What about arranging for weekly visits at a set time? That way, it's kind of part of your normal routine. When you bring it up, you can say something like, "I feel bad that we are always in the middle of something when you stop by, how about we arrange for a set time every week? That way, we know you are coming and you can have uninterrupted time with the kids." What things did she say to you when she asked you to stop dropping by-- can you say them back to her?

Good luck!

Magdelena

P.S. I'm not a grandparent-- they might have a different take on it and better advice for you.

I just have a quick question:

Have you outright asked them to stop the unannounced visits?

We had one and made some somewhat subtle comments which seem to have stopped the habit. But hubby knows that if it ever becomes a problem he will have to say something (he knows that if he doesn't I will).

Perhaps you could say something to them. For example, the day you were in you jammies, what if you had answered the door and just said "As you can see, a visit really isn't convenient now. In the future please call before coming to avoid a wasted trip."

Any chance that would work?

I just have a quick question:

Have you outright asked them to stop the unannounced visits?

We had one and made some somewhat subtle comments which seem to have stopped the habit. But hubby knows that if it ever becomes a problem he will have to say something (he knows that if he doesn't I will).

Perhaps you could say something to them. For example, the day you were in you jammies, what if you had answered the door and just said "As you can see, a visit really isn't convenient now. In the future please call before coming to avoid a wasted trip."

Any chance that would work?

Why not try making visits unpleasant for them? Do you smile and run make coffee, etc.? If you sit still and look kind of disgusted they Should get the message that they're bugging you. I really feel for you; my MIL and I used to be super close but I Hated it when they dropped in by surprise
EVER. Esp. the time they did it to Drill me on where their son's money was going (hint: they were convinced I was blowing it; HE was blowing it). And I was happily sunbathing with a friend and had to go inside with them. blah. Just don't answer the door if they can't detect if you're home. Binkie

I would be very direct and tell them I am sorry, but its not convenient for me to have a guest at this time. Then ask them to please telephone before dropping by.

Any way you handle this, it could get tense, just be polite and direct.

I'm a mother-in-law/grandparent...and DH and I would never think of 'dropping in' on our grown children, without calling first (and they live close by) They also know to call us first.
Since both sons have children which we would like to see (other than babysitting) and both (DS and DIL's) work, we have asked them to let us know when its convenient for them to have us visit for an hour or so. It's worked out well. I suggest you or your hubby make this kind of arrangement with them.

I have a daughter who lives close enough for me to drop in.....when the kids were babies I did it fairly often. I certainly hope my daughter never feels she has to entertain me.....not stop what she's doing to accomodate me. I went to see the babies and was certainly not criticle of dishes in the sink. And her MIL lived even closer than I did and dropped in more often.
Relax! They're not "visiting".....they are dropping in to see the children. Don't make a big deal, I'm sure they don't want to be served and entertained, they just want to see their grand children.
I don't see any problem except with your attitude, my mother in law dropped in several times a week. If it was a crying time, I sure was glad to see her.....and if it was a happy time, I still was glad to see her. If things are not up to snuff....hand her a dust cloth or point her toward the laundry to fold. That's one of the things that grandmas are good at.....helping!
Linda C

Just "dropping in" without calling is rude, I don't care if they're there just to see the grandkids or not. The grandkids are not the only ones who live there. If you don't want the grandparents to come unannounced, then you need to tell them....as kindly as you can of course. Some women may like having the inlaws over without an invite, and some women do not. You have a right to NOT like it. I personally wouldn't like it either. I hope she'll be an understanding grandma and respect your wishes. Good luck.

I agree with Paula. My inlaws sometimes drop in unexpected and it really screws up the plans around here. It is not so bad on the weekends, but during the week when my daughter has school work or chores to finish up. She is distracted by their visit and that blows getting her homework or studying done before normal bedtime. I know they mean well, but it is like she becomes their child when they are here and they tell us she can do the work later and basically tries to take over parenting during their visit. Me and my MIL buttheads alot. She is all knowing and tries to have the last word. My FIL is kind of "whatever". I swear he is so Pwhipped it is not even funny. I just wish they would call before they came so we could leave or just stay home. I know that sounds bad. Oh well.

On scheduled visits I make coffee (or offer other beverages), put out snacks, and wear a nice but casual outfit. The house is clean, and DD is dressed in a nice little girl outfit. I give my sole attention to the guests and we all have a wonderful time.

On UN-announced visits, I point to the kettle and remind them where the cups are, continue with lunch if that is what we are doing without making an offer, DD is wearing her play clothes and more often than not covered in paint or dry-erase marker, and I am in my grubbies. I continue to clean or fold laundry, while carrying on a conversation with no eye contact or from a distance if that is necessary. I may even ask them to move something for me, hold something, or assign them part of the chore.

Some people don't mind it, others are offended by it. Those who are offended call the next time. Those who are not start pitching in themselves without being asked ROFL. Either way, you win.

{{gwi:336191}}

Sandman, I have to ask, would you be as upset if it were an old friend that dropped by? A neighbor? Do you have any friends that you are comfortable with that you would enjoy seeing regardless of whether or not they called?

I know that MILs are in a different class, but maybe if you accepted her dropping in as you would a neighbor, it might be easier to handle.

You really don't need to have the house clean, nor do you need to have something to serve. Relax, it makes the time pass faster. And I would like to remind you that should you or your husband become seriously ill and need help...these are the people that you will have to rely on. It happens more often than you think, and if they don't feel welcome in your house now, it will be difficult then.

I speak from experience on this. My DIL made it very plain that she did not enjoy having us in her house. So we went as little as possible. Then she developed lymphoma. To her horror, the only people that she could depend on to take care of her house, children and husband was her MIL and FIL. It was a very bitter pill for her to swallow. She died last week at the age of 40 and her MIL was the one to see that her children were dressed and ready for her funeral. My guess is that she did not rest easy in her casket.

It costs nothing to go the extra mile, to make your children's grandmother feel welcome in your house....whether for an "occasion"...or anytime. If you have a good and loving relationship with the woman who raised your husband, you could learn to think of her as a friend and not just a nuisance who interrupted your day.
I thank God I had that kind of relationship with my inlaws.....and that my kids do with me.
Life's too short to waste time being annoyed at things that just don't matter!
Linda C

My MIL do not have a real harmonious relationship, but luckily for both of us she lives over 1000 miles away. Never the less I probably wouldn't get too worked up over her stopping by. My daughter lives very close and I do go by unannounced if I have something I need to ask and the line has been busy, want to pick up my grandson, want to drop something off. My daughter and husband also drop by here unannounced, we usually welcome it. I agree with Linda and Dances if you continue with what you are doing they will either pitch in or take off. Either way there won't be the hurt feelings that a confrontation or even a conversation would instigate.

Dances, I *love* your method.

Linda, you say "If you have a good and loving relationship with the woman who raised your husband, you could learn to think of her as a friend and not just a nuisance who interrupted your day."

That's a *big* if. I bet that if her best friend stopped by unannounced repeatedly and tried Sandman's locks as her ILs do, Sandman would set her friend straight in a hurry. She's asking for advice in dealing with this behavior from her ILs because she knows her ILs will be sensitive about it and she's trying to give them the special treatment they merit.

Aileen, I'm glad for you that you had the final word with your DIL, and your story makes me think. My MIL has gotten the message that she's not welcome here (although her son is the one who objects most, but as the DIL I get the bad rap) and maybe my MIL'll get to have the final word, too. She has *zero* positive to say to us, and when we object to her acerbic comments, she says we're too sensitive. I can't speak for DH, but yes, ma'am, I am too sensitive. I'm too sensitive to swim in hydrochloric acid, I'm too sensitive to sleep in fire, I'm too sensitive to have open-heart surgery without anaesthetic, and I'm way too sensitive to be around MIL.