Other Grandma Favored

15 years ago

When we get together with son's family and his in-laws , things always happen to really hurt me because one grandchild shows great favoritism to her other grandma. I try to be big about this and understand but it has happened a lot( big greetings, kissing on the lips, giving her things I don't get right in front of me). WE are there together for every birthday and holiday. Our other child lives in another state and we rarely see him.The other grandchildren in the family do not do this, only the oldest one-16 and I love her dearly, but this is a real problem for me. Did any of you ever deal with this or have advice for me?

Featured Answer

krissie55

15 years ago

I know exactly how you feel, however, I decided in the beginning I would accept the other grandparent for who she is.

The other grandparent always walked in the door laden down with "things" for the children, naturally she became the favorite grandparent, got lots of hugs, kids climbed all over her etc. I have different values, children need to learn to like a person for who they are rather than for "things" brought to them. I do not get the same kind of welcome, I do get lots of hugs and thanks for things I help them learn to do, always hugs when they come and when they leave, same at their house when I come or leave (not giddish type, meaningful hugs, etc.). If grandchildren fail to come and give me a hug I quickly inform them with arms stretched out that grandma needs a hug and I get a genuine hug with meaning in it.

I do not play favorites with our grandchildren, the other grandparent does.

The other grandparent seldom visits with adults at parties, spends all her time in another room with some of the children, giggling, acting silly, chattering nonsense constantly, etc. By nature I am not the giddish type person, I am more reserved, sincere and visit with all ages. I am not one to jump up and down, oooh ahhh, I give them praises for their accomplishments, lots of hugs, etc. but not jibberish.

The other grandparent has things to offer the children that are different than what I have to offer. She is a playmate rather than a grandparent figure in their lives. This grandparent is a shopper, gad about but not interested in things on the home front like cooking, sewing, crocheting, knitting, embroidery, crafts, etc. Not a serious bone in her body!!

I offer love, solid rock foundation, supportive, teach them to sew, crochet, knit, embroidery, and many other things. Our 8 year old grandson just finished sewing a quilt for charity all by himself, thrilled at his accomplishment, loves to sew and very confident. The granddaughters have made clothes, sewed on quilts for charity. Grandchildren are now 6, 8, 11, 13. I am the one they can depend on in time of need, stable, they know I am always there for them.

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Comments (6)

User
15 years ago
It's probably because you are her father's mother. My kids were much closer to my parents, as are my grandchildren much closer to (me) my daughter's mother. I think it's a natural affinity, mothers and daughters tend to be closer than mothers and sons or fathers and daughters. Does she see her maternal grandparents more often than you? Mothers talk about their own mothers much more than sons do, so you probably aren't part of too many conversations.

I don't think there's anything you can do about this. You just have to live with it, just don't make an issue of it. Since this young woman will soon be on her own, you will have an opportunity to spend time with her, one-on-one, doing lunch, or shopping or traveling, etc and you two can have your own special relationship, as adults, which can be very gratifying.

I'm mentally preparing myself for the same situation if and when my dear son and his wonderful wife ever have kids.

Enjoy them all, grandchildren are such a treasure.
marie_ndcal
15 years ago
Just a thought--maybe miss a birthday or holiday especially if it for her. You mentioned giving things in front of you, apparently the other grandma gives her things you don't know about---The only thing I can think of is quietly talk to the mom-- I would make an effort to spent time with grandkids in the other state. We went to GD's 8th grade graduation 1700 miles and we drove. You can do anything you want to if you wish. But don't let it effect the relationship with the other grandkids, especially if it is in the same family.
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yosemitehowler
10 years ago
The same thing happens with me. The other grandma (maternal) babysits the kids 3 days a week and sees them even more than that. They gush over her when she walks in the door. She sits down and plays with them immediately and always has something for them. I love the grandkids (ages 4 and 7) but am running a vacation rental business and have a lot of interests. Grandpa and I recently retired from our main jobs. I don't want to get tied down babysitting on a regular schedule as we sometimes have emergency issues to deal with at the property, and we like to travel off-season.

The other Grandma is very responsible and her life revolves around her daughters and grandchildren. We are all together for the holidays and that is when it is especially hard. The oldest grand daughter also prefers one of her maternal aunts over me and is quite obvious about it. This same grand daughter said to me Christmas morning, "Why did you have to get here first?" I have been upset ever since and have lost sleep. It was very hurtful. I am trying to come to terms with our relationship. We live 15 minutes away from them, but I am considering moving away as a means of coping.
colleenoz
10 years ago
So, the other grandma spends substantially more time with the grandies than you do (I appreciate you have reasons to limit your time with them but that's essentially what it boils down to) and you're upset that they prefer the people they spend more time with? Little kids respond better to actions rather than words, so spending good time with them will trump saying, "I love you".

And let's face it, 7 yos are not renowned for their tact, plus she may not have worded her comment very well and you have misinterpreted it.

I think moving away is a huge overreaction. Either spend more time with your grandies or accept that this is how they will feel, at least until they are older.
HU-357259727
2 years ago
My 3 grandkids, 13, 12 and 5 all go nuts over the other grandmother she bakes, crafts, shops on and on and spends abundant money i cant compete the kids love and favor her and im left feeling low and neglected especially when they leave me flat and show their affection to her leaving me to bite the dust. this has been going on since they were each born i have no solution

Other Grandma Favored

krissie55

Comments (6)

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marie_ndcal

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