Ashley, Thank you. I need all the prayers I can get right now. My DIL is too much.. like having a room full of crazy BM's! I am wondering if she has multiple personalities. On Saturday, she accused me of wanting to take DGS so I can have a baby of my own... and when I point blank asked her if she wants him back full time, she said no. She says she can't have a baby full time "at this point" in her life. I mean she flipped from me stealing the baby to saying she can't possibly handle him full time. I was at work and while I was with a customer, she walked out taking DGS with her. By the agreement, she is supposed to have Saturday & Sunday. Well, Sunday she didn't call or bring him back. On Monday, I talked to my son and he told me what she said to him... everything was twisted. He is upset & does not need to be bothered with worrying about this. He has a job to do over there, he should not have to have her telling him to tell me anything. She can tell me herself, but she tells him & he is frustrated because he is over there and can't do anything. So, Tuesday she calls my daughter to ask for diapers. My daughter takes her diapers & DGS had been taken back to the doctor. I called the doctor's office & was told DGS has an ear infection, but is otherwise okay. So, Tuesday evening, I ask her if she is going to stick to the agreement... she says no, he is staying with her. So, I tell her that I still want a drug test & I had talked to my attorney about guardianship. She told me to bring it on and she would pass a drug test. I told her if she takes a drug test and passes, I will drop everything and she can keep DGS full time. (lol, even though she ranted for ten minutes on Saturday on how that was impossible!) She didn't answer me. Then today (Wed) she sent me a text at 5pm, telling me my son wanted us to talk. (my son told me on Monday that he told her to have a talk with me) but I did not write back. Less than an hour later, she called me at work & said she had DGS outside & I need to get him. I wasn't shocked but I was in the middle of working... it's a very busy weekend coming up & normally I leave work at 5, it was 6 & I had planned to stay til about 8. I hesitated and she says "well you do want him don't you.. this is what you want, right?" And, I could not say no to taking him. She said she was going to go ahead & stick to our prior agreement. I went outside & there he was... dried boogers on his face, gunk dried on his eye, his little eyes were red and he looked pathetic. She handed him to me without a word & huffed back to her car. She was visibly angry, like I just forced her to give up her child. I took him inside & then noticed he had a fever. I called her and asked when he had last taken medicine. In a very friendly tone, tells me oops I forgot to give you his medicine, I'll be right there. She came inside & this time (mind you, this was about fifteen minutes after she huffed off) she was being sweet & bubbly.. like we were besties. She said she took a video of him taking a few steps and she couldn't wait to show me but she forgot it at home. It was WEIRD. Like a totally different person. So, I cleaned up and brought DGS home, gave him fever reducer & a bottle. He took a nap and woke up in the evening... we played, he ate, and he went back to sleep. I may finally sleep easier knowing he is here. But, I know she only did this because she wanted to go somewhere tonight. I have to take it one day at a time, because the next time I see or hear from her, I don't know what I'll get.

This is what I would do. I might even take "just her" out of school on one particular day, and I would arrange it ahead of time with her teacher on a day when little was happening. And I would tell her that, say that on Tuesday (or what ever day you choose) is _______ day. (insert her name). Tell her on that day, she is going to have a special day. You are not rewarding bad behavior, but instead, getting her back on track with your family. It would be a day when just the two of you go out to a special lunch. You go for a long walk while the other kids are in school. You hand her a piece of paper that says "pass" on it, and tell her that this special paper gives her the opportunity to say and talk about whatever she wants to say. Even if it "hurts" for you to hear...let her get it out. And simply listen...really, really listen, and try not to be defensive, etc. Let her talk about what is on her heart, and about her time with her mother. Just let her get it out, and bite your tongue as best you can, as she tells you things you may or may not want to hear. I am imagining that since you and your DH have custody of her, and that her mother moved out of state away from her child, that this "mother" is not mother of the year. Was this young girl "safe" while with her mother? Could something have "happened" or do you simply think that it is as simple as her mother bad mouthing you and your DH, to try and make herself look better in her daughters eyes? Could the slowness be depression or profound discouragement and hopeless feelings created by a mother who "chooses" to be absent from her little girls life? Could it be a young girl who struggles internally with the conflicts over the disappoint with who this mother of hers really is, and not understanding these feelings or how to cope with them? Let her talk about the good, the bad and the ugly. And then you will know what she is struggling with, and what is creating the problems. Some of the problems may go away, simply because she is able to talk about them and get them out, and not keeping them inside creating havoc. I would work with her so that the feelings she is experiencing do not take hold and turn into anger, rage, and all that can make a teenager so difficult. Yes, part of the behavior is part of being 11. And yet, this young girl has more going on than that. Most cannot imagine their "mother" abandoning them at such an age. I remember reading about the actress Meg Ryan whose mother did this, and the pain this caused the actress for years. How she will have no relationship with this mother who abandoned her as a young girl. It might also be the time to talk to her about the "facts of life" and I love the idea of a special box filled with girl goodies, like feminine products, deodorant, lip gloss, etc, for you and she to anticipate and acknowledge the changes that will be coming in the next year or two. IMO, you can get a lot more of what you want from her with honey (understanding) than with anger and punishment. ***I want to add that depending on her fathers personality and relationship with his daughter, all of this might be better if her dad does this with with his young daughter. He might better be able to discuss the things on her heart regarding her mother (and the disappointments) the divorce from her mother, the behavior of her mother, and perhaps some of the things her mother may have told her. If you both decide that your husband should open up these lines of communication with his daughter, tell him to listen...listen...and listen and let her simply "talk" and get all of this out. Sometimes, feeling really "heard and understood" can relieve feelings of depression, etc. But to me, what this child needs more than anything is to talk and work through some of what she must be feeling about her mother, and the disappointment in her, and the guilt for being disappointed, and the realization deep down of who this mother of hers really is, and her lack of presence in her daughter life. Is she the oldest? Does she have a natural sibling that lives with her, or are the other children in the house yours, or children you and her father had together, after getting married? I guess to help you feel compassion, instead of frustration and anger with her, is to try and understand her. Can you imagine if your own parents had divorced, and you went to live with your father and his new wife. And your mom just moved away, out of state for either a job, or a lover, and you were left behind? Even though your dad's new wife might be nice enough, there would still be a struggle over why your mom moved away, and left you. Ya know? I think you are doing a good job in trying to help this young girl, and trying to work with her, and understand her struggles. This is just my take on the whole thing. And last, because she struggles in school, can you find something that she is good at, and encourage her in this area, so that she feels good about herself. For example, is she creative and can you help her to learn to choose recipes and cook special meals once a week for the family. Make sure that the other children in the family are positive about her efforts. She could watch the cooking show and try making a simple dinner, letting her do most of it but you being nearby to lend a hand here and there, but give her all of the credit and make a big deal out of her efforts. Or a sport, etc., so that she builds good feelings about herself. It must be hard to be the one in school who struggles so, because there are always those "perfect" girls who are so bright and their parents make sure they are on top. Perhaps you could explain to her that every one has gifts, and where she may struggle in one area, she may excel in another. And the students who are so bright, will have other areas where they have struggles others may not know about. That some may be great in math, but find vocab a struggle. others may find vocab a breeze, but struggle with math. Anyway, help her find something to feel good about, because a mother's abandonment can set her up right off the bat to feel bad about herself. Anyway, hang in there, and I applaud your efforts at helping this young girl!

I seriously have the perfect thing. Get a pre-distressed Black Walnut top(saw you wanted the 'beat to hell' look, lol)! I have what the company I bought from calls 'Distressed Rustic Black Walnut.' It has gorgeous burl wood, knots and figuring, and is WATERPROOF. I don't know if thats a deal breaker for you, but for me it truly was. They used a 'Tung Oil' (sp?) finish that I read is organic and naturally waterproof- used to be used on the outside of wooden ships... all that aside, the wood tops are GORGEOUS. I'm serious. Worth checking out, certainly. Do a self-quote online and you get your actual retail price. You do have to get it through a dealer but when I did the quote myself online it was actaully what the tops retail price was. No sticker shock, ya know? www.craft-art.com/products/get-a-quote/ They also have a DIY line of wooden countertops (won't come pre-distressed or fully finished, but on a budget is perfect and all you have to do is rub on the Tung Oil yourself). My sister did her kitchen countertops in their DIY wood countertops and had a handy man (her DH!) finish and install. An island install looks like it would be even easier. They have Wenge in their custom wood line (can see it in the quote thing and their photo gallery) but I really think your kitchen would look great with a pre-distressed Black Walnut. So fabulous with the cabinet color you have and not as stark of a black/white look as you would get with Wenge. This was my inspiration pic. These are the links I talked about: http://www.craft-art.com/products/islands/ www.craft-art.com/products/get-a-quote/ http://store.craft-art.com I hope it helps. Can't wait to see what you go with! Here is a link that might be useful: DIY wood countertop

A little bit of beige may not be bad. Yellow reflects on itself and gets more intense. Whatever you think your final choice is, be sure to paint ALL of your old cabinets with it before you order. I love the fact that it's so hard to pick colors but the world conspires to make it even harder. The Aura fan deck is impossible to use if you want to see two colors next to each other, and you can't hang it vertically on a wall (all colors are darker that way). The paint store will always present you with an "issue" or "problem" that prevents you from getting the samples you need, and they make it too expensive anyway. Chips will either fall of the wall because you used painters tape, or rip off the paint because you didn't. It is making me insane and I would happily hire someone to do this just to avoid the insanity. My neighbors' kids and their friends have been setting off little snapper firecrackers all day. I keep hoping.