me many times in my own home...and I hate being around them....my husband berates me if I even mention this is taking place....I am planning my exit out of this marriage and feel my DIL has ruined my family....my husband has never stood by me or supported me emotionally...and having a person enter your family...a small family at that and seemingly treat you poorly will create major conflicts in a marriage if one spouse tries to ignore the others pain...just an acknowledgement is fine.. If truth be told my husband does not care for his DIL but fears speaking up about it to me....obviously we are not going to last to 40 yrs happily.... One thing that parents of a son will do is extend themselves for fear of losing him completely...you say you have heart to hearts with her...but this is probably not the best move....a DIL will use information you give them against you later...in arguments with your son...I was told this by many women in the past....and believe it...my sister created a lot of tension with my DIL based on things that she would tell her when I was not around... We also extended ourselves by buying vaca property with my son and his wife....big mistake 10 yrs later....my son is now behaving more like an unhappy bus. partner....sending emails telling my husband he has not contributed as much financially...wanting to sell which has been my view all along...but my husband did not take my advice and prediction and now sees but really doesn't see... My advice would be to accept the fact that your DIL is going to be a mamas girl....and you will likely feel the chill more than once...do not try to have something that may never be there...you have to remember..she came to your family as an adult...she has no back story with you...your son may not be willing to speak in your defense.... I wish I knew then what I know today...life for me would be so much easier...now I have the stress of having a son, but not really...and having the stress of a controlling husband who chastises me for being hurt...insisting I deal with issues like he does..which is to repress....2 GS's I only see when there is a free spot somewhere....a truly unhappy existence at the moment....I am in the process of letting go as well
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mounshadou, first let me say I am sorry for your current situation with your family. I too have had family members speak untruths about me which broke my heart. Words of advice? Don't get caught up in the drama. As much as you can turn the other cheek and keep going on with your life as you would. I know it's extremely hard when it happens over and over again. Call your mother when you want to. And offer to sit down and talk with your son or DIL to straighten everything out. If they refuse at least you know you've done all you could to work it out. Eventually your family will realize the truth - mine did.
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That really does not sound fair. I'm sorry this is happening. I'm not on the other end of the relationship yet. That is, I am a DIL, but not a MIL. Kids are young. It seems that every couple I know is closer to one set of parents than the other. It's not always her parents, it's mixed. The reasons vary, the degree varies. But it always seems that the relationship with one side is great with the other is stressful. Still, it's worth the effort. In our case, we have an easier time with my parents. Even DH is less stressed over visits with my parents than with his. I manage the family relationships in our marriage. That's by default, not b/c I'm controlling. DH just doesn't do it. So if I don't, there would be no relationship. I talk to his mother more often that he does, I plan trips to visit. Probably half the visits the kids have w/DH's parents, I took them without DH. It's possible that in the first couple years it looked like it was my fault. We all lived in Ohio, us and all our parents, and I am close to my aunts and cousins, too, while DH barely knows his. So I took the first grandchild to visit my family a lot more often than DH's. If DH was busy on a Saturday, I went to my family to visit. DH grew up rarely seeing his grandparents or extended family. Theirs was not a close family. It seems like that's how he thought it was "supposed" to be. On his mother's birthday when I say "Did you call your mom?" He seriously asks "Why?" It does not enter his mind that she might expect/like a call from him to say happy birthday. I pick out Mother's Day cards and make sure he signs them, then I write a nice long letter and mail it. Sometimes I wonder why I do it, it should not be my responsibility. And a different wife might not do it, especially in this generation when it's not seen as the woman's job. But I can't leave it, make her wonder why her son doesn't communicate with her. It's not that he doesn't want to communicate with her, he just doesn't want to communicate. Period. At the same time, they don't come visit us. They are retired and even drive from FL to OH every fall, and back in the spring. They have to drive past us to get there, and usually stop for the night, never longer, not once. And sometimes they don't stop at all. When MIL calls, half the time she only gets me. She does not ask how the kids are doing, she goes on and on about other people I dont know. She does not ask to talk to the kids. My parents come and stay with us at least once/year, go places, see the kids play their sports. They call and talk to the kids. The relationship is reciprocal, I guess. With DH's parents, it just is not. I can see a look on MIL's face when I mention visits we've had with my family, resentment or at least annoyance. But what can I do? I cannot build that kind of relationship with her if I wanted to, she does not make herself available to it. DH does not value the extended family relationships. Anyhow. That is not your case, I can see that. I kinda whined my own whine there. Sorry. I just wanted to share my experiences, maybe something there gave you some insight, a thought you had not heard before, something. And to say it seems to be the case for every couple we know, that it is not balanced between the sets of parents. Not that it's right, but you are not alone, others struggle to work this out, too. I'm sorry they do not see how they are hurting you. It is not fair.
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oilpainter
16 years ago
Well it seems the situation isn't as dire as it came across in your first post.

Yes maybe your son and DIL need to grow up, but will they? I don't think so. Because you will it is not going to make it happen. I think you have to deal with things as they are and how and why you do it is your choice and your decision.

I wish you well
mariend
16 years ago
I would suggest you/or your kids contact someplace like a YMCA to see if they offer parenting courses. Or encourage them to start a hobby, visit free places, etc. One reason they may be doing what they are doing is habit, and being bored.
carol_in_california
16 years ago
As long as you give them extras and care for their son they are not going to have any reason to become responsible parents.
You will be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. You need to set boundaries.
I know it is difficult and I hope the best for you.
mary_c_gw
16 years ago
You son and DIL have no reason to be good parents. They can dump the kid anytime they want. They have absolutely zero reason to change their behavior.

Change your behavior. Don't be available 24/7. Require respect from your son and DIL.

And please get a life outside your grandson. He's not your child, and you are not helping him or your son.

Son and DIL are horrible parents!

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oilpainter

damaged_gran
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Son and DIL are horrible parents!

Comments (6)

oilpainter

damaged_granOriginal Author

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damaged_gran
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